The Past Does Not Define Us

[Music]

so growing up

the kitchen was the heart of our family

gatherings we’d sit at the table and we

would watch my grandmother cook and

listen to her wisdom

she often said we’re going to the poor

house

i didn’t know where that was but it

sounded scary

and she said a lot of scary things that

made me wonder about

my future and was i going to be happy

so

where did she get her stories and

beliefs and she got them from my lineage

my great great grandmother was brought

to the u.s from indonesia as a slave

she was raped by the plantation owner

in macon georgia

and she became pregnant

with my great grandmother susie

whom she hated

and treated badly and susie had this bad

life i mean she had four children three

stillborn and then

she had

my grandmother mary

now my grandmother was a 4 foot 11

firecracker

she raised four kids by herself in the

south because she was a fighter

her three daughters

were

all challenged in life and her only son

was raised by a friend until she could

get her feet on the ground but then

everybody moved up north

and that’s where she started to break

the

cycle of being a victim

she got a job

she bought her own house she made sure

that all the kids got educated on some

level

and when she was in her late 40s she

went to nursing school and she became a

licensed practical nurse

she even made care packages for soldiers

now my mother

susan the second one from your left

she wanted a better life too but we were

on welfare

and

she

worked menial jobs

she had this thing she wouldn’t have

called it this but it was a mantra

become educated so it’s not a surprise i

went through two master’s degree

programs and my brother has a degree in

computer science

and given our family history it’s also

not surprising that we had this family

script of scare tactics

life is hard you have to fight if you

want to get anywhere you have to work

hard if you want to make it

make yourself invaluable because you’re

not safe you can’t trust anyone you’re a

negro in america so be quiet act like a

lady

and do not make any trouble

so you might have heard some things

similar to that growing up but i’m here

to tell you that your past does not

define you

everybody’s got a story with good news

and interesting news

but we all can rewrite the story if

that’s what we want to do but first you

have to know the truth of the story and

then you shift it

so i came on the planet with a lot of

energy and curiosity even though my

family was challenged

and i’m a creative

so i sang i made up stories i danced

and at 12 years old i’m looking at this

betty davis movie

and i’m struck that’s what i want to do

i want to act

it did not dawn on me

that betty davis wasn’t black

i just knew i wanted to shine

and i wanted to be more than the queen

of my church

and my grandmother saw me

she saw me she loved me she wanted to

to take care of me and she knew i wanted

to act so she took me to see plays where

i could see black people acting

and she became my biggest fan years

later

when i was an actress

so at age 30 i’m a working actress in

hollywood and i

i’m loving it but it’s hard

i have a lot of odd jobs i’m i’m taking

classes

second guessing myself insecure

wondering and doubting myself and

sometimes sabotaging myself

but eventually i get a job on a soap

opera

days of our lives

and

i

finally have enough money to go to

therapy

and that was a game changer for me

so in therapy

i learned three techniques to rewrite my

story create healthy neural pathways

examine and revise negative self-talk

and have self-care be a priority

so my therapist was non-traditional and

he taught me to look at at life from a

new perspective he introduced the

concept of neural pathways which made me

curious so i started reading everything

i could about neuroscience and i learned

that thinking habits behaviors

release positive and negative chemicals

that create neural pathways and when you

learn something new

your neurons communicate making a new

synaptic connection in your neocortex

your thinking brain

so the more positive you think the more

positive chemicals get released

like dopamine

serotonin they call them bliss hormones

and

a thought is nothing but energy and

information

so i decided i was going to change my

thoughts and my behaviors

i taught myself to sit down

to breathe

to scan my body and i journaled what was

happening in my body anytime i was upset

or

or negative

you know what was happening was my body

tight in my neck and my shoulders and my

stomach

and then i wrote down what kind of life

i wanted and i was really specific

if you don’t want to write you can

dictate into your phone it’s just as

effective

i also am visual

so i created a vision board that had

pictures and words and phrases

that mirrored my desire

i needed to look at something every

single day

that was going to make me

understand my intention

it didn’t happen overnight but

eventually

i began to see life with a new lens

so i’m sitting with my therapist

and

i hear myself with negative self-talk

and i realized i am reiterating the

kitchen wisdom from my childhood and i

needed to change it

so i got serious about my self-talk

because those old family phrases would

creep in

plus ones i had picked up along the way

so i needed an antidote

but the hard part was

catching myself in the middle of the

negative phrase and changing it

because i could hear my grandmother’s

voice

and her kitchen phrases and i needed to

counter it

be quiet

act like a lady don’t make no trouble

and i would say

i have a voice

i’m here to use it

you have to work hard to make it

no

life can be easy i’m smart and i’m

powerful you not safe

i am safe and i can protect myself you

can’t trust no one

i can trust myself

and i deserve to be successful

and i said those phrases every morning

every night throughout the entire day

and when negative things were coming i

would say no and i would bring in a

positive statement

you know you could sit at your kitchen

table

and think about phrases you heard as a

child and write

new

antidote affirmations

in the 1980s

black activist and poet audra lords

wrote a series of essays and journal

entries

about self-care and she said caring for

myself is not self-indulgence

it is self-preservation

so in all the generations of my family

the women left ill

overweight depressed

and they didn’t know how to take care of

themselves

they had heart challenges diabetes

paranoid behavior was prevalent

and at 50 i was 30 pounds heavier than i

am today

and i didn’t like where i was headed my

adrenals were shot from overwork and i

wasn’t motivated i didn’t know how to

take care of myself so i’m sitting in

this class and i hear this woman talk

about radical self-care and i think oh

that’s what i need

so that became

my focus

to love and honor myself and to make

self-care a priority

so i changed my

dietary habits i cleaned out the pantry

the refrigerator brought in healthy food

with the help of a nutritionist

i had to get serious about exercise

so i hired a trainer

i worked out three to four times a week

and then i had to quiet my mind

so i learned to meditate and i meditate

every morning

i also needed positive input

so i listened to

podcasts

and i listened to positive talks

i’m here to tell you

i’m living proof

that you can rewrite your story and

create the life of your dreams

no matter where you are or what you’ve

been through you have the power within

you

to create a new reality

and it’s never too late

so today

i sit at my kitchen table

and i honor my legacy i honor my history

but my children have new kitchen wisdom

they have learned

about

possibility tonight i encourage you to

sit at your table think about your

stories

think about

your antidotes think about your scripts

and what self-care could look like for

you

because this is what i know

that you can change your life at any

given moment

no story

no history

no past

can define anyone’s future

you get to choose

thank you