Resilience is Not a Piece of Cake

think back to when you were a baby

and took your very first steps did you

stand up and confidently walk across the

room on your very first try

of course you did we’re a baby that’s

not what babies do

they stand up and they fall down and

they get back up

and they do it over and over again

sure they cry or they get frustrated

but if i had a guess i don’t think

there’s ever been a baby who has said

you know what this walking thing it’s

not for me

i give up i’m a failure and i’m not

gonna try anymore

now think back to the last time you

didn’t get something right on the first

the second or even the third try

what did you say to yourself did you say

you know what that’s okay i needed to

fail at that

so i could do better than next time or

did you say

oh that’s it i give up i’m a failure

i’m not going to try anymore

we all start out with a can do attitude

so why does it change i think it comes

down to three simple words

fear of failing

you see many of us set the bar

impossibly high in our own lives

we strive for perfection and anything

short of that

prompts us to say that’s it i give up

i’m a failure i’m not going to try

anymore

when we think about this idea of

striving for perfection

and falling short in no place is that

more evident than when we look at the

diet culture in our country

as a nation we spend billions of dollars

every year

on the latest diet craze and promise but

obesity rates continue to climb

why i’ve worked with over a thousand

individuals struggling with their weight

and i can tell you how much they eat or

how active they are

that’s not the core issue the common

thread that ties all of these

individuals together

is how perfect they think they need to

be in order to find success

the harder they are on themselves the

more they demand perfection

the more that holds them back that

desire to be

perfect that belief that anything short

of perfection is failure

is the exact reason so many of us

struggle to make change

i want to tell you a story so about five

years ago i met shelly

she was this really great woman she was

in her mid-40s and she was struggling

with obesity

and when she came into my office that

first day she looked

so nervous when i said to her

why have you come in she looked at me

and said

i’m scared i was just diagnosed with

diabetes

i know i need to lose weight i’ve lost

weight before but i always gain it back

just tell me what to do and i’ll do it

in speaking with her it was clear that

she had a history of making a lot of

changes

but she just wasn’t able to stick with

them so i said to her

you know what let’s try something new

how about you focus on making

one change that’s so small that you know

without a doubt

you can stick with it this week so she

thought about it for a minute and said

well i could walk for 10 minutes every

day

so that’s where we started a week later

she came back to my office and she was

beaming with confidence

she told me she had easily been walking

10 minutes every day

so with each passing week she would set

a small goal

achieve it and then set another one and

her progress those first few months was

remarkable

in the six months time she had cut

medication in half

by the year mark she had lost 100 pounds

and she resolved all of her medication

completely

she told me erin i’ve never been prouder

of myself

now if i stop the story there it sounds

like shelby solved her problem right

well you see there was one clue that

showed us she wasn’t going to be

successful

in all the time that we worked together

she never had a slip up

she never had one setback or even

regained one pound

who does that it’s remarkable

but it’s not realistic

just a couple days later shelley went to

a party

and she decided she was gonna have a

slice of cake no big deal right

not to shelly the moment that that kid

touched her lips

she completely transformed she went from

a confident woman who wouldn’t let

anything stand in her way of her

achieving her goals

to somebody who became completely

defeated

in that moment she became a failure and

she could no longer see the point in

continuing to try

unfortunately shelley’s story isn’t

uncommon the research shows there’s a

direct link between perfectionism

and disordered eating it tells us that

we have to address perfectionism

if we hope to prevent and manage

disorder eating but that rarely happens

as healthcare professionals we often get

so wrapped up in the numbers

that we forget to consider other factors

like personality

that can also impact health so what do

we do

we shame those who gain weight we preach

about calorie counting

portion control getting more exercise

being more perfect

but what if we thought about it

differently what if instead of focusing

so much on what we should do

we started to focus on how we should

think

what if a simple shift in mindset to

self-acceptance

and self-compassion was really all that

was needed to win the weight management

battle

and what if those traits became the norm

in our everyday life

wouldn’t we all be happier i think we

would

you know as i’m sharing shelley’s story

right now i can see a bit of myself in

her

i can relate with how she demanded

perfection from herself

and i can understand how her view of

success was either perfection or failure

there was no gray area allowed

but just like shelley i never viewed

myself as a perfectionist

i was just always trying to be better at

all things in all ways

and i’ve always fallen short

i still remember the first time i felt

like a total failure

i was in kindergarten and this

this right here was my nemesis this

cardboard shoe

this piece of cardboard with its little

yarn laces almost derailed my entire

educational career

because you see up until this day i had

only ever worn velcro shoes

so on that day when my teacher asked me

to tie the laces on this cardboard shoe

i didn’t know how to do it it was the

first time in my life that she asked me

to do something

that i didn’t know how to do and i felt

and i was mad i was so mad i went home

that night and i told my parents

that’s it i am quitting kindergarten and

i am never going back

now my mother didn’t make me go back to

school the next day

and i am happy to report that i did go

on not only to graduate from

kindergarten

but today as an adult i can tie my own

shoes

but you know even though i went back to

school that day that desire to be

perfect it continued to follow me

even as an adult when i became a

nutrition professional

i never wanted to admit to my clients

that i struggled with disordered eating

as a teenager

because what would they think i was

afraid they’d be as a fraud

or a hypocrite or worse a failure

but what i’ve learned is that the

struggles i had overcome they weren’t

failures at all

they actually gave me unique insight and

empathy to help others struggling in

similar situations

they made me stronger and they made me

better

and that’s the funny thing about failure

it can actually make us better

but sometimes we’re just too close to it

to see that

i never realized how much that desire to

be perfect impacted my everyday life

until i became a mother i remember it’s

right after the birth of my second son

and

i was struggling i was trying to juggle

a newborn and a toddler

run a business be a good wife and

everything in between

and i desperately wanted to look like i

had it all together on the surface

but inside i was falling apart

and i still remember one morning trying

so hard just to get out the door on time

it took half the morning just to

convince my toddler to wear a pair of

pants

and it took at least another hour to

change the baby over and over again

after a few poorly timed day for

explosions

and everybody was crying and i remember

crying to myself

and sitting down on the floor saying i

give up

i can’t do this i can’t be perfect

and all of a sudden this little voice

piped up next to me and said

but mommy you are perfect

and i still remember looking up at that

little face thinking

you know what he’s right

despite all of my many many

imperfections

in that moment i was everything he

needed

i was perfect it took the wisdom of a

three-year-old to point out to me how

ridiculous my ideals were

and to show me what truly mattered but i

knew in that moment

i had a change because once their

children growing up striving for the

unrealistic

and unattainable bowl of perfection i

knew i didn’t

but until i changed how can i raise

resilient children

so how do you overcome perfectionism

in my opinion it starts with a change in

mindset

you have to embrace failure learn from

it

and let those failures help you to grow

you see that was the exact mindset shift

that shelley needed to make

a year and a half after her inner

struggle with perfectionism

she had a breakthrough she gave herself

permission to fail

and instead of shaming herself over

those failures she embrace them

and learn from them and today she’s in a

much better place

she’s balancing her diet with foods that

nourish her along with indulgences

she walks every day because she enjoys

it and it makes her feel good

and she’s down 80 pounds and counting

but she knows the number on the scale

doesn’t define her and her self-worth is

no longer wrapped up in how much she

weighs

she’s practicing self-compassion every

day and ultimately that practice has

been the key to her weight loss success

so whatever your goals are for yourself

if you want to achieve them

begin by practicing self-compassion

embrace slip-ups learn from them and let

those failures help you to achieve your

best self

as i leave you today i just want you to

think about one thing

if you demanded perfection from yourself

from the moment you were born

you’d still be walking around in your

diapers today

the fact that you’re not you’re wearing

pants

that gives me hope because you didn’t

get through because you gave up

you’ve got here because you have the

will to try and to fail

and to try again so how much more could

you achieve if you embrace failure with

open arms

and learn from it because ultimately in

the end

it’s failure that helps us to achieve

our goals

failure is what creates muscle so don’t

be afraid to flex that muscle

every day thank you