Easy ways to practice empathy in your own life

[Music]

so

fun fact about me i do empathy for a

living

i know i know of all the possible career

choices

why this right my asian parents be like

if you were going to do something

theoretical do astrophysics you know

but in the past four years of doing this

work i’ve learned that empathy

while intangible isn’t actually

theoretical

in fact my team and i are dedicated to

making empathy

as tangible practical and actionable as

possible

and here’s why how many of you have ever

had a bad day

all of us right it’s human we all have

bad days

so imagine you’re having a bad day and

you bump into two friends

the first friend takes one look at you

and says

e why the long face

how do you think that makes you feel the

second friend

pulls you aside and says hey

you don’t look okay wanna talk

the difference between these two friends

is not good friend or bad friend

it’s empathy empathy is defined as the

ability to

feel and relate to another human being

at tribals we describe it

as the capacity to see parts of yourself

in everybody else

in this scenario your second friend saw

that you were having a bad day

because she like any other human being

has had bad days too and chose to treat

you

the way she would have wanted to be

treated that’s empathy

empathy may come naturally to us but it

gets lost in translation sometimes

especially in conversations what do i

say

can i ask this question is it too

personal is this topic

even on the table these questions are

things we grapple with

every day at tribals because

conversations

are the medium we use to teach people

empathy

growing up i’ve always craved for deeper

conversations

you know the kind where you’re sitting

on a campfire and the night

stretches out before you magical and

endless

i never realized how important those

conversations were

for my mental health until four years

ago

when my life hit rock bottom

the year was 2016. i was living in san

francisco

my dream city attending my dream

university

everything was perfect except for the

fact that i was dead broke burnt out and

borderline depressed i was so miserable

there

that eventually i had to make a decision

no asian kid should ever have to make

i dropped out of university i

thought that coming home to malaysia

would make me feel better

but every conversation i had just served

to make my mental health worse

hey why you come home ah what you doing

now

have you ever considered signing up for

my financial freedom programmer

there was no one and nowhere i could be

myself

until i hosted a dinner party tribalist

dinners

were dinner parties with one rule no

small talk

and somehow it worked by setting up the

space and managing expectations

we were able to achieve a level of

intimacy i had previously thought was

impossible with strangers

it was at this dinner party that i found

the courage to open up about my mental

health

for the first time and to my surprise

everyone else just listened they

didn’t jump to conclusions or cut me off

they were genuinely curious about my

experience

and through that process of listening

and sharing i learned

to understand and accept myself

i didn’t know it then but what i

received that night was empathy

and i was absolutely mesmerized

the more dinner parties i hosted the

more i noticed a pattern

how is it that we were able to create a

safe space for people to open up and

share

no matter how diverse the group so a few

friends and i put our heads together

and turned our group conversation format

into something a little

bit more tangible we called it the

empathy box

the empathy box is a fun simple

structured way

for a group of people to have an

empathetic conversation

there are several components to it but

the one i want to share with you today

is the response cards we believe that

responding

is a skill and arguably the most

important part of building empathy

remember that scenario with our two

friends their response to our bad day

was indicative of their level of empathy

this is true for our day-to-day

conversations too

so to guide our conversations we came up

with the five response cards

show some love help me understand

share an observation offer an alternate

perspective

and the wild card and when shared in a

sequence

they act as a back of pocket guide for

empathetic response

so let’s play out that scenario once

more but this time

your friend is the one having a bad day

and we are going to have a conversation

with her

using the response cards so she’s

walking around with her rbf

and you go up to her and say hey you

don’t look okay

on a talk she looks at you takes a deep

breath

and says life has been really stressful

lately man

i’ve been dealing with a lot of stuff

okay

so this is the first time your friend is

opening up to you

so chances are she’s a little nervous

maybe a little scared

but instead of downplaying her worries

you go

hey thanks for telling me i

didn’t know you were going through that

to be honest

there are days where i feel the same way

she looks at you and says

really and you say yeah life is hard you

you’re not alone the first response here

is show some love why do we start with

love

because acknowledging and appreciating

what we have in common

the humanity we share is the fastest way

to build trust in a conversation

when someone opens up to us it can feel

like the burden is on

us to make them feel better like we need

to fix their problems or offer a

solution

but often what feels best is simply

being heard

and validated then you ask

do you think you can help me understand

what exactly is it you’re going through

this second response is help me

understand the phrasing is deliberate

help me understand places the oscar in a

position of humility

and curiosity it takes away the

potential sting of a nosy question

and allows both you and your friend to

go deeper

in this case you’ve just created a space

for your friend to share more about her

situation

or she take you up on it your friend

bites the bullet and says

i just feel like i’m behind in life you

know

everyone else is getting jobs settling

down

but i don’t have clear goals like they

do

the only thing i enjoy is drawing

you look at your friend and say can i

share an observation

she nods and you go you always look so

happy whenever you draw you can do it

for hours and hours and you never get

tired

it’s amazing this third response is

share and observation

we observe things all the time shifts in

mood

tone body language but we rarely feel

comfortable enough

bringing it up this card says it’s fine

go ahead use the power of observation

for good

and in this scenario your friend didn’t

realize

how passionate drawing made her until

you pointed it out

wow you’re right it does energize me she

says

and you’re not but but i don’t know if i

can make a living with it she says

how can i sustain myself it’s never

going to work

when a conversation reaches this point

and starts spiraling

it can be so tempting for us to swoop in

and play savior nola it’s fine you can

do it

or eh i heard about this girl should you

are very good let me intro you

but often the best thing to do is to

offer

an alternate perspective this fourth

response

is usually grounded in personal

experience

without that it can come off as preachy

or fake

it’s a very fine line but when you

approach it right

it can be immensely powerful you reach

out

and hold your friend’s hand i don’t know

if i’ve ever told you this

but when my mom was younger she wanted

to be an interior designer

you share but in her time practicality

won over passion so she became a company

secretary instead

we don’t talk about it much but whenever

she redecorates our home

i see the same happiness in her that i

see in you

when you draw i’m not telling you what

you should or shouldn’t do

i just want you to know that as your

friend i will support you

no matter what and finally

we have reached the fifth and final

response

the wild card it’s exactly as its name

says

you can do whatever the situation calls

for

come on let’s go to the stationery store

you say

i know that always cheers you up

sometimes at the end of a conversation

you can feel like taking action on

something

but you’re not sure if you can having

the option

to go outside of the box allows you to

expand the possibilities of the

conversation

and your relationship this may be a

hypothetical scenario

but it mirrors our life more often than

you think

a too quiet classmate a rude colleague

a stressed out sibling every

conversation is an opportunity

for us to listen to hold space and to

offer an empathetic response

if we choose to we started this journey

with dinner parties but now the work

that we do

is used by thousands of people all

around the world

from classrooms to boardrooms to

bedrooms

creating safe spaces for real honest

authentic conversations to happen it is

fulfilling work

but i must confess tribal is the most

difficult thing i have ever had to do

not just because our vision is

totally scary and unheard of in

southeast asia

but because there is literally no room

for hypocrisy at all

we have to practice what we preach about

empathy and conversations

otherwise everything would just fall

apart

i guess that’s what you get when you

build a company with your best friend

boyfriend

and younger sister but i will tell you

the best thing that has come

out of this journey my relationships

i know that i can always turn to them if

i’m having a bad day

and they will shower me with empathy

until all is right with the world again

and they know i will always do the same

for them too

as we transition into a new decade i

invite you to think about your

relationships

and the depth of conversations you’re

having in a world of zoom calls and flex

picks

how might we create more intentional

spaces for connection

for vulnerability for empathy

just remember the next time you’re at a

loss of words

think of the five cards in the back of

your pocket

and always start with showing some love

thank you

you