Our darkest times make or break us

i’ve been doing a lot of research

thinking what should i talk about

what is that that people might like to

listen to

honestly speaking i’m not a very

greatest thinker of all time i’m not

here to share any bright idea

i kept thinking i kept thinking that i

remember

i remember the story a story of a kid

seven years old

a story of how depression introduced

itself to a seven years old boy

so this is good evening to you all and

allow me

to take you on a journey back in time to

my childhood

and tell you how this depression

introduce itself to a seven years old

myself well

it’s very funny to talk about your

childhood it’s very peaceful time when

you think back in time

when you think about it it’s the most

beautiful time of year of your life

the most fragile time of all

and home is the only place where a child

feels safe

my sister and i had a

stable family for that i never had a

stable relationship with my parents

either

my parents were always fighting i never

had that

sushi type of thing in my life ever

they were not happy with each other they

never had a working marriage

so they they kept fighting

i think they reached on

on a point that they couldn’t bear each

other

so that’s what happened with us me with

my sister left alone

my parents only used to talk to each

other they were fighting and that’s

something

a child should never see i would

my i wouldn’t want my

so the landlord one day took the chance

i

typically it was never a home for me

where

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i wish i would tell you how i don’t

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lives nearby a home where i have nobody

to tell my story to

that what just happened to me i had no

one i didn’t know i

i just went straight into shower i put

water on myself

i kept doing that i never felt so

disgusted in my entire life

i was feeling scared

reason i’m telling you this is because

that

whatever childhood i had in my life i

couldn’t change

that now i kept that secret for last 20

years in my chest now i’m telling you

all this i never told this thing to

anybody

not even my mom

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you know fun fact or maybe a bit of fact

nobody’s gonna stay with you for life

long

eventually and it’s completely okay you

know

like i’m not blaming that people left me

my father left me i’m not blaming him

now it’s completely fine it’s his choice

his life

he can do whatever he wants to but

one thing i keep reminding myself that

i’m the only power i need

i’m the only supporter i ever need

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from that time it became a very hard

journey for me to cover

it’s anything to say

in my head i always imagine if i had a

father who would stick by me

just think by me forgetting teaching me

things just stick by me

i didn’t get that it’s okay i made my

peace with it

but let’s not be bigger about it

it was my destiny and i choose to

act on it now i didn’t have power then i

didn’t have power on my own choices of

my own life but i do that

now you always have a choice you always

have a power

things will get hard they will always

get hard

it’s up to you how do you react to them

i remember my days i used to abuse

myself standing in front of me

you know i used to judge myself if i’m

going wrong

i used to praise myself if i did

something right

i became my own cheerleader in that

matter

and that’s how i think everyone should

be expectations are the worst

i’m not saying it’s that bad to expect

you can expect human nature to expect

things but you should never rely on

anyone you should never ever rely on

depression stems out of the idea of

being alone the fear of being unknown

sometimes the guilt that people might

leave you

because of you and that’s the worst part

but then before we talk about that

here’s a little closer experience i

would like to share

so uh the show that i was doing back in

time

it didn’t do me much financial help i

couldn’t make much money from that show

i could barely pay my rents i would

barely

had enough money to eat food

so i remember once following my head of

production i was asking for my check

which was already delayed and

here i was calling him forgetting every

idea of self-respect i ever had

and if i won’t pay my rent this time sir

my landlord will kick me out my ass

i was hoping he would understand the

situation and will help me

give me what i deserve but i’ve been

working from last month he

told me it is not company’s

responsibility whether you live

on road or in your house

i was broke

i never felt so helpless in my life i

had work

but i had to worry and not having money

can

take you out of places from anything

i never had a lifestyle for that matter

if you see a lifestyle because i had no

money to even you know fulfill my little

uh what do you say daily things

that day i cried myself to bed

i used to be awake all night and think

where am i lacking

what is this what is that i’m not doing

correctly

what am i missing out am i not

hardworking enough i am

am i not dedicated enough towards my

career towards myself i am

then what is it i used to

try to find the answers from my own

and one day i spoke to myself if

nothing’s gonna happen for you if

nothing

if nobody’s gonna give you anything i’m

gonna let you make sure that i take it

from that place

the craving i had that i have to

end this misery i have to get me out of

this music that i am in

which is not even my fault nobody’s

fault actually your situations are never

your fault

you’re there now what are you going to

do

that matters

as i said earlier i used to criticize

myself a lot and that

have it still in me i always critize

myself

i think that’s the best thing i did to

myself

yes i praised myself time to time not

much

but that made me where i am today

solitude can give you

a great perspective in your life being

on your own

can be the most terrifying yet amazing

experience of your life

i think once in a lifetime every should

everyone

i was out of work for almost a year

i remember my days i’ll be telling you

that now

i had only 500 left in my bank account

i thought before i spent that money on

something i can’t take them

i took it out of atm and i divided into

my seven days

meal plan sounds stupid

money is really important

the lifestyle one might have

will come from the money the survival

will come off of course

with the money so with that seven meat

plans i had only

two things in my menu which was two eggs

and moment speciality the power

so all i had to eat was

that was my daily diet plan

i used to get you know scared

every day of my life

it’s really hard to count your blessing

when you’re going through such

disastrous time of your life it’s very

hard to keep yourself safe

what do you have to because what i’ve

learned from my life nobody’s

i realized that nobody was gonna give me

anything in my life

if i wanted something i had to make the

effort to get it

and left you feeling all depressed and

alone and again

lost doesn’t happen

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so i divided my meal plan i used to eat

my meals

there was days i had no money at all to

even eat food

my only stress was for the day okay how

am i gonna feed myself today

that is my only way from the moment i

wake up into the

moment which i was hardly sleeping those

days

i used to get calls for auditions

there was one opportunity that i always

figured okay

if i want to change my situation if i

want to change my scenario i have to do

something

for myself and what can i do for myself

it’s my work

the only thing i had left with my

confidence

which was frankly was going down at that

point

i used to get called for the audition i

used to go and teach

because each time i have to go for an

audition i have to skip my meet

because then i have no money to eat or i

have no money to travel

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i had done seven shows till then

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in my life it’s not that i was a

newcomer it’s not that i was

a person who would be afraid of camera

of being in front of camera

but i used to be nervous i used to be

really nervous

my hands would shake my lips wouldn’t

move

and since i was very hungry i couldn’t

speak much i wouldn’t speak louder

so

i think that’s the thing about your

doctor’s time it brings you down

it knocks you down and it will make sure

that you be on your

on your knees you didn’t make sure that

and that’s what not supposed to let it

happen

i said to myself this is the only chance

you will ever have

i took every audition of mine as it was

my last

chance and let me say this one more time

there are no second chance in life and

even if there are second chance you

shouldn’t

be relying on it because you don’t know

what might just go wrong

not from your end but maybe from

somebody else’s

i had to fight every moment every

situation i was in i had to fight myself

out i used to

i used to be now has a funny thing i

i didn’t have money to eat food but i

had

things which kept me going

maybe you call it my willpower

maybe it was something that kept me

going because i wanted to change my

situation

and i used to talk to myself

the misery not having money not having

work

having this constant worry in my head

how am i gonna pay the bill

my rent and

i talk to myself that i don’t deserve

this i deserve better than this

and that’s what you should be telling

yourself

whatever situation you’re in you deserve

better beyond

things aren’t going your way make things

more situation into your hand

sometimes when i used to go for the

audition i had to come back home

i used to be a little selfish for that

matter

thinking if i just walk from my place

from the place i was going for duration

to my place

i might be having some money left so

that i can eat at night and i would

sleep

and that’s not much but i used to walk

around seven kilometers a day

empty stomach so that i can feed myself

that one someone saw maybe one egg i had

left

but here’s the thing despite whatever

whatever happens in your life you are on

your own

you’re the only responsible person for

yourself if you’re in this world you’re

working

whether you like it or not you have

responsibility and the greatest

responsibility you can ever

take or act on is to take care of

yourself

if i couldn’t take care of myself how am

i supposed to take care of the people

who are in my life

what relationship i’ll ever be

successful in if i’m not in my

entire senses or forget senses

if i’m not happy with it how am i

supposed to make somebody else happy

but things like that you shouldn’t be

thinking about that only

it’s not about that forget making

everyone happy in this world

you don’t you’re not supposed to do that

you’re supposed to make yourself happy

whatever the situation is

i got work

at one point i did it wasn’t easy

even after getting work hard part wasn’t

over yet

i still had no money

i still had no food i used to come from

my shoot

till whenever my co-actor would drop me

i used to walk

to my home from that place i remember my

friend giving me food

in his home used to give me bread and

some some subs you know so that i could

eat

at night i used to eat that and i used

to cry

what my life what is going on in my life

when is this gonna end i’ve been doing

everything right i’ve been doing

everything correct i have got work

now where this situation is gonna come

to the end where i can see properly

one night i can sleep with my stomach

full of food

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there are times in my life where my

self-respect was at stake

even in that hardest part you should

never lose yourself entirely because if

you lose yourself there’s nothing left

and your entire world is you

never be afraid to take stand for

yourself

if you think what you’re doing is

absolutely right and you’re 100 right on

your part

stick to it people will tell you that

you’re not worth it

you’re not good enough it’s their

thinking

don’t listen to them don’t believe them

believe in yourself yourself

you’re better than that you’re better

than any birth situation going on around

you

you will overcome it now that i look

back in time

and now when i see somebody else going

through the same which i was facing at

once

i think to myself and i say to myself

you have yourself the only motivation

you will ever need

is yourself