Beyond the Eating Disorder

i was throwing up

blood at the time it seemed

easy and efficient

but it was then that i realized i had a

real

problem i turned to look at myself in

the mirror

my lips were cracked my throat

was burning and my teeth

were starting to decay

i had never felt so disgusted

and uneasy by my own presence

and i wanted to change i really did

but i didn’t know how

yet i felt this this spark of motivation

today is the last day you do this

i said to myself

but things took a different turn

before i knew it i was weighing out and

tracking

single thing that i ate refusing to eat

what couldn’t be tracked on my fitness

pal

motivation became obsession

1200 calories a day dropped to 500 until

i was eating nothing but an apple a day

some days i ate nothing at all and i was

proud of this

of the fact that i could go five days

with no food

within two months i had lost 30 percent

of my body weight but i saw no

difference when looking at myself in the

mirror

i was just as disgusted

as before

and my body began to fight back i

started binging on

anything and everything i could find in

the house

i’d wake up with wrappers surrounding me

and food

spilt all over my bed with zero

recollection of the night before

and to compensate i had these terrible

habits

i would chew my food and spit it out or

i’d pour soap on it

so that i wouldn’t be able to eat it i

was driving myself

completely insane

this was an endless cycle that i was

convinced

would continue for the rest of my life

but now i’d like to draw your attention

to the screen behind me

so a show of hands who can confidently

say

that this is blue

okay well maybe

i disagree maybe

i think it’s green

okay well you may not think i’ve

completely lost the plot but i can

assure you

online schooling has not driven me

completely insane yet

but what does any of this have to do

with eating disorders

well it’s all about

perception we are well aware of what we

are putting ourselves through and we

know it won’t lead

to our long-term happiness but what you

may see is blue

we may see as green the same way that

what you may see as food

we may see as lack of control calories

judgment and the list goes on

i developed an eating disorder when i

was 12. and for the last

five years i have searched deep within

me

to find well the strength and the energy

to try and recover

it wasn’t until roughly may of last year

that i began to do so

why because i was terrified

because i felt alone and misunderstood

and

i had this intense fear

of being judged by others

you see i had somewhat of a reputation

for being really healthy

and into fitness and maintaining an

athletic body

but the pressure that comes with such a

label

really ships away its worth

okay okay anna

do you really want to wake up in 10

years time

with the same fear of food

no no of course i don’t

and it’s my responsibility to take that

first step

forward it is up to me to change

the green into blue

one day i was out for a lockdown walk

with my closest friend and she began to

open up to me

about her disordered thoughts and habits

at first she spoke about it so calmly

and with such ease

made me feel slightly uncomfortable and

i didn’t really understand why

for some reason there’s a stigma around

the topic

but i was hit with this brick of reality

the more i listened the less alone i

felt and all i wanted to do

was comfort her tell her it was gonna be

okay and that i knew

exactly what she was feeling

i can confidently say that she is the

main reason i wanted to recover in the

first place

and i cannot thank her enough

hearing someone i love so dearly talk

about their experience

truly helped me start to heal from mine

i mean logically if i wouldn’t want her

to suffer how could i possibly excuse

the fact

that i was letting myself suffer for so

many years

almost immediately after that day the

stigma i felt around recovery

completely disappeared my instagram

was flooded with motivational posts and

encouraging words

to keep me going and i even started

watching youtube videos from people

sharing their own experiences

i really understood now that millions of

people were going through the exact

same thing

i found a great deal of strength in that

but of course i don’t want to glamorize

anything

recovery is one of the hardest things

you can put yourself through mentally

and physically

personally i don’t believe anyone has

ever done recovering because it simply

isn’t a linear process it’s not

something you can meticulously track and

plan out you know you have to have those

slip ups you have to have those relapses

and moments

where you break down because you’ve

given it everything

and yet nothing is working

honestly i’ve lost track of the amount

of times that i have

binged again or exercised excessively or

had obsessive thoughts

but it’s gotten me so far to the point

where i can order food

without feeling guilty or go out to

dinner with my friends without having to

say oh

sorry actually i’m not hungry

i have gained a new sense of freedom

honestly i find this topic very

difficult to discuss

i felt very awkward and detached when i

was writing this

which i found very strange considering

how personal it is

i understand that many of you may feel a

sense of detachment from your own

stories

whether that’s because of the stigma

around them or the anxiety that comes

with recalling

such terrifying moments of your life

is not what actually matters

what really matters is not allowing this

detachment from reality

block your view of how serious an eating

disorder is

and allow it to stop you from bettering

yourself

i found this quote the other day that

really resonated with me

and i would like to share it

much like other addictions eating

disorders

freeze emotions and can become a detour

from real hurt and pain

i now see that one reason it took me so

long

to notice the urgency of my own

situation

was the fact that i refused to accept

that i needed help

i distracted myself from thinking of it

as an issue

i numbed myself into believing

it was normal

at some point you reach a pinnacle where

you can no longer tell

what’s real from what isn’t and what is

triggering you

to do this

but i want to clarify that i am not

trying to victimize myself

or any other individuals going through

this nor am i trying to place myself

on a pedestal all that i want to do here

is normalize speaking out and opening up

to each other

to be honest it took me a lot of courage

and contemplation

to decide how much of my story i wanted

to share here with you today

but would you look at me differently now

than from the moment that i walked

onto this stage

would you talk to me differently treat

me differently

would you pity me now

if so then why why

do we choose to label people based on

their struggles

do not look at me and label me as the

girl who once had an eating disorder

instead be aware of the commonality of

it

see it acknowledge it and let it

ground you because this fear of being

labeled

is what’s keeping so many people from

reaching out

and it’s why eating disorders have one

of the highest mortality rates

of any other mental disorder

at first i wasn’t going to share any of

my story with you here today

i had trouble translating my emotions

into words in a way that i thought would

do justice to this topic

listen i used to study literature and

i am very good at describing other

people’s emotions

when it comes to myself

not so much

but this is me being as

raw as i possibly can be

telling you to embrace your

vulnerability because it does not make

you a weak person

anyone can stay back and not speak up

but not everyone is brave enough to

admit that they need help

everyone in this room has either dealt

with their own eating disorder or knows

someone who has

please know that no matter what stage of

the disorder you’re in

you deserve to recover you deserve to

feel free

and you deserve to love yourself

regardless of your own

or other people’s expectations

there is an amazing life

beyond the eating disorder

i promise you you will not regret it

and perhaps this

will no longer be so green

thank you

you