In accepting it I become more me

i

talked to you today about identity

it is related to character but it is

beyond character it’s related to culture

it’s related to society a child

comes into this world pure

innocent living breathing

thinking dreaming the world hopes for

this child to be

a constructive important wholesome

citizen of the world is the world giving

that child

the opportunities it deserves is society

responsible enough

to provide for it as it deserves

is the cultural ethos one that

gives the child every opportunity it

deserves

just as others around it are getting is

there equality

is there a quantity

is that child going to become a child

that the child hopes to be as an adult

these are the questions that make

identity

identifiable to a person i came into

this world

on november 29 1972.

i was born to a father who was from

delhi who was born in delhi but from a

u.p family

my mother also born in delhi was from a

punjabi family

they had a love marriage their

identities

came together in a fusion that wasn’t

very common

in those days but their individuality

was such that they were happy together

they were incredible parents

and i came to this world quite free

and i was the third child in the family

i was never

put to task my parents had grown up and

evolved

their identity had become stronger so

they allowed me to breathe

and grow as i did naturally and that

evolved for me in a manner that my

identity grew

my identity became i think a much richer

version of who i wanted to be

because the freedoms i got the

opportunities i was given

were lavish much more so than my brother

and sister before we had

that is what shaped me into becoming

severe

sudden my mother also taught me the

saying which said

if you your lips could keep from slips

five words described with care to whom

you speak

of whom you speak how and when

and where and with that she had given me

much to

chew upon much to think about

much to reflect upon and much to hold

very dear to my heart

and as i started searching for my

identity

as i started identifying my identity

as i started living my identity

those words to whom you speak

of whom you speak how and when and where

they stood by me they surrounded me

they informed me and in doing so

they made me sweet sorrow the man i

became and now we can talk about

what else informs my identity

my astithva my identity

it’s a very complex issue because i’m a

complicated person we all are

but who am i i am so

sorry the name wasn’t chosen by me it

was given to me by my parents

but i’ve grown up into it i’ve become

severe i am a beautiful brave warrior at

least i think i am

so i am sufi’s sarin how am i

so sudden well i’m a chef

i’m a writer i’m a dreamer i float

around

that is how i am i also love to be human

i’ll see humanity in the other i see

life

in all living beings and i value that

life

and that is how i am my identity makes

me question

what am i what is swede

do you do that as well we all should do

what am i

yes i’m a chef yes i write yes i recite

i think at times but is it all i am

i’m part of the human collective i

am who i am because there are others who

are who they are

and in our collective as humans and in

our collective as beings with life

that together makes us part of the

living creatures of this planet

that is also what am i what i

am what am i well i

am part of a larger human story

i’m part of the living story of this

planet of the people

of the lives that inhabit our great

grand earth

that also is who i am that is what i am

human living breathing thinking

with a ticking brain and i value that in

all other beings

when i see them as a collective when i

see all of us

human and non-human with life in form

and shape

as one and equal i become what i am

my identity would be incomplete unless i

question where am i am i a gps location

am i just consumed by that

am i free of it do i belong to that gps

location

these are questions that continuously

rang me elevate me innovate me

and excite me when i realize that i’m

beyond a gps location

when i realize that i’m not limited by

my geography

it is then that i become more of who i

am

a gps location gives me new hope

it gives me opportunities it connects me

with new others

it makes me think it makes me reflect

it makes me tick and function but it

does not define me entirely

i can be in one location but it is

another from which i

take energy it is another to which i

give

energy i may be in a certain location

but another consumes my thinking time

another makes me cry and yet another

makes me palpitate

that is where i am that is where i am

not

that true is part of my identity

my identity my estithwa it makes me

question

where i want to be where do i want to be

do i want to be alone do i want to be

inside myself

am i happy being besides myself

because sometimes not being in me makes

me

find a little peace of mind because

sometimes in me

it’s conflict sometimes in me it’s too

much

peace too much quiet too much solitude

solitude that deafens me in silence

but inside me often are all the answers

i need

inside me is the sanctum sanctorum of my

being

when i connect to it i find the answers

when i’m one with it i find myself

when i ache with it i find harmony and

peace

when i dance with it i’m free free of

myself

in this human form and united with

whatever other forms

i may be able to take that is

where i want to be my ascribed identity

my identity as sweet sorrow born to

sunita in gurusaran in new delhi

in india ascribed to me

a male form my being

as i grew of age made me into a gay man

i’m indian i was born in india in new

delhi

is that what my scribed identity is

yes because more often than not

when people hear my accent when they

say my name when they see me write in a

certain way

think in a certain manner they ascribe

an indian-ness to me

they understand me as being the other in

lands outside of india

i’ve lived in america for 27 years

i lived in india for 20. in america

no matter what i did i was always a boy

from the foreign land

the boy with the accent the boy with the

foreign name

the boy who spoke with the lisp the boy

who was gay

that is my and identity when i didn’t

choose

it wasn’t something i strove to be

it was given to me by a stroke of birth

that described identity

i own for in not owning it i’m not who i

am in accepting it i become more me

and when i’m more myself i become one

with the other

in becoming one with the other i become

completely

me that is my scribed identity

save sarin an indian who lives

with the world sometimes in india

sometimes in other places

but almost entirely always with himself

that is my ascribed identity

my achieved identity where i’m still

working hard to find myself

in

that i myself am looking for me

who is who are they to show me the path

when they themselves are as lost of me

and that is my identity

as i choose for it to be because i have

not found myself

i’m still on a journey discovering me

discovering the joys i want to

appreciate

the joys i want to keep forever i still

am appreciating the damages

the pain the suffering that has made me

a better human being

and i know there are more to come still

but in those

moments the good the bad and the ugly i

become

the more complete version of myself and

that

search to be more full more fulfilled

more severe and more sweet as sufir

wants him to be

that search continues and in that search

i keep finding the identity i want

for myself i’m far from complete

i’m far from broken in my beautiful

bits and bobs in my broken bits and bobs

in their togetherness and in their

complete unison

i find me living breathing thriving

surviving celebrating all at once

and that true is my identity and the one

i have chosen

found discovered and owned for myself

so you now know where i was born you

know what i think of myself

you know where i am who i am but we

haven’t talked about being born again

in 2019 things happened

that i had to leave my chosen home new

york city

and arrive in new delhi the home of my

birth

and that exchange made me

severe surrender born again and we have

the ability

in identity in our character which is

related to our identity

to come of age to come of age again

to be born born again and what happened

was

that i lost what i had but i gained what

i never knew i could have had again

and then arriving in delhi in being a

kid

who was sleeping next to his mother

taking care of

care of himself an adult boy being cared

for by

an older mother i realized how lucky i

was

the possibilities that life had the

opportunities that come when you least

expect them

a grown mother caring for a grown son

what could be more challenging for the

identity

of a young man i was nearly 50

my mother was in her mid-70s and here we

were

child and mother together

i slept in her bed cared for by her

brought alive through her hard work and

all of that touched my heart

i forgot that i belonged to america

that my home was in new york city my

identity became

soviet sarin son of sunita sarin cared

for by that mother

nourished by new delhi a city that i

knew as a young kid

that i had abhorred as a young man but

today as an adult

i again loved again and that enriched my

identity

it fed my soul it gave me

food for fodder to think

it made me tick it made me breathe it

made me one with the world

in ways i’d never imagined and here i am

in 2021 talking to you about identity

having enriched my identity by a stroke

of birth

that i was born to as severe but then by

a mini stroke

that made me a newer version of severe a

version that i

hope i hope to the end sick

keeps me alive thriving happy because i

have grown to enjoy this new me as well

so identity keeps changing keeps

churning identity

should evolve just as we do in other

aspects of our life

i’m grateful that 2019 happened i

arrived in new delhi in the care of my

mother

sick but as she made me happy and

healthy

i learned that i’m like an elastic

stretch me

i grow with me stretch me further i grow

further

we can all evolve our ascribed identity

doesn’t have to be our real identity

thank you for listening to me

now go find yourselves as i keep finding

new versions of

myself