How to have and sustain adult conversations

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in 2018

my editor came to me and gave a

challenge

to me a really difficult challenge he

said

david you got to start thinking about

2018 projects

and i think it should be about civil

discourse now mind you

this had been just after a year of the

2016 presidential election

we had the most contentious presidential

election that i had seen in my lifetime

to that point

and suddenly my boss was asking for a

civility project

and i sighed and i think i said to him

how are we going to do this does anybody

care about civility anymore

and i think my thinking then was about

that polarized environment

as i look back at it then and look at it

today

maybe it’s because of the vitriolic

nature of comments

in a story or maybe it’s because of the

feuding on twitter

or the ad hominem attacks that you find

on cable news

but i believe there’s a space for public

disagreement

and we’re missing an opportunity if we

limit the way that we look at civility

to have those exchanges

so i’m very much for a concept known as

adult conversation

an adult conversation is where we have

these discussions in ways that we listen

to each other

we respect each other and we find some

common ground

we may not agree at the end of it but we

have that mutual respect

where relationships matter even if we

disagree

on certain parts of facts or solutions

so as we look at civility itself

i want to tell you a little bit of a

story that happened a few years ago

i was co-moderating an event at the

national public library with former

tennessee governor bill haslam

and he was talking about his higher

education policy it was at the end of

his term

and we had gotten wind that there were

going to be some protesters there

demanding clemency for cintoya brown

centoya brown was serving a life

sentence in prison for a murder she

convicted at six

when she was 16. and she also had a very

compelling story of redemption and

rehabilitation

and celebrities like rihanna took note

and were demanding her freedom

so after 45 minutes of discussion with

the governor

the first person who came up was one of

the protesters who took that moment a

young man he took that moment to make a

statement

and other protesters were shouting down

people who wanted to ask a different

question

and then things slowed down after a

while because even though they wanted

clemency for centolia brown

right then the governor wanted to

explain this process and you didn’t

commit to anything that evening

but he did explain what he was going to

do

in terms of how he thought about those

issues and they weren’t satisfied

so we ended the event early and he said

to me something

that i’ll never forget he said democracy

is messy you think about that democracy

is messy

that evening i went to twitter to look

at the conversation

and see what people were saying and i

was urging people to have patience

be patient something good is coming

but i was stiffly reprimanded in this

public square this was a very

contentious issue

an issue that people had very strong

opinions about

and in calling for patience while others

called for justice

i was very rightfully reprimanded but at

the time

i started thinking about who was being

in civil

was that were the protesters being

uncivil toward governor haslam

were the criticisms of me uncivil or was

i the guilty party

again that concept of democracy is messy

so civility comes from the the word the

root word in latin called kiwitas

and kiwitas is about the bond between

society and the citizen

not just the freedoms and the rights but

also the responsibilities

and we see kiwitas manifested in many of

our founding documents

including the declaration of rights of

the tennessee state constitution

article 1 section 1 states this that all

power is inherent in the people

and all free governments are founded on

their authority

and instituted for their peace safety

and happiness

for the advancement of those ends they

have at all times

the unalienable and indefeasible right

to alter reform or abolish the

government

in such manner they think proper think

about that

that’s powerful civility is not a

passive bystander

civility is now very active it’s in the

driver’s seat it calls for citizen

participation

it calls for being in the space of

public disagreement actively

in a way where you might be able to

build bridges where you look to find

respect and you look to have that

conversation

and i go back to that challenge that my

boss gave me and i worked with my team

to come up with this strategy called

civility tennessee

which was envisioned as a one-year

project with events

forums debates with candidates with

issues

talking about a variety of different

subjects in partnership with

universities in partnership

with the national public library and

other institutions and also to talk

about issues like

racism how do you have a conversation

about that that’s sustainable

a healthy one to talk about sexual

assault to talk about gun violence

to talk about transportation issues

since we had a referendum

on transit just that year the first

place i went to to talk about the

campaign outside of nashville

was mcminnville tennessee it’s about 80

miles east of nashville

in a rural community and very different

from what i was experiencing at the time

politically nashville is a blue dot in a

great red

sea in 2016 donald trump

won tennessee two to one hillary clinton

only received

a majority of the votes in three of the

95 counties

and i went to this local church that the

rotary club was holding its meeting

we had fried chicken and we had cherry

pie everybody was very pleasant

and then i gave my speech for about 10

minutes before somebody came and asked

me a very fundamental question

why should we trust you

why should we trust you and he asked

this question because he was skeptical

of journalists

skeptical of polling he was skeptical of

people who are coming in

parachuting in and telling him what

outcomes were going to be and not

listening

but to his credit and to my benefit he

let me answer the question

without insult or interruption without

attack

and i was able to talk about the

aspirations of civility tennessee

and talk about how we were planning to

talk to a lot of people have

conversations

both small and large to discuss the

issues

and to have good healthy solid debate

i was so moved by those words that i

have a picture with those words

why should we trust you at my desk as we

think about public disagreement

it’s really important that we think

about our role in

advancing those public debates and also

ensuring that the government

executes its mission to provide peace

safety and happiness to all citizens

we’re also building upon a legacy of

conversations that we had had before

this project

conversations with young american

muslims and gun owners

conversations with veterans on issues

like kneeling during the national anthem

and seeing diversity in their responses

i even organized a conversation between

a black conservative politician

and a liberal white gay activist at a

cracker barrel in south nashville

after seeing a social media post

envisioning so what such a meeting would

look like

and it’s important to keep the context

of stability in that public conversation

because it is about active conversation

it is about that kiwi tasks as we

discussed

and one of the very difficult things

right now in our environment is that

social media can be very vitriolic and

during this pandemic

many of us are using technology almost

exclusively

but we’ve had an advantage though we

have this closed facebook group for

civility tennessee

which has become a laboratory for

discussion and all we do is we ask

people who want to join we have 300

members so

far and growing three questions do you

want to join a group that pledges to be

a place

for respectful dialogue on difficult

issues are you committed to modeling

this civil behavior

and will you encourage others also to

act in a civil manner

we even take on philosophical questions

aside from the serious issues such as

covet 19 data releases and

transportation we had one question about

the nature of offense who should be

offended the person who offends

or the person who was offended

and i tell you this because these

conversations are very difficult

and what i love about this group is that

they model a conversation

it’s not always nice sometimes it can be

very tense

passionate people don’t speak the same

way people don’t react the same way

yet it’s a wonderful way to have a

discussion come together

and and really debate those issues of

the day in a meaningful way

i want to talk again a little bit about

this nature of the relationship of

stability because sometimes

civility can be between two people

people can be uncivil toward each other

but governments can also be uncivil

legislation that restricts human rights

or civil rights or the right to protest

is uncivil

elected officials and public policy

that’s presented with decorum

can be uncivil and in the same vein

protest in itself is a form of civility

and some of the things we consider as we

look to protest or advance an idea

are we doing things in a way that that

are effective

are we lobbying for legislation that

might be federal

at the state house we should be thinking

about what those strategies are

and thinking about whether or not we’re

creating a measure for us

to exchange and also to listen are we

open to those other conversations

i learned a hard lesson a few years ago

when i wrote a very unpopular opinion

about the singer kid rock

he was set to be the grand marshal of

the national christmas parade

but shortly before he went on national

television to call one of the co-hosts

of the view

the b word and i wrote a column saying

he does not deserve this honor of being

the grand marshal

thinking it was a rather uncontroversial

opinion and boy was i wrong

people were angry they were living the

internet exploded as they say

and i was skewered online and some

people called me the language police

and that was one of the kinder reactions

but it didn’t change my mind

and i dug in deeper but i contrast that

to the situation with the protesters at

the national public library

during the event with governor haslam

they were demanding justice though i was

talking about patience

and i was the one who was in the wrong

because i fell into the trap that dr

martin luther king jr identified decades

ago

where the call for patience is another

form of oppression

and when i decided to take a moment to

listen i decided to write

a new piece calling for immediate

clemency

for centolia brown because it was the

right thing to do

because the protesters were right

and a month later governor haslam used

his powers

to free her and she was to grant her

mercy and she was freed a few months

later

and i’m not saying this because i

influenced the governor in any way

i say this to denote the power of

civility even when it’s presented

in protest and today miss brown is

advocating

for other people with her amazing

stories a former human trafficking

victim

who is now speaking out for criminal

justice reform and social justice

so as we look at civility and we look at

the debates

around us i know that we’re in a very

polarized environment

we are living in a pandemic economic

downturn presidential election

a call for racial reckoning and social

justice and social media world is

just going crazy it’s hard but there’s

certain tips i want to share with you

having been in this space for a long

time that are helpful for me

to stay healthy and still keep engaged

and the first one is you know i don’t

engage in twitter feuds anymore

yes i’m responsive i believe in it’s

important to address information and

criticism

but the tit for tap back and forth just

isn’t helpful

and in place of that time that i spent

feuding i’m doing self-care activities

like learning how to play the guitar

like becoming a good cook and also

reading a lot more for pleasure

number two it’s important not to respond

with haste

it’s very easy to get worked up when you

see a text or tweet that angers you

but we can’t often see tone when we look

at that and research has shown and has

been replicated again again through

science and

psychological magazines that people when

they’re commenting on social media and

someone is not with them in person

they tend to have a lack of inhibitions

and that might make them snarky

or downright mean so there’s that to

consider

finally disengage you don’t have to deal

with trolls you don’t have to deal with

bullies

people have the option to block unfollow

mute

i personally have not unfriended or

blocked anyone in the last several years

i have used the mute button a few times

three times in fact over the last three

years

because of a pattern of harassment so i

have this message

up here about vote in the 2020 election

but before i do i just want to say

that civility is not about silencing

debate

and it’s not about abolishing the public

debate

and dissent it really is about having

that conversation

that we help lead and when we think

about civility in the context of

exchange

and a healthy democracy we’ve got to

envision a better future a better

society

and the society that i envision is one

where we

are informed and discerning citizens

where we reject

misinformation and disinformation

we think about having exchanges that are

honest and respectful

where we seek to debate and not debase

each other

it’s one where we’re active participants

in democracy

which means go vote and if you’re not

registered to vote go register

and if you need a mail in ballot and are

eligible go request one and send it as

soon as possible

and if you’re going to go vote in person

make your plan to vote early

or on election day have your mask abide

by social distancing

thank your poll worker vote only once

but make sure

to go vote this is your voice

and creating society takes a lot of

diligence it takes a lot of

effort it takes a lot of work

and yes it takes time

it takes heart and it takes courage

thank you very much

[Applause]

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