Reconnecting with the Splits of My Identity through Love and Acceptance

when i was younger

my grandma used to do my braids three

two one three two one and again and

again

she used to say take care of her hair my

love it defines your beauty

i looked up in the mirror and saw a

pretty

beautiful woman in braids but i thought

it was in my reflection my perception of

myself

i don’t feel comfortable in my body

those tight braids felt heavy on my head

like intruders

my hair had become rough losses shine

hannah

split ends like the split ends of men

gender

at 10 years old i knew i was different

from infancy we have been told that we

have to fit into the boxes of different

identities religion caste

and the most important who a boy or girl

is

one of the first things that we do when

we meet someone new or past someone on

the street

is to choose as to which gender box they

fit into

let me ask you a question when did you

find out about your gender

a lot of us here might not even have

thought about it

given that we have been very confidently

told about our gender at birth

in the name of sex

when i was exploring my sexuality and my

gender

i realized that i couldn’t fit anywhere

i could i couldn’t fit into the gods and

norms of femininity

or masculinity i sometimes felt

as a woman sometimes as a man sometimes

as both and sometimes as

none

at the age of 16 i came out first

to myself about my identity and then to

the people around me

and that was when i got in terms of my

whole gender and sex war

and i realized that you don’t have to be

a man

or a woman just because your body say so

as the maldivea says one is not

born but rather becomes a woman

think about it well i was born

a female but didn’t become a woman

when i was born my parents were very

happily told

that i was female now that they told the

world that i was female

people behaved with me as they would do

with any woman

but later i realized that i couldn’t fit

in

i realized that i didn’t i felt like a

man sometimes felt

like a woman sometimes sometimes as both

and sometimes

as none of his gender fluid

while my sex was female my gender

was fluid and i realized something very

important

that gender is a spectrum and anybody

could fall anywhere

when i realized this this was a moment

of evolution

all of us have faced identity crisis

when we were growing up

life goes to a metamorphosis and we

question everything

ourselves and the world we get over this

stage once we have had our share of

experimentation got inspired by media

and found love and acceptance in

ourselves and the people whom we love

now imagine a situation imagine when

you’re different

and not normative you’re one in many but

it does not make you feel special

because that’s the time when you want to

fit in

in such a situation you confirm

you confirm just for the sake of being

accepted

and loved you shun your identity the

identity that makes you feel

loved and belonged

even if you accept yourself you don’t

really have the option to share it with

people

whom you love when i was growing up

i didn’t have any gay idol to look up to

and when i hit puberty things became

worse

i didn’t have any voice changeover or

grow any beard

i would use my dad’s shaving cream

to pretend that i had a beard and shave

it

i was always inclined towards whatever

the boys did

stereotypically i was called a tomboy

i didn’t like being called one because i

wanted to be

a real man and not a woman who was

incomplete

at the same time i felt rejected in

general

i didn’t conform to the ideal beauty

standards then

so i didn’t get my ten much attention

from guys

and as a child it mattered to me a lot

at this point of time i forced myself

into

exaggerated femininity and it made my

dysphoria

worse on the barrel

i was also exploring my sexuality

when for the first time i came to know

what a lesbian was

was through adult movies and that

changed my life

it introduced me to my identity which i

later accepted

but when for the first time i saw it i

felt disgusted

i felt disgusted about my own feelings

my peers were of the same age so i

couldn’t expect them to be accepting

they had the same perception

offend lonely and rejected just because

i was different i also

got into a relationship with the guy

but it made me feel all the more

suffocated

i realized that hiding my identity

was hindering my dreams i’ve always

dreamt big

i’ve dreamt to be the change

a new journey had started the journey

of acceptance and this journey

started with me getting a short haircut

i remember that the day when i left my

home for a haircut

my mom gave money into my hands and her

fingers held on to mine for a bit too

long

she said make the cut look decent

make sure is something that you can

carry every day

and don’t forget that you’re going to

none immediately after that so your

grandma is going to see it

i left my home feeling courageous as if

prepared to go on a battlefield

it was just a haircut i realized

that the society had made my hair such

an important part of my life

what made it so hard for them to let me

go some inches of it

like leaves of the trees our hairs grow

back

don’t they

for me that hair stylist was both

a butcher of my hair and the liberator

of my dysphoria

i sat on my favorite leather back chair

and closed my eyes i could smell the

fancy shampoos and conditioner

and hear the metallic snips of his

scissors

and feel his gentle fingers gently pivot

my head to get the best angle

after a few snips i heard a crunch

i felt something soft land over my

shoulder

my head felt light i opened my eyes

only about three inches of hair was

remaining in the front

it was a new me i knew me but still

myself

i couldn’t stop staring at my reflection

at my true self

till that day the the mirror never felt

as a true friend

never good enough to show me my true

self but not today

i could see the feminine little boy

taking form

in the mirror and i wondered where he

was for so long

when i went back into the car i suddenly

remembered

of my nani manani

was an ideal housewife who did her roles

only according to what her male

counterparts

approved of will she accept me would she

reject me or she still love me

i don’t know i reached my nanny’s house

and i rang the bell

i wore a cap i thought i could deceive

her into believing that i hadn’t cut my

hair

and not break her heart but now

i didn’t want compromises compromises

felt like lies so i removed it

my nani was coming towards the gate when

i called out chaiji miyagi

trying to make it sound like it usually

did

she opened the gate and i stepped in

her hands reached out to touch my hair

i could feel her slender fingers touch

my hair till the roots

i could see the physical expression in

her eyes wondering what i had done with

my long hair

[Music]

she said nothing nothing

and occupied herself for setting up the

lunge

we ate the lunch in silence

which was in turn eating me up

the silence was getting unbearable when

she

abruptly remarks india pakistan kamacho

today’s india pakistan’s match it was so

abrupt but i felt

a wave of relief sitting at that moment

on the cold marble floor looking up at

manani

i didn’t care how things would pan out

later in life

but i knew one thing for sure

the splits in my hair or the length of

my hair

wouldn’t and couldn’t snatch away the

love of the important people in my life

she looked at me sharply and immediately

added

don’t cut it from now on i jumped up ran

towards her and embraced her in my arms

i kept my head on her chest and said

okay

we’ll see those tight braids had

vanished though its

intruders had gone away

it was a true me and still so beautiful

metaphorically autumn had gone

winter had passed and the spring was

finally here

after this there was no going back

but coming about coming out to my

parents about my sexuality and about my

gender

needed immense courage and my psychology

teacher in my college

gave me that courage to be myself and

not fear

to be out on the same day i came out to

my parents

sitting in the silent room i said

mom dad i’m gay

sorry to disappoint you do you know what

they said

we are disappointed at you and us

that you couldn’t share the struggle

with us earlier

i’m very fortunate that my parents

care more about me being a good human

being

than me being gay

love conquers all do all of us not

believe in that

i started my journey alone

but soon i found someone who would be

with me in this journey to conquer it

all

my partner sanjana

no matter how much bullied or

threats we faced we tried

to stand strong and have a voice for the

community

i’ve been kicked out of a moving train

just because i stood up for a hijra

person

sanjina has been constantly asked

uncomfortable questions about her

sexuality

and about our relationship

people love stereotyping boxing

and discriminating when someone

tries to get out of ford’s normative

and when i say that we fit ourselves

into boxes

it’s really important to understand what

these boxes are

these boxes aren’t stringent sealed

boxes

these are boxes that give you a sense of

identity

sometimes it’s important for me it was

really important to find an identity box

for myself

but but for someone else it might not be

the only question and the difficulty

arises

is when people form their own opinions

and ideas about

who should fit into books

it takes away the whole essence and

meaning of having an identity

it is a safe space where you can be

yourself

not fear

all of us love a cloth or a fabric that

we won’t let go

what the society does is to take us

out of it forcefully because they feel

that it’s worn out

it does get difficult to understand the

whole lgbtqai plus community

and also gender binaries because of the

stringent

ideas that we have for so many years

but all you have to do is be decent

human beings

and respect differences

a beast matthew one of a very good

comedian

said you don’t have to get it you just

have to respect it all of us here

there would have been one moment in your

life where you would have stood

in front of the mirror and said this

could be better

this could be beautiful let me tell you

one thing

i’ve been there and i’ve seen that

differences exist

and each and every one of us and we need

to learn to cherish it

differences make us unique

and being unique is your superpower

someday you might even have to save the

world

from the superpower by being unique and

not

fear to be who you are

so let’s not fear to fit into different

identity boxes and then unite

my grandma has accepted me and my short

haircut

so now she makes sure that i feel

beautiful and complete in my body

she somehow still manages to do the

braids in my short hair

three two one three two one and again

and again thank you

you