Why Vulnerability is a Human Thing

[Music]

ten years ago

i was fun guy die a pretty alright guy

knew how to laugh how to love how to

live the life of the party

but underneath that 33 year old exterior

he was afraid

i was afraid pasting a smile on my face

i believed i can manage the daily

emotional trifecta of stress

depression anxiety

believing that pain and shame were

emotions to stuff deep down into the

dark crevices of my being

but all that changed on january 1st 2010

feeling the sun slapped my face i

remember squinting through the windows

i crawled out of bed hung over

head pounding with the painful shame of

realizing that i just did what i swore i

would never do again

tiny laughs echoed through the hall as i

made my way to the kitchen

my wife looked at me but something’s

different

she’s always been the person when she

looks at me she sees the potential i

can’t see in myself

but not that morning she slammed her

coffee mug on the kitchen table

mesmerized with dora the explorer on the

tv the kids didn’t even move

fear is eclipsing my typical feelings of

regret and remorse

i’m afraid to admit the lies that i tell

myself i believe

i’m a good father a good husband a good

provider

but all those goods are quickly undone

by another night of poor choices

as far back as i can remember i wanted

to be a great man

but truthfully i just wanted to be a

better one

the kind of man that does the right

things not because they’re easy or hard

but because they’re right

the kind of person that isn’t afraid to

stand behind their choices actions and

beliefs

if i did enough great things and i’d be

a great man too

right in stressful situations

life was hard but uncorking a bottle

was always easy

sitting across that kitchen table

christy looked me in the eyes

and she broke the silence by asking me

the most life-sobering of questions

die are you being the type of man

you’d want your daughters to marry

like a song that gets stuck in your head

the question kept repeating over and

over

am i being the type of man the type of

person the type of human

i’d want my daughters to marry

deep in my gut below all that shame and

pain

something is stirring bubbling up inside

me was this deep desire to tell her

everything that was alive and real for

me in that moment

i released finally i admitted to the

lies that i

told myself finally i allowed myself to

be completely vulnerable with christy

and in that moment

everything changed i told her about my

fear of being a dad

about being judged by anyone and

everyone about the chronic pressure to

put on a happy

confident face as i strive to be perfect

in every area of my life

she smiled with her eyes

she saw me

i felt a connection i felt less alone

in place of all that fear and shame and

guilt

was trust and understanding

for the first time in my life i wasn’t

cringing while being vulnerable

i felt strong on january 1st 2010

i realized that sometimes you just have

to let go of the idea of who you believe

you are

to start living as the person you want

to be

i chose to be the type of man i’d want

my daughters to marry

to be a better man to be a better human

but let me be clear it was hard

i craved more in-depth connected and

authentic conversations

unsure of how to deal with my new

sobriety and openness friends they

stopped calling

this strength in vulnerability came out

of what i believed was a weakness

men being open and honest about their

shortcomings their mistakes their

limiting beliefs

i was never taught a role model by the

men in my life

when my search for vulnerability for

dummies return zero results on the

google

i realize the answer is not so simple

but i did see v-stitches for dummies and

98 million other search results for

crocheting

clearly owning the internet

so i continued my search for

vulnerability resources for men

when i came across a survey from the

movember project

in it they asked men to say how many

friends of any would they be willing to

discuss a serious topic like worries

about money health

career their findings show that

51 percent of men said two or fewer

friends

but one in eight said none

i wanted more than two

seeking to define what it means to be a

great man we quickly discover the term

masculinity keeps popping up

worn like a badge of honor adorned with

words like strength vigor

magismo but nowhere did i see mention of

vulnerability openness honesty

or other terms i thought would be

associated with being a great man

alternatively when i looked at

femininity words like

gentleness supportiveness kindness

again all words i thought would be part

of being a great man too

all these terms are part of a single

continuum

a human continuum we’re not humans being

emotional we’re emotional human beings

which begs the question why did i choose

to numb to hide to seek and escape from

so many of the emotions that make up a

part of my human experience

feeling unequipped and unsure of my path

i desired a community

a fellowship of strong men coming

together to share tough conversations

while collectively challenging a more

emotionally inclusive understanding of

masculinity

i sought answers from outside my circles

which led me to my ultimate revelation

to create something simple meaningful

impactful

there’s a biblical verse that says as

iron sharpens iron so

one person sharpens another

i wanted a safe space where men could

come together to challenge their beliefs

on what it means to be a great man

what it means to be a better man in 2018

while i was living in bali with my

family

i shared the idea with my good friend

nick wood

mentorship mondays

a weekly gathering of men for dinner and

conversation

no alcohol no drugs no drama no coaching

or counseling allowed no hidden

prescriptive words of advice

no one needing to be fixed because

nobody

is broken simply a group of men

coming together to share openly and

honestly without the fear of being

judged

or having what they share used against

them oh yeah

and most importantly the higgs rules

apply

what happens in mentorship mondays stays

at mentorship mondays

we open every gathering with a question

what’s alive and real for you right now

then one man speaks at a time sharing

what keeps him up at night sharing the

good

the bad and the great

creating a space that’s safe and trusted

where we can share the conversations

about the wins the struggles the

challenges we all work through like

obstacles with health money career

and along the way something magical

happens

we realize we’re not so alone

seems by practicing vulnerability we can

develop more

empathy understanding and compassion

whether in person or online we’ve seen

over 500 men

positively impacted through mentorship

mondays

show up to the meetings filled with

curiosity

and a little bit of uncertainty and then

they wait they wait for someone else to

do the thing that’s often the hardest to

do

to go first what’s alive and real for

you right now

like popcorn the first share happens and

then another

and another and another each share

building on the last building trust

understanding and connection among us

often end our gatherings by asking a

question

what’s our biggest takeaways and the

answer we hear

again and again i’m leaving feeling

better than when i arrived

by embracing vulnerability men find more

happiness and fulfillment in life

and we’ve all found more than two

friends to share the highs and lows with

along the way

my journey to becoming a better man

started over a decade ago

but how would i now answer christy’s

question

die are you being the type of person

you’d want your daughters to marry

yeah i am

and vulnerability helped me get here

i’ve come to realize that vulnerability

isn’t just a woman thing

vulnerability isn’t just a man thing

vulnerability

is a human thing

thank you