Be the REAL You Selfish or Not How to Become Your Best Self

[Music]

is it true

that being selfish is a bad thing

let’s look at the definition of selfish

to be concerned excessively or

exclusively with oneself

seeking or concentrating on one’s own

advantage

pleasure well-being without regard for

others how does that sound to you

let me tell your story so when i was a

child

i was constantly reminded not to be

selfish

and to think of others first i can

almost hear my parents and other

community members

say that putting yourself first

is for the most part wrong growing up in

a catholic home

the needs of others and to accept

everyone

for whom they were always came first

i really wanted to be that person the

one that made

every everyone happy and accepted

there’s nothing wrong with that right

i struggle with this message and i’ll

tell you why

we lived in a close-knit community i had

many friends

but there were also those girls

the ones who felt good making

fun of me the way i talk and the way i

walked

so i was about eight years old when i

shared this with my parents

and they told me not to pay any

attention to them

and just be nice beatrice

i was so confused how can i be nice to

them

when they’re not even being nice to me

and my little inner voice would say you

have to be the better person beatrice

this was the first time i felt

that my feelings didn’t matter i felt

sad

so i asked my parents again if they

cared about me

my feelings and they would quickly say

of course we do

but accepting others and everyone for

who they

are is very important

what i really heard that day was that i

didn’t matter

and if i chose me my feelings and how

they affected me

i was being selfish so i tried mending

my relationship

with those girls i chose to accept them

for who they were

no matter how mean they were being to me

but that didn’t go the way i hoped they

made fun of me they made fun of how

naive i was

and even slapped me around a couple of

times

for me that was very traumatic

it was an experience that affected my

innermost

sense of safety my core belief and my

reality were now distorted

this experience affected how i felt my

parent about my parents

their guidance and their expectations of

me

unbeknownst to my parents and other

community members

they were planting seeds of self-doubt

and shame so depending on your faith

culture values and environment

your beliefs will be shaped by those

around you

i remember telling myself that putting

my needs

in my safety first meant that i was

wrong

so this little story i was telling

myself kept growing

and deepening more and more as i grew

older

it made me feel different so much that i

i

isolated myself from others

thinking that i was not good enough i

kept telling myself that i just didn’t

fit in this world

i started to think that i was not

deserving of belonging

for me that early memory was the

beginning

of a distorted belief one that affected

my sense of self my sense of safety

cognitive behavior therapy says that if

we change the way we think

we can change the way we feel our

thoughts

whether conscience or unconscious create

feelings

and our feelings create behaviors

and our behavior affect how we interact

with others if we learn to focus

on our thoughts and how they make us

feel we become more present

more open and mindful of what drives our

behavior

it helps us understand more about

ourselves

it helps us ask questions such as where

did that belief come from

how come it’s making me feel this way

if we don’t stop and ask these questions

these thoughts

will automatically trigger old hurts

leaving us feeling trapped in a story

that no longer belongs to us

stories such as i’m not good enough

i am not wanted or i

am not loved

leaving us feeling insecure confused

and uncertain it leaves us

wounded these unhealthy thoughts and

feelings

lead us to become impulsive reactive

and out of control my distorted beliefs

created a negative coping mechanism

one that led me to believe that if i was

going to be who i wanted to be

i needed to be rebellious and aggressive

this belief created an extreme version

of myself

the i can do it all i appear fearless

strong and driven however

my reality was that i was feeling

trapped

in the book the body keeps the scores

dr bessel van der quark explains

trauma is not just an event that takes

place in the past

but an imprint left

by the experience

in our mind and body but mainly in our

bodies

trauma lives in our body and any

situation can trigger it

and intensify the feeling as if it was

happening right now

i was 19 years old when i found myself

in a toxic relationship where i relived

all of those all patterns leaving me

feeling unsafe and afraid

again this made me feel

helpless and powerless i was giving

everyone my power

and by doing that i allowed their

perception of me

to impact my reality

so one day feeling extremely vulnerable

and unhappy with the help of a family

member

i ended that relationship trauma

lived in my body and how i was going to

heal was up to me

it was time for me to embrace myself

love myself and feel safe

inside my body my quest

for becoming my best self and a bit

selfish

became my main priority

with the help of therapy i learned to

release my

fears through meditation and mindfulness

i took control of my life every time i

felt

triggered i learned to ask myself

what is it inside of me that is making

me

feel this way this provided a space for

me to reflect on my thoughts and

feelings and take the attention away

from others

and how they were making me feel

so instead of overreacting i focus on me

and i respond by responding

and not reacting i take control of my

life

and my power i no longer was that

wounded little girl who made up a story

about not deserving to be loved

i learned to leave the past behind me

and heal my inner child so that i can

feel

safe it was time for me

to rewrite my story and accept to me

for who i was selfish or not

i was going to do what made me happy

i chose me and i surrendered

i accepted me just the way i am

imperfectly perfect

when you read the definition of selfish

it has a negative connotation to it

however the reality is that when you

excessively and exclusively

focus on your well-being everyone

benefits

so i’m okay with being selfish because

when i

am true to myself i am facing my

inner child where my experiences have

helped me in the way i see the world

but it does not dictate who i am

i am now able to share my uniqueness

my own thoughts my own ideas

in my own experiences without fear

shame or guilt

so how do you rewrite your story

well it took me a long time to get here

but once you go through the process of

learning

about where your distorted beliefs come

from

taking responsibility for your actions

accepting yourself for who you are

choosing to live in the present

only then you can start rewriting your

story

so i want to challenge you to start

living

your truth seeing you

loving you and accepting

the real you because when you put

yourself first you choose your best

self the authentic you

the real you thank you