Navigating in Darkness Stories of Resilience

imagine you’re driving down a road

so familiar that you hardly have to pay

attention as you drive

you know this road well and it leads

where you plan to go

without warning traffic slows and then

stops

and everyone’s diverted onto a new road

this new road is unfamiliar

unfinished narrower and more treacherous

than the roads you’re used to navigating

there’s no off ramp no place to turn

around

and you realize you have no idea where

this new road leads

what do you do

if you can’t turn around you have to

figure out a way to move forward

so you slow down

put your energy and attention into

navigating this new road safely with no

way to know yet if you can still get

where you plan to go

or what will happen if you run out of

gas along the way

there are many moments in our lives

when the road we plan to travel is

suddenly unexpectedly

unavailable to us war breaks out

a pandemic strikes you lose someone you

love

experience the sting of rejection or

betrayal

struggle with feelings of grief anger

sadness shame

for human beings we know that struggle

is an inevitability it’s not a question

of whether we will suffer in this

lifetime

but when in what ways and most

importantly

how we will respond in these moments

this is the shadow side of all we love

and value in life we know

that love can turn to heartache or grief

hope to disappointment riches to rags

and life itself inevitably to death

so how do we live our lives in the words

of dostoyevsky

worthy of our sufferings

our responses to the unexpected turns of

life

depend very much on the stories we tell

ourselves about what these moments mean

for us

others and the world in the field of

psychology we call these deeply held

beliefs cognitive schemas

these are essentially the core beliefs

that filter our interpretations

of all of our life experiences so let’s

say for example i hold a cognitive

schema that

people are fundamentally selfish and

untrustworthy

if someone treats me with kindness i may

respond

by thinking they must want something

from me

instead of allowing myself to actually

experience that kindness

or to see it as evidence against my

belief in the selfishness of people

if on the other hand i go through life

with a belief that

people are doing the best they can with

what they have

i’m probably going to respond with grace

and compassion

even under really difficult

circumstances

we know that our beliefs are so

important the stories we tell ourselves

and others are so important that they

are at the heart

of our resilience as a species so

humans share with other animals the

primitive instinct to

fight flee or freeze in the face of

perceived threat

nothing special about that but it’s what

comes next that can really set us apart

the cognitive ability of human beings to

create and share stories

to make meaning of our experiences to

act

based on our values goals and

perceptions

this is what enables us to pivot to

adapt to ever-changing circumstances

and according to some historians it’s

really this unique

cognitive ability that’s put us at the

top of the food chain

it’s also worth noting in the current

context that this is the cognitive

ability that allows us to learn to see

differently

so that we can do better even in the

face of age-old challenges

as we all face the reality of this

pandemic the combination of uncertainty

and potential danger is requiring us to

adapt in ways that many of us

never imagined we would have to and the

ways in which

meeting of these experiences will help

to determine the longer term

consequences

of this time in our lives

so what stories are you telling yourself

right now

are you acting out of beliefs that lead

you to feel helpless

in the face of these circumstances or

beliefs that lead you to feel resilient

to act according to your values in the

face of these challenges

resilience broadly defined is the

psychological ability to bounce back

in the face of stress or adversity and

because the study of resilience

looks at the behaviors and

characteristics of people who have lived

through chronically stressful

circumstances

trauma and all different types of

adversity we know that the raw

ingredients that make up resilience are

available to all of us

and they don’t cost the thing as a

psychologist working with individuals

and communities looking to build greater

resilience

i have invested a lot of time and energy

into the question of what helps people

to thrive or to bounce back

in the face of unexpected difficult

circumstances

and now as a mother small business owner

and mental health provider living

through the relentless stress of

a pandemic i’m learning just how

intentional i actually have to be to

make use of what i’ve learned along the

way

when i’m tired to my bones and uncertain

about

my next move i find myself thinking a

lot

about how those i admire most would

respond under these circumstances

this is ultimately why i’m here today to

share with you some of the stories that

have given me hope

and refilled my own well at the point

that i really needed to dig deep to get

through this all with my sense of self

intact

i recently heard an interview with

esther perrell

in which she said stories are the

reservoirs of resilience passed from

generation

to generation this really

resonated with me so on this most recent

mother’s day weekend i spent

hours talking with one of the most

resilient people that i’ve ever known

my grandmother and i discovered in

talking to her

that after 96 years of resilient living

the conclusion she’s come to in her life

aligned beautifully with the research

and expert advice in my field

so this is my grandmother janet williams

she’s 96 years old

full of love and life a true matriarch

with plans to live past a hundred

my grandmother like most people her age

has lived through

a lot she was nine years old at the

height of the great depression

19 when she was forced to drop out of

college for the war effort

20 when her husband of six months was

deployed to serve in world war ii

the atomic bomb landed on her 21st

birthday

and she was actually there

the night that fdr died he’d been due

for dinner at her father’s home in warm

springs georgia and she sat with his

security detail as they pondered

what would come next for a highly

uncertain world

still at war when she was 25 years old

she lost her mother tragically in a car

accident

and just six months later her

sister-in-law who was her closest friend

in the world

died of an embolism shortly after giving

birth

three of my grandma’s four daughters had

been widowed prematurely

she lost her own husband in 2014 and now

she’s living in a world in which a trip

to the grocery store or a hug from a

great grandchild

could prove life-threatening to her

the road my grandmother has traveled has

been filled with

unexpected turns some of them deeply

painful

and yet she is so clearly still grateful

and happy for the life that she has

lived

when i spoke with her it was clear that

she believed she’s lived not just a good

life but a great

life and i found myself wondering how

was this possible

how is it possible that her story of

herself

of her life became so dominated by the

good stuff

even in the face of so much pain and

loss

and it’s clear that it’s because the

story of her life that she tells

includes so much more than just these

stories of suffering

in fact it sounds more like this she

told me how she was raised by two

loving parents whose love trust and

confidence in her

instilled in her from a young age a

trust and confidence in

herself how

she’s had a deep sense of faith and

connection to something much larger than

herself

from a young age yeah she lost her

mother when she was 25 but her mother

had lost her own mother when she was

only

five so my grandma told me when she

learned of her mother’s death she fell

to her knees

expecting to cry but instead found

herself

thanking god for the gift of having had

her mother for 25 years

she took great joy in raising her five

children and knows how lucky she is to

have been married to the love of her

life

for 70 years

if you ask my grandmother she’ll also

tell you that

with each loss in her life she gained

deeper clarity about what mattered most

perspective on the preciousness of life

itself

gratitude for what she did have in her

life and she will tell you that loving

relationships served as a

bedrock of hope and support and a

reminder

of what mattered most during her darkest

days

and it turns out she’s on to something

our relationships impact everything from

our health to our happiness to our

cognitive functioning as we age

we know that good relationships

are so critical to our well-being that

one of the very strongest predictors

of resilience for a child in the face of

trauma is the presence of a single

loving adult in the life of that child

think about that

one person just by showing up

for a child at the right time you could

be the difference

between long-term negative outcomes and

resilience for a child you love

it makes perfect sense think of what a

difference it makes on that unfamiliar

road to have friendly company in the

seat beside you

when times get hard we have to turn our

energy and attention

to what we’re living for not just what

we’re living

through prioritizing the things that

sustain us

helps us to bolster our strength and

our courage and to move forward in the

face of uncertainty

my grandma also believes that a parent’s

most important role

is raising children who have a clear

sense of value and purpose

she’s taught everyone in our family no

matter the circumstances

remember who you are and act according

to your values

in the absence of a roadmap our values

can serve as

a compass of sorts helping to clarify

how forward movement will look and

making sure we do not lose track of

ourselves as the path becomes uncertain

some of the most powerful work i’ve done

with clients has been based on this very

idea

helping them figure out how to name

their most deeply held values and to put

one foot in front of the other in

service of these values

even when fear accompanies us for the

journey

another lesson in resilience i learned

from my grandmother is to

hold your dreams close and to look for

and create beauty in the world around

you in whatever way speaks to you

my grandma had been forced to drop out

of college for world war ii but she

never let go of the dream of one day

becoming a professional

so when she was in her 60s having

finished raising her children

she decided to take up painting and she

finally became a professional

a professional artist showing her work

within galleries in

a few years of starting lessons i am

confident

that as the person still looking for

beauty all around her and reminding

all of us to look for beauty in our

world she would be the one making sure

none of us missed the beauty of the

sunset on this brave new road

once again we know from the field of

psychology the importance of this sort

of

initiative this active stance that she

has towards her life and the mindful

looking for the good

so the most resilient people have what’s

called an internal locus of control

essentially a belief

that they can impact their destinies by

playing an active role in their lives

and the most important actions that we

take are those in service of our values

we also know that when we really

practice looking for the good it trains

our minds to include these details

in the narratives of our lives to

essentially remember

the good with the bad and finally

it helps to remember that even when we

can’t control the circumstances

we still have the power to respond with

intention

and to assign meaning to this new

reality

even in the face of grief or trauma the

ways in which we process

and respond to our experiences have

profound

implications for our future well-being

the story we tell ourselves about our

ability to navigate this sudden turn

may in effect be the difference between

driving off the road and

becoming better drivers

so i think about this and i

reminded of a client that said to me

this is really really hard

and i need to remember that i can do

hard things

as we all face this pandemic adversity

pain grief and even trauma are

inevitable for many of us

these are not the whole story of this

chapter of our shared history

there is also unimaginable beauty

kindness generosity and courage

happening in all corners of the world

right now

at this very moment there is a nurse

sitting at the bedside

of her dying patient holding a phone up

to his ear to give his family the gift

of closure

there’s a small child hanging a sign in

his window

to thank the medical workers and other

essential workers

a teacher is dropping a meal off to a

student whose parents recently lost

their jobs

there are communities marching in the

streets

across america and now across the world

risking their own health and safety

to remind us that true

peace requires justice for all

there are parents all over the place

digging deep to build forts read books

snuggle scared children

and offer a bubble of security amidst

their own fears and grief right now

people being held up and held together

by others

all over the place not just in spite of

the current circumstances but

in direct response to them so how about

you

how will you continue happening to your

life under these circumstances

what does showing up guided by your

values

look like right now and what stories can

you lean on

for hope or

inspiration as you figure out how to

navigate the road ahead

as i work to answer these questions in

my own life i am so grateful for my

grandmother and the many other teachers

like

her whose stories serve as our

reservoirs of resilience

and remind us there is always beauty to

be found on the road ahead

as uncertain as that road may be thank

you