See grief in a new light

[Music]

we grieve

because we love we heal because we find

hope

and connecting with a sense of wonder in

nature

when we are grieving can soothe our

heart and soul

how do we find hope in healing in the

midst of challenges

and in the face of so much loss

the way my hands react to the cold in

winter is a useful metaphor

to explain grief whenever i go outside

when it’s very cold

the tips of my fingers go numb and begin

to hurt

when i come inside and they begin to

warm up they hurt even more for a while

until the pain gradually begins to

soften

and dissipate grief is kind of like that

when a loss happens we can become numb

because it hurts our heart to feel

we can even close off our heart

when the numbness begins to lift and we

begin to realize

the truth of the loss the pain is often

worse

it’s as if our hearts are starting to

warm up

and the initial feelings are much more

painful perhaps

than we even realized

when our hands are numb and cold it is

good for them to warm up

and when our hearts begin to feel the

pain of loss

it is also good for our hearts to warm

up

and open what can help our hurting

hearts

at this time a listening ear

sharing memories a good cry

a song with special meaning this is when

i turn to nature

and wonder when i was 13 and my father

died

a favorite poem of mine was the first

verse

of this one by emily dickinson

hope is the thing with feathers that

perches

in the soul and sings the tune without

the words

and never stops at all i would repeat it

often as i turn to nature in my own

backyard

for solace and for healing

intuitively i knew to close my eyes and

listen to the birds

the red cardinals were my favorites the

bird song was balm to my hurting heart

and ever since is a gift i wait for at

the beginning of each spring

the maple tree in my childhood backyard

was the recipient

of many salty tears its trunk a sturdy

backrest

while i wrote in my journal

nature is a place of hope for me and for

many others

if you watch the way the seasons change

you will find it there

surely hope is at play when the leaves

on the trees fall to the ground in

autumn

with an innate trust that the tree will

butt again

in spring and as many plants stand in

winter baroness

or disappear in the dark soil i can

imagine hope

within them to bud and sprout again

a single seed contains so much

possibility

and so much hope it gets planted in the

darkness often for quite a while

before something shifts and it begins to

transform

and make its way toward the light and

the sun

these metaphors can be helpful for the

griever

to feel themselves deep in the darkness

like a seed

and in their own time allow mourning and

feeling the depth

of their emotions to warm the heart

and open like a newly sprouting plant

when i first read h’s for hawk by helen

mcdonald

i was struck by how the author’s

relationship

with the goshawk named mabel eventually

brought her to face the grief

for her father and helped her cope with

the loss

until she was ready to live her life

again

she was profoundly changed by her

relationship with mabel

h is for hawk and h is for hope

and hope can be the thing with feathers

when it comes to grief hope is a good

word

many who are grieving feel hopeless

helping a person who is grieving find

hope is a beautiful

thing hope helps warm the heart

and helps a person rediscover purpose

and meaning in life

alan woolfelt one of my favorite experts

on grief

writes in the mourner’s book of hope

that hope is the expectation of the good

that is yet to be he says that to

integrate

loss and to move forward with a life of

meaning and love

you must have hope

i often write nature prescriptions for

my clients

take a ten minute walk once a day to

look for signs of hope

in nature stand with your back against a

tree

and feel its steady support

walk or sit at the beach close your eyes

and listen to the waves in your

imagination allow them to

wash over you soothing your soul

john burroughs an american naturalist

said i go to nature to be soothed

and healed and to have my senses put in

order for me having my senses put in

order

is a great way to describe wonder

rachel carson a biologist and

conservationist

invited us in her classic book the sense

of wonder

to look at the world through a child’s

eyes

i pass this wisdom on to my clients when

i prescribe

wonder walks i invite them to step

out their door and discover the nature

right around their home as if seeing it

for the first time

with a sense of childlike discovery

they often kick their shoes off and

literally allow their skin

to connect with the earth i invite them

to find a flower or a plant

and look as closely as they can at it

noticing every detail the shape

and the smell of it you might be

wondering what all this

wandering in nature really has to do

with grief

thanks to many studies and books on

nature

therapy and forced bathing and grieving

we now know that this connection to

nature is stress reducing

increases oxytocin and relaxes the

nervous system

and it is a healing modality that you

can feel the effects of

immediately it’s hard not to be altered

by gazing

at the full moon light or watching the

sunset

or simply standing in a forest as the

light streams through the trees

and nature nature is big enough

to hold your grief a client of mine

walked the beach

daily after his wife died initially

screaming and crying into the wind

gradually crying more softly

until eventually he heard a voice on the

waves

that he recognized as his wife’s

and she told him that all would be well

for him

another client of mine finds wonder and

solace

whenever she visits her horse

the last thing that she and her husband

did together

before his tragic death was ride their

horses

initially it was hard for her to get

back to them

but once she did the horses worked their

healing magic

offering her their soft noses

and understanding eyes she rode her

horse and remembered her husband

and cried visiting the horses

became a source of sweet memories

and comfort for her

yet another client has a tree that she

visits whenever she needs

support she talks to the tree

leans up against it cries

writes in her journal underneath it and

listens to its wisdom

when she asks a question

[Music]

when i was a little girl my father and i

would laugh and play in the backyard

one of my favorite activities with him

was making mud pies

with a little easy bake oven and some

kitchen dishes

i would mix just the right amount of

dirt

with water to make them moist like

little devil’s food cakes and my father

would pretend to eat them

laughing with delight and exclaiming

about how delicious

the little round chocolatey mud pies

tasted

in the months after his death with no

one to talk to

i returned to the backyard to make

those round and moist mud pies

this time they had a special ingredient

my grief tears

i would offer the mud pies up to the

trees

and to the sky and close my eyes and

pretend

that i could hear his laughter

what i have come to learn through my own

healing

and the healing stories and healing

experiences of my clients

is that after allowing space for our

feelings

and finding genuine support

reconnecting with a sense of wonder and

the beauty of

nature can heal us when we are grieving

does nature play a role in giving you

insight wisdom and comfort

can you imagine how it might be helpful

if you’re grieving

to take those big feelings into nature

and be held by the beauty of the world

and even by the fragmentation of the

world

perhaps the fragmentation mirrors our

own disconnection

from our feelings or a wounded place on

the earth

may stir up compassion for the earth

and for our own wounds

ralph waldo emerson in his 1836

essay nature said i feel that nothing

can befall me in life

which nature cannot repair

in my home i look at the sun streaming

through the window

and onto my writing desk as i turn my

head

i see the chickadees gathering suet

to take back to the nest perhaps for

themselves

or for their young hopeful ones waiting

not so patiently for their next meal

hope can be as fragile as a small bird’s

wings

but if we trust in it it will take us

where we need to go

to find healing hope is the thing with

feathers

that perches in the soul

thank you

[Music]

you