The lifelong impact of absent fathers

[Music]

[Music]

fatherless

is an interesting word everyone has a

father

but how that father relates to their

children

is a different story everyone in this

room has a father

but everyone has a different experience

with their father

i took the time to think about eight

different types of fathers and i’m

pretty sure

that i left out some of them so please

forgive me in advance

let’s first talk about the disney dad

this is the all-inclusive dad who is

at everything i mean this dad was

always available the first to sign up

for a pta event

and didn’t even mind overlooking a

alabama football game for the bake sale

he is a disney dad everybody knows at

least

one disney dad but some of us

had a hollow dad that hollow dad was

in the home but was emotionally

disconnected some of us had a stone cold

steve

austin dad who was quick to grab a beer

quick to throw a punch or quick to hurl

insults at their family that father

was very emotionally and very physically

abusive

some of us had a peek-a-boo dad

that was constantly in and out

of their children’s lives others

had a hide-and-go-seek dad dad

is he here mom have you seen him

was he here this weekend where is dad

some of us had a hide-and-go-seek dad

others of us had the experience of

losing a father

had the experience of a divorcing

parent situation those fathers are

called hopscotch dads

those unfortunately by court mandate

were offered the opportunity to be in

and out of the child’s life every other

weekend

or every other week hopscotch dads

then there are some that were invisible

dads those dads we never saw

and we never even knew who they were

some of us

have had the issue of losing a father

completely

to death or however that happened but

it’s very unfortunate

those we call angel dads

regardless of whatever type of dad we

had we all had one

but what does the definition of father

less mean

fabulous in this case actually puts the

responsibility

and the ownership on the father to be

engaging

to be enlightening to be encouraging and

to equip their children

fathers who fail to create a firm

foundation for their children

actually put their children at a great

disadvantage

the children that actually have to go

through a fatherless situation

have the ability or look at life in a

different format

there’s no there’s no um

guessing or second guessing to even

think that a child that has gone through

such a difficult situation

has not had to overcome some significant

barriers in fact

it is a fact that children who have both

parents

are more inclined especially if those

parents were

i gave them clear boundaries and clear

expectations

those children are more likely to be

emotionally

educationally socially and also

behaviorally

more prominent we have to understand

that there are all

different types of scenarios but we must

understand

how to help students or help children

get

through some of these scenarios i

personally

had a peek-a-boo dad he was consistently

in and out of my life

i remember always wondering did my

dad really love me and if he did

isn’t love an action word

as a child i remember sitting on the

corner or right on the edge of my

grandmother’s couch

waiting on my father to arrive i

remember this distinct sound of someone

coming up the stairs

my grandmother had a wooden porch and we

can hear when visitors were coming

my grandmother had a door that was made

of glass but it had 16 panes on it

and on this side of the door there was

a curtain anytime we went to look at

or to see who was coming in we would

open that curtain to find that

kind visitor every time my father would

come to visit

there was always this great anticipation

of a game of peek-a-boo

i would go to the door and open that

curtain and lo and behold he will pop

his face

right into that panel where i opened the

curtain

oh what a great feeling i was so excited

to see him

matter of fact i was so excited that he

took his time

to come and see me i felt special i felt

loved

but oh my goodness i wondered what he

would teach me

when he teach me to play the drums he

was excellent at that

in fact that’s how my mother and father

met she was the lead singer

he was the drummer would he teach me to

play a rhythm

or would he teach me something about

photography i tell you i don’t know very

many people who

are as gifted with a camera as he is

would he teach me something about

putting something in a frame

or would he teach me to defend myself

as a single child as a you know growing

up with my mom i needed all the help

that i can get

he loved karate in fact he loved bruce

lee he loved bruce lee to the point that

he was going to name me cato

the character from the green hornet that

wouldn’t have worked for me i would have

probably changed my name by now

no offense to those called cato but at

the same time

i remember sitting there at the same

corner at the same

edge of that couch and him not coming

and him not showing up

and i really i remember asking myself

why isn’t

he here i’m ready my book bag is on

i have my items i’m ready to go i just

want to hang out

did you know that 70 percent of

african-american children

grow up in a single-parent home

70 percent and the majority of those

children actually are raised by their

mother

the american legal system is very hard

on those attempting to go through the

child support process

in fact that time can take from three to

six months

and that’s only if both parents are

cooperating

that time could easily extend to nine or

twelve

months only to get child support

did you know that there are almost 14

million

children that are in the child support

system in the united states

14 million this number is astronomical

and

over 50 percent of those are being

raised or those who are

accepting child support are women 50

so when we look at the data 287 dollars

is the average that someone on child

support will receive

287 a month

the census would tell us the most recent

census would tell us

that those who are receiving child

support are only receiving up to maybe

60

of that which is owed that means that on

average

a family or a custodial parent could

actually receive maybe 3 500

a year how in the world can you raise a

child

on 3 500 a year

when we really look at it when we really

investigate deeper

we have to come up with an understanding

of how we can change

the system for the better when i really

stop

to pause and think about the damage that

is done

to the children that are are going

through this fatherless process

i quiver and i lament for them

the distractions that they have to go

through the things that they have to

overcome

did you know that children that grow up

without their father are more likely

to have a diminished world view of

themselves low self-esteem

did you know that they are more likely

to not necessarily believe that they can

actually accomplish that which they

reach for

this is a very difficult situation for a

child to be in

did you know that children that grow up

without their father

are more likely to have behavioral

issues more likely to have mental health

issues more likely to have children

outside of wedlock or be extremely

promiscuous

or be more promiscuous did you know that

those same children

are more likely to to end up in jail or

to end up homeless

this is a constant issue over and over

again that we see in our society

did you know or maybe you didn’t but i

actually conducted a survey

of 50 men and i asked them the question

what is the worst

part about growing up without a father

some of them said i felt guilty i felt

like it was my fault

some of them said that i really did not

learn how to be a man

i wasn’t taught to be a man some of them

said that i really struggle with

understanding how to operate in society

i really hurt for those young men who

actually answered in that way

i learned how to be a man through what i

call inverse intelligence

i had to look at the opposite of what i

saw before me

and really create an environment for

myself that i was able to utilize to

operate now you can only imagine how

difficult that could be

but what if what if we as a society will

hold each other accountable

for what we do as a society we often

rely on the federal systems or we rely

on school systems or the police systems

to help in this in that way but what if

we were to hold each other accountable

what if we were to be at a situation

where we could um what if siblings

weren’t able to hold each other

accountable

what if siblings were able to say listen

i’m not going to allow you to not

live in your child’s world i

if i had a sibling that went through

that i would make sure

that he or she cared for loved as much

as possible that child

because that child deserves it what if

let’s go a little deeper if we were to

address some of the skeletons that were

in the closets

and we were able to bring those

skeletons out as a family and really

address them and bury them well

what if we were able to actually change

the world

from inside of a family and out

there are several things that we may be

able to do as a society

but what about the fatherless the

fatherless i give you

three or four different final points

as a child who has to endure the pain

and the suffering of not having a father

i really

suggest and i hope that you would do one

of four things that you would recognize

number one that you have to start with

you everything starts from within

secondly you have to be able to

acknowledge the fact

that wait a minute your father may have

not provided you with

what you longed for it wasn’t the car

it wasn’t the barbie it was actually his

time that you really wanted

when you’re able to verbalize that to

him then you

actually have an advantage thirdly

if you’re able as a fatherless child to

be able to recognize that he may not

ever be

what you wanted him to be then you may

be able to stand

firm on both feet and recognize that you

have

more power than you ever gave yourself

acknowledgement for

and then lastly if you’re able to simply

appreciate those who have walked with

you you

also strengthen yourself i know that my

mother has moved mountains for me

throughout my life she has not only

moved mountains

she traveled over 800 miles to be here

with me today

i am very thankful and appreciative i’m

very thankful for my wife who has really

walked with me

through these trials and tribulations

over hills

and through valleys i’m very thankful

those four pieces are absolutely

necessary for the fatherless

but what you also in closing what we

have to do

is create those vaccines that will

eradicate fatherlessness

from our society one of those vaccines

has to be accountability

we have to hold men accountable for what

they do

four those who are in that scenario

forgiveness

you have to release the opportunity you

have to release that pain

and you have to stand on your own dot in

your own time

i know that i have done the work and in

transparency

i invited my father here today and

unfortunately he said that he was going

to be here

and he’s not again i’m 40 years old

and i’m still playing peek-a-boo with my

dad

it’s very unfortunate but i’m in a

different place now

and i can stand firmly and i know that

that’s not a reflection of me

that’s a reflection of him

what if we were able to change the world

one family at a time by simply

applying accountability i know we can do

it

thank you

you