Deconstructing Empathy

over the past

over the past many years i’ve been

trying to make sense of this world a

little bit the real

the physical the metaphysical and all

the other realms of it right

and and i do this by asking questions

and and by running experiments and and

by building and by writing books

something that i have been extremely

curious about more recently is

the word empathy um and how the true

embodiment of it could actually look

like

uh the first time i came across the word

empathy was many years ago when i was a

part of a workshop and

you know we were using empathy as a

concept as a tool to understand the

users we were trying to build for

and as it happens i thought you know

when you come across a new word in the

dictionary it starts showing up

everywhere

and that’s what was happening with

empathy that it was in fact showing up

everywhere

but when i looked at it objectively i

realized that empathy has in fact become

a buzz word

now dash you as a coach work with

individuals and you

observe society why do you think empathy

is such a buzz word today

um yeah i have uh thanks which you have

myself been intrigued by that word

for a while now and i started studying

it with a lot of

sort of focused intent and i discovered

something

really interesting is the word is a kind

of a very new word in the

scheme of things it not so

coincidentally was born

around the time mass production and

industrialization was born

the word came into being in 1910

1999 1910 and and it’s sort of grown in

importance

as the industrial era has grown so it

sort of mimics the

what i would call sort of a

dehumanization of society

with the industrialization of us as

we’ve industrialized ourselves

in some ways we’ve been sort of

searching for our own

uh abstract uh answers to

you know purpose meaning empathy these

words have shown up and there’s been a

drumbeat lately around these words and

empathy seems to be part of that

journey that humanity has taken to sort

of find

the human self in this largely

dehumanized world

in some ways if you look at schools

workplaces if you look at

you know society at large countries

measured only by gdp

we have really seen sort of a

machinification of us

and in contrast to that then we start

searching for us

in in this in this what is human if you

know in in the contrast machine

design and innovation on the other hand

you use the word workshop is also sort

of

latched on to that saying how do i now

find deeper aspects to differentiate

with so it was great to differentiate

with form and function but now i have to

understand emotions of people so in some

ways

uh people a lot of people have come

towards this world from different angles

but the essential

idea i feel is victory this idea of

while there’s outer order there seems to

be an inner disorder

as the outer gets more ordered the inner

gets more disordered

and in that we try and sort of search

for this who am i

and you know in that sense the ship of

theseus paradox rishi

where we say you know if all the parts

of the ship are replaced is it the same

shape or it’s a different ship and

in some ways empathy is that so who are

you

and who am i as humans i think that’s

what they were trying to

ask in its work

you know i it’s interesting you use the

word dehumanization

and and the way it shows up in in our

society because

i always thought that dehumanization in

our lives would show up only at the

extreme

uh closures uh you know loss of a loved

one

a breakup loss of a job but it seems

that it is more evident than it has ever

been before the way it shows up in our

lives now before we speak about

humanization

and what it means to be human i would

love to understand

going back to the word empathy what does

it truly mean

because it is used interchangeably with

with compassion

it is used interchangeably changeably

with sympathy sometimes even kindness

so what does it mean what does empathy

truly mean and how is it different from

the rest of the words we use

to describe it

and that’s that’s a great point to bring

up saying you know because we

interchangeably use these words empathy

sympathy compassion kindness and i

thought there is no great uh objective

answer to this

i have i have thought about it a bit and

i realized this is sort of a spectrum

that i will try and table here this is

my own definition not

uh anybody else’s so empathy kind of

latches itself to this idea of

participation i want to be in your shoes

i want to be in your life it is the idea

of immersing yourself in the world

now that’s about being and i have an

issue with it i’ll talk about later but

about

about moving into someone’s world and

looking at the world through that

that’s empathy in participation sympathy

on the other hand

has a bit of distance which is saying i

observe you

and i sympathize with where you are uh

i sympathize with what’s happening to

you i sympathize with where you are in

this journey so

that’s sympathy and i observe and i

acknowledge

compassion on the other hand

actually says i don’t know who you are i

don’t

really know who you are because i don’t

have the capacity to know you

but i still care unconditionally for you

not knowing you i would still care and

it doesn’t matter who you are so

empathy by the way the underlying code

as you would observe is suffering

for all of these that they all

acknowledge that that the human

condition is that of suffering which is

what

the buddhists talk about and in that

this empathy says i want to be you and

you know understand and understand life

simply because i want to observe you

and acknowledge compassion says i don’t

know who you are and i yet want to

be there for you and care for you but my

problem with this word empathy is that

can you ever be in someone’s shoes

that’s the question i ask myself when i

ask others

can we ever be in in anybody else’s

shoes and be true to that purpose

i mean that’s a thought no absolutely

and and just to build on that thought

right

um through

some work on self and through a lot of

reading through a lot of experimentation

what has become clear to me is that most

of what i look at the world

is a projection of where i am and where

i come from and how i’m feeling at this

moment

so then how do you how do you sort of

take a step back from it and learn how

to

walk in someone’s shoes like is that

even possible

is it even possible to truly empathize

them

and that is the paradoxical center point

of empathy

that is a paradoxical exam sort of thing

for you to emphasize you have to be in

some issues now my question is

and before we try and address that rishi

so to understand

certain words we have to understand what

is the opposite of that word so if i ask

you this question what is the

opposite of empathy can you answer that

question

that’s right so if most people frame it

as that

now that’s not a wrong answer but i feel

a better answer

in my opinion is the opposite of empathy

is judgment

now think about it for a minute think

about it for a minute

what what i bring to the table is the

moment i see something any object

any idea my instinctive response is out

of judgment

and where does judgment come from it

comes from my conditioning

now for me to truly empathize it you

have to relinquish

judgment and so because judgment and

empathy almost come from the same space

say two sides of the same coin as pain

and pleasure so to be able to absolutely

empathize i have to be

absolutely free of judgment and is it

truly possible

for any human being to observe a

phenomena or an individual or an idea

without any any judgment which means

almost being thoughtless

in that sense now i wonder if it’s one

of the superpower but i wonder can we

ever relinquish judgment

and hence truly be empathetic

hmm that brings me to my next question

dash

now as a coach you have to create a

space safe space

with the people that you work with and

you must really get to know them

to work with them to to empower them to

enable them to support them

empathy seems difficult it really seems

difficult to practice and to

and to embody so far but as a coach you

do that day in and day out

what are some of the methods and

frameworks that you use

to to really get to know someone

yeah i i spent my entire time observing

human behavior

at scale and the depth i mean that’s

what i do for a living as a coach and as

a

pattern mapper and i’ve always i

wouldn’t say that i have mastered it but

i’ve worked on it consciously

being consciously working on it allows

you to sort of uh

sort of improve upon this practice of

empathy and

the first principle of that is to not

form a judgment and hence to

not have any opinion walking into any

situation

and so there are three directions that

i’d look for when i try to unlock the

story of a human or a story of society

i try and look for where does

uh the human story appear actually it’s

a product of three forces

and each is a very powerful force in

itself so let me try and explain at the

center point

is knowing the story of someone which is

an act of empathy the first force is

that of biology

now we are all bodies of biochemistry

playing out so if you are a teenager

if your you know your hormones will tell

you uh will behave that’s not your

personality that’s your

hormones shaping your personality at

that point same with menopause same with

other life stages so that’s chem

biochemistry and then there is

evolutionary biology in the face of

danger

human response is a particular kind uh

in the face

you know care love safety evolutionary

biology plays a very strong

role in how we shape our thinking and

behavior

and so because we are still 98.7 percent

chimps in our gene code

so we can’t relinquish the fact that

nature it’s the nature of

nature that is playing through us and

there is so little free will that we

have

so to understand someone we have to

understand which of this is coming from

biology

that’s force one force two is psychology

a lot of

our who we are as a personality get

shaped in our childhood between the age

of zero to seven and then

bit between uh in other teenage years

and so to really understand someone you

have to understand psychologically

what they bring to the table the same

you know trigger could

you know derive different responses to

different individuals because of the

psychological framework that they carry

which also forms a judgment psychology i

mean if you have grown up

uh with a story of abandonment then you

will respond to

situations differently you have grown up

with extreme indulgence

you will respond to same situation

differently so you see

your your stories as a child actually

impact how you see the world and hence

how you judge the world so that second

theme

is that of uh psychology which is a very

very powerful force the first one is the

deepest which is biology psychology and

the last is a

mediating force called culture now

that’s sort of

uh kind of trying to balance you with

society now you know

we call ourselves you know christians

hindus buddhists

americans vegans these are words these

are social constructs these are cultural

culture codes that we embody trying to

invite so if you’re living in singapore

you will behave in a particular way

you’ll try and behave particularly to

adhere to norms if you’re working in

microsoft

versus if you’re working in google

you’re wrapped in a culture code now

that changes

behaviors and hence personality so we

now look at this

your stories are the center of it and

these three forces are

always playing out so you are kind of at

the intersection of these three forces

the resultant of that

is the story of us so my job

is to sort of uh is as an analyst start

looking at

where does it come from and for that you

have to create a bit of distance and to

sort of step back a bit and

observe what’s happening here

look at data look at the why behind the

data

look at the ask yourself why behind the

where does it come from

and not form a judgment and to that

extent it’s sort of strange that one has

to be away

from an individual to be truly

empathetic in some ways to be able to

observe

without um you know any hypothesis

at a time when there is so much distance

between

our self the true self the idea of self

which is being then

moved around with with all of these

forces around

uh i wonder how does one know themselves

first

because how do i empathize and how do i

practice empathy with others

if i’m unable to practice empathy itself

so dash

if i were to ask you this difficult

question how do i empathize with self

where do i start

that’s such a great question rishi so

you know in the airplane they say in the

when the master falls

they put your mask first before you try

and help the others and that applies to

empathy as well

i think first self empathize before you

empathize with the other

and i think self-empathy we are in an

era where you know we have become

uh statistically our biggest enemy if

you look at mental health as an idea if

you look at the number of people killing

themselves

and depression is this is the single

biggest disability is the number one

disability today

all this comes from this crisis of

self-empathy that

you know i am battling my own self and i

think it’s very important that we bring

this

subject to table saying how do i

empathize with myself care for myself

first

and uh and for that you have to you have

to step away from your own thoughts you

have to tell yourself that i’m a product

of my conditioning

and conditioning is what i inherited and

so you have to

separate your own consciousness from

your thought and to be able to observe

your conditioning

and to be able to analyze it without

forming a judgment that i’m

i’m i’m a sinner or i’m a saint or i’m a

you know good or a bad guy

i’m you know all of that in fact

morality comes in the way of empathy

because we form very strong judgments

about morality and

and some of these concept religious

concepts force us to

develop morality and i actually

sometimes push back against that so you

know

let the person be true to themselves

observe themselves you observe yourself

gather data and then understand who am i

minus my conditioning i mean if i were

to and and who am i as a product of my

conditioning then you’re able to see

yourself

as this person outside of you to be able

to observe yourself

from a distance is i think

the highest power that an individual

could carry that’s probably called

meditation

that is what probably is called to be

able to observe your thought

you start with your breath and they say

please observe your thought and then i

would say please observe yourself

in the silence of who you are and

probably you’ll be able to see the

patterns and within that

find your story and that’s probably the

act of self empathy

thank you for sharing that dash i think

the time is limited always unfortunately

but these are the things that i’m taking

away

one empathy is much deeper than

the words can define right now and

unfortunately it seems that our

frameworks

limit us from going to the depths of it

truly

um second the opposite of empathy is

judgment

and empathy demands us to relinquish

judgment

third that to truly know someone we must

first know ourselves

and for that we must observe

and we must empathize with our own

selves first

that’s what i’m taking away thank you so

much for your time today dash

uh this has been eye opening

if i were to ask you one last question

what is your hope for the world

uh with empathy today

um you know there was a word called love

which was beautiful and now it’s just

the email sign off

uh love dash love this love that we have

we have actually sort of murdered a

beautiful beautiful world which was born

i mean

do you know what love means it’s a

powerful word and yet today we

sort of use it without being conscious

of what it is and we don’t even practice

love i mean we use it

to see the difference between

understanding the word in practice so i

hope my hope for empathy is that we do

not make it another word like love

and once we truly truly understand it

and and and and the

highest wishes that we practice empathy

in every action

it’s like you know that’s my wish is

that i wish we practice

empathy and honor it it’s a beautiful

world

all right thank you so much for your

time today dash