Breaking out of concrete six ways out of depression

[Music]

i have been a teacher

in inner city london for the last seven

years

and during that time i’ve had to learn a

few tricks to keep teenagers interested

enough

to not walk straight out of my classroom

when i say the words

shakespeare teaching macbeth

to 15 year old boys at a behavior unit

in newan is a tough gig especially when

they start to ask me questions like

yeah missport was like ladybug better

ping tingle was she piff

and i have to respond to them that sadly

no boys she probably was not a painting

which apparently means pretty and come

up with more creative ways to keep them

engaged

i found a way to do this i tell them how

long my lesson is going to last for and

what they’re going to learn and that way

if they’re really bored they can at

least calculate until how long the

endurance exercise of my lesson is over

so i’m going to do the same for this

talk i’m going to spend two minutes

telling you about a nervous breakdown

that i had

i’m going to spend about seven or eight

minutes reading you a poem about it

and then i’m going to round it off on a

more cheerful note because apparently

nobody likes to end things on a poetic

downer

who knew i’m telling you my story

because i think if you’re paying

attention the world is a terrifying

place

and so i thought maybe at least we could

be terrified together

this time last year i sat in a gp’s

waiting room

because i didn’t want to be here anymore

i walked into the doctor

and i said my depression is so bad i

can’t go on

sometimes it’s so bad i can’t even walk

to the toilet

i have to crawl and

after much deliberation and back and

forth he turned to me

and he said don’t be depressed you’ve

got such a lovely smile

have you considered playing badminton

it was at that moment i wish i wished i

went purple

that way he could see the amount of pain

that i was in i wouldn’t have to do

any of the talking any of the asking he

would see the burning and he would not

suggest

creative ways in which to make me feel

better

but on that day i didn’t change color

and i couldn’t tell him my experience of

doing so

so he sent me home with a list and it’s

a list of six things you’re supposed to

do when you’re depressed

and i’m gonna read you a little poem

about it now

but spoiler alert the list didn’t work

i’ve been working as a spoken word

artist for the last 10 years but since

before it was cool

it’s probably still not that cool now

and

i’m going to talk to you about why

people deliver their work in that really

strange

spoken word voice

it’s like they alienate people without

giving them a choice

i’m not going to wax lyrical spitting

from the origins of my umbilical about

what i think is a miracle coming from my

mouth because the real stuff that i feel

honestly it goes on down south and my

life is ordinary

and awkward and beautiful but actually

quite boring

and some nights it feels like the mouth

of hell is yawling open a night is

drawing to a close and i suppose i want

to perform tonight but for what

for what for my ego so i can say to my

nan

i performed at tedx you know and i lost

it

my grace the thing that makes me feel

good about living

and writing in the first place and i

don’t enjoy a single thing anymore

not even this so the doctor he gave me a

list it’s a list of six things you’re

supposed to do

when you’re depressed and i feel very

reassured that it must be true because i

realized he copied

and pasted it from the internet anyway

this is the list that will cure us all

here it is this is the list of six

number one accompany somebody to the

movies

a concert or a small get-together

i can’t watch a movie without feeling

like someone has turned me inside out

and distorted me like a rumor

and my heart is stapled to my skin like

a tgi friday’s bad a cheap and blazing

neon tumor

my heart is killing me i don’t need art

to make it feel please a concert you

think i have the strength to stand i am

on my knees every day i am on my knees

how can i go to parties they crush me i

can’t even find the strength to sit in

the toilet with the door

locked behind me and when people come up

to me their lips are moving but they

look like aliens to me because all i can

do is think about

how i can leave out that back door

without anybody noticing me

number two have a coffee and talk to

somebody about your

feelings thank you for suggesting that i

talked to a friend

believe it or not i’d actually thought

of it before but when you’re poorly

speaking to your friends is like

knocking on a trapdoor and finding

nobody in there anymore most of my

twenties have spent

been spent blind to the fact i am the

only person i can call mama

i’m the only person i can call home so

how can i tell you that meeting you for

coffee makes me feel manic

my synapse is cracking and snapping like

candy millions in my blood like panic

how can i tell you that seeing you of

wrong fills you with dread because it

means i have to call you back

and on my bad days i cannot handle the

pressure of that

number three read a book

i think it’s books that got me into this

trouble in the first place

reading about how maybe we’re all just

insignificant and in outer space

if you want a recipe for depression mix

in

existentialism with fiction

and then tell me you then get weighed

down in friction this is an affliction

of ideals that we are made of nothing

governed by love and lust and atoms and

stardust and everything in between yeah

i still got to learn how to pay my taxes

and keep my home well painted and clean

how can i deal with the dissonance of

earning a living and

chasing a dream i do not need another

story

i need to learn how to wash up without

my hands shaking

i need to learn the art of forgiving all

the while my bones break under my skin

with the sadness and the weight of all

the lives that i am not living

number four call or email

an old friend

they’re old friends for a reason

number five work out

i just told you that my body is on its

knees and you expect me to take it to

its physical peak

i love to swim to go to the water you

see

there’s a lifeguard there for the days

that i’m drowning and i can’t breathe

but i haven’t got the energy to pull the

lycra over my form and then go

up and down day after wretched day and

that mint blue warm because then i’ve

got to get out and dry myself and put on

my clothes and i’ve got to try not to

think

how can i do that when i told you i

don’t even know how i’m going to get to

my

next

blink number six confide in a clergy

member

therapist or teacher

i used to teach at a catholic school and

they were absolutely obsessed with

converting me

how many times can i say get your

rosaries

off my ovaries being in my body is

punishment enough but i don’t need the

threat of hell to be ashamed of what i

have become because darling i am in it

now

how can i tell you that the last time i

spoke to somebody in authority

she pinned down my arms like she was a

hurricane and i was the sea and now my

body is still covered in waves somewhere

she used her lightning hands to touch me

i do not trust a single figure in

authority that is why i became one

five therapists in a row told me that i

was too ill for them to help me

in a world where my name is beth which

only rhymes with breath and death

typically

only works in a poem with just how life

begins and just how it ends

so i take your six things on this list

and i raise you my life

i am still only here because of the way

that my girlfriend

folds me away every night like i am a

letter and she is an envelope and i have

no idea where i’m being sent

if i will get there in the end sometimes

i love her so much i

do mad things like go outside and scream

at the sky in the middle of the day and

i go 50 shades of cray

and i want to take plaster of paris mold

of her head and

make her skull out of clay so there is

never a time in this universe where i am

without the shape of her head in my hand

can’t you understand

your list makes me feel tiny your list

makes me feel like i’m just words spat

on a page and the sentence structure is

off

and i’m the wrong girl the wrong genre

the wrong paragraph

the wrong decade i don’t want to do this

anymore

i don’t want to feel tired anymore i

just want to feel okay

without feeling like my insides are

dissolving under my depressions gaze

i am not afraid of dying

i am afraid of not living

those two things are not the same

i am instead gonna leave you with six

things that did work remember back

in the beginning i promised i was gonna

round it off on a more cheerful note

one if you can afford it get a therapist

finding the right therapist should be

like

i don’t know looking for a house for the

first time not that i own one

or going on a date your stomach should

flip and she’ll get butterflies and if

you’re sat wondering

about what butterflies tummies do when

they’re excited

and do they have a human equivalent and

like me you probably also have a problem

with empathy and boundaries so you

really need to crack on looking for that

therapist

my therapist saved my life when i leave

her house i feel like i

swallowed the entire sky she teaches me

that

i cannot control the weather but i can

control my response

number two parent yourself

when that voice inside of you says you

are nothing you are nobody you are

worthless don’t argue with it

and don’t accept it as truth listen to

it work out which

part of it is you how old it is where it

comes from

and then meet it with compassion because

i am telling you now if you do not meet

that voice with kindness

it will never go and everybody is

deserving of compassion

even you even the grim reaper poor guy

has spent the last however many hundred

years in the same outfit and he’s only

rocking up to keep you company

on your journey to the afterlife i bet

nobody’s ever pleased to see him

so i made up my mind when he comes

through that door for me i’m going to

give him a cuddle

number three share your vulnerable

moments

i’m not talking about the time when

you’re walking down the street and

there’s a star

and a rainstorm and you say where did i

go wrong

because trust me we’ve all gone wrong

i’m talking about the really shameful

moments like when you’re 20 minutes deep

into crying onto the phone to a gp

receptionist

and you’ve eaten four packets of

biscuits and the crumbs are literally

exfoliating your thighs or when you’re

three hours deep into a facebook stalk

of your childhood crushes

ex-wife to check whether or not she has

better hair than you

trust me we all do these things

share them sharing is a shame

shrinker four

go for a walk outside look

i was too ill to have endorphins but it

did two things for me

the first thing it did was it gave me

vitamin d the second thing was was that

it split my day up into two parts the

time before the walk

and the time after and it meant that i

got to leave my house which sometimes

felt like a very well decorated grave

and then come home again and have that

familiar feeling of returning

and on the days where i didn’t have

enough motivation to go outside

i pretended in my head i was an alien

what would it be like to see concrete

for the first time

sky for the first time look i don’t know

i was looking for a way to be curious

that helped me to stay alive

five everybody in the pandemic says i

don’t give an f about your banana bread

i want you to know i do i give an f

you do you make the banana bread do

whatever it is that makes you happy

whether or not somebody deemed it to be

boring or basic

as long as it doesn’t hurt anybody i

don’t care go for it

be proud of who you are and if the

people around you laugh at you or do not

cheerlead you for the things

that bring you joy that says far more

about them than it does about you

and lastly when your friend calls you

with happy news you don’t say babe don’t

be too happy yeah because like someone

somewhere is definitely happier

so don’t do the same with your sadness

it is

totally possible to gaslight yourself

once i even had imposter syndrome

about having imposter syndrome

make your bed every day and shower even

if it’s like lugging your bones through

a nightmare

put that faucet on sit underneath it

imagine it’s a rainstorm

go and get yourself a bottle of fizzy

drink and imagine a

mama has given you stars

remember somewhere

a flower is actually breaking out of

concrete

you will too