How Forgiveness Saved My Life
i was born in the beautiful country of
south africa we are known for our
diverse culture
our beautiful landscape our exquisite
wildlife
we are also known for our deeply
oppressive past
in 1991 i was born to my mixed race
mother
who was 24 and my incredibly handsome
african father who was 25 at the time i
did not know that i would only spend
nine months with my father
because shortly after i was born my
father was brutally murdered by an
apartheid assassin by the name of eugene
the [ __ ]
by the time i was nine years old i knew
what eugene looked like
and my mom had bought a book called into
the heart of darkness by jacques poe
on the cover of the book was a picture
of eugene
and inside i could never ever tell
because my mom would never reveal it to
me
however every time we had she’d asked me
to go get this book
and so i’d take the book to her and
whenever i’d leave the room i’d hear
people
crying or screaming so one day i wanted
to know what was in this book and what
page it was on
so i sat outside the door and i
eavesdropped and i knew it was a picture
of my dad
so one day when i had the opportunity i
ran to my mom’s room and i grabbed this
book
i sat at the edge of the bed and i
opened
and in the book was a picture of my
dad’s burnt body
clutching a steering wheel and his eyes
protruding
i quickly shut the book and threw it to
the back of the cupboard my eyes tearing
and my body shaking
i knew i couldn’t tell my mom because i
would get in trouble
but as the years went by i became
increasingly resentful
and depressed but i would gather
information about eugene to find out who
this man was
i would read articles such as he was
prime evil he was the assassin of the
state
and he had been sentenced to 212 years
in prison
on 89 charges yet this did not feel good
to me
i still felt angry by the time i’d
gotten to 16 i was so suicidal and i’d
engaged with death so many
times however one evening as i went to
bed i felt a severe pain in my chest
i rushed to my mom’s room and i said i
think i’m having a heart attack
she quickly took me to the hospital
where they kept me overnight for
observation
the next day the doctor asked to see my
mother and i
and he said to us in my over 20 years of
experience
i have never seen stress symptoms so
severe
in someone your age he followed with the
words
your body is killing you for
days after those words echoed in my mind
and for a long time i felt okay with it
however one day a thought crossed my
mind
and that thought was eugene killed your
father
and now you’re gonna let him kill you
out of sheer anger and frustration
i decided to try and live i look for
moments of joy and inspiration
and by the time i got to 24 i thought i
was doing it quite successfully
until one day i got home and my mother
said
i got a call from the national
prosecuting authorities
and they want to know if we’d like to go
meet eugene
those words struck me so deeply
i immediately said yes however as the
days went by we had many dinner table
discussions and trepidation
however when the day came we all went to
kotimampura prison in pretoria
i was expecting to walk through these
steel bars and this cold place
however we were led to where the staff
eat their dinner
it almost felt eerie because walking in
i felt like i was visiting an old
relative
it was antique furniture it was a long
dining room table
there was tea scones and biscuits
waiting for us
and as we situated ourselves by the
dining room table
my mom sat at the furthest end and then
it was the rest of my family and then i
was on the other end
there was the priest and empty chair
which eugene would occupy and the rest
of the mpa members filled the table
we were told that eugene would walk in
at any minute and the meeting would
start
so we continued our chit-chat amongst
ourselves i turned around
first and as though by magic eugene had
appeared
i looked at him and the priest saw the
look in my eyes
and he said oh let me introduce you
eugene has arrived
and he started with my mother and he
said that is sandra mama
widow of the deceased clinic masula mama
and eugene
leaned forward and said pleasure to meet
you and he leaned back
and with each and every one of us he did
the same thing
the priest asked what we’d like to ask
and my mom began the conversation
she said i want to know what happened to
my husband
eugene told us that he had sent an
ascari into my father’s camp
and that the ascari was feeding them
information and my father was one of the
people that was seen as radical
and someone who could actually implement
a lot of problems for eugene
and so eugene decided that he was going
to set up an ambush him and his team
and my father was told that he would
just need to transport three other
gentlemen from the party
into now spread and he would head back
home so my father of course agreed
and when my father was driving into nile
spread eugene the [ __ ] and his team were
waiting
for him as my father approached the nile
spray bridge
eugene’s team started firing at the
vehicle when eugene realized that my
father’s vehicle wasn’t coming to a stop
he ran down the nile spray bridge and he
emptied out his magazine cartridge on my
father
when he still saw signs of life in the
vehicle he does them all in fuel
and he set them alight after eugene ruth
told the story
my breath was taken away my mum
continued and she said
but why eugene why my husband
and he looked at us and he said for no
reason
it felt like someone had kicked me in
the stomach
my father died that day for no
reason as the conversation continued
i couldn’t say much i didn’t have much
to say to be honest
and then it returned back to my mother
and she said i forgive you eugene
and so my grandfather said it and my
brother said it and then it got to me
and i said you know eugene i want to say
i forgive you
but before i do i want to know one thing
and he looked at me and he said anything
what’s that
and i said do you forgive yourself
he looked away and he looked around and
he looked back at me and he said
every time a family comes here that’s
one question i hope they never ask me
he looked again and he dab the side of
his eye
and he said when you’ve done the things
i’ve done
how do you forgive yourself i began to
sob
and sob and sob in that moment and what
i realized was i wasn’t even sobbing for
myself
i saw a human being in front of me and i
realized we were both victims in that
moment
and he could never take away my pain nor
could i ever take away his
i followed by saying i forgive you
eugene
the priest is mr minting and i stood up
first
and i walked up to eugene and i said
eugene would you mind if i gave you a
hug
he looked at me a little shocked and he
stood up
and he held me tightly and he said i’m
so sorry for what i’ve done
and your father would have been so proud
of the woman you’ve become
we went our separate ways and i
advocated for eugene’s parole which he
later got
and people would come up to me and
they’d say you released the prisoner
that day. and i would smile
and i’d say no i released two prisoners
that day
one was eugene and the other was me
what i’d come to realize in that crucial
encounter in my life
was that eugene had control over 16
years of my life and i didn’t even
realize it
and so when someone hurts us yes they
hurt us once
but when we hold on to that story and
that narrative
it’s like they hurt us again and again
and again
and therefore they have power over our
lives we do not
and so when i forgave eugene that day i
truly
set myself free i was no longer candice
the victim to eugene the [ __ ]
i was canned as the victor i was candace
the survivor
and i was canned as the person who could
do anything because i had control
over my life do you have control over
yours thank you