This is a Family Matter

i’m an artist and a facilitator

so it only feels natural for me to ask

you to do an activity i’m going to need

you to trust me so that i can take you

on a little journey

if you feel comfortable to do so please

can you close your eyes

keep them closed for me and all i want

you to do is imagine a family

really picture them there who’s there

who are the people in this family what

do they look like what clothes are they

wearing

how are they interacting do they look

happy

and where are they are you picturing

them outside in public in this moment

and if so is there anybody walking past

wondering how they’re all related

you can open your eyes now thank you

on the screen is a stock photo family

and i’m assuming

that this is what most of you were

imagining dad

mom two children and they look happy

enough

they look like they were designed to fit

together as one unit

but this this is my family

i have a mom and a dad who i’m really

close to i have a brother and a sister

both older than me so

who’s that at age 11

my mom sat me down to tell me that she

was in a new relationship

mum and dad hadn’t been together for a

while at this point so i guess i thought

this was inevitable

what i hadn’t expected was that my mom’s

new partner would be a woman

and that now at age 11 a whole world of

inequality and homophobia would be

directed at me

and my family that every time we went

out together i knew there would be

people looking at us

wondering how we’re all related

at school i’d hear homophobic insults

thrown around like tennis balls

each time they’d land into my sense of

self with a thud

denting my identity i didn’t know how to

find myself in the maze of belonging to

an unconventional family all i could see

were judgments and otherings and

this didn’t only come from the students

it was five years before i ever told

anybody that my mom was in a same-sex

relationship

and i just want to shout out that the

friends that when i did tell them

treated me exactly the same and have

supported me ever since

they’d known the whole time anyway but

every monday morning came the same

routine of lying about what i did at the

weekend

yeah i just didn’t really get up to much

i went to stay with my dad

my mum’s friend visited

in reality i was being loved and cared

for by all three of my parents

they were teaching me about the world

and building the values in me that i

still carry today

but i’d created a web of lies that often

got tangled and confused

i was desperate to be anything but the

girl with two moms

i wanted to be judged for who i was and

not who my parents are

and maybe we all feel some sense of not

wanting to be judged on the families

that we’re born into

and we definitely all keep some family

secrets

but what does it mean when the heart of

who you are as a person is being called

into question

when your very existence is being called

unnatural

damaging and disgusting

i can probably count on one hand the

times i’ve seen this part of my life

represented in the media

but every day for a month in 2019 i

watched as a school in the city

that i work in had parents protesting

the no outsiders programme

a school in birmingham began teaching

the night outsiders program to open up

conversations about inclusivity and

equality

this included using a storybook about a

family of penguins

with two male parents almost like mine

a group of parents found out about the

programme and in outrage began a protest

they removed their children from the

school halted their education

and harassed the staff it wasn’t long

before this became a national news story

with some of the biggest platforms

giving airtime to the protesters

myself and other people with lgbtq plus

parents had to sit by

and listen to those protesters tell the

world that they didn’t want their

children to know

that we existed

we sat by knowing that there might be

children in that school with queer

parents like ours

fearful that every time they walked into

the school gates their parents would be

villainized

it felt like my experience at school and

my childhood thoughts were playing out

in real time and on national news

i’m now 25 i work as an artist and a

facilitator

i work with young people every day and i

used to go into schools to teach a

couple times a month

every time i did i can guarantee i’d

feel those tennis balls third against my

identity again

each morning i’d brace myself for it do

up my armor

and use my creativity as a racket to bat

them away

it still hurts but i’ve never been more

proud of my story

i remember the one time listening to a

student on one side of the room tell his

friend that

if he was ever prime minister then he’d

ban gay people

whilst on the other side of the room

being told by a student that he was

scared to come out to his family and

friends

i’d see myself in those classrooms every

time i’m there

and yet i’ve never heard a stupid a

student openly admit that any of their

family are queer

and now maybe it’s because of my age but

i’m noticing that my friends have been

beginning to talk about becoming parents

and yet nothing sticks out in my head

more than the time a friend asked me

that she just wanted to know

how to love her children in a world that

hated

the way she loves what she meant was how

can she consciously bring a child into a

world that’s homophobic

i’m watching as people that i know have

more love to give than most

question whether they could successfully

raise children

for queer people parenting isn’t just a

decision of yes or no

but a continuous cycle of questions and

considerations

how can i ensure that my child will be

brave enough

will people always wonder how we’re all

related

will there be enough people to support

my child

and what will happen to them what will

happen to the children who have to hide

their family lives

who have to tell lies to fit in and who

have to watch their existence being

protested

so how do we delete the current outdated

and oppressive ideas about what a family

should be

we can start by reading the storybook

about two male penguins raising their

chick

to our children and in the same way that

conversations about queerness in all its

forms are opening up

we can bring those conversations into

our schools our homes and our

communities

queer people have been choosing their

own families for years

and it’s time that we started to choose

them

the dictionary tells us that a family is

two parents and their children

living together as one unit in reality

it’s a group of people

with a shared connection to place people

and past

and the dictionary also tells us that a

community is a group of people with a

shared connection

to place people and past

family and community are one in the same

a group of people whose lives are

intrinsically linked

their connections are woven together to

create a nest of commonality

a net that should be making our children

feel safe and loved

and yet they’re slipping through

we have to start treating our

communities like they are family

and recognize that the role of raising

children belongs to us all

the no outsiders protesters shouted let

kids be kids

so let kids like me be kids by allowing

them to grow up in a world where they

don’t have to carry the burden

and fear of being othered let kids

be kids of their communities

i’d like to ask you to close your eyes

one last time

this time i want you to imagine your own

family

really picture them there maybe you can

see your parents

your siblings even your own children

but i also want you to imagine all of

the people that have ever had an impact

on your life

it might be a teacher a friend or

someone you’ve only ever spoken to

online

but they’ve taught you about the world

and helped you build the values that you

carry today

that’s family i want you to know that

this

matters that we matter and that my

family

matters and that the world

it’s a family matter thank you

you