Navigating in Darkness Stories of Resilience
imagine you’re driving down a road
so familiar that you hardly have to pay
attention as you drive
you know this road well and it leads
where you plan to go
without warning traffic slows and then
stops
and everyone’s diverted onto a new road
this new road is unfamiliar
unfinished narrower and more treacherous
than the roads you’re used to navigating
there’s no off ramp no place to turn
around
and you realize you have no idea where
this new road leads
what do you do
if you can’t turn around you have to
figure out a way to move forward
so you slow down
put your energy and attention into
navigating this new road safely with no
way to know yet if you can still get
where you plan to go
or what will happen if you run out of
gas along the way
there are many moments in our lives
when the road we plan to travel is
suddenly unexpectedly
unavailable to us war breaks out
a pandemic strikes you lose someone you
love
experience the sting of rejection or
betrayal
struggle with feelings of grief anger
sadness shame
for human beings we know that struggle
is an inevitability it’s not a question
of whether we will suffer in this
lifetime
but when in what ways and most
importantly
how we will respond in these moments
this is the shadow side of all we love
and value in life we know
that love can turn to heartache or grief
hope to disappointment riches to rags
and life itself inevitably to death
so how do we live our lives in the words
of dostoyevsky
worthy of our sufferings
our responses to the unexpected turns of
life
depend very much on the stories we tell
ourselves about what these moments mean
for us
others and the world in the field of
psychology we call these deeply held
beliefs cognitive schemas
these are essentially the core beliefs
that filter our interpretations
of all of our life experiences so let’s
say for example i hold a cognitive
schema that
people are fundamentally selfish and
untrustworthy
if someone treats me with kindness i may
respond
by thinking they must want something
from me
instead of allowing myself to actually
experience that kindness
or to see it as evidence against my
belief in the selfishness of people
if on the other hand i go through life
with a belief that
people are doing the best they can with
what they have
i’m probably going to respond with grace
and compassion
even under really difficult
circumstances
we know that our beliefs are so
important the stories we tell ourselves
and others are so important that they
are at the heart
of our resilience as a species so
humans share with other animals the
primitive instinct to
fight flee or freeze in the face of
perceived threat
nothing special about that but it’s what
comes next that can really set us apart
the cognitive ability of human beings to
create and share stories
to make meaning of our experiences to
act
based on our values goals and
perceptions
this is what enables us to pivot to
adapt to ever-changing circumstances
and according to some historians it’s
really this unique
cognitive ability that’s put us at the
top of the food chain
it’s also worth noting in the current
context that this is the cognitive
ability that allows us to learn to see
differently
so that we can do better even in the
face of age-old challenges
as we all face the reality of this
pandemic the combination of uncertainty
and potential danger is requiring us to
adapt in ways that many of us
never imagined we would have to and the
ways in which
meeting of these experiences will help
to determine the longer term
consequences
of this time in our lives
so what stories are you telling yourself
right now
are you acting out of beliefs that lead
you to feel helpless
in the face of these circumstances or
beliefs that lead you to feel resilient
to act according to your values in the
face of these challenges
resilience broadly defined is the
psychological ability to bounce back
in the face of stress or adversity and
because the study of resilience
looks at the behaviors and
characteristics of people who have lived
through chronically stressful
circumstances
trauma and all different types of
adversity we know that the raw
ingredients that make up resilience are
available to all of us
and they don’t cost the thing as a
psychologist working with individuals
and communities looking to build greater
resilience
i have invested a lot of time and energy
into the question of what helps people
to thrive or to bounce back
in the face of unexpected difficult
circumstances
and now as a mother small business owner
and mental health provider living
through the relentless stress of
a pandemic i’m learning just how
intentional i actually have to be to
make use of what i’ve learned along the
way
when i’m tired to my bones and uncertain
about
my next move i find myself thinking a
lot
about how those i admire most would
respond under these circumstances
this is ultimately why i’m here today to
share with you some of the stories that
have given me hope
and refilled my own well at the point
that i really needed to dig deep to get
through this all with my sense of self
intact
i recently heard an interview with
esther perrell
in which she said stories are the
reservoirs of resilience passed from
generation
to generation this really
resonated with me so on this most recent
mother’s day weekend i spent
hours talking with one of the most
resilient people that i’ve ever known
my grandmother and i discovered in
talking to her
that after 96 years of resilient living
the conclusion she’s come to in her life
aligned beautifully with the research
and expert advice in my field
so this is my grandmother janet williams
she’s 96 years old
full of love and life a true matriarch
with plans to live past a hundred
my grandmother like most people her age
has lived through
a lot she was nine years old at the
height of the great depression
19 when she was forced to drop out of
college for the war effort
20 when her husband of six months was
deployed to serve in world war ii
the atomic bomb landed on her 21st
birthday
and she was actually there
the night that fdr died he’d been due
for dinner at her father’s home in warm
springs georgia and she sat with his
security detail as they pondered
what would come next for a highly
uncertain world
still at war when she was 25 years old
she lost her mother tragically in a car
accident
and just six months later her
sister-in-law who was her closest friend
in the world
died of an embolism shortly after giving
birth
three of my grandma’s four daughters had
been widowed prematurely
she lost her own husband in 2014 and now
she’s living in a world in which a trip
to the grocery store or a hug from a
great grandchild
could prove life-threatening to her
the road my grandmother has traveled has
been filled with
unexpected turns some of them deeply
painful
and yet she is so clearly still grateful
and happy for the life that she has
lived
when i spoke with her it was clear that
she believed she’s lived not just a good
life but a great
life and i found myself wondering how
was this possible
how is it possible that her story of
herself
of her life became so dominated by the
good stuff
even in the face of so much pain and
loss
and it’s clear that it’s because the
story of her life that she tells
includes so much more than just these
stories of suffering
in fact it sounds more like this she
told me how she was raised by two
loving parents whose love trust and
confidence in her
instilled in her from a young age a
trust and confidence in
herself how
she’s had a deep sense of faith and
connection to something much larger than
herself
from a young age yeah she lost her
mother when she was 25 but her mother
had lost her own mother when she was
only
five so my grandma told me when she
learned of her mother’s death she fell
to her knees
expecting to cry but instead found
herself
thanking god for the gift of having had
her mother for 25 years
she took great joy in raising her five
children and knows how lucky she is to
have been married to the love of her
life
for 70 years
if you ask my grandmother she’ll also
tell you that
with each loss in her life she gained
deeper clarity about what mattered most
perspective on the preciousness of life
itself
gratitude for what she did have in her
life and she will tell you that loving
relationships served as a
bedrock of hope and support and a
reminder
of what mattered most during her darkest
days
and it turns out she’s on to something
our relationships impact everything from
our health to our happiness to our
cognitive functioning as we age
we know that good relationships
are so critical to our well-being that
one of the very strongest predictors
of resilience for a child in the face of
trauma is the presence of a single
loving adult in the life of that child
think about that
one person just by showing up
for a child at the right time you could
be the difference
between long-term negative outcomes and
resilience for a child you love
it makes perfect sense think of what a
difference it makes on that unfamiliar
road to have friendly company in the
seat beside you
when times get hard we have to turn our
energy and attention
to what we’re living for not just what
we’re living
through prioritizing the things that
sustain us
helps us to bolster our strength and
our courage and to move forward in the
face of uncertainty
my grandma also believes that a parent’s
most important role
is raising children who have a clear
sense of value and purpose
she’s taught everyone in our family no
matter the circumstances
remember who you are and act according
to your values
in the absence of a roadmap our values
can serve as
a compass of sorts helping to clarify
how forward movement will look and
making sure we do not lose track of
ourselves as the path becomes uncertain
some of the most powerful work i’ve done
with clients has been based on this very
idea
helping them figure out how to name
their most deeply held values and to put
one foot in front of the other in
service of these values
even when fear accompanies us for the
journey
another lesson in resilience i learned
from my grandmother is to
hold your dreams close and to look for
and create beauty in the world around
you in whatever way speaks to you
my grandma had been forced to drop out
of college for world war ii but she
never let go of the dream of one day
becoming a professional
so when she was in her 60s having
finished raising her children
she decided to take up painting and she
finally became a professional
a professional artist showing her work
within galleries in
a few years of starting lessons i am
confident
that as the person still looking for
beauty all around her and reminding
all of us to look for beauty in our
world she would be the one making sure
none of us missed the beauty of the
sunset on this brave new road
once again we know from the field of
psychology the importance of this sort
of
initiative this active stance that she
has towards her life and the mindful
looking for the good
so the most resilient people have what’s
called an internal locus of control
essentially a belief
that they can impact their destinies by
playing an active role in their lives
and the most important actions that we
take are those in service of our values
we also know that when we really
practice looking for the good it trains
our minds to include these details
in the narratives of our lives to
essentially remember
the good with the bad and finally
it helps to remember that even when we
can’t control the circumstances
we still have the power to respond with
intention
and to assign meaning to this new
reality
even in the face of grief or trauma the
ways in which we process
and respond to our experiences have
profound
implications for our future well-being
the story we tell ourselves about our
ability to navigate this sudden turn
may in effect be the difference between
driving off the road and
becoming better drivers
so i think about this and i
reminded of a client that said to me
this is really really hard
and i need to remember that i can do
hard things
as we all face this pandemic adversity
pain grief and even trauma are
inevitable for many of us
these are not the whole story of this
chapter of our shared history
there is also unimaginable beauty
kindness generosity and courage
happening in all corners of the world
right now
at this very moment there is a nurse
sitting at the bedside
of her dying patient holding a phone up
to his ear to give his family the gift
of closure
there’s a small child hanging a sign in
his window
to thank the medical workers and other
essential workers
a teacher is dropping a meal off to a
student whose parents recently lost
their jobs
there are communities marching in the
streets
across america and now across the world
risking their own health and safety
to remind us that true
peace requires justice for all
there are parents all over the place
digging deep to build forts read books
snuggle scared children
and offer a bubble of security amidst
their own fears and grief right now
people being held up and held together
by others
all over the place not just in spite of
the current circumstances but
in direct response to them so how about
you
how will you continue happening to your
life under these circumstances
what does showing up guided by your
values
look like right now and what stories can
you lean on
for hope or
inspiration as you figure out how to
navigate the road ahead
as i work to answer these questions in
my own life i am so grateful for my
grandmother and the many other teachers
like
her whose stories serve as our
reservoirs of resilience
and remind us there is always beauty to
be found on the road ahead
as uncertain as that road may be thank
you