Building a Better Life with Boundaries

hello i’m christine bella

intimacy architect i help people to

build a life they love with better

boundaries

boundaries is a word we hear a lot

thrown around these days especially in

the wake of things like the metoo and

time’s up movement

so what does it mean when we talk about

boundaries

well boundaries are the way in which we

set guidelines for how we want to be

treated and how we

interact with others this is why

boundaries are

tricky because we often don’t know that

our boundaries have been violated

until after it’s happened

so how do we navigate this

this happened to me recently when i was

out to lunch with someone they pulled

out their phone and

showed me this really gross picture and

in that moment i realized well

i have a couple of new boundaries one no

phones out during meal time

and two i definitely want to be asked

before i’m shown a picture

so how do we go about beginning to set

better boundaries

well we can learn to catch catch is an

acronym that i came up with while i was

juggling two jobs one was working with

children on the autism spectrum

and the other was working with newly

divorced adults

trying to navigate the dating world

and surprisingly they both had something

in common

they were both trying to figure out how

to understand

and communicate their boundaries

and this is where it hit me quite

literally one day when a child threw

something at me

and i realized it’s really important to

check

in to see if someone wants to play with

us before we

start the game and life is a game after

all

so before we dive deeper into catch i

invite you to take a deep breath

to close your eyes and think about a

time in your life when you

said yes to something you didn’t really

want to do

do you remember how it felt when that

question came

did you want to cringe and did you feel

just yourself getting small

maybe that gut feeling inside going oh

no but despite all of those sirens going

off

you just went along with it you said

something like okay

sure whatever i guess and then regretted

it afterwards

what would it look like if you didn’t

feel bad about

saying no this is a question i’ve asked

hundreds of people

everyone from eight to eighty and pretty

much every situation

they say the same thing they don’t know

because boundaries are not something

we’re taught to think about until now

essentially we’re taught to not talk

about our boundaries because it might

inconvenience others but i’m here to

debunk this idea

it is not selfish for you to put

yourself

and your boundaries before somebody else

it’s actually an act of love now i

wasn’t born with this information in

fact quite to the contrary my family has

pretty sucky boundaries

they made me hug people i didn’t want to

hug when i was a kid

they are notorious for over sharing

and giving unsolicited advice

my family has this idea that children

should be seen and not heard

and when you think your voice is not

important it really

robs you of this unique expression and

worst of all it makes you feel like your

boundaries don’t matter

and this is not to say a judgment or

point fingers

you know this is just about really

observing ourselves and

figuring out what this is all about so

in this observation we can start to

create a new way to approach

relationships with ourselves and each

other as maya angelou said

we do the best we can with what we know

and when we know better

we do better so here are our top flat

here are my top five boundary blunders

that we can do better on

one is unsolicited advice two

is getting physical three

is unclear communication four

is people pleasing and five is over

sharing

i’m guessing at some point or another

we’ve all done one of these

i know i certainly have and at the time

i didn’t really see what the big deal

was

giving somebody advice or patting

someone on the back

we often don’t think of these everyday

experiences as being

based in boundaries but they are these

are the small

ways that we are either building love

and trust

in our lives or we’re creating barriers

out of fear that drive wedges between us

i have to tell you that since i’ve been

more aware of my boundaries

i have more time and energy to do the

things i love because

i only say yes if i mean it

i have healthy relationships with the

people in my life and i have more

respect for myself

boundaries have made my life better and

i know they can do the same for you

so let’s get ready to catch catch works

just like playing a real game it reminds

us to pause

and think about what’s being thrown at

us or what we’re tossing in somebody

else’s direction

this way we can really get clear and we

can focus on how to navigate

what we’re receiving or what we’re

giving whether it’s words or physical

the same rules apply we model it we try

it and before you know it

everyone’s playing along so we’ll start

with c

c is for connection how do you connect

to yourself

first it is the first relationship you

have

the most important one it’s the one with

you

if you are connected to yourself and by

commit connected i mean

really here to feel and know what you’re

experiencing

to be clear on what you need then you’re

really likely to say

yes only to the things that you truly

want to do

when we are disconnected we tend to over

extend ourselves and

we get exhausted and resentful

those are the moments when we we don’t

want to be mean or selfish but

we end up feeling terrible because we

gave away more than we had

let’s face it if you’re tired or hungry

you really lose the ability to make good

choices

so we have to remember to prioritize our

connection to

ourselves just like they say on the

plane you

put your mask on first before you help

anyone else

so how are you showing up to help you

i like to prioritize myself every day

with a few minutes of meditation or

maybe walking my dog just some time for

me

so i encourage you to take care of

yourself first

take the time to make that number one

connection to

you it is the most important

relationship you have

then we want to take note we want to

notice those moments when something

feels good or off so we can really be

clear in the future about expressing

what is or isn’t working for us

now we come to a a is for association or

if you want to think of it as like the

relationship status are you

acquaintances

allies adversaries how are you

connecting to the people around you

are you the boss is this your bestie are

you keeping it casual or were you hoping

someone was going to put a ring on it

for you

these are the things we want to think

about how are we in relationship

how can we get clear on that

relationship

i know so many people get caught off

guard because they were

dating someone and they thought it was

really exclusive but it

turns out it wasn’t because they never

really had that conversation

they weren’t clear and they found out

the other person didn’t feel the same

way

it’s important to be honest about what

you want from a relationship

whether it’s a working relationship a

friendship a romantic connection

it is equally important to be clear on

what you are able to give

how much time do you have how much do

you have to contribute

where do you draw the line on the time

or the energy you want to share

t is for talking my grandma always says

it’s not

what you say is how you say it and i’ll

add to that that it’s also

making sure someone is ready to hear it

consent and boundaries go together like

hand in glove they really complete and

complement each other

so consent in a conversation may seem

obvious when it comes to something big

about

sex but what about little things what

about

even getting consent to have a

conversation

now i know it might seem strange this

idea of

asking someone if you can talk to them

but think about it

how many times have you or your partner

come in and just started talking

and downloading things and the next

thing you know you realize that that

person wasn’t really

listening or you get ready to go to bed

and your partner suddenly wants to have

this big

dramatic conversation and you’re just

not really in a space to be there for

that

if you want to communicate clearly have

consent

to have the conversation this is a great

way to ensure

everyone is heard and ready to listen

when i need to talk to somebody about

something challenging like my boundaries

being crossed

i sandwich sandwiching provides this

buffer of feedback and this

acknowledgement before i ask for a

behavior modification

the first piece is gratitude reflecting

on what is working

and then i find they’re more likely to

tune in

and not feel attacked they’re ready to

receive what i have to say

and the second part is getting to that

request to make the suggestion

or ask for what it is i need and i

follow it up

with expression of appreciation of how

important it is and how much i

understand

that these vulnerable talks can be

challenging and

offer them an opportunity to tell me how

they’re feeling

as awkward as you think it might be to

have these conversations

it is always way worse if things go

unsaid

so get consent for the type of

conversations you want to have

now let’s talk about one of the hardest

words to say when it comes to boundaries

no i am a cheerleader for no

i encourage you to say no and to see no

as an opportunity it is a redirection

not a rejection no is a chance to pass

on purpose when i say no it gives

someone

else a chance to show up it gives

someone else a chance to show

their purpose i have no regrets

about saying no but i’ve definitely had

regrets about

not saying no no is an exercise in trust

that strengthens our authenticity and

here’s the biggest game changer i

learned about saying no

is to say thank you when someone says no

i have gratitude when people say no

because i can trust them

i know they are being honest and taking

care of themselves

nothing feels worse than when someone

who has said

yes to something they didn’t really want

to do

it’s like as if i was stealing from

someone only

i didn’t know it because they were

giving away what they didn’t have

most importantly no is a complete

sentence

and anything less than your authentic

enthusiastic yes is a no so that means

maybe is a no if you’re maybe

sit with it breathe into it ask more

questions give yourself some time to

really be clear

practice letting no be the default

the best thing about no is it leads you

to moments and people

that are a yes and that makes for epic

adventures

the second c is for

checking in when we want to check in

along the way

because consent and boundaries is an

ongoing conversation

checking in is important you want to

check in with yourself

you want to check in with the people

around you did you change your mind

maybe somebody else did maybe something

came up

we all need to feel heard and feel safer

in our situations

if we can check in now and then to see

how we’re doing to see how other people

are doing

especially in moments when we tend to go

on autopilot

because it’s then when we sometimes

forget

and we just need to remember that we all

have permission to change our minds even

in the middle of something

there can always be some new

circumstance that comes up

so knowing that your boundaries can be

drawn in pencil

and you have the permission to take them

back at any

time checking in helps us to be clear on

what is working h

h is another one that kind of came to me

both from working with kids on the

spectrum

and dating adults they kind of had the

same complaint

people were always trying to touch them

without

them wanting to whether it was just

something friendly like a handshake or a

hug

so think about the intention behind your

action

think about what it is you’re looking

for do you feel like you’re just doing

it because you’re supposed to

are you trying to get closer to someone

do you feel like that only way to feel

affection or attention is through touch

what is it that you really need

and is this the appropriate time or

place for that

the intention or energy behind our

actions

matters i’ve been talking about this for

years but it seems more important now

than ever that we

begin our interactions with one another

without touch

so let’s say h stands for head nod

it’s a good way to start interactions to

acknowledge one another

with a head nod and then we can ask

we can invite and get clarity on what

kind of touch

is welcome since we’re talking about

touch it’s

time to talk about sex because we’re all

here as a result of sex

so empowering people to talk about sex

really equips them to have safer sexual

experiences

what if instead of having these awkward

conversations talking about sex and

consent could be

foreplay talking about sex doesn’t have

to ruin the mood it can be fun

and flirty so let’s get real for a

moment

if you’re too embarrassed to talk about

it i mean

are you really ready to do it when it

comes to intimacy

talk about what you like get clear and

specific

define things because we all have a

different view on what

things mean discussions and

full disclosure are your friends and

safer sex is not just about condoms it’s

a safer space

emotionally mentally physically

energetically

it’s really knowing your needs and the

comfort level of

what you’re what is working for you

whether that’s touch or talking

so starting with a head nod and inviting

touch from there

healthy boundaries are what set us up

for success

the ability to say yes and know when we

mean it

and not feel bad about it so let’s recap

c is for connection take care of

yourself first

a is association what’s your

relationship status

t is for talking be sure to get consent

to communicate

and the second c is checking in what’s

new

how are things going and finally our

h for the head nod heading us in

to how we’re gonna connect

thank you so much for being here i hope

you feel empowered

and understand what your boundaries are

to take the time to know

more about your boundaries the more you

know about your boundaries the easier

they are to talk about and the more we

talk about our boundaries

the better our relationships can be with

others

i’m christian bella intimacy architect

and you

just caught on to catch