A Talk about Hope

when i was asked to do this talk

i thought what do i talk about what do i

want you

the audience to leave here with and

i landed on hor i want you to leave with

paul and it sounds a bit trite that but

hope’s important it’s

it’s part of our lives you know we we

hope that we will eat traffic on the way

home we hope that

our relatives will get better we hope

that our kids will grow up to be good

people

i hope that what balls this talk up um

and whenever we switch on our radio or

our tvs or we scroll through our socials

we’re bombarded with horror stories

we’re told there’s a

high probability that we’ll die if we

leave the house whether it’s by a

natural disaster a hate crime or worst

of all someone might

disagree with us on the internet um

and there’s no hope it’s all a bit

nihilistic you know what what message do

we want to send to our kids

to our young people um

see when we’re growing up we do we need

to be bombarded with negativity

we have enough to worry about don’t we

we worry about all sorts of things when

we’re growing up we worry about

some things that are tragic some things

that are trivial

some things that are quite profound you

know

i i used to worry about

what will i be when i grow up but i

wanted to be a wizard

um and funnily enough my son told me

that he wanted to be a dragon so

it’s nice to know that the the apple

doesn’t fall far from the tree

um what car will i drive people might

say ferrari or

a bentley but

i wanted to drive a ford scorpio and

because it sounded like scorpion and

scorpions are cool right i used to worry

about other things as well i used to

worry about

you know will i always be fat

will i always be ugly will i ever be any

good at rugby

will i ever fit in will i ever find my

place in the world

see as a kid i used to

i used to look like this um

a chubbier book too

much more ginger kid and i loved reading

i loved learning i loved fantasy stuff

you know dragons and magic and that made

me feel like a bit of a nerd

i loved history i loved generals and

kings and wars but

that made me feel like a bit of a geek i

liked boys too

and that made me feel like a freak a

weirdo

what was wrong with me was was everybody

thinking this and we weren’t talking

about it

or or was there something wrong with me

see i grew up in a town where

nobody was gay apparently gay people

were

like elton john and george michael

um and i was definitely not like them i

grew up in a

in a world where gay was a negative

don’t do that it’s gay being gay was

either a butt of a joke or it was a

cause for pity

and someone’s gayness was offensive

it wasn’t a badge of pride unfortunately

that world does still exist and i

grew up regularly hearing don’t be gay

so i tried my hardest not to be

tried to bury it tried to hide it ignore

it

um i blame my dad for it

see he was never around and i always

thought if he’d have been around then

maybe i wouldn’t have been gay

and then i started to think maybe he

knew that i was gay and that’s why he

left in the first place

i wanted so much to find a place to fit

in

and i did i found one by accident i was

playing out on the street one day and a

blue mini bus pulled off outside and a

guy wound the window down he said come

on get in

i thought this is the stranger my

mum’s been going on about

so i ran in the house and i said

she said all right it’s all right i

ended up getting in and

i went off it turned out it was a local

rugby coach and

he’d see me in the school playground for

he’s a big lad

and he’d surreptitiously recruited me

via my mum

so i went off to my first rugby session

i loved it the premise was catch the

ball

and run i couldn’t do either

um but i stuck with it and i got better

at it

and puberty was good to me you know

and he didn’t worry too much about being

fat and ugly because by the time i was

17

i was six foot four and i had a beard

that covered half of my face

now i’d like to tell you that at that

point i

came to terms with being gay i accepted

who i was i came out

and everything was fine

but that’s not what happened that’s not

what happened for a long time

see i was i was scared of letting people

down

i was scared of being a disappointment

there were no gay rugby players there

were no

i thought there were no gay people like

me

but wait a minute there’s no gay people

like me

so i can’t be gay goodbye worry hello

denial

over the years i’d be a bouncer a

builder

i worked as a poster i worked in a

factory

absolutely not gay and

i had a girlfriend at 19 and i was a dad

at 20.

i was in deep denial there

i thought that i wasn’t gay anymore or

if i was

it must be on its way out and

from the outside i had it all i had

a girlfriend family house promising

rugby career

but on the inside there was a constant

battle going on in my head

who i thought i was supposed to be

versus who i actually was

and as i got into a day-to-day routine i

became more trapped and scared

trapped in a life that i should be happy

with scared that a part of me

that i tried to bury down so deep would

be uncovered

and when the inside of your head is a

battlefield it’s only a matter of time

before it spills onto the outside

so i worked more i trained more i went

out more

i drank i did anything not to have to

spend time in my own head

i wasn’t a good father i wasn’t a good

boyfriend

i wasn’t a good person but what were my

options

tell people that i was gay i couldn’t

have made it to myself

so how could i tell another person talk

to someone about it

talk to someone about what i i didn’t

know what was going on i didn’t want to

know what was going on

i couldn’t live with it and i couldn’t

carry on as things were that’s for sure

so i was

i didn’t like myself i was really

self-loving

i didn’t like the person who who looked

back at look back at me in the mirror

so i came to the conclusion that i would

take my own life

people are better off about me people

wouldn’t have to put with my

i wouldn’t have to put in my

but i remember seeing my little girl and

she was so small and i was so big

and she needed me how could i leave her

i didn’t want her to feel like i felt

that dad didn’t love her

that something was her fault so

i buried my thoughts and my feelings and

i resounded to

be better now

i buried him so deep that i got married

and had another kid

and people probably ask you why would

you get married if you thought you might

be gay

and the only answer i can give to that

is i didn’t want to be gay

um i

a part of me that i willed it and hoped

and prayed that it would change but it’s

a part of me that can’t change

and it’s something that you know i’ll

always have to live with and that i

always be sorry for

by 24 we were married had two kids two

dogs

rebuilt a house from the inside out and

rugby were going pretty well too i’d

played in a couple of championship grand

finals

and i’ve become captain of my hometown

club which as you can see i was pretty

chuffed about

um and that’s not a bad achievement for

a fat kid who as one fan once eloquently

put it

couldn’t run through a saloon door

i met some amazing people friends for

life

and i also met some fantastically

ridiculous characters as well

rugby league is full of them

my head and my hands were full for a

while but as things settled down the

same old battle came back

who you think you should be versus who

you really

are ding ding round two

i didn’t do well the first time and i

did even worse the second time

i felt like there was a a huge hole in

my soul

and i tried to fill it i tried to fill

it with work with training

with booze with drugs it didn’t work

maybe this time i’d actually have the

balls to address it

to talk about it to think about it

and and again i thought about suicide

a long drive a secluded spot

a horse pipe

but then my family had never known

why i’d done what i’d done they’d think

it was their fault they’d think

that they could have done something

it was it was nobody’s fault

the only thing they’d done wrong was put

up with my

and i remember seeing my kids faces and

you know thinking how could i think

about leaving them

there’s no doubt in my mind that my kids

saved me from myself

i got into a nasty cycle of going out

getting into a state

beating myself up feeling guilty round

and round it went

and not saw merry-go-round of

depression and suicidal thoughts

eventually it came to a head and my

marriage came to an end and with that

came some time

some reflection some realization

and eventually acceptance now it was

hard to

think about it it was even harder to say

it out loud

the words would literally stick in my

throat i’m

but having it all sorted out in my own

head was

liberating and joyful and devastating

and terrifying

all at the same time and now that i knew

other people needed to know too and

the first person i told would be my wife

and that was the hardest conversation

i’ve ever had to have

next i’d tell my mum and

i wanted my mum to ask if i was okay

i wanted to ask how i was feeling ask

what she could do to help

i wanted to tell her that she loved me

to hug me to tell her she was proud of

me

but she didn’t she said he’s six foot

four how can he be gay

which sounds ridiculous now but you know

funnily enough for

the longest time i’d thought that myself

she told me she was disappointed and we

didn’t

speak for five years i was worried that

we’d never speak again

my sister was brilliant but i started to

fault her at this point

maybe i’d done the wrong wrong thing and

then a couple of rugby lads asked me

they said

some of these rumors about you being gay

true

i thought what do i do do i do i take it

all back do i

deny it do i crawl under a rock and

pretend it’s

a bad dream but i didn’t and i told them

and the reaction was not what i expected

my best friend cried and

as he wept and he hugged me he said i’m

sorry you’ve had to go through this on

your own

i’m sorry that i couldn’t be there to

help you but we can now

we all can and then i had to tell my

coach and

i was genuinely fretful about what was

going to happen about my future

but i needn’t be he said

keegan your rugby league player i’ll

they don’t matter to me if you’re gay

a few weeks later

it became front page news now

i used to worry about being a bad father

a bad example

a bad man but now i’m 100 times the

father 100 times the man that i ever was

before so when it came out

as front page news i got a phone call

from

sir elton john i remember the guy who i

said i was nothing like

and i never did get to become a wizard

but i did get to become friends who won

i remember how i used to worry about

being fat and ugly

well somehow i ended up on the front

cover of a magazine

and i even did a bit of modelling too

and and as a kid

i’m worried about being good at rugby

well

i went on to play the best rugby in my

career

signed for wakefield played super league

did a decent job as well

remember all worried about fitting in

well

i’ve shared my experience with hundreds

of people with schools charities

businesses

even set up my own business to help

people find their confidence and their

place in the world

i’ve even done a ted talk

and worrying about not speaking to my

mum again well

we’re speaking now we’ve laughed and

cried and apologized and

people can and do change and as i say to

my kids

everything is fixable

and you might remember that as a kid i

used to worry about

finding my place in the world well

me and the kids met andy and peter who

who taught us that family has nothing to

do with blood

and it’s everything to do with

unconditional love and we have it by the

boat lord

i learned that uh to love and to be

loved is to

is to feel the sun on both sides and if

it wasn’t for them i wouldn’t be the

man i am today standing in front of you

talking about this

i used to worry that i wasn’t a good man

i used to worry that i wasn’t a good

father

and i used to worry that i’d never be

proud of who i am

but i’m a rugby player i’m a father

i’m a friend i’m a gay man

and i’m proud of who and what i am

now i hope that me wittering honors

giving you some hope and you realize

that

no matter how dark things may seem

there’s always some light no matter how

stormy the skies may be

eventually it will blow over

the world is full of light and love and

happiness but

sometimes you have to go looking for it

sometimes it’s not where

we’re told it should be and sometimes we

have to wait for it

but it is there

if you’ve ever wondered who you are

know that whoever that is you are loved

even when you don’t feel it you are

loved whoever you are

wherever you are and if you have or

ever have felt like you don’t belong

know that there’s a place that you do it

might not be where you

expect it to be it might not be where

people tell you it should be

it might not be an actual place it might

be with friends you haven’t met yet

in a place you haven’t been yet it might

be a feeling you haven’t experienced yet

but it is out there and you will find it

you just got to have hope

you