From Fear to Forgiveness to Freedom

[Music]

the first i was aware of him

he had his hand around my throat and a

screwdriver to my neck

i screamed and screamed he stabbed me in

the neck he stabbed me in the neck he

stabbed me in the neck

i screamed i looked at him

he is small i can overpower him i

grabbed the screwdriver and i thrusted

into his side

he tightened the grip around my throat i

felt myself

blacking out i fought back i lunged i

plunged i hit her kicking stabbed

screamed i lunged i plunged he hit he i

kicked he stabbed i screamed

he took the screwdriver and he stabbed

me in the throat he stabbed me in the

mouth

i saw a tooth flying through the air in

slow motion

it must be mine i fought back i lunged i

plunged i hit her kick he stabbed i

screamed

he he hit me again i hit him in the face

with

it with my fist he took his hand and he

started strangling me

my contact lenses popped out i couldn’t

see

i fought he pushed my head down he said

see what you made me do

we fell to the ground he hit my head

against the wall

he took the screwdriver and stared me in

the air

flowing blood gushing flood

i screamed i could not hear the scream

how do we find our voice and be heard

after facing such a dark event

how do we restore our power when it has

been taken from us

come and join me on this journey where i

share with you how we can move from

victim

to survival to thriver and beyond

to freedom do you know that this journey

is not linear

it is quite convoluted and it’s up and

down and backwards and forwards

and there are many many roadblocks on

this journey there are hazards they are

detours they are called the socks

you might have to go back and start

again and you might even change your

destination

and also know that there are many other

people on similar journeys

they may have different destinations

they may be driving different vehicles

but they will be facing

the same kind of hazards and detours on

their journeys

and also know that you are not alone

there are therapists and healers and

coaches and families and friends

and people who can guide you and help

you on this journey

so let me be your guide and your compass

as we navigate the twists and the turns

and the hills

and the valleys come and join me as we

find

freedom together and let’s follow the

signposts

that i have discovered on my journey of

healing

the first signpost is knowledge

acknowledge

acknowledge what has happened to you so

you go through life

normal functioning and then something

happens to disrupt you

something it could be an accident it

could be

it could be a divorce the loss of a job

a robbery

some kind of disruption a challenge or

adversity that changes your life

and you become a victim

so how do you acknowledge what has

happened the first thing is to

to divorce the feelings from the

the actual event what happened happened

i was attacked and raped and their foot

dead

it happened i cannot change that

fortunately i didn’t die

maybe you were in an accident doesn’t

matter whose fault it was the accident

happened your car is now

a round off you are in hospital with a

broken leg

it happened you need to accept it

so you need to acknowledge what has

happened and

keep the emotions out of it because the

emotions of victim

are there for a reason and you need to

accept

those emotions so

how do you accept those emotions the

victim emotions are anger fear

hatred disgust shame guilt

depression there are so many negative

emotions that you experience when you

are in victim mode and it’s important

that you acknowledge them and

accept them feel those emotions don’t

push them under the table because they

will come back and trigger you later on

in life

they do not go away they are there

forever unless you

deal with them so you need to physically

work with those emotions and what i

suggest

is use all your senses label them and

rate them on a scale

so i was filled with rage after i was

checked

it was a 10. maybe after your accident

you’re angry

and it’s an eight maybe the accident

wasn’t so bad and it’s a five

so whatever it is find it and rate it

and describe it in as much detail what

does it smell like

rotten eggs where did you feel it felt

it in my gut

what did it make you want to do made me

want to kill him

okay all those negative negative

feelings

and emotions deal with it rate with it

be creative in your description of it

because it will help you later

to change those emotions to positive

emotions

and that brings us to resilience

so with resilience what resilience is a

lot of people say it is bouncing back

to where you were before

the trauma or the or the disruption

happened

but it’s not bouncing back because you

never quite get back to where you were

before

so what resilience is it is dealing with

the situation it’s finding a way to

to come to terms with it you need

courage you need strength you need

creativity

you need to start a dialogue you need to

have conversations

so it is about reframing and refocusing

and redirecting the experience

so that it makes sense to you so for me

after i was raped i wanted to change the

world

so i became an activist and i went out

and i lobbied and i wrote petitions and

i

led marches through the streets because

i was now

a survivor so

resilience brings you to the survivor

mode

but know that survival is still

it’s still a struggle

so what happens after survivor survival

is

the next step you’re now surviving

you’re getting on with your life you’ve

reached some form of normality again

so you want your gritner and grit is

future focused it is focused on new

dreams

new aspirations new directions so grid

is a wonderful place to be

and so it’s about going forging forward

to a new reality with passion

perseverance and persistence so

important because then you become a

thriver

and to be in a thriva it’s where you are

empowered

and you’ve got energy and you’ve got

some level of success

and in addition you get a growth mindset

where you say what have i learned from

this

whatever what have i benefited

from this how has it helped me how does

it help me grow

where is it going to help other people

and that’s when you get a benefit

mindset how can i use my experience

to help other people then we come to the

next signpost and the next signpost

is forgiving yourself so forgiving

yourself

sometimes is not easy but it’s important

that you

you look at all of those emotions that

you had especially during the victim

stage i hated the rapist

i wanted to kill him i was very unhappy

i had all these negative emotions hatred

is a terrible emotion to keep so i

needed to forgive myself for having that

emotion

and i needed to forgive myself for the

behaviors i drank too much to drown my

sorrows

you need to work with those emotions and

forgive yourself for having them they

were needed at the time

but they don’t serve you in the longer

term so forgive yourself

and then we want to take the big step

and we want to forgive others forgive

the perpetrator

so i had left south africa this

the rape happened in 1996 and

13 years later i left south africa to

work in the middle east

and a year later i was coming back to

south africa for my first holiday

and for some reason i had not done this

in the last 14 years

for some reason i contacted the

authorities to find out what had

happened

to the rapist he had been given a

25-year prison sentence

and the authorities informed me that he

was coming up for parole

the day after i arrived in the country

and the law had just changed allowing

victims

as they call them of serious crime to

attend parole hearings

so i decided to go much against the

advice

of family and friends it was too much of

a coincidence

i had to go so the morning

of the hearing i got up it was a

beautiful cape town spring

morning it was a beautiful drive through

the farmlands

lovely spring flowers the sun obliquely

shining

the the snow peaked mountains in the

background

oh it was so beautiful i was calm and

relaxed and then suddenly i turned a

corner

and then against this tranquil bank

backdrop

was this dreadful prison gray building

with electrified barbed wire fencing

armed security guards marching the

perimeter

it was quite eerie and they led me in

and i had to walk through the prison

metal gates clanging shut behind me

down these narrow corridors and

all these orange overall prisoners

waiting for their parole hearings or for

their therapies

it was a bit nervy i entered the room

there were eight gentlemen sitting there

they brought in the prisoner they went

through all the formalities

read his reps she talked about his his

progress in the prison and then they

asked me if i had anything to say to him

and i looked at him looked him in the

eyes

and i said richard i do not condone what

you have done

but i am handing the responsibility back

to you

i compassionately and completely forgive

you from my higher self

to your higher self and i take back

my freedom

the authorities were astounded they

asked if i would pose for a photograph

with the prisoner

i said sure no problem after all i was

the first person in south africa

to attend one of these new parole

hearings

the authorities said to me they would

let me know in seven days

if he got parole or not it was such an

amazing feeling

i looked at them and i said no i don’t

want to know i don’t need to know

i was now completely free of that

individual and it’s understanding that

forgiveness is not about the other

person it’s about

you being bonded to that other person

it’s about you

and it’s about breaking that bond and so

i did not walk out of that prison i flew

out of that prison completely free

so you too can be free

you too can find your voice and be heard

and you can take back the power and move

out of the darkness

into their light so please join me

walking without skin and let’s fly

together

to freedom thank you i am lois

your friend for forgiveness