When Empathy Strikes

[Music]

i had a number of jobs before i became

an empathy coach and educator

i worked at a tattoo shop i was a high

school english teacher

i managed a pizza restaurant across all

of these jobs

i formed relationships with really

diverse people

i’d find myself on a street corner at 2

am

learning to make jewelry from one of the

regulars at the pizza shop

or at the world on wheels roller skating

with my favorite students

i suspected the quality of these

relationships made me better at my jobs

so i went back to school to research

this idea

i learned that a critical influence on

how we work

across sectors is a phenomenon our

bodies are biologically equipped for

empathy i investigated how scientists

study empathy

and discovered that it has quantifiable

outcomes across a broad range of

disciplines

designers and engineers use empathy in

every design thinking framework

the layout of your car the way your

phone is designed

these all began with a formal

empathizing process

negotiators use empathy to resolve

conflicts between

world superpowers and rival gangs

the medical profession implements formal

empathy training because it improves

patient outcomes

and reduces malpractice claims we

saw examples of empathy when medical

professionals put their faces on badges

at the beginning of the pandemic to help

them connect with covid patients

i use empathy to help organizations

improve culture and outcomes

but something has recently shifted

i started getting calls about

divisiveness

and fractured relationships like the

university leadership

class that had different ideas about

race and racism

but was unwilling to engage about their

experiences

or my friend who had different political

ideas

than her dad and as a result it was

driving their

previously close relationship apart

people were now calling me to get my

help to use empathy

to bridge divides

now empathy isn’t agreement it can’t

make your aunt kathy vote for your

favorite presidential candidate

but empathy can lead to an understanding

that opens doors divisiveness closed

the challenge is to get to empathy

we have to be willing to let go of

judgment and that isn’t easy

we enter conversations with an agenda

this shuts down our empathetic biology

in order to get to real empathy we have

to be willing to listen

and connect empathy has been defined in

a lot of different ways

but the ways that best capture all the

functions

and rewards of our physiology include

a focused attention on the other person

without distractions or judgment an

accurate interpretation of that person’s

perspectives

and emotions and a reciprocated

emotional response this

compels the physiological state of

empathy

and makes it feel really good we have

facial muscles that engage and send a

message to our brain

neurobiology chemical reactions

even memory making all networks of

processes that all happen and and compel

this process of empathy

now whether you make a conscious

decision to empathize or just get caught

up in the moment

empathy begins with present body

awareness

we connect without

distraction or judgment and this

begins an understanding of the other

person’s

emotional state we

understand emotional states through

mimicry of facial expressions

that are revealed within the fraction of

a second

our facial muscles imperceptibly and

unconsciously engage in the same places

as the facial muscles of the people with

whom we’re empathizing

and this sends a message to our brain

about the feeling that they’re feeling

so if the corners of your mouth get

tight

and your brow furrows i’m going to do

the same thing

and if your shoulders slump and you turn

away i’ll do the same thing

anything that stands in the way of my

mimicry

of your body language or your facial

expression

whether it’s a distraction or the

challenges of virtual conferencing

technology

or elective procedures that change the

way our facial muscles engage

this can impede our empathetic

connection

mimicry of your voice body language

facial expression all allows me to start

to

share the feeling that you have

mirror neurons are another part of our

empathetic

circuitry anything you

communicate lights up as a lesser shade

in my brain as if i was experiencing it

too

so if you are in pain

my mirror neurons engage in the same

places

as if i were in pain when i hear the

sound of a strong emotion

or vocal inflection my mirror neurons

engage in the place as if i was

experiencing

the source of that sound mirror neurons

are another way

that we experience emotion through

mimicked emotional response

next come the chemical reactions that

compel us

to participate in empathy dopamine and

serotonin

are neurotransmitters that are released

in our brain

and they influence engagement and

emotion

and energy dopamine

engages our pleasure center and

serotonin gives us a sense of well-being

oxytocin which is the connectedness

hormone

is released into our bloodstream

and we get this sense of pleasure a

flush of euphoria

this may engage our parasympathetic

nervous system and this incites logic

and helps us to avoid any sort of

biased thinking it’s going to impede our

fight or flight response

to questions or comments make us less

defensive

make us more willing to trust this is

going to create

a somatic tag in our medial prefrontal

cortex

which just means that we’re going to

have a positive memory

associated with this entire experience

so moving forward

we’ll remember this as a positive

emotional

shared memory psychologically

we’re building an in-group of

us this creates pathways for

easier future synchronicity even if we

were bonding over a

negative emotion or experience

now you’ve probably experienced more

impactful examples of empathy than any i

can describe for you

a colleague with entirely different life

view

who you learned from not because you

agreed

but because you could respect someone

with whom you disagreed

an unexpected fondness you felt for

someone

who you met briefly and

you just clicked a stranger in need

someone you met just once it’s sometimes

easier to move to empathy with the

people we know the least about

when there’s no history

empathy has the power to bring people

together in a lot of different spaces

but it’s a cross-divisiveness that feels

most

urgent right now this is not to suggest

that you can empathize with everyone

all the time but there is tremendous

possibility and power in the times that

you do

the most powerful examples of empathy i

have seen

are when two people of irreconcilable

ideas

have formed deep affection and respect

for one another

in spite of those ideas we have the

physiology

we need to empathize and it feels so

good

because it’s critical to human survival

we have the power to bridge divides and

it is as much a part of our biology as

laughter

we’re happier healthier more optimistic

more effective

when we use empathy to connect with

people

who are different from us if we

reject the possibility for connection

across divides

we let go of the

complete capacity of our physiology

and the breadth of our humanity

in a time of ever-growing divides

empathy

is the only bridge

you