Challenging your conscious bias

[Music]

you’ve heard the saying

when opportunity knocks answer the door

but how many of us have heard the knock

and missed out on opportunities

because we didn’t open the door

because we rejected something or someone

based on zero experience that you knew

you weren’t going to like

unconscious bias impacts our thoughts

actions and behaviors but what about

the conscious bias could it be robbing

us the opportunity

to live to our fullest potential

how many of you have tried online dating

oh i see there’s a few of you you’re

you’re afraid to admit it

don’t worry i got you i’ll admit it

i tried it you can set up filters in the

dating app so you

only have to see the people you’re

absolutely sure you’ll be attracted to

i wanted an older gentleman but not too

old he had to be at least

five foot ten physically fit non-smoker

no pets no children or at least grown

children

you have to be free to travel love food

and dancing a foreign accent

a huge plus

if i even thought that i saw something

that didn’t align with my perfect man

criteria

i was brutal

swipe left slight one no way

you have to be kidding me

get out of here swipe left

ladies are you with me on this

oh you stop it your men are just to be

just as bad

no wonder why nobody wanted to admit to

trying online dating

on november 19 2019 i received a call

that would kick off a series of

unexpected events

my dad was very sick and the doctors

advised me to immediately head

to new bern north carolina a city i had

definitely swiped left on

a few days later

my dad passed away

but a couple of weeks after that i

opened the front door

for a man who’s going to help with the

estate

and my entire life changed

my mom swore we were flirting

i’m sure i was just being friendly and

helpful

and trying to get her the best deal

but she kept taunting me mom

seriously scott’s five foot nothing

he has six kids a dog he’s younger than

and i can smell he smokes

and if that’s not enough he lives in

north carolina

there is absolutely no chance

over the next several weeks scott helped

me with my dad’s estate

to show him my gratitude i offered to

take him out for a beer as soon as i

returned from my business trip

but he insisted that we go right right

away

right then

i had sweaty yoga pants on and no makeup

and my hair was in a pigtail

i’ll be back in a few days but he

wouldn’t take no for an answer

who knew we’d be up talking and dancing

till dawn

the next morning on the plane i had

swipe left in my brain

i said i’ll just enjoy his company until

the estate closes

and then i’m headed back to sunny

florida

but my mind my mind kept wandering

glimpses of our future together flashed

in my head

what is wrong with me

why do i keep thinking about this man

stop it he’s short he smokes

why would i not swipe left

who lives 700 miles away from my home

what if this could be the best thing

that ever happened to me

could this be my conscious bias at work

then it dawned on me none of my previous

relationships had worked out and they

checked every box

maybe the problem wasn’t them

maybe the problem was my wish list

maybe all the qualities that i thought

were essential

actually weren’t

so the next thing you know i’m at the

north carolina dmv

changing my driver’s license and my

license plate

yup it’s official i moved

scott isn’t five foot ten with an accent

but he is everything i dreamed of and

i have never been more happy emotionally

and spiritually i feel safe to be me

and loved and supported in all areas of

my life

if we had been on the dating website his

profile

would have never made my inbox

and if some chance it had it’s like

left

being a mom of two wonderful sons

i would have never had the opportunity

to have a daughter

now i have four plus two more sons

and a dog

from planning weddings to high school

drama

i love every moment of it

scott’s parents have taken me in as one

of their own

and instead of being a loner i now have

my family

something i have longed for my entire

life

i can’t imagine my life without him

what if i never opened that door

funny thing is i’m older taller and

caucasian

not exactly his normal type either

thank goodness he didn’t swipe left

i started to wonder where else in life

am i doing this

where else in life are we doing this

what if we’re missing out on good

business opportunities

because a prospect doesn’t fit our

vision of an ideal client

or the work that we think will be best

or worse what happens if it doesn’t fit

the opinions

of our colleagues and what they think

our business should look like

where do our biases come from

the mind is widely studied by scientists

yet we still

know so little about our full potential

the unconscious mind is so powerful

and it runs in the background without

your awareness

the conscious mind processes everything

that you’re aware of anything you could

name

describe or feel but

when unconscious thoughts and behaviors

are brought to our attention

they become conscious thoughts

this means that once you can cultivate

an awareness of your endless river

of unconscious thoughts and behaviors

you can then choose

whether or not to allow them to control

your choices

to open the door or not to swipe

left or right

i thought i was abandoned i dated all

kinds of guys from all walks

of life but they all had to be taller

than me

why

colombia ants are a delicacy

they love them but here in the u.s

we don’t do that

why is it that we love ice cream yet

shutter at the thought

of eating bugs

you didn’t actually know that you liked

ice cream until you tried it

what if ants are better than

ice cream

how will you know unless you challenge

your conscious bias

your little factual right there on the

surface conviction that shouts

that’s going to taste terrible

since my aha moment i have made it my

mission to look for ways to step

beyond my conscious thoughts to open

doors that could lead me to experiencing

joy in all areas of my life

as a communication trainer one of the

tools

that i used to accomplish this was

something that i had already been

teaching

but not applying to all areas of my own

life

i tell my clients find the one person

that when they walk in the room

you immediately turn away from or try to

avoid eye contact

come on you know who i’m talking about

the people that make you want to swipe

left

what if we can begin to see that person

as our biggest opportunity for growth

what if what we run from the fastest is

what keeps us from accomplishing our

goals

personally professionally and well heck

even romantically

you are one conversation away from

compassion

opportunity or that big breakthrough

speak with someone long enough and you

can see past the difficult part of their

personality

to find connection and conversation

and that goes double for all you swipe

lefters

just like that a simple conversation can

transform your world

don’t be a victim of your own bias the

next time you hear yourself saying no to

a new person

idea or experience pause

ask yourself why are you saying no

are you automatically swiping left

now if you have a good rational reason

for saying no like

it might cause you bodily harm or the

hair on the back of your neck standing

or maybe you’ve tried eating ants and

you really don’t like them

stick with it there’s a lot of power

in a strong conscious intentional no

but if you can’t come up with a good

reason not to

ask yourself what if

why not then step beyond your conscious

thoughts

and try it

if you don’t open up the door you never

know what opportunities could be waiting

for you on the other side

it could be as easy as swiping right

[Music]