Divorce Its Not About You

[Music]

divorce

ouch okay so it’s not the happiest topic

and

some of you honestly probably don’t

think this talk is for you but

divorce is out there and we’ve all been

affected by it in some way

and you probably can all agree that the

word divorce comes with some pretty

negative connotations maybe you have

parents that are divorced maybe you’re

divorced

maybe you know friends family co-workers

who are going through a divorce

because we’re all affected in some way

and it’s out there this talk

is for you buckle up here’s another

downer

statistics show every 13 seconds there

is one divorce in america

to put that in perspective nine divorces

happen

in the time it takes a couple to recite

their wedding vows

by the end of this talk 51 couples will

be divorced

and to top it off half of all the

children in the u.s

will witness the ending of their parents

marriage

now i know there are others out there

who have had it much worse than me

please no i do realize my situation is

nothing compared to what other people

have gone through

but today i want to shift your

perspective and leave you with some new

thoughts and new ways to tackle divorce

and possibly life itself because see

this talk isn’t just about divorce

it goes much deeper it really is about

you realizing it’s

not about you i know that may sound a

little confusing so let me explain

i am a divorcee it was one week before

my 10-year wedding anniversary

my husband and i were attending a

couple’s therapy session

about three minutes into the session my

husband told me

he didn’t want to try anymore he didn’t

want to be married to me anymore

talk about a blow and then hatred

seething hatred hurt sadness confusion

repeat repeat repeat

i never expected this to happen to me

see my parents were just about to

celebrate their 41st wedding anniversary

marriage sticking together fighting for

family that’s all i ever knew

and we we were fighters and overcomers

we could make this work because it was

just two and a half years prior that our

house burned down

now praise god everyone made it out

safely the house was a complete loss but

what was most important

our family was safe we spent the next

year and a half

rebuilding our dream home it was so fun

and exciting we were so strong

and close and focused on family and

rebuilding together

but somewhere among the four to five

days a week my husband was traveling and

me becoming a full-time stay-at-home mom

our marriage began to struggle

and that’s when we were about to

celebrate our anniversary

instead i got hit with that horrific

word

divorce it

hurt i was broken devastated

defeated i felt like a failure my

marriage

is ending but wait i have two boys

what about the kids they’re three and

five

all i’d known was a family that stayed

together what’s it going to look like to

have to split time with my kids

miss part of their lives because it’s

not my weekend to be with them

this rocked me to my core i didn’t want

this

i didn’t ask for this me me me

and as much as it deeply affected me i

had to look at the bigger picture

this is happening and i had to make a

decision

to put my kids needs above my own just

as i did when i was married

it should be no different when you’re

divorced except it is

because now there’s hurt wedged in and

it’s extremely challenging to make

decisions and work together

and act not based on how you feel rather

on how you may

make your children feel and this is why

among the division of assets and setting

up our child visit schedule and

who pays what we took time to talk

and made a decision that no matter what

the kids come

first period that regardless of how we

felt about each other

this isn’t about us it’s not about the

hurt we had or the miscommunication

throughout our marriage

it’s not about the anger or the pain or

frustration we had with each other

this is about making the best out of a

tough decision and situation

to put the boys as the priority because

they’re what’s most important

not us they didn’t ask for this they

didn’t choose to have a mom who lives in

one house and a dad who lives in another

i didn’t choose it either but i did

choose to show them that regardless of

where they slept at night or whose

weekend it was

they were part of a family every day

a family where the mom and dad make

every decision based on their best

interest

not his not mine was it hard

yes it still is all the time

but when i put my feelings aside and

make theirs the priority

i feel so much better because i know

it’s what’s best for them

as a parent you want nothing but the

best for your children you’ll do

absolutely anything you can to protect

them

if there was a grenade you would be the

first to jump on it to save your child’s

life

it truly is a love like no other but

when divorce enters in

it seems the hatred and hurt and

devastation that surrounds it

overtakes that love and instead of

protecting our children

they often become collateral damage and

this is where we need to stop

being selfish and start a conversation

open the doors of communication so you

can effectively co-parent with your ex

now co-parenting isn’t easy it’s hard

parenting when you’re married so

trying to do it with your ex isn’t

exactly ideal i get it

remember there’s a reason why you got

divorced in the first place

so you can’t just expect all the issues

you had when you were married to just

go away you can however acknowledge that

you two are in this thing together

and are going to be for a long time so

you might as well take the high road

and figure out a way to develop a

relationship now

maybe that’s a friendship maybe it’s not

but it has to be

some type of relationship where respect

support

understanding and communication are

present

for me at the time of my separation and

divorce i was working for my husband’s

company

i stayed on because i loved what i did

and supported what the company did

so now i’m separated co-parenting and

working alongside my ex-husband

wow that’s nearly unheard of oh yeah and

maintaining a civil friendship because

it’s important

so we can do what’s best for our kids i

say this to emphasize that divorce

isn’t easy i know you have to

choose to not be mad not be angry

not hold a grudge not to want to throw

things all the while you’re fighting

back tears and

feeling like you’re dying inside having

to be in the same room with that person

celebrating holidays and birthdays

because it’s important

for your kids to have both parents there

together to celebrate

big life events and i say it because

it can happen and it does work

but you have to put yourself and your

pride aside

and you have to be persistent you have

to constantly make an

effort to make this happen do you always

want to

no but you do want what’s best for your

kids

so how does it work you have to choose

to want to make it work

you have to make that conscious choice

to work together

and if your ex isn’t willing to do it

you do it you make that decision for you

and your children

chances are your ex will eventually come

around

be a team you both want what’s best for

your kids so work together

communicate but when you do keep it to

the kids needs

don’t get off track on the differences

you two have together

respect each other and the relationships

your children have with your ex

they are a product of both of you teach

them how to respect others

by showing each other respect include

your kids in the conversations

but keep it to their maturity level it

is much harder to pit one parent against

another

when they know that you are

communicating and are on the same page

i mean after all they are still kids but

it

is hard i know and i know some of you

may be thinking well

you didn’t have any major issues like

abuse addiction or abandonment

because i know marriages can end in

terrible circumstances

but we also probably know a situation

where a mom and dad can’t even be in the

same room together

which makes marriages and holidays even

exchanging the kids an

absolute nightmare but we also know the

only thing we can control

is our attitude and the decisions and

choices that we make

now my marriage may or may not have had

those extremes

i had to make that decision to put my

kids best interest ahead of my own

when people hurt they make decisions

that hurt others back

that’s normal but that’s where you need

to dig deep and remind yourself

what really is most important and this

can be applied to divorce

conflicts at work family feuds broken

relationships

life is so short

i am just now a little over three years

into my divorce

but i know and have met other couples

who have been divorced eight nine

ten plus years who are just now getting

to a point

where they have a good relationship and

good parenting relationship

they have said to me i wish we would

have done this sooner

we missed out on so much we could have

been doing together

so much can be lost don’t wait until the

kids are grown to be civil

there is hope now and i am living proof

that with work

it can happen it does work and you can

do it too

now our boys know they are loved they

know that mommy and daddy respect each

other

help each other and make every decision

based on their best interests

not ours we wanted to minimize the

negative effect divorce could have on

our kids as best we could

that was the decision we made at the

very beginning and we’ve stuck to it

i am happy to report i have met an

incredible man

who shares in our philosophy of kids

first we are now

engaged and we all get along this is

actually a picture of us

together on halloween passing out candy

trick-or-treating

why because seeing those smiling faces

making those special memories together

makes me the happiest mom

ever so i ask you

if you find yourself in this situation

or if you know of someone else going

through the situation

what do you do what advice do you give

is it to put the kids first or is it to

bash the x and feed into the negativity

that so commonly surrounds divorce

because

i get it that’s natural but divorce

isn’t and shouldn’t be natural so i’m

asking you to be

unnatural shift your mindset

choose to put the kids first because no

child

ever asked to be stuck in the middle of

a divorce

[Applause]

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you