Tactical Empathy
[Music]
hi
my name is racina gill and i’m here to
speak with you about tactical empathy
also known as intellectual empathy
tactical empathy is so old
it is new again more than 600 years bc
or bce chinese military strategist and
philosopher sun tzu
said essentially if you know yourself
and you know the other
then you are most assured mutual success
and as my executive client said having
empathy
is like knowing how to play chess and
having tactical empathy
is being a grand master so in these few
minutes i’ll tell you about
the objective of tactical empathy the
focus
as well as what people really want and
then six models that will help you
deepen and expand
your ability to practice tactical
empathy
the objective of tactical empathy is to
have communication with results
now what this means is that both parties
emerge feeling
satisfied in a time when we have very
polarized points of view
this type of conversation allows you to
learn how the other person sees the
world
their world view their frame of
reference
and you do so by maintaining that
curiosity
having a blank slate or an open mind
also known as tabula rasa
coming in with no preconceived notions
which may be difficult to do and might
require some practice
but as you retain that curiosity what
you are conveying is that you’re
interested
and also it might be perceived as
respect what you are doing is that you
are collecting more intelligence or
intel knowledge data about that person
so that you can understand their values
beliefs and assumptions
when you are curious you are suspending
judgment
it is hard to be both curious and
judgmental at the same time
being judgmental places that other
person in a lesser down or one down
position
and that communicates disrespect
so when we think about the focus of
tactical empathy it is not the subject
it is the other person that other person
is your partner
they might as well be screaming yelling
or cursing at you
and yet you both have a vested interest
in resolving what it is that you’ve come
to have a conversation about so focusing
on that other individual
is going to help you accelerate to the
point of having an innovative
solution perhaps one that you mutually
have contributed towards
because you have taken the time to
really understand that person’s
feelings and thoughts connecting the two
the logos and the pathos which is greek
for
logic and feelings is going to help you
get to the point
where you have that connection
so when we think about what people
really want it’s to be
understood and accepted understood goes
back
to maslov’s hierarchy of needs if you
look at the base
there is safety and when people feel
understood they feel as though they can
rest
their defensiveness because they feel as
though
you are on their side especially when
they feel accepted
then they feel as though they don’t have
to circle the wagons
because you have accepted them as who
they are and what they stand for
which is not to say that you have it’s
that you have fully understood
their point of view at that point that
person may choose to finally start
listening
to what your views are
that’s when you can have some progress
now
for the six models that could help you
accelerate to that
point of being able to emerge feeling
completely satisfied
the first is the emotional intelligence
grid also known as the eq
matrix there are four boxes
when you know yourself and you know your
emotions
and then you’re able to manage them then
you are in charge of yourself so that’s
on the left hand column on the right
hand column you have
the other being aware of the other
person’s emotions
and also how to manage them well so
that’s the focus because our focus is
the other person it is not ourselves
humanity is key
and ego is the enemy so we’re putting
aside
any of our needs the second
model is an acronym called leap
l-e-a-p l is for listen
put away the distractions and focus on
the other
person we are not there to interrupt
b is for empathize are you able to
articulate what that other person’s
sentiments are whether they’re positive
or less than positive or just
flat out negative a is for
ask at that point you say how can i help
what can i do for you that person is
being allowed to grant you permission
you do not
immediately proceed to problem solving
which is the p
a lot of people listen the l and go
straight to p
to problem solve or fix it because they
feel as though i am here to help you
perhaps good intentions and yet those
who are speaking may be feeling as
though
i didn’t actually come here to have you
tell me what to do
so it places them in a one-down position
they may have come to you just to vent
so l-e-a-p as opposed to just lp
the third model is the behavioral change
stairway
now there are many steps up the stairway
and you may be doing a few
step dances there in the middle they
just all have to be completed to get to
the top
which is behavioral change
the fourth one is the four fatal fears i
like to call it the four fears
and in them you have the fear of being
wrong
which is the need to be right the fear
of losing
which is the opposite of the need to be
a winner the fear of emotional
discomfort which the opposite is
the need to have comfort emotional
comfort be comfortable
and the last one is but not the least
the fear of being rejected which people
have the need
to be accepted and that’s the linchpin
because when we have this interpersonal
dynamic
then these feelings these drivers
emerge it’s hard to lose when there’s no
one else there
it’s hard to be wrong if there’s no one
else there you can certainly be
emotionally uncomfortable with no one
else there
and yet we are able
to have this conversation with others
and emerge
feeling as though we are satisfied so
what are the drivers what are the fears
that are driving ourselves and most
especially the other person
so that you can assist
the next model is known as the results
model it starts with the event
the event is the trigger which then
leads to the mental map
so it’s a circular model the next step
being the mental map is it’s also known
as the cognitive map
which is what i like to call your
cultural baggage it is
all it is comprised of all of the
experiences that you’ve had it’s
old data some of it may apply to this
current situation
but many times it does not
and so then that leads you to have
a set of emotions actions behaviors that
lead to a result that may not be
favorable for you
so when the person has had especially a
trauma
then that trigger can be set and
set off memories that then lead to
behaviors
that have negative results i’ll give you
a funny example of what happened with a
couple of colleagues and myself one time
when we were together the doorbell rang
so that was the event
and for the first person who lived there
she said well someone must be lost i
should go over and
help that person and she proceeded to go
open the door
the second person said oh it’s the pizza
man
that’s what the doorbell signified to
her and for having grown up in los
angeles
and seeing lots of children on milk
cartons i thought
okay if we don’t know who is coming then
you cannot open the door you have to use
the peephole
so there was that fear and apprehension
now
some of you may argue well it’s better
to play it safe than be sorry
and i would agree with you on that yet
that was my mental map and for others
they do not share the same
and yet we thought we had a lot in
common and we knew we had some
differences
so are you always triggered by the same
thing that’s something to think about
but most especially when we’re dealing
and focusing on the other because that’s
tactical empathy
what is it that triggered that
individual to have
those emotions actions and behaviors
that are
leading you to have the result that
you’re having in that moment
now you’re not there to diagnose that
that’s just for you to understand
that this person has a trigger you don’t
understand it you know the emotion even
if you don’t understand why they reacted
to that trigger
it’s important for you to understand the
emotion
the emotion itself
the last model is the jahari window the
jahari window also has four panes
and the point of this model is to
understand
that when you expand the pains
you end up getting into the one that is
hidden
it is the unknown window pane usually we
discover this window pane much later in
life
we can accelerate that if we’re able to
show
more of ourselves perhaps starting off
with people who you feel very
comfortable with
and let them know this is what you are
what you think
what you feel when you have those
experiences
you’re able to show a more genuine side
of yourself and come across
as more sincere more authentic and then
when you move forward
into these more hostile situations where
tactical empathy
is important is critical then you’re
able to convey
that natural sense of authenticity which
is paramount for the person who has
a lot of hostility if you can get there
then that’s what’s going to help you in
those situations
it is a natural is a natural
behavior you just cannot fake
authenticity
although some people are very good
actors
so now i’ve gone through the objective
the focus what people
really want and six models that will
help you
understand and deepen your tactical
empathy i hope moving forward you give
that some time
and thank you for your time right now my
name is racina gill
have a great day