In accepting it I become more me
i
talked to you today about identity
it is related to character but it is
beyond character it’s related to culture
it’s related to society a child
comes into this world pure
innocent living breathing
thinking dreaming the world hopes for
this child to be
a constructive important wholesome
citizen of the world is the world giving
that child
the opportunities it deserves is society
responsible enough
to provide for it as it deserves
is the cultural ethos one that
gives the child every opportunity it
deserves
just as others around it are getting is
there equality
is there a quantity
is that child going to become a child
that the child hopes to be as an adult
these are the questions that make
identity
identifiable to a person i came into
this world
on november 29 1972.
i was born to a father who was from
delhi who was born in delhi but from a
u.p family
my mother also born in delhi was from a
punjabi family
they had a love marriage their
identities
came together in a fusion that wasn’t
very common
in those days but their individuality
was such that they were happy together
they were incredible parents
and i came to this world quite free
and i was the third child in the family
i was never
put to task my parents had grown up and
evolved
their identity had become stronger so
they allowed me to breathe
and grow as i did naturally and that
evolved for me in a manner that my
identity grew
my identity became i think a much richer
version of who i wanted to be
because the freedoms i got the
opportunities i was given
were lavish much more so than my brother
and sister before we had
that is what shaped me into becoming
severe
sudden my mother also taught me the
saying which said
if you your lips could keep from slips
five words described with care to whom
you speak
of whom you speak how and when
and where and with that she had given me
much to
chew upon much to think about
much to reflect upon and much to hold
very dear to my heart
and as i started searching for my
identity
as i started identifying my identity
as i started living my identity
those words to whom you speak
of whom you speak how and when and where
they stood by me they surrounded me
they informed me and in doing so
they made me sweet sorrow the man i
became and now we can talk about
what else informs my identity
my astithva my identity
it’s a very complex issue because i’m a
complicated person we all are
but who am i i am so
sorry the name wasn’t chosen by me it
was given to me by my parents
but i’ve grown up into it i’ve become
severe i am a beautiful brave warrior at
least i think i am
so i am sufi’s sarin how am i
so sudden well i’m a chef
i’m a writer i’m a dreamer i float
around
that is how i am i also love to be human
i’ll see humanity in the other i see
life
in all living beings and i value that
life
and that is how i am my identity makes
me question
what am i what is swede
do you do that as well we all should do
what am i
yes i’m a chef yes i write yes i recite
i think at times but is it all i am
i’m part of the human collective i
am who i am because there are others who
are who they are
and in our collective as humans and in
our collective as beings with life
that together makes us part of the
living creatures of this planet
that is also what am i what i
am what am i well i
am part of a larger human story
i’m part of the living story of this
planet of the people
of the lives that inhabit our great
grand earth
that also is who i am that is what i am
human living breathing thinking
with a ticking brain and i value that in
all other beings
when i see them as a collective when i
see all of us
human and non-human with life in form
and shape
as one and equal i become what i am
my identity would be incomplete unless i
question where am i am i a gps location
am i just consumed by that
am i free of it do i belong to that gps
location
these are questions that continuously
rang me elevate me innovate me
and excite me when i realize that i’m
beyond a gps location
when i realize that i’m not limited by
my geography
it is then that i become more of who i
am
a gps location gives me new hope
it gives me opportunities it connects me
with new others
it makes me think it makes me reflect
it makes me tick and function but it
does not define me entirely
i can be in one location but it is
another from which i
take energy it is another to which i
give
energy i may be in a certain location
but another consumes my thinking time
another makes me cry and yet another
makes me palpitate
that is where i am that is where i am
not
that true is part of my identity
my identity my estithwa it makes me
question
where i want to be where do i want to be
do i want to be alone do i want to be
inside myself
am i happy being besides myself
because sometimes not being in me makes
me
find a little peace of mind because
sometimes in me
it’s conflict sometimes in me it’s too
much
peace too much quiet too much solitude
solitude that deafens me in silence
but inside me often are all the answers
i need
inside me is the sanctum sanctorum of my
being
when i connect to it i find the answers
when i’m one with it i find myself
when i ache with it i find harmony and
peace
when i dance with it i’m free free of
myself
in this human form and united with
whatever other forms
i may be able to take that is
where i want to be my ascribed identity
my identity as sweet sorrow born to
sunita in gurusaran in new delhi
in india ascribed to me
a male form my being
as i grew of age made me into a gay man
i’m indian i was born in india in new
delhi
is that what my scribed identity is
yes because more often than not
when people hear my accent when they
say my name when they see me write in a
certain way
think in a certain manner they ascribe
an indian-ness to me
they understand me as being the other in
lands outside of india
i’ve lived in america for 27 years
i lived in india for 20. in america
no matter what i did i was always a boy
from the foreign land
the boy with the accent the boy with the
foreign name
the boy who spoke with the lisp the boy
who was gay
that is my and identity when i didn’t
choose
it wasn’t something i strove to be
it was given to me by a stroke of birth
that described identity
i own for in not owning it i’m not who i
am in accepting it i become more me
and when i’m more myself i become one
with the other
in becoming one with the other i become
completely
me that is my scribed identity
save sarin an indian who lives
with the world sometimes in india
sometimes in other places
but almost entirely always with himself
that is my ascribed identity
my achieved identity where i’m still
working hard to find myself
in
that i myself am looking for me
who is who are they to show me the path
when they themselves are as lost of me
and that is my identity
as i choose for it to be because i have
not found myself
i’m still on a journey discovering me
discovering the joys i want to
appreciate
the joys i want to keep forever i still
am appreciating the damages
the pain the suffering that has made me
a better human being
and i know there are more to come still
but in those
moments the good the bad and the ugly i
become
the more complete version of myself and
that
search to be more full more fulfilled
more severe and more sweet as sufir
wants him to be
that search continues and in that search
i keep finding the identity i want
for myself i’m far from complete
i’m far from broken in my beautiful
bits and bobs in my broken bits and bobs
in their togetherness and in their
complete unison
i find me living breathing thriving
surviving celebrating all at once
and that true is my identity and the one
i have chosen
found discovered and owned for myself
so you now know where i was born you
know what i think of myself
you know where i am who i am but we
haven’t talked about being born again
in 2019 things happened
that i had to leave my chosen home new
york city
and arrive in new delhi the home of my
birth
and that exchange made me
severe surrender born again and we have
the ability
in identity in our character which is
related to our identity
to come of age to come of age again
to be born born again and what happened
was
that i lost what i had but i gained what
i never knew i could have had again
and then arriving in delhi in being a
kid
who was sleeping next to his mother
taking care of
care of himself an adult boy being cared
for by
an older mother i realized how lucky i
was
the possibilities that life had the
opportunities that come when you least
expect them
a grown mother caring for a grown son
what could be more challenging for the
identity
of a young man i was nearly 50
my mother was in her mid-70s and here we
were
child and mother together
i slept in her bed cared for by her
brought alive through her hard work and
all of that touched my heart
i forgot that i belonged to america
that my home was in new york city my
identity became
soviet sarin son of sunita sarin cared
for by that mother
nourished by new delhi a city that i
knew as a young kid
that i had abhorred as a young man but
today as an adult
i again loved again and that enriched my
identity
it fed my soul it gave me
food for fodder to think
it made me tick it made me breathe it
made me one with the world
in ways i’d never imagined and here i am
in 2021 talking to you about identity
having enriched my identity by a stroke
of birth
that i was born to as severe but then by
a mini stroke
that made me a newer version of severe a
version that i
hope i hope to the end sick
keeps me alive thriving happy because i
have grown to enjoy this new me as well
so identity keeps changing keeps
churning identity
should evolve just as we do in other
aspects of our life
i’m grateful that 2019 happened i
arrived in new delhi in the care of my
mother
sick but as she made me happy and
healthy
i learned that i’m like an elastic
stretch me
i grow with me stretch me further i grow
further
we can all evolve our ascribed identity
doesn’t have to be our real identity
thank you for listening to me
now go find yourselves as i keep finding
new versions of
myself