Tactical Empathy

[Music]

hi

my name is racina gill and i’m here to

speak with you about tactical empathy

also known as intellectual empathy

tactical empathy is so old

it is new again more than 600 years bc

or bce chinese military strategist and

philosopher sun tzu

said essentially if you know yourself

and you know the other

then you are most assured mutual success

and as my executive client said having

empathy

is like knowing how to play chess and

having tactical empathy

is being a grand master so in these few

minutes i’ll tell you about

the objective of tactical empathy the

focus

as well as what people really want and

then six models that will help you

deepen and expand

your ability to practice tactical

empathy

the objective of tactical empathy is to

have communication with results

now what this means is that both parties

emerge feeling

satisfied in a time when we have very

polarized points of view

this type of conversation allows you to

learn how the other person sees the

world

their world view their frame of

reference

and you do so by maintaining that

curiosity

having a blank slate or an open mind

also known as tabula rasa

coming in with no preconceived notions

which may be difficult to do and might

require some practice

but as you retain that curiosity what

you are conveying is that you’re

interested

and also it might be perceived as

respect what you are doing is that you

are collecting more intelligence or

intel knowledge data about that person

so that you can understand their values

beliefs and assumptions

when you are curious you are suspending

judgment

it is hard to be both curious and

judgmental at the same time

being judgmental places that other

person in a lesser down or one down

position

and that communicates disrespect

so when we think about the focus of

tactical empathy it is not the subject

it is the other person that other person

is your partner

they might as well be screaming yelling

or cursing at you

and yet you both have a vested interest

in resolving what it is that you’ve come

to have a conversation about so focusing

on that other individual

is going to help you accelerate to the

point of having an innovative

solution perhaps one that you mutually

have contributed towards

because you have taken the time to

really understand that person’s

feelings and thoughts connecting the two

the logos and the pathos which is greek

for

logic and feelings is going to help you

get to the point

where you have that connection

so when we think about what people

really want it’s to be

understood and accepted understood goes

back

to maslov’s hierarchy of needs if you

look at the base

there is safety and when people feel

understood they feel as though they can

rest

their defensiveness because they feel as

though

you are on their side especially when

they feel accepted

then they feel as though they don’t have

to circle the wagons

because you have accepted them as who

they are and what they stand for

which is not to say that you have it’s

that you have fully understood

their point of view at that point that

person may choose to finally start

listening

to what your views are

that’s when you can have some progress

now

for the six models that could help you

accelerate to that

point of being able to emerge feeling

completely satisfied

the first is the emotional intelligence

grid also known as the eq

matrix there are four boxes

when you know yourself and you know your

emotions

and then you’re able to manage them then

you are in charge of yourself so that’s

on the left hand column on the right

hand column you have

the other being aware of the other

person’s emotions

and also how to manage them well so

that’s the focus because our focus is

the other person it is not ourselves

humanity is key

and ego is the enemy so we’re putting

aside

any of our needs the second

model is an acronym called leap

l-e-a-p l is for listen

put away the distractions and focus on

the other

person we are not there to interrupt

b is for empathize are you able to

articulate what that other person’s

sentiments are whether they’re positive

or less than positive or just

flat out negative a is for

ask at that point you say how can i help

what can i do for you that person is

being allowed to grant you permission

you do not

immediately proceed to problem solving

which is the p

a lot of people listen the l and go

straight to p

to problem solve or fix it because they

feel as though i am here to help you

perhaps good intentions and yet those

who are speaking may be feeling as

though

i didn’t actually come here to have you

tell me what to do

so it places them in a one-down position

they may have come to you just to vent

so l-e-a-p as opposed to just lp

the third model is the behavioral change

stairway

now there are many steps up the stairway

and you may be doing a few

step dances there in the middle they

just all have to be completed to get to

the top

which is behavioral change

the fourth one is the four fatal fears i

like to call it the four fears

and in them you have the fear of being

wrong

which is the need to be right the fear

of losing

which is the opposite of the need to be

a winner the fear of emotional

discomfort which the opposite is

the need to have comfort emotional

comfort be comfortable

and the last one is but not the least

the fear of being rejected which people

have the need

to be accepted and that’s the linchpin

because when we have this interpersonal

dynamic

then these feelings these drivers

emerge it’s hard to lose when there’s no

one else there

it’s hard to be wrong if there’s no one

else there you can certainly be

emotionally uncomfortable with no one

else there

and yet we are able

to have this conversation with others

and emerge

feeling as though we are satisfied so

what are the drivers what are the fears

that are driving ourselves and most

especially the other person

so that you can assist

the next model is known as the results

model it starts with the event

the event is the trigger which then

leads to the mental map

so it’s a circular model the next step

being the mental map is it’s also known

as the cognitive map

which is what i like to call your

cultural baggage it is

all it is comprised of all of the

experiences that you’ve had it’s

old data some of it may apply to this

current situation

but many times it does not

and so then that leads you to have

a set of emotions actions behaviors that

lead to a result that may not be

favorable for you

so when the person has had especially a

trauma

then that trigger can be set and

set off memories that then lead to

behaviors

that have negative results i’ll give you

a funny example of what happened with a

couple of colleagues and myself one time

when we were together the doorbell rang

so that was the event

and for the first person who lived there

she said well someone must be lost i

should go over and

help that person and she proceeded to go

open the door

the second person said oh it’s the pizza

man

that’s what the doorbell signified to

her and for having grown up in los

angeles

and seeing lots of children on milk

cartons i thought

okay if we don’t know who is coming then

you cannot open the door you have to use

the peephole

so there was that fear and apprehension

now

some of you may argue well it’s better

to play it safe than be sorry

and i would agree with you on that yet

that was my mental map and for others

they do not share the same

and yet we thought we had a lot in

common and we knew we had some

differences

so are you always triggered by the same

thing that’s something to think about

but most especially when we’re dealing

and focusing on the other because that’s

tactical empathy

what is it that triggered that

individual to have

those emotions actions and behaviors

that are

leading you to have the result that

you’re having in that moment

now you’re not there to diagnose that

that’s just for you to understand

that this person has a trigger you don’t

understand it you know the emotion even

if you don’t understand why they reacted

to that trigger

it’s important for you to understand the

emotion

the emotion itself

the last model is the jahari window the

jahari window also has four panes

and the point of this model is to

understand

that when you expand the pains

you end up getting into the one that is

hidden

it is the unknown window pane usually we

discover this window pane much later in

life

we can accelerate that if we’re able to

show

more of ourselves perhaps starting off

with people who you feel very

comfortable with

and let them know this is what you are

what you think

what you feel when you have those

experiences

you’re able to show a more genuine side

of yourself and come across

as more sincere more authentic and then

when you move forward

into these more hostile situations where

tactical empathy

is important is critical then you’re

able to convey

that natural sense of authenticity which

is paramount for the person who has

a lot of hostility if you can get there

then that’s what’s going to help you in

those situations

it is a natural is a natural

behavior you just cannot fake

authenticity

although some people are very good

actors

so now i’ve gone through the objective

the focus what people

really want and six models that will

help you

understand and deepen your tactical

empathy i hope moving forward you give

that some time

and thank you for your time right now my

name is racina gill

have a great day