Change is Your Proof of Life

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

i remember every single detail

of my life changing the hot somali sun

blinding me as i climb into the back

seat of the land cruiser

my lunch of goat and rice and how i turn

my nose up to it

not knowing it would be my last real

meal for months

i can feel the soft fabric of my head

scarf

i can smell the sweat of the security

guard sitting next to me

the very same man who in a few moments

will hand me over to a group of somali

pirates

in exchange for one hundred thousand

dollars

for me as a humanitarian aid worker

traveling through villages in somalia is

just another day at work

after finishing my staff training for

this field mission we climb into the

vehicle we head back to the guest house

i do normal things like send a few work

emails and

i wonder what i’m going to have for

dinner

and then everything changes

mud splashes up all over my windows and

my windshield and as i sit there

wondering what kind of jerk drives like

that

the crack of the butt of an ak-47 on the

car hood

an angry man dressed in a police uniform

pools open my door

puts a gun to my head and screams at the

driver to drive

i don’t know who he is i don’t know what

he wants i don’t know where he is taking

i don’t know what is happening

and as my head slams against the window

and i’m tossed like a rag doll into the

back

i realize i do know one thing

and that’s that no matter how this thing

pans out

my life will never be the same again

because whatever this is is bad

it is so bad that i have nothing to

compare it to

what follows can only be described as

impossible because i

am a hostage

it is blazing hot in the desert during

the day and freezing cold at night

forced to sit under trees and bushes all

day and sleep out in the open

i am constantly afraid i am going to be

raped

i am constantly afraid i’m going to be

sold i am surrounded by 20 to 30 armed

men at all times

everything i know about life has changed

i am no longer

jessica buchanan humanitarian teacher

wife daughter human

i’m simply a commodity an american

dollar sign that needs to be kept just

alive enough so that i can be cashed in

and as my new reality unfolds before me

i realize i have a job to do

and that job is simply to survive

survival means different things to

different people

but what i’ve come to realize is that

regardless of the context

it is very human to be able to figure

out how to survive

change when it has been thrust upon us

the first thing i learned is that change

is the author

of our stories because if you think

about it

no great story has ever come about

without significant change

now sometimes we choose that change

through our sheer will and determination

forcing it to happen

other times that change chooses us

and waits to see what we will do

in some of the darkest moments of my

captivity i would say to myself

this is just a chapter in the story of

your life

you’ll get through this and then you can

move on

but what i understand now in the

aftermath is that change doesn’t want to

just write a chapter it wants to write

the entire

book but

how that story is told is entirely up to

you

because change doesn’t get to have the

final say

it doesn’t ask your permission it

certainly requires a response

according to studies conducted by

researchers at better up

we are six times six times

more likely to demonstrate strong

resilience

if we can identify our own autonomy

and choice in the middle of our

change it took me

40 days in my captivity

to realize i was actually being

presented with some interesting choices

i realized i had three things that i was

probably never going to have again in my

life

i had time god knows how much time i had

i had solitude the desert is a

beautifully quiet place

and well i’m a hostage so i had nothing

to do

so i made a choice i decided

people quit their jobs and travel

halfway around the world to go out and

find themselves and maybe

maybe this was my chance and i could

even sit here and do it for free if i

didn’t take into account that

45 million ransom demand on my head

so i got busy and i made a work plan for

myself

and i decided that i was going to take

my life

in increments my entire 32 years and i

was going to divide it up and i was

going to remember

every single thing i could remember that

had ever happened to me in that 32 years

so for example one of my first memories

is when i was

four years old and my mother took me to

the movie theater for the first time

we went to go see snow white in the

seven dwarfs it was a hot

july night in southern indiana i could

remember how sun-tanned her arms were

and the little freckles

i could feel the texture of the popcorn

in my mouth and i could taste the

sweetness

of the soda that we were sharing i could

even picture

the shape of her teeth when she laughed

and one by one the memories of

the most beautiful life played before me

like the scenes

in that movie and i was able in the

middle of all of that bad to find some

good

i was able to let go of some hurts and

very

grudges i was able to ask for

forgiveness

and i was able to forgive

and when i had remembered everything i

could possibly remember i began to plan

and dream now i had no idea if i was

going to survive

to see those dreams but it gave me a

goal it gave me something to work

toward and more than anything

it gave me a place in the middle of all

of that chaos where i

alone was in charge

change is our proof of life

now i don’t expect everybody to

understand exactly what that phrase

means maybe you’ve heard it in a movie

maybe you’ve read it in a book the

reality is

there are very few people who actually

live through

giving their proof of life now

a proof of life video is when your

captors

prop you up in front of a video camera

and they command you to ask the

government or your families for more

money

maybe they want someone else or

something else in exchange and then

what they’ll do is distribute the video

to all of the news outlets

so everybody can watch you plead for

your life

the point of a proof of life video is

just that to prove that you are indeed

still alive

so that negotiations can move forward

this is my proof of life video

i’m saying my name is jessica i am safe

i am alive i’m being treated well

we want to implore the american military

not to attack

and our families need to do more as well

as the government financially

because things are not moving in the

right direction

on the night that i was kidnapped

we were driven for hours out into the

desert

we would drive we would stop we would

change personnel we would drive

we would stop and change vehicles and

after driving for half the night

we were forced out of the car

in order to walk out into the desert

i am surrounded by dozens of armed men

i believe that i am walking out to my

own execution

it is the single most terrifying moment

of my life

and it’s almost like i’m having an out

of body

as i walk and i trip and i fall and i

pick myself back up

i can remember at one point feeling

blood trickled down the front of my leg

and it was sticky and it was warm and it

would gather

in between my toes

and i remember thinking yes

this is good because this pain

i can still feel it it hurts and it

means that i

am still alive

because when things aren’t changing we

are no longer living

we can look to the past we can look to

nature we can look to

everything that is happening in the

world right now and know that that is a

fundamental truth

and then when you are in the middle of

surviving something that you never

thought you

would possibly survive

inevitably something is going to change

again

it’s day 93

and i am still living in the desert

and i am sick

i have a urinary tract infection that

has moved into a kidney infection

i’m in some of the most intense pain

i’ve ever experienced in my life i can

no longer stand upright

i’m hallucinating for fever i am asking

for medicine for a doctor i need an iv

i need to be moved out of the desert

into a hospital

it’s no use

i move my mat out into the middle of the

field like i’ve done all the other 92

nights before

and i fall into a restless sleep

i’m awoken a few hours later by a

wrestling in the tall grass that i am

sleeping in

not 30 seconds goes by and the night

just erupts into automatic gunfire

and all i can think to myself is no

no more changes

because in my mind i think i’m being

kidnapped by another group

possibly al-shabaab islamic extremists

and if that’s the case there is no hope

for my survival

i’m hearing some of the most horrific

sounds all around me

men are breathing their last breaths

i try to make myself as small as i

possibly can and just disappear into the

ground

suddenly i feel hands on my arms and on

my legs and i

try to fight back

and then i hear the voice

of a young american

man

and he knows my name

jessica

jessica it’s okay

we’re the american military you’re safe

now

we’re gonna take you home

and in my shock all i can say over and

over again is you’re american

you’re american

he says we’ve been watching you for 93

days

we know how sick you’ve been

he hands me a bottle of water and some

medicine

one of them picks me up and carries me

to a place of safety

and one by one dozens of soldiers

make a shield to protect me

tears stream down my face

as the message is relayed to me that by

order of president obama

the country’s most elite seal team six

have been sent out to rescue

a schoolteacher from ohio

and because of honor

president obama picked up the phone that

night

and made a phone call to my father

to let him know that his girl was safe

she was alive

she was coming home

surviving change

is to understand that nothing

nothing lasts forever

not the good not the bad

things take the time they need to take

no more no less

took me 93 days in the desert

to trust that

change is the author of my story

leading me to my life’s purpose

because i get to have the final say

and change was

and always will be proof

that i am very much

still alive

you