How to define your own success

[Music]

it’s

very unique to each of us but my simple

definition of success is

when you know what you want from life

and you’re actively pursuing it

let me say this again when you know what

you want from life

and you’re actively pursuing it let me

unpack the first part of this definition

a little bit

how do you even figure out what you want

from life it was josh billings who said

it is not only the most difficult thing

to know oneself but the most

inconvenient one too

your definition of success needs to

start with a deep understanding of who

you

are what your anchor in life is what are

you willing to sacrifice and for what

and as you think about this i would urge

you to ask three questions for yourself

number one what are the skills and

capabilities that you bring to

bring to life what is the value that you

bring to the world and not just today

what could it be

it’s not possible for the world to hold

a meeting and decide your value

that decision is yours you have to start

there number two

what does your peak look like leave lots

of room for

improvisation because we will learn we

will pivot we will change

we’ll all wander through lives but

having some sense of a not star will

give you direction

and number three what is the unique

outcome that makes

most sense for you in your life decide

your matrix

very very carefully and don’t just lived

on borrowed or social goals

it may very well change with the phase

you’re in life and as you evolve in life

but you have to be conscious and

specific about it otherwise you’re

trying to do everything for everybody

including yourself and in most cases

that leads to disappointment

i’ve seen many people in life many many

people in life who’ve lived their lives

climbing the ladder of success and once

they’ve reached the top

only to find that the ladder is leaning

towards the wrong wall

or in the case of this picture not

leaning anywhere at all

don’t be that person

so once you have a sense of what success

really means for you and what your

authentic and unique outcomes are and

what your matrix are

how do you make it happen is there

really a formula for success

and in full disclosure this formula that

i’m going to give you

is my nerdy take at what it takes to be

successful in life

i don’t recommend this is the only way

to do it but this seems to work for me

and i want to share it with all of you

success equals a growth mindset

purposeful engagement in learning the

depth and breadth of your relationships

constantly simplifying your life through

principles and habits

and having the courage to keep showing

up even when it hurts

all of this raised to the power of luck

now let me unpack each of these five

elements for you

growth mindset it starts with a growth

mindset and the fundamental premise of

the growth mindset is

that nothing is fixed nothing is carbon

in stone

who you are your intelligence your

learning capacity

your identity your emotions all of these

can be and need to be worked on all the

time

so be careful of the identity that

you’re developing and the stories that

you tell yourself

about what you’re capable of the key

here is the desire to evolve

and to get better every day this desire

is probably humanity’s most pervasive

driving force

but at times we do completely forget it

if you constantly remind yourself

life is growth an ongoing success can be

as meaningless as ongoing lack of

success

if you’re not constantly striving and

struggling for some goal worthy of you

and stretching yourself every day

purposeful engagement in learning now

you might argue that you know everything

that is there is that is there to know

about learning

but my submission today is that learning

is really misunderstood

the illusion of competence in learning

is more common than you and i think

i’m gonna give you my three ingredients

for real learning that worked for me

the first ingredient is focus in a world

full of distractions focus and

purposeful engagement is must for any

kind of learning

the question i ask myself every day is

that am i getting better at my craft

am i really getting better at my craft

and this really helps

me be a lot more purposeful a lot more

precise

and focused on what my learning needs

are focus is important because we only

see what we aim at

and the rest of the world which is

pretty much most of it is hidden

be careful what you’re really aiming at

because that’s all you’re seeing

number two a learning loop and this is

where deliberate practice really comes

in

learning is not about an odd book here

and there learning typically starts with

an experience

and by the way the more dramatic the

more diverse the experience it is the

better it is

you then move on to reflection this is

when you step back and think about what

you’ve learned

and you need to make the time and space

for it next comes abstraction which is

your ability to synthesize

and get to the real lesson or the so

what this is when you move in your mind

from hacks and

simple ideas to principles and mental

models

and then the fourth is action when you

really test your learning

and unless you constantly test the

nitrate on your thinking and you’re

learning

you’re not really learning the third

ingredient for learning

is zero intellectual insecurity zero

intellectual insecurity this is the

toughest one

the difference between sounding smart

and being smart

is i don’t know some of the sharpest

people i’ve known and i’ve worked with

use this phrase i don’t know all the

time and that shows humility and that

shows zero intellectual insecurity

remember it is impossible to get better

and look better at the same time

a mountaineer friend once told me are

you climbing the mountain to see the

world or for the world to see you

relationships let me tell you another

story and this is a personal story

one of my mentors many many years back

asked me to write down the

list of 10 relationships the 10 people

that that matter most to me

and the exact phrase my mentor used at

that time was who would you call punit

when you’re in real trouble

real trouble write down those ten names

so i took a piece of paper and

i wrote down the ten names that was easy

he then asked me to say listen draw two

columns against those ten names and

write two things against each of them

number one when was the last time you

meaningfully engaged with them

number two how are you adding value to

their lives

number one when was the last time you

purposefully and meaningfully engaged

with them and number two

how are you adding value to their lives

believe me this was a classic looking at

the mirror exercise

and i did not like what i saw out of the

10 in my list

there were only three that i was really

engaged with

and for one of them i was consciously

and proactively

adding value the irony here is

these are people these were the people

the 10 people who mattered most to me

and i would urge you to do i urge all of

you to do this exercise

it’s a great barometer for the depth of

your relationships and where you really

need to invest

the other thing that really matters

about relationships is the breadth of

your relationships

it’s not just the numbers right it’s the

diversity of your relationships

are you able to step out of your eco

chamber right and are you able to

have conversations with people who are

who have a fundamentally different view

of life people who will challenge you

people who will point out the blind

spots

as scott fitzgerald said the test of

intelligence is the ability to hold two

opposing ideas in your mind at the same

time

and still remain the ability to function

it’s really important to step out of

your echo chamber and have

have relationships and conversations and

and and these interactions with people

who are

thinking about life very differently

because that’s what makes you reflect

and think so have more serendipity in

who you meet

and how who you build relationships with

you’ll be surprised how spending time

with people outside your eco chamber

will stretch and stimulate your thinking

simplifying life now before i get to the

how on simplification of life

let me explain why why do you even need

to simplify your life why does it matter

our brains have severe limitations and

most of the time we don’t even realize

these limitations

our brains also indulge in this desire

of ours to see the world as black and

white

as and we excel at telling ourselves the

narrative of being in control because

quite honestly not being in control is

is uncomfortable as kids we loved

hearing stories

as adults we loved believing in them no

surprises i started this talk today with

a story

also given how life is becoming more and

more interesting and dynamic every day

some would argue it’s getting more and

more complex every day you need to be

able to focus your energy and mental

space on things that truly matter

are you going to use your mind to think

or are you going to use that as a

warehouse of facts

that’s a call you have to take now let’s

talk about

the how simplifying your life and to me

the toolkit has two parts

it starts with principles principles are

macro level beliefs

that guide hundreds of decisions for you

they allow you to live your life

according to your values

literally based on what you value in

life they’re not a roadmap or a plan or

a checklist

but they’re almost like a personal

constitution or a compass

i’ll give you a couple of examples to

bring this to life one of my personal

principles is frugality

but not on experiences frugality but not

on experiences

in other words i value and spend on

experiences over possessions

now this has dramatically simplified the

decisions i take when it comes to

thinking about buying the next new shiny

object it could be the next car it could

be the next gadget

and it really simplifies my thinking

because my principle is clear and

and this is what my value is at work one

of my work principles is

believe in myself but remember it is not

about you

and this is really helpful for me in two

ways number one

it allows me in fact it pushes me to

trust my gut

not second guess the decisions i take

not be tentative

feel entitled to the time and space i

have but the same time

as i continuously remind myself it is

not about me and i don’t need to take

things personally

it’s a big burden off my shoulders so

frame your own principles

and again you can frame them for your

work your personal life

they will evolve over time it’s a

nitration it’s a journey but please pay

attention to the things and the

decisions in life that make you most

uncomfortable

that’s where your principles will emerge

from don’t just lift and shift somebody

else’s principles

you can borrow ideas but you cannot

borrow conviction this has to come from

within

the other toolkit the other part of the

toolkit of simplifying life is habits

and one thing i’ve learned in 20 years

of working is there are no defining

moments of blinding insights

that will transform me what will make me

better

is small consistent improvements on a

daily basis so be

conscious about your daily habits are

they taking you in the direction of the

person you want to be

just show up this is the discipline of

not selling yourself short

and not giving up even if it hurts

and even when giving up seems easy and

the convenient thing to do

we give up and fire ourselves even

before somebody else can

for several reasons i’ll give you a

couple number one because

number one we give up because we are our

own worst critics

the greatest human weakness today is

self-replication

selling ourselves short the other reason

we give up is we hate operating in

uncertainty

it is surprising but you and i will

choose unhappiness over uncertainty

in several moments in life we will

choose unhappiness over uncertainty

that’s how terrified we are of of not

knowing where we are going

one thing i’m trying to learn every day

is the ability to be comfortable with

being uncomfortable

and this is a really really important

superpower for me

successful people are just like the rest

of us the big difference is they keep

showing up

in spite of the pain the uncertainty the

fears the self-talk the self-deprecation

they keep showing up they don’t give up

and i would suggest two things

to keep showing up in life and maintain

forward momentum number one

it is really important to not believe

everything you think

don’t believe everything you think who

are you beyond the stories in your head

what are the five stories you’ve been

telling yourself about yourself since

your childhood

write these down are these really true

number two action cures fear

next time you experience fear steady

yourself isolate your fear

pin it down and then take action

and finally remember it’s not just

enough to show up you have to show up

well

being enthusiastic is worth 25 iq points

it truly is

so life it up in everything you do your

handshake your smile your talk

believe me it will be noticed and will

make a difference

and success truly can be a flywheel as

each of these five components i’ve

spoken about

starting with a growth mindset

purposeful engagement in learning

relationships with the depth and the

breadth of it simplifying your life

constantly through principles and habits

and just showing up even when it hurts

all of these five

work as a virtual cycle and help you

build forward momentum

and as the flywheel spins up you’re

increasing the opportunities and the

surface area you have

for two things for learning which is

what you know and relationships which is

who you know

very early in my life one of my mentors

told me it is very difficult to fail in

life

if you do two things only two things

constantly learn new things

and build relationships and this

flywheel helps you do that

so that’s my simple formula for success

and i call it the success flywheel

how can we forget luck if you remember

my formula it was all of these five

things raised to the power of luck

i do believe luck has a disproportionate

impact on life but your life is too

important to be left to chance

there’s a way you can work your way

towards being luckier in life

and that’s where the success flywheel

comes in it helps you continuously

increase your luck surface area

and be prepared to get lucky if you’re

well prepared to be lucky

perhaps luck is more likely to find you

let me tell you one last story and this

is about joseph heller who’s the author

of the famous book catch 22 which many

of us have read

joseph was at a party once uh this was a

party being hosted by a billionaire

hedge fund manager

and somebody in the party got joseph and

said to him

do you know the host of the party which

is a hedge fund manager has made

more money in a single day yesterday

than you mr heller

have made with the earnings of your

wildly popular book catch 22.

hello paused for a minute and responded

he said yes but i have something

he will never have enough

i love this word enough most of us will

never feel successful enough or loved

enough or rich enough or fit enough

you can pick your category and the

highest we have on this heronic

treadmill will only last a day or two

it is always good to remind ourselves

that life isn’t fun without a sense of

enough

life isn’t fun without a sense of enough

i’ve used metaphors of

success and life being a ladder or a

mountain

but life isn’t a mountain which has a

summit it’s not a game with a final

score

life is an endless process of

self-discovery you can’t make joy and

happiness a goal

it has to be a practice it’s a choice

it’s a muscle that you develop and

exercise

every day going back to the elephant in

the room i’m sorry not the elephant in

the room

but the elephant in the camp you have to

think about this

right you can’t let your limiting

beliefs hold you back

from aiming high in life growing every

day but at the same time

you can’t let these beliefs these

limiting beliefs hold you back

from experiencing life and life is to be

found in the present moment

not in the future or the past it was

ariana huffington who said life is a

dance between making it happen and

letting it happen

and i hope and i really hope i made you

think a little differently today about

both these dances

i wish you all the best may you have the

courage

to define what you really want from life

actively pursue it

and never stop growing thank you

you