The myth of the gay agenda LZ Granderson

when I was about 16 years old I can

remember flipping through channels at

home during summer vacation looking for

a movie to watch on HBO and how many of

you remember Ferris Bueller’s Day Off oh

yeah great movie right well I saw a

Matthew Broderick on a screen and so I

thought sweet Ferris Bueller I’ll watch

this it wasn’t Ferris Bueller and

forgive me Matthew Broderick I know

you’ve done other movies besides Ferris

Bueller but that’s how I remember your

fares but you weren’t doing pharisee

things at the time you were doing gay

things at the time he was in a movie

called torch song trilogy and torch song

trilogy was based on a play about this

drag queen who essentially was looking

for love love or respect that’s what the

whole film was about and as I’m watching

I’m realizing that they’re talking about

me not the drag queen part I’m not

shaking my hair for anyone but the gay

part the finding love and respect the

part about trying to find your place in

the world

so as I’m watching this I see this

powerful scene that brought me to tears

and it stuck with me for the past 25

years and it’s this quote that the main

character Arnold tells his mother as

they’re fighting about who he is and the

life that he lives there’s one thing

more there’s just one more thing you

better understand I’ve taught myself to

so cook fix plumbing build furniture I

can even pet myself in a back when

necessary also I don’t have to ask

anyone for anything there’s nothing I

need from anyone except for love and

respect anyone who can’t give me those

two things has no place in my life I

remember that scene like he was

yesterday I was 16 I was in tears I was

in the closet and I’m listening I’m

looking at these two people Ferris

Bueller and some guy I’ve never seen

before

fighting for love when I finally got to

a place in my life where I came out and

accepted who I was and was really quite

happy to tell you the truth I was

happily gay and I guess that’s supposed

to be right because gay means happy too

I realized that a lot of people weren’t

as gay as I was gay being happy that gay

being attractive so same-sex in fact I

heard that there was a lot of hate and a

lot of anger and a lot of frustration

and a lot of fear about who I was and

the gay lifestyle now I’m sitting here

trying to figure out the gay lifestyle

the gay lifestyle and I keep hearing

this word over and over and over again

lifestyle lifestyle lifestyle I’ve even

heard politicians say that the gay

lifestyle is a greater threat to

civilization than terrorism that’s when

I got scared

because I’m thinking if I’m gay and I’m

doing something that’s gonna destroy

civilization I need to figure out what

this stuff is my need to stop doing it

right now

so I took a look at my life a hard look

at my life and I saw some things very

disturbing and I want to begin sharing

these evil things that I’ve been doing

with you

starting with my mornings I drink coffee

not only do I drink coffee I know other

gay people who drink coffee I get stuck

in traffic evil evil traffic sometimes I

get stuck in lines at airports I look

around I go my god look at all these gay

people we’re all trapped in these lines

these long lines trying to get in the

airplane my god this lifestyle that I’m

living is so freakin evil I clean up

this is not an actual photograph of my

son’s room

here’s his Messier

and because I have a 15 year old all I

do is cook and cook and cook any parents

out there of teenagers all we do is cook

for these people they eat two three four

dinners a night is ridiculous this is

the gay lifestyle and after I’m done

cooking and cleaning in and standing in

line and getting stuck in traffic My

partner and I we get together and we

decide are we gonna go and have some

wild and crazy fun we’re usually in bed

before we find out who’s eliminated on

American Idol we have to wake up and

find out the next day who’s still on

because we’re too freaking tired to hear

who stays on this is the super duper

evil gay lifestyle run for your

heterosexual eyes people

when my partner Steve and I first

started dating he told me the story

about penguins and I didn’t know where

he was going with it at first he was

kind of a little bit nervous when he was

sharing it with me but he told me that

when a penguin finds a mate that they

want to spend the rest of their life

with they present them with the pebble

the perfect pebble and then he reaches

into his pocket and he brings this out

to me and I’ve looked at it and I was

like this is really cool and he says I

want to spend the rest of my life with

you so I wear this whenever I have to do

something that makes me look nervous

like I don’t know a TEDx talk

I wear this when I am apart from him for

a long period of time and sometimes I

just wear it just because how many

people out there aren’t in love anyone

in love out there you might be gay

because I too am in love and apparently

that’s part of their gay lifestyle I

warned you about

you may want to tell your spouse who if

they’re in love might be gives well how

many of you are single and you single

people out there you too might be gay

because I know some gay people who are

also single it’s really scary this gay

lifestyle thing it’s SuperDuper evil and

there’s no end to it

it goes and goes and engulfs it’s really

quite silly isn’t it that’s why I’m so

happy to finally hear President Obama

come out and say that he supports

nahee supports marriage equality it’s a

wonderful day in our country’s history

is a wonderful day in the globe’s

history to be able to have an actual

sitting president say enough of this

first to himself and then to the rest of

the world it’s wonderful but there’s

something that’s been disturbing me

since he made that remark just a short

time ago and that is apparently this is

just another move by the gay activist

that’s on the gay agenda and I’m

disturbed by this because I’ve been

openly gay now for quite some time I’ve

been to all of the functions I’ve been

to fundraisers I’ve written about the

topic and I have yet to receive my copy

of this gay agenda I pay my dues on time

I’ve marched in gay pride Flags parades

and the whole nine and I have yet to see

a copy of the gay agenda it was very

very frustrating I was feeling left out

like I wasn’t quite gay enough but then

something wonderful happened I was out

shopping as I tend to do and I came

across a bootleg copy of the official

gay agenda and I said to myself LZ for

so long you have been denied this when

you get in front of this crowd you’re

gonna share the news you’re gonna spread

the gay agenda so no one else has to

wonder what exactly is in the gay agenda

what are these gays up to what do they

want

so without further ado I will present to

you ladies and gentlemen and be careful

because there’s evil a copy the official

copy of the gay agenda

the people there it is they just soak it

all in the gay agenda some of you maybe

call it the Constitution United States

is that what you call it to the US

Constitution is the gay agenda these

days people like me want to be treated

like full citizens and it’s all written

down

in plain sight I was blown away when I

saw it I was like wait this is the gay

agenda why don’t you just call the

Constitution so I knew you were talking

about I wouldn’t have been so confused I

wouldn’t been so upset but there it is

the gay agenda run for your heterosexual

lives did you know that in all the

states where there is no shading that

people who are gay lesbian bisexual

transgender can be kicked out of their

apartments for being gay lesbian

bisexual transgendered that’s the only

reason that a landlord needs to have

them removed because there is no

protection from discrimination of GLBT

people did you know in the states where

there is no shading that you can be

fired for being gay lesbian bisexual or

transgendered not based upon the quality

of your work how long you’ve been there

if you think just if you’re gay lesbian

bisexual or transgendered all of which

flies in the face of the gay agenda also

known as the US Constitution

specifically this little amendment right

here no State shall make or enforce any

law which shall abridge the privileges

or immunities of citizens

the United States I’m looking at your

North Carolina but you’re not looking at

the US Constitution this is the gay

agenda equality not special rights but

the rights are already written by these

people these elitist if you will

educated well dressed

some would daresay questionably dressed

nonetheless our forefathers right the

people that we say knew what they were

doing when they wrote the constitution

of the gay agenda if you will all that

flies in the face of what they did that

is the reason why I felt it was

imperative that I presented you with

this copy of the gay agenda because I

figured if I made it funny you wouldn’t

be as threatened I figured if I was a

bit irreverent you wouldn’t find it

serious but when you see the map and you

see our state of Michigan it’s legal to

fire someone for being gay lesbian

bisexual transgendered that is legal to

remove someone from their home because

they are gay lesbian bisexual

transgendered but you’ve realized that

this whole conversation about marriage

equality

it’s not about stripping someone’s

rights away it’s about granting them the

rights that are already been stated and

we’re just trying to walk in those

rights that have already been stated

that we’ve already agreed upon there are

people living in fear of losing their

jobs so they don’t show anyone who they

really are right here at home

this isn’t just about North Carolina all

of those states that were clear it’s

legal if I could brag for a second I

have a fifteen-year-old son from my

marriage he has a 4.0 he is starting a

new club at school policy debate

he’s a budding track star he has almost

every single record in middle school for

every event that he competed in he

volunteers he prays before he eats I

would like to think as his father and he

lives with me primarily that I had a

little something to do with all of that

I would like to think that he’s a good

boy a respectful young man I like to

think that I’ve proven to be a capable

father but if I were to go to the state

of Michigan today and try to adopt a

young person who is in an orphanage I

will be disqualified for only one reason

because I’m gay doesn’t matter what I’ve

already proven what I can do with my

heart it’s because of what the state of

Michigan says that I am that I am

disqualified for any sort of adoption

and that’s not just about me that’s

about so many other Michiganders US

citizens who don’t understand why what

they are is so much more significant

than who they are this story just keeps

playing over and over and over again in

our country’s history there was a time

in which I don’t know people who were

black couldn’t have the same rights

people who happen to be women didn’t

have the same rights couldn’t vote there

was a point in our history in which if

you were considered disabled that an

employer could just fire you before the

Americans with Disabilities Act we keep

doing this over and over again and so

here we are two thousand twelve gauge

and

gay lifestyle and I’m not a good dad and

people don’t deserve to be able to

protect their families because of what

they are not who they are so when you

hear the words gay lifestyle and gay

agenda in the future I encourage you to

do two things one remember the US

Constitution and then two if you

wouldn’t mind looking to your left

please look to your right that person

next to you is a brother as a sister and

they should be treated with love and

respect

thank you

you