Why Vulnerability is a Human Thing
[Music]
ten years ago
i was fun guy die a pretty alright guy
knew how to laugh how to love how to
live the life of the party
but underneath that 33 year old exterior
he was afraid
i was afraid pasting a smile on my face
i believed i can manage the daily
emotional trifecta of stress
depression anxiety
believing that pain and shame were
emotions to stuff deep down into the
dark crevices of my being
but all that changed on january 1st 2010
feeling the sun slapped my face i
remember squinting through the windows
i crawled out of bed hung over
head pounding with the painful shame of
realizing that i just did what i swore i
would never do again
tiny laughs echoed through the hall as i
made my way to the kitchen
my wife looked at me but something’s
different
she’s always been the person when she
looks at me she sees the potential i
can’t see in myself
but not that morning she slammed her
coffee mug on the kitchen table
mesmerized with dora the explorer on the
tv the kids didn’t even move
fear is eclipsing my typical feelings of
regret and remorse
i’m afraid to admit the lies that i tell
myself i believe
i’m a good father a good husband a good
provider
but all those goods are quickly undone
by another night of poor choices
as far back as i can remember i wanted
to be a great man
but truthfully i just wanted to be a
better one
the kind of man that does the right
things not because they’re easy or hard
but because they’re right
the kind of person that isn’t afraid to
stand behind their choices actions and
beliefs
if i did enough great things and i’d be
a great man too
right in stressful situations
life was hard but uncorking a bottle
was always easy
sitting across that kitchen table
christy looked me in the eyes
and she broke the silence by asking me
the most life-sobering of questions
die are you being the type of man
you’d want your daughters to marry
like a song that gets stuck in your head
the question kept repeating over and
over
am i being the type of man the type of
person the type of human
i’d want my daughters to marry
deep in my gut below all that shame and
pain
something is stirring bubbling up inside
me was this deep desire to tell her
everything that was alive and real for
me in that moment
i released finally i admitted to the
lies that i
told myself finally i allowed myself to
be completely vulnerable with christy
and in that moment
everything changed i told her about my
fear of being a dad
about being judged by anyone and
everyone about the chronic pressure to
put on a happy
confident face as i strive to be perfect
in every area of my life
she smiled with her eyes
she saw me
i felt a connection i felt less alone
in place of all that fear and shame and
guilt
was trust and understanding
for the first time in my life i wasn’t
cringing while being vulnerable
i felt strong on january 1st 2010
i realized that sometimes you just have
to let go of the idea of who you believe
you are
to start living as the person you want
to be
i chose to be the type of man i’d want
my daughters to marry
to be a better man to be a better human
but let me be clear it was hard
i craved more in-depth connected and
authentic conversations
unsure of how to deal with my new
sobriety and openness friends they
stopped calling
this strength in vulnerability came out
of what i believed was a weakness
men being open and honest about their
shortcomings their mistakes their
limiting beliefs
i was never taught a role model by the
men in my life
when my search for vulnerability for
dummies return zero results on the
i realize the answer is not so simple
but i did see v-stitches for dummies and
98 million other search results for
crocheting
clearly owning the internet
so i continued my search for
vulnerability resources for men
when i came across a survey from the
movember project
in it they asked men to say how many
friends of any would they be willing to
discuss a serious topic like worries
about money health
career their findings show that
51 percent of men said two or fewer
friends
but one in eight said none
i wanted more than two
seeking to define what it means to be a
great man we quickly discover the term
masculinity keeps popping up
worn like a badge of honor adorned with
words like strength vigor
magismo but nowhere did i see mention of
vulnerability openness honesty
or other terms i thought would be
associated with being a great man
alternatively when i looked at
femininity words like
gentleness supportiveness kindness
again all words i thought would be part
of being a great man too
all these terms are part of a single
continuum
a human continuum we’re not humans being
emotional we’re emotional human beings
which begs the question why did i choose
to numb to hide to seek and escape from
so many of the emotions that make up a
part of my human experience
feeling unequipped and unsure of my path
i desired a community
a fellowship of strong men coming
together to share tough conversations
while collectively challenging a more
emotionally inclusive understanding of
masculinity
i sought answers from outside my circles
which led me to my ultimate revelation
to create something simple meaningful
impactful
there’s a biblical verse that says as
iron sharpens iron so
one person sharpens another
i wanted a safe space where men could
come together to challenge their beliefs
on what it means to be a great man
what it means to be a better man in 2018
while i was living in bali with my
family
i shared the idea with my good friend
nick wood
mentorship mondays
a weekly gathering of men for dinner and
conversation
no alcohol no drugs no drama no coaching
or counseling allowed no hidden
prescriptive words of advice
no one needing to be fixed because
nobody
is broken simply a group of men
coming together to share openly and
honestly without the fear of being
judged
or having what they share used against
them oh yeah
and most importantly the higgs rules
apply
what happens in mentorship mondays stays
at mentorship mondays
we open every gathering with a question
what’s alive and real for you right now
then one man speaks at a time sharing
what keeps him up at night sharing the
good
the bad and the great
creating a space that’s safe and trusted
where we can share the conversations
about the wins the struggles the
challenges we all work through like
obstacles with health money career
and along the way something magical
happens
we realize we’re not so alone
seems by practicing vulnerability we can
develop more
empathy understanding and compassion
whether in person or online we’ve seen
over 500 men
positively impacted through mentorship
mondays
show up to the meetings filled with
curiosity
and a little bit of uncertainty and then
they wait they wait for someone else to
do the thing that’s often the hardest to
do
to go first what’s alive and real for
you right now
like popcorn the first share happens and
then another
and another and another each share
building on the last building trust
understanding and connection among us
often end our gatherings by asking a
question
what’s our biggest takeaways and the
answer we hear
again and again i’m leaving feeling
better than when i arrived
by embracing vulnerability men find more
happiness and fulfillment in life
and we’ve all found more than two
friends to share the highs and lows with
along the way
my journey to becoming a better man
started over a decade ago
but how would i now answer christy’s
question
die are you being the type of person
you’d want your daughters to marry
yeah i am
and vulnerability helped me get here
i’ve come to realize that vulnerability
isn’t just a woman thing
vulnerability isn’t just a man thing
vulnerability
is a human thing
thank you