Alopecia Sprouts Growth

[Music]

i don’t know when it became normal

to try to look like everyone else

to change what we already possess inside

of us

to something foreign to our own beauty

and to allow someone else’s word to tell

us

what beautiful looks like

looking in the mirror changes as we all

grow up there are more things we notice

and things that change that we don’t

have control over

this truth of aging and beauty fading is

scary to so many

myself included in my case

this change didn’t just come with older

age

it came with the trigger of an

autoimmune gene that caused my hair to

fall out

in its entirety within three

months to give you some context

before high school i was comfortable in

my own skin

i looked in the mirror with an

unquestioned confidence

which may or may not have been because

of all the praise i received from my

loved ones growing up

i was the golden child

i kept my hair long because in my

household lengthy and smooth hair

was a strong sign of health and beauty

i saw my hair as my golden ticket it

meant a lot to me

it was the key to my beauty and so did

many others who thought

the same before they commented on it my

whole entire life

but the love and gratitude i had for my

hair

did not help me from losing it

as i was entering my first year of high

school

and losing my hair my confidence level

dropped to an all-time low

just two weeks into school my mom combed

my hair

and in that day’s combing and the next

day

and the day after that we noticed the

amount of hair that slipped out with the

brush

to be roughly the size of a softball

this continued every single day after

that

a visit to my dermatologist a skin and

hair doctor

allowed for a moment of calm before the

storm for we were told

there was no need to worry it was like a

cat losing hair

she promised us without a doubt that i

was not going to go bald

and that it would stop within a week or

two

yeah so she was wrong soon

my thick hair had spots that were small

enough to be covered

by my ponytail and then a simple

headband covered what was missing from

the front

and finally when my sculpt was covered

by a headband

half the size of my head

and my ponytail was less than the width

of a pencil

i felt out of options and alien in my

own skin

waiting for a custom wig would take at

least two weeks time

time that i did not have

my mom’s creativity spared me the need

to accept my fate

and block the world to see me as i was

with her iron will she pulled for a

solution

headbands with extensions sewn into it

this talk about hair may have you

wondering

why is hair so influential if you were

to imagine yourself with hair loss

how would it change the way you perceive

yourself

many may say that it is worse for me

because i am a female

and in many ways it is because society

has a harder time accepting a bald

female

than a bald male however

a male without eyebrows and eyelashes

can surely raise some eyebrows on his

appearance

just as a female would and when your

eyelashes aren’t there to catch

particles that fall into your eyes

well it can be so annoying

i was diagnosed with alopecia

universalis

which simply put is an autoimmune

condition where your own

immune system attacks every single hair

follicle

on your body for me it started with my

scalp

then my eyebrows and eyelashes and the

rest followed suit

it was not painful physically but

emotionally destructive

my first priority after being diagnosed

was to remain the golden child

not only at home but at the societal

level

i believe society would feel most

comfortable with me

if i were to cover up my condition and

this seemed doable because

my mom and i believed that my hair would

grow back to its full glory

before i left high school

it couldn’t be permanent no

i wouldn’t have that it has to grow back

it will grow back

this was the inner dialogue of both my

mom and i

what made the weekly doctor visits the

prescriptions with

too many horrible side effects to count

the impossible food cleanses

and the awful chemical that burned my

scalp

bearable

but with every attempt i made to cover

up my condition

i was unconsciously telling myself

that it would be catastrophic for the

world to see what i’ve become

when i looked in the mirror the

lightness of seeing myself was no longer

there

i honestly feared that i would never

find joy in my appearance again

so i tried avoiding seeing myself in a

mirror

and for that entire year and most of the

next

i barely took photos of myself

because i didn’t feel pretty

or worth photographing

i did not want the memory of this dark

period

and it was scary enough to be in high

school

and go through the natural changes that

a female’s body goes through

but the added stress of going through

something that no

other girl or boy was going through made

me feel like a freak

my confidence level was so low and

destroyed that

i just turned down my personality and

became reserved

i did my best to keep everyone on my

good side

i did favors for them when they asked

and

i just tried to be a good community

member overall

yet the question always remained

would i be loved treated

or cared for if i took off my wig

perhaps it remained because the few who

knew of my condition

looked at me with pity not like i was

meja

the golden girl with an inner strength

to hold herself together

for all her hardships

and with the doctors questioning if i

was still going to school

well that just made me feel like i don’t

belong in

normal society

but these thoughts and emotions were

only entertaining for so long

i felt an inner awakening coming

and i was ready for this fresh chapter i

started to question what the point of

putting myself through physically

painful treatments was

if my own illness wasn’t causing that

pain itself

i soon realized that the burden

of abandoning who i am

was too heavy to carry any longer

i no longer dealt with the thoughts of

the immense

pressure of trying to fit in

as soon as i accepted i am beautiful

in my own individual way

i was looking and living the healthiest

life i have

ever lived because of my adopted diet

of radiating self-love

funny enough my hair started coming back

it started to come back when i

was able to connect to who i am and let

go of what could have been

and what had been

i perceived alopecia universalis

as the monster which deprived me of a

normal life

but in reality it was myself

with the beliefs of others put in my

head that from a young age

what makes a girl beautiful

is her hair

instead alopecia has shown a light

on the beauty standards that have taken

control over my life

and showed me to stop from following

what everyone else

had planned for me it allowed me to walk

down

a road of self-connectivity trust and

love

that would never have been open to me

without this condition

i journeyed into a more fulfilling and

deeper

process of finding who i am and who i

choose to be

although it has been and continues to be

a journey with steps taken both forwards

and backwards i continue to walk it

because i can see and i know

that i am worthy of my own self-love

no matter what i look like now

in the future or the past

today i no longer need

the weight of hiding behind a wig

today i can say thank you to myself

for holding myself up all this time

and allowing myself to do the work

in trusting who i am becoming

i started with how i talked to myself

when i was standing in front of a mirror

i looked in the mirror instead with

pride

and happiness and i pointed out all the

things that i

truly cherish about me

i urge you to try this yourselves

look in the mirror with a smile that

reaches your eyes

and say something about yourself that

you are proud of

lift yourself up keep your head held

high

and never forget the undeniable truth

that you are always always worthy

of your own love

i am mayhes and thank you

for allowing me to share