The illusion of control

[Applause]

waking up

can be hard i’m probably not alone in

feeling a certain resentment towards

alarm clocks

now imagine how you might feel to wake

up each morning

and see the sun rise on the far side of

a barred window

in those first few moments of

consciousness i’ve experienced

everything

from helpless rage to crushing

loneliness

and that’s before the day even gets

started

it’s said that life is a cruel teacher

who gives the test

first and the lesson second mark twain

reportedly said that education is what’s

left

after we’ve forgotten everything we

learned in school and i would add

that wisdom seems to be what’s left

after we’ve failed the tests life throws

at us

there’s a prayer which goes lord grant

me the serenity

to accept the things i cannot change the

courage

to change the things i can and the

wisdom to know the difference

i may not be especially wise but i do

feel that i’ve developed some insight

into what it is we can

and can’t control in life the upside

of being deprived of the normal agency

over my life

is that i was forced to focus very

narrowly

on the things within my control many of

us

operate with an illusion of control over

our lives

feeling like we can plan everything out

that illusion is easily shattered by a

car crash

a sudden illness or in my case being

thrown into prison

and losing almost all control over the

conditions of my life

some expert climbers talk about staying

in a three-foot world focusing

only on the next set of handholds

now i would point out the graph search

problems associated with only

considering adjacent nodes

but life probably can’t be solved with

an algorithm yet

each of us can only act in this

particular moment

and often frustratingly we can’t control

or even necessarily anticipate

the actions of everyone around us i

began to learn this as a coxswain in

high school and college

while technically i was in charge of the

boat i could only turn the rudder

everything else depended on either the

rowers in my boat

or the crews of the other shells on the

water it’s only in hindsight

that i began to appreciate what profound

lessons i might have learned

no matter how detailed you race plan you

can’t stop

other boats from drifting into your lane

or blocking you on a turn

the success of the boat depends on the

efforts and choices of others

not just yourself one lesson life only

bothers to teach

after you’ve failed the test is that

sometimes

nothing you say or do can change someone

else’s feelings

my engagement fell apart in the months

after i came to prison

ending a seven-year relationship i had

thought would last the rest of my life

accepting that my fiance’s feelings had

changed was a very

hard lesson but one which highlighted

what i was able to control

versus what was in the hands of others i

learned a lot

growing up as the oldest of seven

children

few things in life are more frustrating

than seeing a younger sibling

take their life in a harmful direction

you may offer advice

you may yell at them you may even try to

put in some of the work for them

but ultimately you can only set the

example

other people have to help themselves

first

i’ve also realized in the immortal words

of cool hand luke

that there’s some people you just can’t

reach

i experienced this with a kid i met when

i entered the county jail

following trial without going into

excessive detail

he had some substance abuse issues and

some anger problems

but also a two-year-old son and when i

met him

my older brother instincts kicked in and

i encouraged him to take advantage of an

opportunity he had to complete a drug

treatment program

instead of a prison term unfortunately

he attempted suicide and was

hospitalized

well i wrote him a letter the next day

trying to offer support

and encouraging him to focus on his son

and it seemed to me

that he could chart a course forward by

completing the treatment program

and finding a healthy outlet for his

negative emotions

as a disclaimer i’m in no way

professionally qualified

to dispense advice on handling mental

health issues

but to my reasoning the solution seemed

relatively straightforward

instead he returned from the hospital

and proceeded to barter

borrowed property as collateral for

drugs

running up numerous debts before signing

into protective custody

to avoid repayment that was the last i

ever saw of him

i felt like i’d failed him but was also

offended

that he had apparently ignored my

attempt to help

and made zero effort to help himself

it was some time before i was able to

accept

that i could only extend a hand to help

he had to live his own life

and make his own choices i find

that running is very useful in training

myself to focus

only on the things within my immediate

control

it’s simpler than rowing and can be done

just about anywhere except zero gravity

when i run initially a thousand thoughts

buzzed through my mind

whether tyrion should sit the iron

throne

or if that yelling was the start of a

fight breaking out

and after a mile or two those thoughts

fade into the background

and running becomes a form of meditation

for me brandon sanderson wrote

that the most important step in a

journey is

not the first but always the next step

this is a poignant expression of where

the limit of our control

truly lies each of us can only take the

next step

reach for the next handhold make a

conscious decision

in this moment because the past

is immutable and the future unknowable

limits are often perceived as holding us

back

but the most creative solutions are the

result of working within the constraints

of a given problem

the benefit of being deprived of normal

agency over my life

is that i was forced to focus very

narrowly on my internal state of mind

on my responses to the factors outside

my control

mark divine’s practice of a mind

sentinel or cognitive checkpoint

is very useful for this i adapted the

practice to my

personal philosophy which resembles less

of an ideal

platonic form and more of a hoarder’s

basement

it consists of actively listening to my

internal dialogue

the thoughts which shaped my

self-perception and consciously choosing

which ones to internalize and which ones

to reject

while performing this examination i find

that most sources of stress are beyond

my control

and i’m able to act with more purpose

and intention

in each moment i think of these decision

points

as opportunities for one percent wins

tiny steps which compound over time

much the way the sun gradually lightens

the sky

each morning on the other side of that

barred window

on that note my call to action is simple

it has to do

with how you begin the day tomorrow the

military advocates

that you start by making your bed

properly but i’ve found

it’s impossible to put hospital corners

on a prison cot

instead i choose to begin the day by

consciously smiling

it isn’t always easy and initially feels

ridiculous

but there’s a strong feedback loop

between the mind and body

and gradually my smile stops feeling

forced

and becomes genuine when i begin the day

with this affirmative act of willpower i

find it’s easier

to perceive the limits of my own agency

to focus on the choices i do have

and to ignore external sources of stress

i would encourage each of you to try it

for yourself

first thing tomorrow thank you

[Applause]

you