Fashion Policing The Double Standards Of Gender Expression

hello

no i didn’t get dressed up especially

for this occasion

this is just my monday ball gown

i wear it because of how it makes me

feel

when i first started dressing up for

everyday outings i didn’t expect the

amount of interaction that my outfits

would prompt from strangers

the number one question that i get asked

is are you going to a wedding

followed by you look wonderful i get

lots of nods

smiles waves sometimes even car honks

when i walk around

looking as i do i dress this way

for myself but sometimes people tell me

that it makes them feel happy too

as i began to notice and explore the

reactions that other people had to my

outfits

i came to realize that fashion is a type

of visual language

the clothing that we wear tells the

world how we want to be seen

this works for me i guess i want to be

seen as an eccentric attention seeker

but it also works for children

particularly

trans children we live in a gendered

society at the moment

with everything from clothes to toys

being heavily segregated by gender

gender is something that we all have and

we all identify with

but it’s also something that for most of

us is given to us by someone else

i’d like to ask you all a question how

old were you

when you first realized what gender you

were

how we know what gender we are isn’t a

question that’s asked much

but what most of us are very certain of

is how we want the world to experience

us and our gender some people

even get offended if they’re mistaken

for being the wrong gender

even if it’s something that we don’t

think about much as

adults we know the importance of being

seen as our preferred gender

children are no different they want to

fit in

and they want to be experienced by the

world in an authentic way

if you’re a child who is trans and

you’re four or five

it makes sense that you want the world

to see you as you see you

children of this age don’t have the

nuance of language to express their

transness

in subtle ways so they do so through

their

appearance

when my daughter first told me aged five

that she wasn’t the boy i thought she

was but she was in fact a girl

the first thing she asked for was a

dress

at the time i didn’t think much of her

announcement

i i told her yeah no problem we can get

you a dress

her eyes lit up now she asked

it was night time and the shops were

closed i had a floral sheet at the house

that i cut up and i hand sewed her a

dress

it took me four hours to make i’m not a

very good sewer

but i did it because i could see how

much it meant to her

when she put that dress on her shoulders

dropped

she looked at ease comfortable and

content

she looked different she asked if she

could grow her hair

and she chose a new name for herself a

girl name

by doing these things my daughter wasn’t

trying to reinforce gendered stereotypes

about femininity or how girls should

look

she was just using the coded language of

fashion that already exists

what was most important to her was that

the world saw her

as she saw herself

knowing how important it was to my

daughter that she be seen as a girl

each time we went out in public i was on

tenterhooks

one day in a charity shop my daughter

saw a dress that she liked on the rack

and she pulled it out

and held it against herself the man in

the shop

looked her up and down and laughed

rudely

her face crumpled she put the dress back

and she asked if we could leave

my little girl was crushed

she stood outside the shop crying

i was livid

a grown man making fun of a small

child and her obvious joy in a dress

why did he think he could treat her this

way was it because he thought that she

was a boy

and that boys shouldn’t wear dresses up

until 100 years ago

boys wearing dresses was the norm

when we think of gendered stereotypes

like pink for girls and blue for boys

we often make the mistake of thinking

that these ideas are ancient

when around 100 years ago blue was

considered a feminine color

and pink manly and strong

my daughter was just trying to get the

world to see her as a girl

because of everything she had

experienced in our society

in her head pink and dresses meant girl

so she chose to use this language of

clothing to tell the world

how to treat her the only problem is

in those early days before she grew her

hair

she often didn’t get the response she

hoped for

while my outlandish outfits

were provoking delight in strangers

my small child wearing dresses

was provoking cruel comments mean

laughter

and rude stairs

going out with my daughter forced me to

become hyper aware of the expectations

that other people have around gender and

appearance

i came face to face with my own

cisgender privilege

cisgender or cis is the name given for

people who identify with the gender that

other people

assign them at birth i am a cisgender

person

being cis carries a lot of privilege

like when i go out

i just put on a dress that makes me feel

good

i’ve never felt terrified putting on a

dress

wondering if i will pass enough not to

be abused

beaten or in some cases killed

for trans women wearing a dress

can be a matter of life and death

the stakes for trans people particularly

trans women and girls

are so much higher than they are for

assessed people

it’s a really frightening thing

being the parent of a trans child the

world can be a very

unfriendly place when you’re trans a

2016 study by the university of

greenwich

found that 83 percent of trans youth in

england

had experienced verbal abuse and more

than a third

had experienced physical assault

and why why are trans people treated

so badly by society

in my daughter’s case it seemed to be

because

people saw her as a boy wearing girl’s

clothing

and they felt this justified being

openly mean to her

and this this is a bit that i really

struggle with

i mean i get that each of us places

importance on our own gender identity

but i do not understand why we feel the

need

for others to perform gender in certain

ways for us

i find it startling the people

care more about being able to publicly

express their displeasure

than they care for the feelings of a

five-year-old child

there is no guidebook on how to raise a

child who is trans

who estimate that there are 25 million

trans people in the world

all of them were children at some point

some still are and yet there is very

little information

about trans children or how to parent

them

we do know from research on trans kids

that children who are supported in their

gender identity have better outcomes

a 2020 study published in the journal of

counseling psychology

found that parents who do not support

their child’s gender identity

contribute to a range of adverse issues

from depression to suicidal ideation

while supportive parental behavior

increases trans children’s well-being

luckily

for most of us loving and supporting our

children

is not a big ask i’m now

several years into knowingly parenting a

trans child

and i’ve noticed something interesting

once my daughter grew her hair longer

and was accepted by her peers as a girl

she suddenly stopped wanting to wear

pink and dresses all the time

it was almost as if after being accepted

in her gender identity

she could relax out of performing

girlness

and embrace her own sense of style

one that was as unique as she is

clothing is a language of expression

and being brave enough to express

yourself in public

is an act of incredible vulnerability

so i’m going to leave you with a request

the next time that you’re out in public

and you see someone who is wearing

something that you find strange or

different

please think of my daughter and consider

taking a moment

to honor that beautiful demonstration of

self-expression

and vulnerability thank you

you