Elope Your Life
[Applause]
after my wedding
the supposed best day of a gal’s life
i went home and i cried
and make no mistake these were not tears
of joy
yeah not exactly the start to a modern
fairy tale right
you see i had originally just wanted to
elope with my husband
but instead i spent so long
trying to impress and please other
people with this big wedding
that i lost sight of so many things
but out of this attempt at having this
amazing
enviable big day i actually learned
something
really really important about every
single one of us
and how comparison and expectations and
norms
are quite possibly keeping us from
living the most fulfilling lives
my name is sam i’m an author and an
adventure elopement photographer
i help empower couples to live their
truest lives
starting with their wedding and i’m here
today
to show you just how unique you are
and why that uniqueness should be
reflected in all facets of your wedding
and your life regardless of what norms
or expectations tell you
why you can certainly elope for your
wedding like i wish i did
but you can also take that one step
further
and elope your life
so because the term elope is so
prevalent in all this
let’s start off by talking a little bit
about what that means
so what comes to mind when you think of
the traditional word
elope well
if you’re like a lot of people some
associative words like
sadness shame disapproval
or boring courthouse wedding come to
mind
that being said do these people who
eloped
look like they fit that sad shameful or
boring courthouse wedding descriptor
or these now i know what you’re thinking
boring right yeah all kidding aside
the english language and definitions are
constantly changing
and the word elope doesn’t necessarily
mean what it used to
now instead of running away from
something you’re actually running
to something you’re running to yourself
your relationship and what’s true to you
and that’s not something often seen with
a lot of weddings and wedding planning
if you’ve ever been involved in planning
a wedding whether it was your own or a
friend’s
the next few examples i’m going to give
will either number one
trigger flashbacks sorry or at the very
least have you
nodding your head and internally saying
oh
yes now if you haven’t had the
pleasure of planning a wedding
consider this a potential preview
you’re inviting me right
but why weren’t we invited
well if joe isn’t invited i’m not coming
either
chicken or fish or a vegan option
seating arrangements wedding favors
and the coup de gras the dreaded
aunt carol
notice a common theme it’s
all about what others want or pleasing
other people and so many couples get
stuck on that
making sure guests have the exact food
that they want
appeasing loved ones who insist that
that certain person be invited
making sure your wedding just isn’t
generally seen as tacky
and you see all those things they’re
about something much bigger
it all comes down to this highly
technical
and scientific fact we just want people
to like us
and that is where we get it all wrong
your wedding day is supposed to
represent you and your spouse right
but instead we are so focused on making
people like us and having people approve
of our wedding
that we lose sight of who we are and
what actually represents us
we’re trying to solve a problem so far
downstream by making a wedding where
everyone’s happy
that we don’t take a moment and think
how we can stop that at its source by
asking
is a wedding even us
and that’s hard to do because from the
time you learn what a wedding is
you learn what a wedding should be no
one ever gives us a moment to stop and
reflect
on how a wedding is representative of us
no
or whis past it made to focus on those
required details
you guys know the ones the dress the
cake
the bouquet the guess the reception the
party favors the list
goes on it’s become so ingrained in
us that it’s really hard to take a step
back and ask ourselves
is this even really me is this really
us not to mention
you have all those other people who feel
like they have to have the best wedding
that falls in line with those norms and
expectations
first dances become more choreographed
dance floors become more glamorous
the serving of food becomes an
entertainment spectacle
and because we want people to approve of
our wedding
and by extension approve of us
we see all this guest satisfaction with
all this pomp and circumstance and we
think
oh duh this is what i have to do
and just like that we have trapped
ourselves in that
toxic comparison game we haven’t even
given ourselves a chance to think
is this what i want to do
and this goes for every aspect of our
lives
not just weddings from what we should
study in college
to what we’re told is the gold standard
for beauty
most any decision we make has us
potentially worrying about
what others may do or say oh and
ultimately we just
we gotta stop we gotta stop and ask
ourselves these really really important
questions about
all aspects of our life am i doing this
because i love it or because of what
others are potentially doing or saying
and make no mistake this takes a lot of
self-reflection and introspection
and it’s probably part of the reason i
end up being sort of a
part-time unofficial therapist listening
ear for a lot of my couples
because we dig into a lot of that stuff
now i want to talk to you about that
toxic comparison game for a minute
and i want to tell you why it’s absolute
garbage did you know it’s not
objectively fair to compare yourself to
anyone else
yeah i’m gonna tell you why
you are absolutely unique there is not
another person on this earth
like you there never has been and there
probably never will be
no one else has your specific set of
experiences
and that means in order to fairly and
objectively compare yourself to someone
you would have to start off with the
exact same set from
upbringing to personality traits to life
experiences
all the way down to what your hair color
is
and what some bully said to you during
second period in high school
just me on that last one cool
but all these things and more greatly
influence how we see
and react to the world and in turn how
others react to us
the permutations of these factors are
exponential
now for those of you who need the cold
hard statistics
i’ve got you covered because i can
statistically prove
that you are so unique it is absolutely
impossible to fairly compare yourself
to anyone else in this grand
race that we call life so
let’s bust out a couple of those
important facts
first the odds of having someone look
like you
based on eight key facial features is
one in one trillion
some of those facial features include
ear length circumference of your head
distance between the center of one pupil
to the other
that means that out of one trillion
people
there are just two that have those same
eight features
and keep in mind this doesn’t mean that
they’re absolutely physically identical
now when we think about that we also
kind of have to ask ourselves
well how many people have ever lived
well according to the population
reference bureau
they used 2019 data and they dug way
back into the fossil record
50 000 years to the first modern homo
sapiens
and the number they came up with was in
comparison
a measly 108
billion now those numbers are big and
abstract so
let’s put them into context we would
need 10
times the amount of people who have ever
lived on this planet
to equal that 1 trillion number
and that’s that that’s just based on
facial features
one of the most insignificant building
blocks of what makes us who we
are so just imagine the additional
differences
in things like body structure access to
nutrition
upbringing beliefs values relationships
that are possible
these stats are just the tip of the
iceberg
you are never working with the same set
of variables as
anyone else for any endeavor in life
because of this
you’re always working with a unique set
completely your own
and you know once you realize that it’s
impossible to compare yourself to anyone
else because you’re so
unique you can start focusing a lot more
on your own happiness
and your own race in life
and the cool thing about that is because
you’re the only one
running your particular race
you are guaranteed to win
that is what eloping your life can do
for you you can live a more fulfilled
life
and ultimately become the person who you
were meant to be in the process
and the thing about this is this whole
concept you don’t have to elope
on your wedding day in order to elope
your life
heck you don’t even have to get married
life is full of moments like weddings
where we’re constantly being told what
should be done
and we never stop and think and ask
ourselves
is this right for me you can choose any
moment
any opportunity to begin the process of
growth and self-discovery
so you might be thinking
sam how do i do this what are some
examples of ways that i can elope my
life without actually eloping on my
wedding day
i’m glad you asked i want to be able to
give some examples that are both
big and seemingly insignificant but no
less important
because we can truly elope our lives on
a variety of levels
the couples that you saw at the
beginning of this talk who eloped
one of them was scared to speak in
public and so they eloped their lives
by signing up to speak at a convention
on a topic they are passionate about
another they went back to school to
pursue a career
that they loved instead of the one that
was currently draining them
and another well she asked herself
man well what if what if i really want
to go see that new movie that came out
in theaters but
none of my friends can go spoiler alert
she realized she could still go see the
movie by herself
i eloped my life by eloping my hair
now real talk for a second i
long hair has always been sort of a
safety blanket
sort of defense mechanism for me and
when i was younger it was a given like
it was for a lot of girls that
pretty girls have long hair
now obviously i’ve still got some long
hair
but cutting it into a mohawk was really
nerve-wracking
and if you’ve had long hair for any
period of time and debated
chopping it all off y’all know exactly
what i’m talking about
now is this hairstyle changing the world
no but it might change the outlook for
one little girl who’s never liked long
hair or
the expectations that come with that
traditional gender role
and you know the possibilities are
endless
are you living in a location because you
love it there
or because of potential negative
blowback from family that you’d receive
if you decided to leave
elope your location
are you pursuing a career because you
love it
or is it because it’s the career that
you’ve always been told is the right
choice
or that’s what successful people do
elope your career
are you afraid to order that pizza on a
first date
and instead order a salad so you won’t
be seen as a little too over
indulgent elope your dinner
cut your hair get married
or don’t study the arts in college
be a football playing ballet lover
any decision you make ask yourself am i
doing this for me
or because it’s what’s expected
and bonus when you elope your life
and live authentically and
unapologetically
others are inspired to do the same
you can empower others to be their weird
quirky beautiful
brainy selves simply by showing them
that they can
and how is that for minimum effort
with maximum impact
i want to end by helping you guys take
the next steps and the first steps in
eloping your life
now let’s all take a moment and i’m
going to do it with you
take a moment to think about one thing
that makes you who you are
especially if it’s gone against some
norm or expectation
and when you have something raise your
hand don’t worry i’m not going to call
on you you are safe
got it good i want to tell you
right now that i already know
that i love that thing about you yeah
i see some smiles and everything out
there so with that reaction
you cannot tell me that you don’t also
love that thing about you
now how can you take that thing that we
both love about you
and transform it into an action that you
can use
to elope your life in some way
congrats you just took the first step
now continue to be proud of those unique
things about you
and listen to those pieces of you next
time that you’re confronted with a norm
or an expectation that
so desperately wants to fit you inside
of a box
that you just don’t fit in
and furthermore what is stopping you
from living every single day like that
whether it’s your wedding or not start
by reflecting inward
and asking yourself is this truly me
and then make today and every single day
going forward
the day that you make the decision
to elope your life
[Applause]
you