Feeling at home in your new country

when my dad visited his relatives and

they told him

that he should feel at home he used to

say

no i don’t want to feel at home i want

to be treated as a guest

i could understand why he joked like

that because

being a guest means that you are served

by the host

and that you don’t have any other

obligations

then to behave yourself more or less

normally

do not make any scandals to not break

anything or to not

burn the house down being a guest for a

while

is pleasant especially if your host

makes you feel welcome and comfortable

but how is it to be a guest in a foreign

country

not as a tourist but as an immigrant

and when do you stop being a guest

what does it take to make you feel at

home one day

with all the rights and obligations

that entails when i was a kid

i saw refugees from africa on tv

how they received food from the red

cross

i felt pity for them and i felt

fortunate

to not be in their situation

but suddenly my life changed

i myself became a refugee in norway

i was 18 years old and i remember

how i was standing in a line to get food

from the red cross

together with refugees from africa and

other conflict areas of the world

how did this happen well

i grew up in kosovo in the former

gustavia

a country torn apart by wars

in 1990s a war that made me a refugee

standing in a line in norway to get food

and staring at the iconic flag of the

red cross

made me feel small and miserable

left the queue and found myself a hiding

place

where i could cry

but i decided to accept my faith and

made the best of it

it can feel humiliating to get food from

humanitarian organizations

but in the same time you must be

grateful for all the help you get

all of us can come into situations where

we need

help from others i also comforted myself

that this situation was temporary that i

was a guest in norway

who was to return home again as soon as

the war was over

but i ended up living permanently in

norway

and i do not feel as a guest anymore

norway is my home now

in all cultures and religions there are

traditions of hospitality

in india and nepal it is said that

the guest is god they have stories

about how god transformed himself into a

guest

and then rewarded his host

for the hospitality

so the guest is a test from god

in the culture i come from a guest is

holy

ethnic albanians have something they

call bessa

which is a kind of loyalty guarantee and

which means that you have to protect

your guests

strangers who are in danger and knock on

your door or to be

welcomed in and taken care of

this tradition was used when the jews

sold

refuge at muslim and christian families

during the world war ii

despite cultural differences i think

we can distinguish between two types of

guests

guests you appreciate and guests you

tolerate

imagine having a party at home some

guests

you would very much like to have there

others

you invite just because you have to and

some may even show up

without being invited it is similar

with immigration policies around the

world

in most countries there is a system

of distinction between desirable

and less desirable forms of immigrations

governments actively facilitate the

arrival of

skilled migrant workers and experts that

they need

they can feel welcome from day one

asylum immigrants on the other hand may

not feel

welcome in the same way how was it for

me

actually i felt quite welcome in norway

because most people had sympathy with

war refugees from the balkans

but for a very long time i felt as a

guest

and a stranger in my new country

and there are three main reasons for

that

firstly i had a temporary stay in mind

as guests usually have

secondly i felt i had to be grateful and

polite

and not behave as if i were at home

in kosovo i would complain about

something without blinking

but here i thought what will norwegians

say

maybe they will say oh here comes a

foreigner

who complains and tells us how to do

things in our own country

instead of being thankful that we let

him be here

thirdly i was constantly reminded

of my role as a guest by both those

who welcomed me showed curiosity

by asking me where do i come from how it

is in my home country and how i like

norway

and those who told me to go back home

when you think you have forgotten this

guest host

thing such remarks pulls you back

and makes you really feel alienated

again

shifting from being a guest to feeling

at home

is the journey in itself

had i only focused on negative comments

i have received

it will be very hard for me to feel at

home

but in this journey in feeling more and

more at home

two factors have been crucial one is my

social mobility other is positive

signals i have received

from my fellow norwegians

i felt more accepted as i took higher

education

and became part of the middle class this

kind of class journey

makes you safer not only financially but

also

socially and identity wise you simply

feel more confident in yourself

go home comments makes less of an

impression

when you have a secure job and a

position in society

with norwegian friends and a network

around you but how is it

for those who are socially marginalized

they can feel more alienated in the

terms of identity

there are even people who are born here

of immigrant parents

and still don’t feel at home in norway

passport and the citizenship

is not enough to give you a sense of

belonging

we are talking about feelings here

it is in the host’s best interest

to make new members of the society feel

welcome

for me a welcoming society is not a

society that opens

borders for unlimited immigration but a

society that is good

on including the migrants they have

accepted

as a guest or as an immigrant you will

get

mixed signals from the whole society

globalists have a more flexible approach

to the term home and are thus in

principle

more hospitable the idea here is that

people

should be able to move freely in search

for a better life

this is what we humans always have done

throughout our history

we have moved from one place to another

and thus

changed the world and ourselves for the

nationalists

on the other hand the nation state is

the home

the idea here is that everyone should be

the master in their own house and treat

other nations with respect

without nation states no

freedom or security or any welfare state

that’s why borders and control are

necessary for nationalists the global

village

is a kind of utopia

both positions have good points

but the problem with nationalism is when

you consider the nation state

to belong only to people who share same

culture

and ethnic background when you consider

minorities

or immigrant groups as uninvited guests

or even wars as intruders

as a threat so the question is

how do you come to terms with all this

how welcoming the society is when you

arrive is beyond your control

but you should not base your perception

of the host population

solely on what examines say about

immigrants

if you do so it will be harder for you

to feel

at home i’m not saying that you should

ignore racism and discrimination

but just remember especially

when times get rough that most people

are kind

the transition from being a guest to

feeling at home

is not something that happens overnight

it is a natural

adaptation process so my advice

to migrants who have settled in the new

country is

try to feel at home and try to take

responsibility

for yourself and for your new community

in our time identity issues

get greater attention than social

inequality

but neither of them are static

i started in norway as a poor refugee

who received food

from the red cross but now i belong to

the middle class

i started as a guest and a stranger

but now norway is my home i wish my

father was still around

so he could see how i made my journey

and how much value it is on

becoming a new member of the household

we who live together in nation state

have different backgrounds

we cannot and should not just delete

them

we do not necessarily have same past but

we have a common future

a common destiny that’s what defines

a society we are in the same boat rather

we live in the same house