An Eating Disorder isnt Just a Girl Thinking She Looks Fat

[Music]

[Applause]

24 hours ago

i got off a plane from arizona no i

wasn’t exploring the grand canyon

nor was i visiting colleges i was an

inpatient treatment for anorexia nervosa

a disease i never thought i would have

when i was younger and i heard the words

anorexia nervosa my mind immediately

flashed to an emaciated young woman

who simply couldn’t eat how

could an individual deliberately starve

themselves

as they watch their body slowly shut

down it seems

so illogical but in the temperament of

someone with an eating disorder

they are anything but illogical

when i was around 10 years old my mom

bought me an american girl dog book

about puberty

to this day i have no recollection of

anything in the book

let alone my thoughts with the exception

of two pages

these two pages discuss eating disorders

specifically anorexia nervosa

and describe the simple the surface

level symptoms of the disease

young girls look in the mirror believe

that they look fat

and deliberately starve themselves which

can accumulate in death

terrified by the prospect of death i

made myself a promise

at 10 years old i told myself peyton

you will never have an eating disorder

even if you think you look fat you will

always be skinny

fast forward a couple years later when i

was a gymnast practicing around 10 hours

a week

i loved food and had no care in the

world about what i was eating

again when i heard the word anorexia i

would always question

how could someone starve themselves i

love food way

too much after performing gymnastics for

12 years which was my passion

it all came to an abrupt halt one day at

practice the weekend before my first

meet of the year

i fell off the uneven bars my bone had

popped out of its socket and i was

rushed to the hospital to get a ct scan

the ct scan showed that not only had i

dislocated my elbow

but i had broken it in three pieces and

i had to have surgery

after the surgery in which i had eight

screws in a plate put in

my life seemed to return back to normal

i went back to gymnastics

limited in what i could do and i felt as

if life was once again in my control

after a few months however my bone

wasn’t healing properly

and i had to have another ct scan which

once again showed that i had to have

another surgery

in the middle of my surgery it turned

out that my bone had completely died

and it had to be removed as a result

i could no longer do gymnastics

the physical pain i felt was

incomparable

to my emotional pain the one aspect of

my life where i validated myself

vanished in a moment’s time

i was devastated i felt out of control

i felt as if it were my fault and when i

felt as if i was drowning and couldn’t

grab onto anything

i grabbed onto the one thing i could

control food

i spent hours thinking about food i

totaled up calories in my mind hour

after hour and

day after day and i took pride in the

numbers i saw dropping on the scale

even if my life was out of control well

at least i could control what was in

front of me three times a day

i thought that restricting my food

intake after losing my passion

would give me control and give me my

life back

but it really ended up just taking both

away

it was during this time period that

countless friends family members and

teachers reached out to me

telling me that i looked sick or very

skinny

but rather than in stealing fear within

me

it made me feel accomplished i was doing

something right others asked me if i

needed help because they were really

concerned

i didn’t need help i was in complete

denial

after all i was the healthiest i ever

had been

i was eating clean foods i was

exercising

i had a low heart rate i had just lost

muscle from gymnastics but little did i

know that i was the sickest

i ever was not just physically

but also mentally after countless family

members reached out to my parents they

knew there was a problem

but they couldn’t exactly pinpoint it

for months they sat with me in the

office asking if everything was okay

of course once again i was doing great

i was always studying so i could have

near perfect grades in every single one

of my classes

i was always productive and i was really

really happy with my body

eventually however my parents decided

that i’d do an initial assessment with

melrose center

an eating disorder facility nearby the

appointment was made on a whim

and no one expected much of it myself

included

after all i wasn’t anorexic when i

looked in the mirror i didn’t look

emaciated and i loved

food how could an anorexic love food

i spent hours watching cooking shows

during my free time

i made food for my siblings and myself

only just to throw it away

later on i would find out that both of

these are in fact symptoms of starvation

and i was very very sick after one

initial assessment

i had to grasp the fact that i was

diagnosed with anorexia nervosa

and i was immediately sent to inpatient

treatment

leading into inpatient treatment i was

terrified

i was expecting to meet individuals

whose lives solely revolved around their

eating disorders

but i couldn’t have been farther off

from the truth these individuals that i

met were some of the most intelligent

caring

and courageous people whom i have ever

encountered

but they like myself happen to have

struggles with food

but our struggles with food never made

us any more or any less human they just

give us

racing thoughts of lack of self-worth

that no human being should have to feel

i was in inpatient treatment for 37 days

and it was one of the more difficult

times in my life

i was ashamed and i was scared

i felt as if i didn’t belong and i felt

as if i wasn’t

sick enough eating disorders are

competitive

they love being the best at everything

even if it means being the sickest

they also love numbers who ate the least

who can exercise the most who have the

lowest heart rate

and who lost the most with an eating

disorder it is never

enough and there is no such thing as

rock bottom

during those 37 days i stared down at my

food with anger

i was so angry that it had brought me to

this point in my life

i was angry that it had to be so

difficult for me

why wasn’t i normal why couldn’t i

simply pick up a piece of food and put

it in my mouth while everyone else

around me could do it

so effortlessly

i was ashamed after having to say i was

anorexic

i didn’t want it to become my identity

and i didn’t want it to make others

think of me differently

and to this day i do still have the same

concerns

eventually i left inpatient treatment

but i later found myself back at the

same building in the beginning of summer

i was readmitted to inpatient treatment

for another 14 days because even though

i was physically stable

i was far from mentally stable

my eating disorder thoughts were raging

they told me that i looked

fat they told me that i looked i was

happier when i was skinnier

and they told me that i would never be

successful

i was exhausted from not feeling as if i

was enough

i wanted to give up i often told myself

that it would be so much easier to just

live

with an eating disorder after a few

months my parents decided to cut ties

with melrose center

and i was later sent to an inpatient

treatment facility down in arizona

where i was for another 50 days

after going through impatient treatment

twice i felt like a failure

i felt as if my friends and family

members would find me weak and think

that i could never recover

from this disease and in the midst of my

eating disorder i had broken a promise i

made at

10 years old a promise i made about a

disease i knew nothing

about a disease that i thought was in

vain

a disease that i didn’t think was a

mental illness

a disease that i thought had everything

to do with food

all of my assumptions were so wrong

eating disorders are not in vain they do

not discriminate they could care less

about your age

gender or ethnicity they just want

control

they have everything to do with food yet

simultaneously nothing

to do with food they are the deadliest

mental illness ever

in the world and those aren’t statistics

to be messed around with

and my relationship with food was solely

an external reflection of the chaos

inside my mind my eating disorder was a

form of validation i could not find

anywhere else

it told me i was strong when i felt weak

it told me i was enough when i felt far

from enough

it told me i was in control when i felt

lost

and it gave me something to hold on to

when i felt as if i were drowning

my eating disorder was not a choice nor

were the countless thoughts i told

myself every single morning i woke up

and looked in the mirror

i didn’t destroy countless relationships

have every day feel monotonous lose my

passions and isolate myself because i’m

vain

i did it because i was hurting again

i didn’t spend those 101 days in

inpatient treatment because i’m vain

i spent those 101 days trying

to heal the perfect storm that caused my

eating disorder

i spent those 101 days trying to get

back the hundreds

of days my eating disorder had taken

away from me

to this day i often think about my life

if i had never fallen

i often question if i had performed just

one move differently

would i have had an eating disorder i do

not know

and that is okay to be candid i’m not

recovered

i am a work in progress and that is also

okay

in the midst of such questioning and i

ask myself what if i hadn’t fallen

i remind myself that if i had never

fallen

i would have never known what it’s like

to get back up

and i’m getting back up now which is

more than i ever thought

i would have done and i’ve reached

milestones that i never thought i would

have reached months earlier

recovering from an eating disorder is

not easy it is one of the hardest things

i’ve done

it is messy it is full of tears

and it is exhausting

but recovering from an eating disorder

gave me my life back

something my eating disorder could never

give me

and to anyone that is struggling it is

okay to not be okay

you did not choose this disease nor are

you weak

success is not defined by not reaching

out because you think you can handle it

and you’re strong enough and you’re

afraid

success is defined by reaching out when

you know you’re

you need help and it is the most

terrifying thing to be vulnerable

you are worth more than the calories you

eat in a day

the body you see in the mirror and the

negative thoughts that race through your

head

these are all facts that i’m still

struggling to believe at times

you are not your eating disorder

and your eating disorder is not you

you are enough even if you think

otherwise your life is waiting for you

and it wants you to come back

although i’m far from a covered i know

that being cured is not the sole

definition of success

success for me is eating another meal

when my eating disorder thoughts are

racing through my mind

asking me did you see yourself in the

morning in the mirror this morning

are you really sure you want to eat that

is that gonna make you successful

success for me is looking away from the

mirror when i begin to fixate on my

flaws

success is being open and honest with

the ones i love

success is supporting others along the

way as we go through the same struggles

that seem to tear us apart success

is being vulnerable when it is the most

scary thing

to do success is not one final action

it is the accumulation of our actions

big and small

every single day

my eating disorder wasn’t a choice and

it never will be

i did not change i did not struggle

every single day

to get better my eating disorder was

never

and will never be a girl standing in the

mirror thinking she looked fat

my eating disorder was never and will

never be a girl

focusing on every single number

my eating disorder was never and will

never be a girl restricting her food

intake

my eating disorder was never and will

never be my identity

and my identity was never and will never

be my eating disorder

my identity is found in my relationships

which i continue to rebuild

my passions which i continue to pursue

and my morals i hold close my story is

not something for me to be ashamed of

it is something for me to embrace

i