When A Place Called Home Isnt Home

[Music]

i remember when i was

five lying on the ground with my head

spinning easily

when i came home later that day

my mom asked me binka

what happened to your face because there

was an

open wound on my right you and it’s

quite big

i remember blaming a friend of mine and

she was my dearest friend i’m sorry if

you’re watching this

i blame her for pushing me

to the curb of your own while in reality

i wasn’t sure about what had happened

like a normal people do i was afraid

but i wasn’t afraid about

what happened to me even it left me

scars

but i was afraid

about not having an answer a real answer

to give

my name is carmelita binka and i’m your

girl on decision

when that ex-itb committee

invited me with the team surrounding

home and

families i had to look back

and think about a writing i made before

titled

it means the most strictured wealth

is in your family which is quite

contradictive

with what society will portray about

as the title suggests in that past i

brought up the notion of

huargachimara which was

a famous

soap opera indonesian soap opera in 90s

that’s all that’s about how family

should behave around each other

and how it is just not suited for

reality today

most of the audience for this static

style

are from gen z and millennials

which grew in a society just like i do

we are expected to smile

while solving a problem meticulously and

we shall be perfect

in reality however

that does not make any sense and we all

are aware of this

we all struggle in our own

secretive way

truth to be told we grew up in a society

that asked a little bit too much

and gives a little bit too late

we want to know other secrets downfalls

adversities and what is going to happen

tomorrow

so much we want to know everything so

that we often

look past knowing our true self

our true identity

this problem actually dates back to the

nature

of human life itself

when we are born we are stamped an

identity

that is so seemingly inherent to us

through our existing family’s

reputations

we did not get to decide who we are

in the eyes of the world

we are our parents kids and in some

countries

including indonesia were even given

religion by birth

so where’s the problem what’s the

problem

why i cannot teach my kids well this

might seem normal

and it’s quite contradictive

but being late at realizing that you

are your own human

you are your own human will have

the instrumental effects for your

own growth

back when i was 10 i was a bully

elementary school student for another

day but

this was a time when facebook were so

hot

and cool and everyone played illegally

there’s a lot of underage people and

i remember that i did not

receive any of my kindergarten friends

requests

and even mock some of them away simply

because

i thought i did not like

getting approached by anyone

even though these guys had nothing to do

with bullying me

i was so resentful of everyone

and i thought i had known why

now looking back i have to acknowledge

that

one of my older relatives

played a role in me behaving like that

she were resentful and never was

comfortable enough

and getting approached by anyone

so family had played a role in

shaping the 10 years old me

family to me back then are pleases

and people that i spend my time with

in the critical times of golden age

of birth to 5 years old

the concept of golden age applies in

so many educational structures

even in the field of sports

in 1998 takashi ono

a former japanese soccer team player

first note that there was something

magical

that makes it so special

in a golden age period that makes him

alter his practice method to focus

on developing early talents in that age

and now japan take golden age seriously

they are using professors to teach

the kids more instead of the adults

for me the same applies in the world of

ballet and which

requires hard and tedious work

and education from really early on to

have a chance

to be a professional i was a

professional ballerina

from 3 to 11 years old

i can say that i am a hard worker

because

i was exposed by the professional

ballerina life

since an early age

the golden age is truly a period where

we learn

so many things fundamentally

all at once and can never

be revisited again

but the problem is we tend to normalize

this

to the point where we blame so many

external factors

for failure and so many other critical

times

and the reality is that every day is

critical in our lives

one day you can have everything you need

and you will

feel grateful you will feel blessed

but the next day you might pray for

something

totally out of reach

simply because we saw others owning

different things

even it’s something that you don’t need

as a person we like to be in

control and win every single time

we like to know how to anticipate

unfortunate events

that are beyond our control

including how others behave and how the

past

unfolds

we know this is not a good habit for

sure and

it’s quite unrealistic but let’s be

honest

and let’s be realistic not everyone can

have a privilege to be content

it is a long week process a constant

battle

that we have to face every single day

where we have to distinguish our own

internal problem

and people’s mistakes do it right

and you have a wonderful life but do it

wrong

and you will find yourself blaming

others

for own internal problems

the same applies to the concept of

families

there is a famous words blood is thicker

than water

you may heard it before but i used to

i used to be this kind of person that

always put my family first before anyone

else

even myself i have to be on my family

side

even when they are wrong no matter what

happen

i have to be on their side

now i realize that a family member’s

mistake

is not our internal problem

the notion of family reputations to me

do not make any sense because each

individual

can only control themselves

family in its core sense are people that

you

have relations with we wrongfully

give meaning to it strongly leaning

towards bloodline connection

but let me ask you how many times do you

feel stronger connection

with others that have different

bloodline than you

so as for reflect back on the notion of

family

put aside the toxic portrayal of

bloodline members helping each other and

supporting each other no matter what

a mistake is a mistake and to each is

their own

we have to focus on things we can

control

instead of blaming it on things

we cannot control that are beyond our

control

at the same time we cannot hide

our own feelings

let them know the truth so try to let it

out from your head

so the others know speak

and be hurt just like this analogy

be remarkable like a blood stain on your

clothes

but remember be flexible like

water because everything can change

there’s a lot

there’s a lot of explanation about what

is home

because it’s such a complex concept

but for me an ideal home should be worn

it has to be one she’ll be a comfort

zone that is

laughing that lets you view

and that can make you grow

the hard truth is home is not your

family

or your partners or your friends or your

pets

or places

but home is yourself but you can always

make people feel at home

because you can control yourself

it is not your responsibility to make

people change

because no one can make people change

no one you are responsible

for your own self for your own happiness

have a beautiful journey of pool’s

golden age thank you