Mistakes we Make and the Practice of Selfforgiveness
when i was 16
i made a series of poor choices
that led to a really big mistake
and with that came feelings of deep
regret
shame guilt and deep deep sadness
i carry this emotional weight for years
and i allowed myself to allow this
mistake
to define me to determine my worth in
the world
i branded myself a loser damaged goods
flawed it has taken years to reconcile
with this
and to be at peace with who i was
and who i am
this is me at 16.
so what would it have been like had i
learned how to reflect on those mistakes
to let go of the emotional weight i was
carrying
and to look upon myself with curiosity
wonder compassion or understanding
essentially this would require me to
learn a lot about myself
to ask the questions that i haven’t yet
answered
so here’s my story and my journey
towards
self-forgiveness
it was a saturday night and i was a
freshman
i had just lied about where i was going
what i would be doing
who i was with a group of friends and i
had driven about 45 minutes from town to
the top of a grade that bordered
two small valleys there was a large open
area at the top where we stopped
we were all drinking after some time we
got back in the car
and headed down the steep gravel road
the music was screaming from the stereo
and our in our intoxicated laughter
filled the car
the driver suddenly made an abrupt turn
that flipped the car
upside down and sent us rolling down 160
foot
embankment i clearly
didn’t make curfew while my family began
to worry
and called around looking for me my body
lay motionless in an upside down car
in a very remote area several miles from
any houses
the scene was one of wreckage and chaos
several of us were badly injured
i briefly felt as though i was floating
above the wreckage
and able to view everything from above
several of my friends were crawling out
of the car
and others were thrown from the car and
were lying in different areas
along the hillside
a therapist later called what had
happened to me a near-death experience
and i shared with her this feeling of
being far away from
everything and everyone below but
somehow
calm and a part of something far
greater than myself
moments later i felt the air
fill my lungs again the interior of the
car
came into view or what was left of it
i could taste the blood in my mouth
and see the cold air leave as i exhaled
i began to shiver i heard one of the
boys i was with
say she’s alive she’s breathing and i
climbed out of the car
the earth smelled of sagebrush
and was damp from rain
my hair was full of dirt blood and
tumbleweed
my body bruised my face swollen
my eyes were black and blue
i had knocked out my front teeth broken
my nose suffered a concussion and would
later learn
that i had a kidney contusion
we were all so lucky to be alive
in one in one night the weight of
a few bad decisions would equate to
years of reconstructive surgeries
and emotional distress i would become
depressed while pretending not to be
would suffer the effects of ptsd
but wouldn’t know how to manage it for
several years
so i had experienced difficulties prior
to this event
my parents divorced when i was in the
third grade and my dad died of a sudden
heart attack when i was 15.
these were tough things no doubt
they were huge moments in my life and
they shaped my life i’m certain the poor
choices that i was making were connected
somehow and so when i pursued
a degree in counseling i began to make
those connections
i learned all the statistics that
children of divorce were more likely to
struggle academically
pursue destructive behavior have a low
self-esteem
and suffer from social and emotional
problems and children who experienced a
sudden death of a parent
were more likely to express depressive
symptoms
anxiety somatic complaints or
post-traumatic stress
mistakes are a part of our personal
journey
i know this now but i don’t wish for
anyone to take such
risks as i did to be held back by the
emotional weight
of their mistakes to question your
self-worth because of them
mistakes are meant to help us learn
about ourselves
and you can move forward and let go
you can learn to love your journey and
yourself while doing this
i am a part of something so much greater
than myself
when i sit across from students who who
have experienced
trauma i see them emerging becoming and
i wish for them to begin the process
of knowing themselves and learning to
love themselves
and their journey
does this mistake or poor choice define
who you innately
are we are so much more than the
mistakes we make
i began in therapy to write down
who i was and aim to be and i created a
list of things that mattered to me
i wrote down a list of attributes and
when it was hard to come up with one i
would take
time and then come back to the writing
table
because healing takes time
what would it like to let go of the
emotional weight you are holding on to
i drew pictures of this weight what it
looked like
felt like sounded like i wrote it down
and then began to share my thoughts with
people i trusted
i joined writing groups worked with a
therapist
reached out to those who would listen i
imagined who i would be without the
emotional weight
and i soon realized that i liked this
person
what choices am i going to make that
support me in a positive way
after the accident my mom kept me home
for a time
and i was silently relieved by this
i needed time and space to see that i
was not ready or responsible enough to
make good choices
i could not protect myself from myself
with time i learned to ask myself this
question
and in doing so made many good choices
along the way
learning to understand who i was and who
i hoped to become
despite many challenges help me forgive
and let go of the shame i had felt
this process allowed me to love who i
was and to enjoy the journey
a whole lot more thank you
and be safe