How Forgiveness Saved My Life

i was born in the beautiful country of

south africa we are known for our

diverse culture

our beautiful landscape our exquisite

wildlife

we are also known for our deeply

oppressive past

in 1991 i was born to my mixed race

mother

who was 24 and my incredibly handsome

african father who was 25 at the time i

did not know that i would only spend

nine months with my father

because shortly after i was born my

father was brutally murdered by an

apartheid assassin by the name of eugene

the [ __ ]

by the time i was nine years old i knew

what eugene looked like

and my mom had bought a book called into

the heart of darkness by jacques poe

on the cover of the book was a picture

of eugene

and inside i could never ever tell

because my mom would never reveal it to

me

however every time we had she’d asked me

to go get this book

and so i’d take the book to her and

whenever i’d leave the room i’d hear

people

crying or screaming so one day i wanted

to know what was in this book and what

page it was on

so i sat outside the door and i

eavesdropped and i knew it was a picture

of my dad

so one day when i had the opportunity i

ran to my mom’s room and i grabbed this

book

i sat at the edge of the bed and i

opened

and in the book was a picture of my

dad’s burnt body

clutching a steering wheel and his eyes

protruding

i quickly shut the book and threw it to

the back of the cupboard my eyes tearing

and my body shaking

i knew i couldn’t tell my mom because i

would get in trouble

but as the years went by i became

increasingly resentful

and depressed but i would gather

information about eugene to find out who

this man was

i would read articles such as he was

prime evil he was the assassin of the

state

and he had been sentenced to 212 years

in prison

on 89 charges yet this did not feel good

to me

i still felt angry by the time i’d

gotten to 16 i was so suicidal and i’d

engaged with death so many

times however one evening as i went to

bed i felt a severe pain in my chest

i rushed to my mom’s room and i said i

think i’m having a heart attack

she quickly took me to the hospital

where they kept me overnight for

observation

the next day the doctor asked to see my

mother and i

and he said to us in my over 20 years of

experience

i have never seen stress symptoms so

severe

in someone your age he followed with the

words

your body is killing you for

days after those words echoed in my mind

and for a long time i felt okay with it

however one day a thought crossed my

mind

and that thought was eugene killed your

father

and now you’re gonna let him kill you

out of sheer anger and frustration

i decided to try and live i look for

moments of joy and inspiration

and by the time i got to 24 i thought i

was doing it quite successfully

until one day i got home and my mother

said

i got a call from the national

prosecuting authorities

and they want to know if we’d like to go

meet eugene

those words struck me so deeply

i immediately said yes however as the

days went by we had many dinner table

discussions and trepidation

however when the day came we all went to

kotimampura prison in pretoria

i was expecting to walk through these

steel bars and this cold place

however we were led to where the staff

eat their dinner

it almost felt eerie because walking in

i felt like i was visiting an old

relative

it was antique furniture it was a long

dining room table

there was tea scones and biscuits

waiting for us

and as we situated ourselves by the

dining room table

my mom sat at the furthest end and then

it was the rest of my family and then i

was on the other end

there was the priest and empty chair

which eugene would occupy and the rest

of the mpa members filled the table

we were told that eugene would walk in

at any minute and the meeting would

start

so we continued our chit-chat amongst

ourselves i turned around

first and as though by magic eugene had

appeared

i looked at him and the priest saw the

look in my eyes

and he said oh let me introduce you

eugene has arrived

and he started with my mother and he

said that is sandra mama

widow of the deceased clinic masula mama

and eugene

leaned forward and said pleasure to meet

you and he leaned back

and with each and every one of us he did

the same thing

the priest asked what we’d like to ask

and my mom began the conversation

she said i want to know what happened to

my husband

eugene told us that he had sent an

ascari into my father’s camp

and that the ascari was feeding them

information and my father was one of the

people that was seen as radical

and someone who could actually implement

a lot of problems for eugene

and so eugene decided that he was going

to set up an ambush him and his team

and my father was told that he would

just need to transport three other

gentlemen from the party

into now spread and he would head back

home so my father of course agreed

and when my father was driving into nile

spread eugene the [ __ ] and his team were

waiting

for him as my father approached the nile

spray bridge

eugene’s team started firing at the

vehicle when eugene realized that my

father’s vehicle wasn’t coming to a stop

he ran down the nile spray bridge and he

emptied out his magazine cartridge on my

father

when he still saw signs of life in the

vehicle he does them all in fuel

and he set them alight after eugene ruth

told the story

my breath was taken away my mum

continued and she said

but why eugene why my husband

and he looked at us and he said for no

reason

it felt like someone had kicked me in

the stomach

my father died that day for no

reason as the conversation continued

i couldn’t say much i didn’t have much

to say to be honest

and then it returned back to my mother

and she said i forgive you eugene

and so my grandfather said it and my

brother said it and then it got to me

and i said you know eugene i want to say

i forgive you

but before i do i want to know one thing

and he looked at me and he said anything

what’s that

and i said do you forgive yourself

he looked away and he looked around and

he looked back at me and he said

every time a family comes here that’s

one question i hope they never ask me

he looked again and he dab the side of

his eye

and he said when you’ve done the things

i’ve done

how do you forgive yourself i began to

sob

and sob and sob in that moment and what

i realized was i wasn’t even sobbing for

myself

i saw a human being in front of me and i

realized we were both victims in that

moment

and he could never take away my pain nor

could i ever take away his

i followed by saying i forgive you

eugene

the priest is mr minting and i stood up

first

and i walked up to eugene and i said

eugene would you mind if i gave you a

hug

he looked at me a little shocked and he

stood up

and he held me tightly and he said i’m

so sorry for what i’ve done

and your father would have been so proud

of the woman you’ve become

we went our separate ways and i

advocated for eugene’s parole which he

later got

and people would come up to me and

they’d say you released the prisoner

that day. and i would smile

and i’d say no i released two prisoners

that day

one was eugene and the other was me

what i’d come to realize in that crucial

encounter in my life

was that eugene had control over 16

years of my life and i didn’t even

realize it

and so when someone hurts us yes they

hurt us once

but when we hold on to that story and

that narrative

it’s like they hurt us again and again

and again

and therefore they have power over our

lives we do not

and so when i forgave eugene that day i

truly

set myself free i was no longer candice

the victim to eugene the [ __ ]

i was canned as the victor i was candace

the survivor

and i was canned as the person who could

do anything because i had control

over my life do you have control over

yours thank you