How Cultural Prisons Can Break In Just One Minute

friday morning

country victoria feeling relaxed and a

little happy

as it’s the last day of school

as i get out of the car i hold my skirt

as it blows up in the wind

and as i walk into the school grounds i

can hear laughter

and chatter and shouts as friends meet

on the last day with excitement

i quietly make my way through following

my normal routine

straight to the locker and then on to

class

i don’t have a lot of friends so i

bypass the socials and head straight in

to start my day

the teacher calls us in and checks off

the role

after lunch sitting quiet in the library

with my friend christine i realised i

could very quietly ask her the question

that had been burning in me since the

day i met her

i quietly lean in and ask

why aren’t you wearing your engagement

ring

stunned by the question christine stared

at me

for what felt an eternity

before she laughs and said no one gets

engaged at this age

silly why would you even ask that

i instantly feel stupid

so stupid and embarrassed

with waves of shame rushing over me i

jump up

out of my seat with tears blurring my

eyes

i walk as quickly as i can to the

bathroom

leaving my pencil and books on the

library desk so i just couldn’t bear to

sit there

another minute in the bathroom i look in

the mirror

choking back tears i was 11

i’m indian and in just one moment

with just a few words i knew

i was immeasurably different

frozen fragments of sentences started

hurling themselves through my mind

you don’t need all of that just focus on

the basics

you’re getting married at 16 it’s

promised

you don’t need a degree to start and

raise a family

words which are part of the rhythm of

traditional

indian life where girls just like me

every day are promised in marriage

before they are born

words which told me at the age of 11

that i had no choice that placed me

firmly in my cultural prison which had

sleeping through the next four years

until my engagement party

which was organized for the entire

indian community

in a tiny little town

and the truth is i was actually excited

i’d always been told to dress down and

not draw attention to myself

as i was spoken for and this was the

first

time i could get my hair done and wear a

pretty dress

it was my day to shine

which is why i was surprised when at the

party

i looked across the room and saw my

parents have a very public argument off

to one side

i watched in disbelief as my dad stormed

out of the party

all i could think was why can’t they

just keep it together for one night

this was the first time it was all about

the next day my dad summoned me up to

his office

my dad was an industrial chemist and a

perfectionist

so my brain was racing to try and

understand what i’d done

wrong had i not packed up or cleaned

something

instead when i reached his office door

i was met by the most compassionate face

it was not what i was expecting

after we sat down my dad held both of my

hands

and asked me just one question

is this what you want puss

do you want to get married to this man

my dad was my adoptive father and he’d

learned about the engagement at the

party last night

and was furious

i sat there dumbfounded

i had no idea why he was even asking me

this question

as i wasn’t even remotely aware that i

had a choice

but i did have a choice a million

things ran through my mind

confusion excitement nervousness

the time it took to answer my dad felt

like it

stretched forever

and i finally plucked up the courage and

spoke

no i said no

dad i don’t want this

the power i felt in that single moment

was extraordinary to be heard

and seen it took a split second and few

words

to totally change my view of the world

to break me out of my cultural prison

i slowly grew into my new freedom and

during the next decade i married a man

of my choosing

started our family and lived in asia in

the middle east

pursuing a corporate career and

settled into a beautiful life believing

my prison to be behind me

because february 14 2004

i held for the very first time my

beautiful daughter

that my husband and i had just adopted

from india

she was six days old

and as i look into her dark beautiful

eyes

something just clicks and suddenly

everything i’d experienced in my life

falls into place

everything makes sense in this moment

holding my new baby girl i realized that

i broke the unhealthy

cycle of my culture so i could create a

new paradigm for this young girl

and that would have a ripple effect for

years to come

it was the most incredible moment of my

life

i felt empowered and unstoppable

as i felt the enormity of what i’d just

done for our daughter

and then at the age of 30 i was offered

a very senior position to work for a

company in thailand

the job was a huge stretch and far

outside my comfort zone

it felt like i was in a dream as i

honestly thought they’d called the wrong

person

in that moment as my insecurities

surfaced

i realized i had not escaped my cultural

prison

i had simply stepped into the ante room

carrying the weight of generations

of good indian women all i thought i had

left behind

was still present

yet this woman who was offering me this

incredible job

saw my capabilities not my heritage

and in that moment with just a few words

any bars that still held me inside the

prison my culture had bound me in

broke but they did not disappear

a successful stylist working with women

to break out of their

self-made and culturally driven prisons

i had created a thriving business

then at 39 in 2011

my business in brisbane was devastated

by some of the worst floods in history

forcing me to close my doors facing

bankruptcy

and as i lay on the bathroom floor at

2am

crying inconsolably into my husband’s

arms

the voices of all of my ancestors raised

in a

deafening internal crescendo

who did you think you were to start a

business

you were just an indian girl

you should have stayed quiet voices and

beliefs and patterning

that i decided no longer had a right to

run

rampant through my mind i had accepted

the bars of my cultural prison at just

i’d been able to bend those bars

enough to escape

at just 15. i had realized those bars

still haunted me

at 30 and at 39

i decided to stare down the generations

before me

to remove the prison bars for once and

for all

because i was fortunate enough to have

my aussie dad

who in just one moment and few words

changed the course of my entire

life

without who i wouldn’t be the woman i am

today

stands tall and who honors her heritage

and culture

but there are hundreds of thousands of

girls and women

around the world today whose lives are

still

predetermined by their culture

when i find them or they find me

i remind them they have the power to

change

to break out of their culturally driven

prisons

of shame

i tell them they have options

i worked hard to break the shackles that

would have been my life

and so can they and we can all

take just one moment to ask the most

powerful question of

all is this what you really

want and when you leave here

look into the mirror lean in

and ask yourself is this what i really

want

and then listen to the whispers of your

soul

as they give you the moment of courage

you need