The coexistence of pain and growth

[Music]

[Applause]

hello everyone

um my understanding of the age

wisdom of yin and yang is that

it is about the coexistence

of seemingly opposing forces

such as day and night light

and dark loud and quiet

shallow and deep warm

and cold and even life and death

based on this understanding i would say

my most recent moment of yin and yang

was the very moment that i was invited

to give this ted talk

indeed about yin and yang um consistent

with the yin and yang definition

i experienced the coexistence of

two seemingly opposing emotions

excitement and terror

so i would be honest and say that all of

you in the audience are

both my source of excitement and also my

source of terror

and that is because i would like to make

sure that i do a good job by you

so today i’d like to talk with you

about what i see as another important

way

that humans can experience as

important yin and yang moment

and that is the coexistence of

emotional pain and emotional growth

in the face of trauma

and the possibility of embracing them

both

where meaningful life transformation can

take place

so this is not a talk about how to not

be affected by your trauma

on the contrary it is a story

about people who are quite affected by

that trauma

struggling to survive it struggling

to make sense of it and as a result

of that struggle a new life

narrative emerges something that is

academically called post-traumatic

growth

as a clinical psychologist i have been

quite fortunate

and honored to have witnessed such

personal transformations quite regularly

both in my clinical practice and in my

research work

i have had opportunities to work with

many trauma survivors

and from all walks of life and from

different

cultural backgrounds and also with

different types of trauma

i worked with an individual who

became paralyzed from the waist down

due to a work-related accident

that suddenly turned his life upside

down

i have interviewed people who lost

their loved ones their homes and their

belongings

to a natural disaster

i have worked with women

who were rescued from extreme abuse

and assault by their human figures

i have also worked with adolescents as

young as pre-teens

who were bullied and rejected by their

peers

simply because they were perceived as

somehow different

spanning across different types of

trauma

and tragedy across various voices and

stories

what i have observed as some of the

common themes

include excruciating emotional pain

feeling a complete loss of control

feeling a complete overhaul of what they

have believed

to be true in their lives

one patient of mine described it quite

vividly

as her mind and her whole body being

in this emotional storm with no end in

sight

however over time something else

also emerges something that sounds like

a new life narrative of positive changes

and growth after such trauma

research on post-traumatic growth has

suggested that

it is not about the type of trauma

that can facilitate the process of

growth

what event is traumatic is quite

personal to the person

experiencing it rather

one main element in such event

is that the event got them to deeply

challenge

and question their core beliefs and core

values

about who they are about how they have

lived their lives

and about the world around them and a

lot of these beliefs

have gone un examined and unchallenged

for a long time before the traumatic

event

it is also not about any characteristics

of trauma survivors that make growth

happen

so i think it is safe to say that

everyone can experience growth after

trauma

research has suggested that

the process of growth after trauma can

manifest

in changes in trauma survivors

in one or more of these five ways

one how some people start to view

themselves

as stronger than they thought they were

for getting through such

trauma two how some people

begin to cherish their interpersonal

relationships more

and begin to feel closer to people

around them

three how some people start to see new

possibilities

in life that they may not have seen

before

the trauma four

how some people start to experience

enhanced

appreciation for life some people

with a near-death experience describe it

as being given a second chance at living

and being given the opportunity

to re-prioritize important things in

their lives

and start to not take things for granted

and five how some people describe it

as a deeper connection with their

spirituality

which may or may not include religion

a deeper connection with spirituality

can lead to

an increased empathy for people

in general both people that we know and

people that we don’t know

culture has a lot to do with how people

express their growth after trauma

one cambodian research participant

described it to me

by using a cambodian saying or

expression

to describe his trauma experience as

having a broken courage

and he described his growth after trauma

as having a renewed courage

and to him the renewed courage feels

quite different

from the courage he had known before the

trauma

and he described it as the courage that

is less

reckless less untouchable

but more about the courage to move

forward with his life

despite being touched by his trauma

everyone’s journey to growth after

trauma

is quite unique and personal

very different but one key

element that seems to help place

people on the road to growth is the

element

of acceptance

except that trauma had happened

except that their lives have been

affected by in significant ways

except they their vulnerability without

trying to run away from it

also accept and honor all the emotions

that emerge in response to trauma

this type of acceptance is qualitatively

different

from feeling fatalistic or feeling

defeated

or hopeless it is a type of acceptance

that feels calming and grounding

and they’re overall feeling okay

with the storm which then

in turn helps them to rise above the

storm

towards healing and growth

throughout my work with my clients and

my research participants

i have learned to listen deeply

for the narrative of trauma and pain

and the narrative of growth as they

often coexist in subtle ways

and i have been a companion witnessing

such personal transformations in

wonderful

trauma survivors and somehow i’m

indirectly growing along with them

but three years ago i had a direct

experience with i would say one of my

most major

in the young moments in my life which

allowed me to gain a fuller appreciation

for the coexistence of growth and pain

and this time of life and death

it was the moment when i was in the

hospital with my father

during his last days of his fight with

cancer

and i was there sitting with him showing

him

the first time my newborn daughter two

months old

and my two-year-old son

looking back at it i realized that i was

right there in the middle of the moment

where death and life coexisted

right before my eyes

it was quite excruciating to think

that my dad who was my rock and will

continue to be in my mind

would not get to see my children grow up

but by accepting that fact i was able to

be more present

with him during his last days

and also i was able to start to see

a new life narrative for myself

as to how i would like to carry on his

legacy

through my relationship with my kids

and also as you may recall the one of

the five ways that we can experience

the post-traumatic growth mindset

is the increased ability to see

possibilities

new possibilities in life

i believe that one of the ways that i

grew

from having the experience of my dad’s

passing

was how i was able to see

a new opportunity to move to a new

country like vietnam

and to join a new university

to help develop a new psychology program

and most importantly it allowed me

to be able to say yes to this ted talk

invitation

despite feeling excited

and somewhat terrified

and also to have an opportunity to share

with you all today

about the importance of listening to

and honoring the coexistence

of emotional pain and emotional growth

within yourselves

and in people around you thank you very

much

[Applause]