Finding happiness is a human being not a human doing

twenty years ago

i’m sitting in a hospital in kuala

lumpur malaysia

in front of a doctor my palms are sweaty

my head feels heavy and the periphery of

my vision

is starting to blacken and close in on

me

the smell of antiseptic is pervasive and

sharp in my nose

i see the doctor staring at me with no

sign of a smile

he tells me that i may have cancer

and i had to wait 48 hours for

confirmation

during this two-day period of stress

and reflection i found myself asking the

question

how am i living my life what am i doing

and what am i being am i really a human

being

or just a human doing

this inspired me to change from human

doing

to a human being that means going

from ticking to do lists to living in a

different

way and i want to share with you what

this means

and how you can gain richness

satisfaction

and fulfillment from living this way

fortunately i didn’t have cancer but

that scare gave me the opportunity to

start to understand a problem

so during this talk i’ll share several

perspectives

and offer some solutions to finding a

happier life

through planning to be not to do

by understanding what is important to

you

and living your values and by living

experiences

the problem is living by doing living by

a to-do list

rather than a to-b list living by a

to-do list can actually be quite

satisfying

there’s a sense of accomplishment and

satisfaction in getting things done

but the essence is on the result which

is short-lived

not the process which is the majority of

the time spent

for most of my life during the first

week in january i would sit down to

review my annual to-do list

some things had ticks next to them some

did not

holiday in the u.s dick

buying a house in france no tick

promotion at work dick visit friends in

brussels

noting this lack of ticks everywhere

left me feeling

tense frustrated and annoyed

think back to when you last felt like

that

so why do we live as human doings

i see three main reasons society

pressure from friends and family and

from ourselves me start by the

challenges from society

and talk about the pains of living in a

rat race

society judges us by what we achieve

through doing

rather than being where productivity and

doing things are rewarded and prized

over being happy

in the workplace we seem to admire

people who work so hard

doing things and activities until they

almost burn out

we’re frequently measured by how much

we’ve achieved

rather than by who we are how do you

measure

your day by how busy you are

is it by the things you’ve done rather

than how you’ve lived and have your

friends

ever judged you on how much new stuff

you’ve acquired this month

think of some of the things that are

highly valued in society

be it taking a step on the career ladder

buying a bigger house a bigger car

the shiniest toy or to get married have

kids retirement

in all of these cases the focus and the

prize seems to be the result

not the process of getting there and

with an endless focus on materialism and

stuff

our minds are saturated with wanting new

things

this feels wrong let me give you an

example

i started a new job one of the perks was

a company car

later that week i was asked by

colleagues what kind of car i bought

when i told them i bought a small car

they burst out laughing

some people literally bent over

clutching their sides they told me

no alex you have to have a big car

to be a real man

in addition to the competitive pressures

of society

friends and family have expectations on

us we think that others will only be

proud when we’re busy

completing tasks and doing things our

parents often want us to be doctors

lawyers and other respectable

professions

what happened to living out what we

believe is inside us

the artist the creator the innovator the

musician

this pressure is coupled with a sense of

not being good enough or not being

worthy

it’s only when i reach this position in

my career when i get the dream life

partner

or this big house that i can make others

proud

so why do we listen to so much to

society

and to family and friends well the

problem is we haven’t actually listened

to ourselves enough

when we’re bombarded with messages about

what we need to buy

and what we should be doing it’s

actually pretty hard

to hear what’s going on inside of

ourselves

when was the last time that you stopped

and really listened

to what you’re feeling and what you need

for me personally it was this story i

was supposed to go to london to work for

a big consulting phone

but back in malaysia this moment of

shock of being faced with cancer

forced me to actually listen to myself

it wasn’t what i wanted it’s what

friends and peers

expected so imagine and reflect

on this terrifying mix of the demands

upon us

from wider society from family and

friends

and blend that with us being at a loss

of listening to ourselves

so what on earth can we do to change it

well first let’s live as human beings

rather than human doings

start by planning to be not to do

what do i mean by that well instead of

having a list of things to do during the

year

i created a list of seven things to be

quite simply it was an a4 paper with

seven values or things that were

important to me

or important in the in the way i wanted

to live

i sat down every two months and

reflected on how i lived the given value

for example creativity and identify all

the ways in which i

lived it it wasn’t the house in france i

wanted

it was the dreaming the creating the

sense of adventure

living out this creativity was picturing

sitting in the house

feeling the cool wood under my feet

the scent of charcoal wafting in from

the barbecue outside

the texture of the rough stone wall

beside me

the refreshing taste of a chilled glass

of wine

as the sun goes down after a long warm

day

when reflecting on this approach i was

left feeling satisfied and fulfilled

therefore the simple message is drop

your to-do list

and create a to-b list

the second solution is to discover

what’s important to you

and to try and live by these values

and to help uncover what’s important i

use a tree as a metaphor

the tree has three levels the roots the

trunk and the leaves

think of the roots as your foundation

values the things you need

to fulfill your basic needs

like the roots of the tree what’s

important is underneath

everything you do this might even be

hidden from you

it’s almost so obvious that you don’t

notice it

to illustrate this i’ll give you an

example of my roots or my foundation

values which is variety

variety for me means that i’m involved

in and engaged in lots of different

journeys i get quickly bored

with doing only one thing planning the

renovation of the heritage building from

the 1800s one minute

dipping into an ice bath the next

chatting to a fintech entrepreneur about

their plans and dreams one minute

planning a travel adventure the next

this energizes and captivates me

what about you is it peace

humor trust or joy

that you unconsciously seek these may

well be

your roots or your foundation values

the trunk is the second level and this

is what’s important to

allow you to thrive this relates to our

self-expression and what brings

enjoyment

what would other people friends family

and colleagues say about you

when you’re really thriving and happy

mine is creativity and i’m passionate

about food

i love the crunchy feel of grinding mold

and sea salt in my fingers

the acidity and oiliness of anchovies

the sight of peppers sizzling with

flames licking around the pan

and the smell of plucking fresh basil

from my window pot

what are the values that mean you’re

thriving

is it curiosity calmness courage

and what are the experiences that you

have that make you feel alive

and perform to the best of your

abilities

continuing with the tree metaphor the

leaves are the top the third level

what we call the greater good

the greater good means what stimulates

me beyond myself

in terms of society and people or the

planet and environment

as humans we are naturally selfish and

many of us are lucky enough to live in

societies where we can spend time on

self-realization

and not just survival once we move

beyond this

and start to give of ourselves we unlock

another level of happiness within us

what’s your contribution to the world

around you to make you feel connected

and contributing when did you last do

something

not needing to get something in return

perhaps like me you like to support the

development of others

whether it’s being there for a chat for

a friend in need

to coaching or mentoring to being a

sounding board for a busy executive

or to being a shoulder to cry on for a

lonely leader

of which there are many to participating

in a group or community

and supporting others to have witnessed

the growth of friends and colleagues

over time

and through the prism of their journeys

has been an absolute privilege

of yourself allows you to listen to

yourself and learn

in turn discovering yourself at a deeper

level

so dropping the to-do list was one

solution the second was revealing

what’s important to you through the

metaphor of the tree and its three

levels

well the third solution is to be present

what does it mean to be present well

simply put it’s being conscious of where

you are

what’s happening around you and what’s

happening within you

if i ask you right now are you breathing

everyone in the room will put up their

hands however if any of you have gone

through the experience of meditation of

breath work

of ice baths and learning to control how

you breathe

you may say no i’m not breathing

properly right now

i’ve seen this so many times in

professional and personal situations

until you’ve had an experiential

learning experience

you’ll simply answer that you’re

breathing and you will not be present

spending time on reflection discovering

ourselves

and working out what’s important is

highly underrated

and it’s the key to being present

the fourth solution to enjoying life as

a human being is to live

experiences living experiences is where

the real richness lies

and it’s not just in the end result of a

given dish

and that’s the beautiful thing about

experiences is that they’re all

living and being and it’s also much more

than just

a moment of the experience take the

online cooking courses i had recently

the week beforehand i was anticipating

dreaming and creating in my mind

and imagining the class i had flavors

ingredients

and interactions all playing out in my

head

already imagining stopping the onions

from burning steam

whirling up around me as the water boils

my colleagues jokes filling my ears

and all wrapped in a sense of

accomplishment as the dish comes

together

and that was just the before and the

during there was

also an after

going to bed that evening i was still

living the experience

i already had memories to share stories

of near disaster averted

the smiles of others to remember the

beauty of this

is that these memories can last a very

long time

so wrapping up i was lucky that events

20 years ago

had allowed me to understand the being

behind the doing

essentially looking back at living as a

human being

enabled me to be happy

we’ve explored how these three circles

of pressure from society

from family and friends and from not

listening to ourselves

causes us to live as human beings

however planning by being rather than

doing

discovering personal values with the

tree metaphor

being present and living experiences

all help us to make this transition

it enables us to focus on the richness

of the journey

rather than just the destination

this enriching and fulfilling journey

contrasts starkly

with the sharpness of the doing

[Music]

therefore i want to inspire you to live

not just as human doings

but as human beings the thing is that

these wonderful flavors

are already inside you you don’t need to

go out

and find something new it’s all there

so let’s finish by imagining a world

where we are all living

as human beings a world of humans

where we are connected to ourselves from

the inside out

and connected from the roots upwards and

contributing

to a thriving planet and society

thank you