Mistakes we Make and the Practice of Selfforgiveness

when i was 16

i made a series of poor choices

that led to a really big mistake

and with that came feelings of deep

regret

shame guilt and deep deep sadness

i carry this emotional weight for years

and i allowed myself to allow this

mistake

to define me to determine my worth in

the world

i branded myself a loser damaged goods

flawed it has taken years to reconcile

with this

and to be at peace with who i was

and who i am

this is me at 16.

so what would it have been like had i

learned how to reflect on those mistakes

to let go of the emotional weight i was

carrying

and to look upon myself with curiosity

wonder compassion or understanding

essentially this would require me to

learn a lot about myself

to ask the questions that i haven’t yet

answered

so here’s my story and my journey

towards

self-forgiveness

it was a saturday night and i was a

freshman

i had just lied about where i was going

what i would be doing

who i was with a group of friends and i

had driven about 45 minutes from town to

the top of a grade that bordered

two small valleys there was a large open

area at the top where we stopped

we were all drinking after some time we

got back in the car

and headed down the steep gravel road

the music was screaming from the stereo

and our in our intoxicated laughter

filled the car

the driver suddenly made an abrupt turn

that flipped the car

upside down and sent us rolling down 160

foot

embankment i clearly

didn’t make curfew while my family began

to worry

and called around looking for me my body

lay motionless in an upside down car

in a very remote area several miles from

any houses

the scene was one of wreckage and chaos

several of us were badly injured

i briefly felt as though i was floating

above the wreckage

and able to view everything from above

several of my friends were crawling out

of the car

and others were thrown from the car and

were lying in different areas

along the hillside

a therapist later called what had

happened to me a near-death experience

and i shared with her this feeling of

being far away from

everything and everyone below but

somehow

calm and a part of something far

greater than myself

moments later i felt the air

fill my lungs again the interior of the

car

came into view or what was left of it

i could taste the blood in my mouth

and see the cold air leave as i exhaled

i began to shiver i heard one of the

boys i was with

say she’s alive she’s breathing and i

climbed out of the car

the earth smelled of sagebrush

and was damp from rain

my hair was full of dirt blood and

tumbleweed

my body bruised my face swollen

my eyes were black and blue

i had knocked out my front teeth broken

my nose suffered a concussion and would

later learn

that i had a kidney contusion

we were all so lucky to be alive

in one in one night the weight of

a few bad decisions would equate to

years of reconstructive surgeries

and emotional distress i would become

depressed while pretending not to be

would suffer the effects of ptsd

but wouldn’t know how to manage it for

several years

so i had experienced difficulties prior

to this event

my parents divorced when i was in the

third grade and my dad died of a sudden

heart attack when i was 15.

these were tough things no doubt

they were huge moments in my life and

they shaped my life i’m certain the poor

choices that i was making were connected

somehow and so when i pursued

a degree in counseling i began to make

those connections

i learned all the statistics that

children of divorce were more likely to

struggle academically

pursue destructive behavior have a low

self-esteem

and suffer from social and emotional

problems and children who experienced a

sudden death of a parent

were more likely to express depressive

symptoms

anxiety somatic complaints or

post-traumatic stress

mistakes are a part of our personal

journey

i know this now but i don’t wish for

anyone to take such

risks as i did to be held back by the

emotional weight

of their mistakes to question your

self-worth because of them

mistakes are meant to help us learn

about ourselves

and you can move forward and let go

you can learn to love your journey and

yourself while doing this

i am a part of something so much greater

than myself

when i sit across from students who who

have experienced

trauma i see them emerging becoming and

i wish for them to begin the process

of knowing themselves and learning to

love themselves

and their journey

does this mistake or poor choice define

who you innately

are we are so much more than the

mistakes we make

i began in therapy to write down

who i was and aim to be and i created a

list of things that mattered to me

i wrote down a list of attributes and

when it was hard to come up with one i

would take

time and then come back to the writing

table

because healing takes time

what would it like to let go of the

emotional weight you are holding on to

i drew pictures of this weight what it

looked like

felt like sounded like i wrote it down

and then began to share my thoughts with

people i trusted

i joined writing groups worked with a

therapist

reached out to those who would listen i

imagined who i would be without the

emotional weight

and i soon realized that i liked this

person

what choices am i going to make that

support me in a positive way

after the accident my mom kept me home

for a time

and i was silently relieved by this

i needed time and space to see that i

was not ready or responsible enough to

make good choices

i could not protect myself from myself

with time i learned to ask myself this

question

and in doing so made many good choices

along the way

learning to understand who i was and who

i hoped to become

despite many challenges help me forgive

and let go of the shame i had felt

this process allowed me to love who i

was and to enjoy the journey

a whole lot more thank you

and be safe