Get Unstuck Lessons from my Infertility Journey

i was sitting on a room

with eight other women

and i’m trying really hard to smile

on the wall there are garlands and a big

sign that says congratulations

my friend annie was eight months

pregnant and when she talked about

having a baby shower

i immediately raised my hand to host it

and i went overboard in decorating my

home

she finally starts opening gifts and all

the other women

sit around her and start giving her tips

what’s the best feeding bottle to invest

in is it phillips

or tommy tippy where she should buy the

diapers

is it costco or target as i hear

every idea i’m simply nodding my head

and i’m trying even harder to smile

the suggestions keep coming and i sit

silently

i don’t have anything to offer i don’t

have a child

i have zero suggestions everyone else is

talking

but i am frozen and as they keep

speaking

i begin to feel like i’m slowly

disappearing from the scene

and now it’s physically painful to be

there

my heart is aching because everyone is

talking about the thing that i

desperately want

i wish i could just get up run to the

restroom

and cry out loudly but instead

i have to sit and try

really hard to smile

as soon as i got married everyone in the

family started asking the

questions indian family right when are

you going to have kids

what’s the delay when i got pregnant i

was so

excited but 10 weeks in i had a

miscarriage

i was devastated we tried again and

again and i had two more miscarriages

heartbroken we began to pursue fertility

treatments

first with medications that didn’t work

next

iui intrauterine insemination where the

procedure puts the sperm directly into

the uterus

we had three attempts all of which

failed

we then tried ivf in vitro fertilization

which is considered the golden standard

for fertility treatments

this is where i take medications to get

large quantity of eggs

and the eggs are retrieved mixed with

sperm in the lab

and when embryos are formed they are put

back into the uterus

on the day i was waiting for results i

was at work

and somehow missed the call with my

hands trembling

i called my voicemail eagerly

anticipating a

congratulations pradeepa but instead

all i heard was pradeepa i’m very sorry

i dropped my phone and started crying i

immediately picked my bag

and ran outside the work not wanting my

colleagues to see me crying

because nobody knew and i didn’t want

them to find out

we tried ivf again and again

every time it felt like climbing the

stairs of the 30th floor building

only to fall down face flat broken into

pieces

and picking the pieces sticking it back

together and climbing the stairs all

over again

one turned into two to three to four

to eight cycles it was exhausting

physically mentally emotionally

and spiritually all along i couldn’t

talk to anyone about it because nobody

knew

culturally it’s a very taboo subject and

there is so much stigma around it

when i would meet somebody new and when

they would ask me do you have any kids

i literally wanted to disappear it was

so painful

and shameful and for the whole time

i felt so stuck and so desperate to know

what i should be doing next

online i was frantically searching for

answers

is it drinking this tea is it taking the

supplement is it eating this type of

food

i even found a suggestion to eat fries

from a specific mcdonald’s restaurant

it was madness there is so much

conflicting information

i did not know which one i should listen

to

it’s like i was trying to see the road

ahead of me

while wearing vaseline smeared glasses

and however

hard i tried to clear them i still could

not see

i did not know what to do next

if you are in a position where you are

stuck

you know how helpless you feel it’s like

someone has the right advice

if you just look hard enough if you read

hard enough if you google hard enough

someone will give you the right advice

to solve your problems

if you are in a position where you feel

so

stuck and don’t know how to wipe the

vaseline off your glasses

i would like to show you what i did

from coming out on the other side and

now

10 years as a coach helping other people

get unstuck three simple

steps step number one

have an understanding of what your

emotions are

maybe you are in very touch with your

emotions

or maybe you’re sitting there and

thinking

this is stupid i’m not a touchy feely

person

i don’t have emotions if that’s you

what you’re feeling right now is

irritation

and that’s an emotion the truth is

in many societies we are taught not to

express negative emotions

we even have this phrase called ugly

crying crying isn’t ugly

it’s a beautiful emotion and everyone

has to express

it but we fear that when we express a

negative emotion

it might make others feel uncomfortable

or make us seem weak

so we pretend and say it’s all good

and that causes us suffering

when i was in the midst of infertility

my friend announced her pregnancy to me

and i was trying really really hard

to smile inside i know there is a lot

going on

but i did not know exactly what it was

and that made me feel

even worse so first

i have to learn to understand my

emotions

when working with clients who say they

are stuck

and don’t know what to do next my first

step is to always help them

understand what they are feeling

so think about something in your life

where you

feel stuck and now

look at this chart and see which of

these emotions you’re feeling right now

is it happy is it sad

is it angry or is it scared

now you thought about your emotions

around the area where you’re stuck

step number two is to be honest with

yourself

about what you’re really feeling

so when my friend announced her

pregnancy to me there was a part in me

that was so happy for her

and i also felt angry and sad

and jealous and that made me thinking

pratipa you can’t think those things

what kind of a monster are you

you’re not a good friend and i was

beating myself up

for thinking those things where i was

already feeling

terrible this made me feel even worse

and it made it even harder to understand

what i should be doing next it’s like my

vaseline smeared glasses

are now painted in black on top

so be honest with yourself about

what you’re really feeling and to

acknowledge

and accept that this is really hard for

you

so how do you do that maybe

after you leave here you’ll tell

somebody about it

you write about it you sing about it you

paint about it

you dance about it but let’s do

something

right here right now

i want to invite all of you to close

your eyes

or lower your head

and take a deep breath

and quietly in your head say this to

yourself

this is really hard for me

this is really hard for me

take a deep breath again and open your

eyes

now you understood your emotions and you

acknowledged

and accepted that this is really hard

for you step number three

is to give yourself permission to feel

it

in the moment with my friend i was

unable to do that

since then giving myself permission

to feel the feelings outwardly i may

look exactly the same

it gives me a sense of peace and most

importantly

helps me to understand what i should be

doing next

in working with clients and giving them

permission

to feel their feelings is incredibly

powerful and liberating

when they are stuck and don’t know what

to do next

they often tell me they are in this tiny

dark space

by doing this work they are often able

to let go of some of the things they are

holding

and experience the freedom that will

help them to understand

what they should be doing next

so let’s give yourself the permission

to feel it in few seconds

quietly in your head you’re going to say

these three things

i feel whatever you’re feeling

this is really hard for me

and that’s okay

i invite you to close your eyes or lower

your head

and take a deep breath again

and quietly in your head say this to

yourself

i feel whatever you’re feeling

this is really hard for me

and that’s okay

you have just given yourself permission

now open your eyes and sit with that

when i learned how to do these three

things

it was liberating instead of feeling

awful and dragged down my body felt

lighter

i was able to be present and when

someone shares the news that i have

conflicting feeling towards

i’m able to feel joy for them and other

feelings

by acknowledging and accepting and

sitting with those other feelings

often i’m able to let them go

and when it comes to seeing the road

ahead of me it’s like my vaseline

smeared glasses

got cleared by a small viper

even if the path is not simple or

beautiful

i can see it clearly and i can choose

which way to go

three years ago i was sitting on a plane

with my husband from dallas to mumbai

and my heart was racing and there were

butterflies in my stomach

i was thinking about our luggage on hold

and how

along with our own clothes we had some

chocolates

some new clothes for a three-year-old

and a yellow toy car

i hope that was the right thing to bring

i just don’t know

the next morning we were sitting on two

chairs

in a small office in the ashram

signing paperwork and talking to the

coordinator

and i was not even present i can’t wait

for what’s coming up next after

15 long minutes a young woman appears

holding hands with this beautiful little

boy

and i was thinking to myself wow

this is not a picture anymore this is

reality

and the adoption coordinator says to him

karthik

karthik this is your mom and dad

he looks up straight walk towards me

and sits on my lap

and the world stands still

i was crying and showering him with

kisses

and as i do my 16 years of

longing and pain melts away

i understood that everything that i have

gone through in my life

brought me there i did not know

what’s going to happen next but for the

first

time i did not care

finally my vaseline smeared glasses

have cleared

you