Own Your Unapologetic Realness

[Music]

[Applause]

i think i want to be a junkie when i

grow up

said no one ever that wasn’t my dream

as a little girl but i spent 18 years

in the darkness of addiction meth

addiction

i was in and out of county jail until

2011

when i found myself being chased down by

the feds on a denver highway

i was being federally indicted

for conspiracy to distribute

methamphetamine

that’s my actual booking photo

talk about a wake-up call it took a few

weeks for my brain to clear

and for me to really understand how much

trouble i was in

which was a lot

and i just remember this feeling in my

soul

and it was whispering to me that there

was a better life

if i would just choose more for myself

and i held on to that still small voice

and i healed

and i worked hard and i changed my life

and by the time i was released from

incarceration i was

a changed woman

it took a few years for me to acclimate

myself to a clean and sober

lifestyle which suited me well i loved

being clean and sober more than that

though

i loved being clean and sober kara

and i i had

i had trouble i had trouble owning my

past though

i had a fractured self-image

and a deep fear of judgment and both of

those stood in the way

of me owning my background

which included countless incarcerations

decades of substance abuse

using drugs while i was pregnant with my

daughter

and now a federal prison sentence

and this is when i began to climb the

achievement ladder

you see i realized quickly that

achievement offered me grace for my past

and

people seemed to like and accept me into

their circles as i achieved so i

achieved

i filled every single day with the job

that i had

i also went to college i served on the

board of a non-profit

i fundraised for other nonprofits and i

belonged to so many groups that it was

exhausting trying to keep up with them

all

i even started training for marathons

thinking that if

i could have the personal discipline

that it takes to

train to run 26 miles i’d finally

be good enough i believe that if i

did enough i’d have value

it was non-stop doing instead of

centered and confident being

and then a seemingly random event

happened in my life

an executive from a corporation in new

york city offered me a role with their

company

it was very exciting but it meant

working remotely

and alone from denver i really thought

that it was my dream job

but when my home became my office

it actually became my prison

i was so used to having a structured day

filled with constant interaction

and affirmation from other people and

all of a sudden there were no

achievements

and no people in my day to day

working at home suits some people but

for me i had never done it before

i had no idea what to expect

the isolation of living alone and

working from home

led to a familiar darkness that i had

not known in many years

i see now that change in isolation shows

us

very quickly where the cracks are

i had been clean and sober for

over eight years and i relapsed

first on alcohol and then with meth

i had focused so much on projecting this

confident image to people that when my

quicksand self-image dissolved

i relapsed and i didn’t want anybody to

know about it

my identity and my branding was built on

being clean and sober cara and i had

spent eight years

showing people that those of us who

struggle with

substance abuse and previous

incarceration have value

beyond statistics and stigmas

have you ever been so ashamed of

something from your past that you either

tried to shove it down like it never

happened

or you thought you could achieve your

way out of its shadow like me

as part of my achievement-based

lifestyle i had begun training for the

new york city marathon when i began this

period of isolation that ultimately led

to my relapse

while i was stitching myself back

together

in a rehab facility i had a decision to

make

do i keep training for this race or not

and not much else made sense in my life

at the time so

i kept training and days turned into

weeks and months and

race day finally arrived and i flew to

new york city

it was so glamorous i

was running the new york city marathon

like oh my gosh in the morning of

everybody’s taking the the ferry down to

staten island and i joined him

and i looked out at all the other

runners when we got to the to the island

and i wanted to be invisible

what if the other runners knew that i

had relapsed on meth a few months prior

runners don’t relapse on meth i told

myself

and then i had one of those profound

spirit moments

that when they happen you know that it’s

god’s voice

and he is either speaking to you or

through you

and i realized what i was ashamed about

is what actually gave me true identity

you see our stories they define

our authentic identities and my story

included all kinds of things

i wasn’t proud of years

spent in and out of jail a prison

sentence

this relapse every

single part of my story is beautiful and

it’s unique to me

just like every single part of your

story is beautiful and unique

to you

and this is when i decided to choose to

live my life

unapologetically real what does that

mean

it means to the best of my ability

i show up in my authentic skin and not a

safer projected version of me

it means that i embrace all the

imperfections from my past

especially the ones that i don’t want

anybody to know about

it means that i love myself and i give

myself grace for being a human

i may or may not have been the only

runner that day who relapsed on meth

during training but i can tell you one

thing for sure

i was a flawed human being out there

about to run my heart out with other

flawed human beings

and i finished that race

loving my flawed self

i made the commitment that morning on

staten island to heal my identity

and my self-image so i could

finally embrace my past

embrace my flaws and embrace

my unapologetic realness

what are the stories of your past that

you don’t want anybody to know about

are you tired of hiding i know i was

what if we loved ourselves so much

that the fear melted away can you

imagine a world

where we can embrace our stories and

share our truth

the world needs our stories now more

than ever and what we think are the

worst parts about us

are truly the most beautiful parts and

if we would have the courage to share

them would help others on their

journey to embracing their authentic

identities

what’s the first step what is the first

step in us owning our unapologetic

realness

it’s permission it’s permission will you

give yourself permission today

to let your soul your body and your mind

know to the core of your

being that every single one of your

stories from the past

is not something to hide in shame but to

embrace

and to share when we open up ourselves

and we share the real stuff

that’s when life goes from disassociated

and lacking connection

to deeply connected and real

i know it’s scary

i know it’s scary but i have been in a

literal prison behind barbed wire

fencing

and a prison that existed solely in my

head and in my heart

and i can tell you that owning my

unapologetic

realness and standing in my truth

it’s the most free i have ever been

will you join me in becoming real

[Music]

unapologetically

real thank you

[Music]

you