Perhaps you are normal

[Music]

[Applause]

i’m so happy

i’m so satisfied life is so good life is

so great

and everywhere i see i see happy people

i see successful people and i know why

life is easy life is good

i’ve told my kids the fairy tale a

thousand times

good things happens to good people

and we can expect life to be fair and we

can even expect to meet the right person

and live happily ever after it’s the

least we can expect

it’s normal it’s normal to have a happy

and satisfying life isn’t it

or is there someone here not perfectly

happy

not perfectly satisfied

well i guess that would be kind of

difficult then

feeling sad among the happy ones

and actually this is a case for a lot of

people now and this is especially on the

rise

for young people and this talk is about

that

how we need the wind of change and how

we talk about life

and expectations from life to ourselves

and our youngsters

because small problems luxury problems

drive them into serious anxiety

depression and even suicide

when you expect to be happy it’s

expected from you to have a happy

life and you can’t get it right you

start

asking yourself questions what am i

doing right

what am i doing wrong why can’t i seem

to be

satisfied what’s wrong with me have you

ever said that

it’s kind of strange with us people we

only seem to value things

two times in life before we get it

and after we lost it

how come how come

a lot of you have fantastic jobs you

worked hard

to get the job you applied for a job and

you maybe you celebrated when you got

tired

but i see you now on your way to job and

i don’t see you celebrate inside the car

aloft though you have fantastic partners

you fell in love

you were happily married but are you

living happily ever after

actually married with children was a

comedy with al bundy

remember and we all understood the joke

this is like being a ted talk or you

dream of it

but when you’re announced you’re proud

but do you think the guys backstage is

loving it right now but afterwards it

was the best ever

this is kind of a tragedy because we are

always living

right now why can’t we be satisfied with

what we have

right now well

when we want to understand something

it’s a good thing to investigate what it

is

and what are we we are homo sapiens

we are hunter-gatherers and actually

we know a lot about our hunter-gatherer

history

we know it was a constant battle for

survival and

only the best hunter gallery survived

and we can actually compare campsites

from homo sapiens and the more lazy

relaxed

homo rectus which lived at the same time

and competed over the same resources

and we can see that it seems as homo

sapiens

had a productive paranoia a drive

that made them evolve new tools new

weapons

new hunting techniques at a much higher

pace than homo rectus

it seems like homo sapiens never were

satisfied with what they have

and we can understand the logic because

those who are too happy and celebrated

for long for too long

that catch and dinner of the day they

may have starved tomorrow

and those who were really satisfied oh

this is good enough

they might not have survived winter and

those who were wandering around

quite happy might more often be killed

by lions than the worried ones

but we have to remember we have the same

instinct in us today

don’t be satisfied want something more

watch out we who in 2020

are chasing happiness are not made for

being happy

we’re not made for being satisfied and

celebrate celebrate what we have

we have to know that this is kind of the

effect we have

or else we are at risk for being

depressed the same genes

that made us survive for 200 000 years

can now make us depressed

how come this paradox is such a kept

secret

i think one of the reason is that when

we think we’re doing something wrong

and we look for a quick fix we are very

good consumers

we buy new house we buy a new car

we get a new hospin we get a new job we

even get a new nose

but it will not fix the problem because

the challenge is

hunter-gatherer jeans hunt together

instincts telling you

don’t be satisfied with what you have

get something more get something better

get something new

when i think of all the challenges and

problems

of my patients i think i can sum it up

in one sentence and it’s quite

accurate the sentence is

i’m not as fill in what suits

as i thought i should be there’s a

deficit between expectation

and what they perceive as reality

when you expect to be happy and you

think everyone around you is happy it’s

kind of stressful

when you can’t get it right like trying

to sleep at night

and you think everyone else is sleeping

like babies it enhances the problem

it creates negative stress and this

negative stress is actually the

challenge

not the problem not the situation i see

this

close up all the time people with same

kind of problem

totally different outcome and the

outcome is often decided from the

questions asked in in a dialogue

so please be aware of the question you

ask in your inner dialogue

if you ask what’s wrong with me

hunter gather brain will start work on

that question and

we’ll find answers

so we have to be aware what am i saying

to myself

the scientists who work on this they

call it depressive rumination

and they can document that the stress

for believing that there is something

wrong with you

actually leads to self-fulfilling

prophecies

believing you are sick can lead to

sickness

and we all understand it’s kind of

depressive to think

there is something wrong with me i’m

doing something wrong

what burns us out in 2020 is seldom hard

work

it’s the constant questioning constant

rumination

about our life and ourselves is

this good enough am i good enough

hunter-gatherer brain is likely to

answer no

because our instinct is do something

more

get something new so we have to

understand this

or else we are at risk at ruin our life

chasing happiness so desperately

that it actually ruins a life that could

have been quite good

because you get another new house an

even

younger wife and even bigger more

expensive car

and not only the nose but also the

breasts and new tattoos

of course but it will not fix the

problem

cracking this code and understand it’s

hunter-gatherer brain

it’s hunter-gatherer instincts that

makes it difficult to be satisfied

that will might make a life this

decisive change

so we need to get into coping mode

we have to understand that this is

expected

this is normal because then we can

prepare

we can prepare i promise you

it’s impossible to change your instincts

and it’s very difficult to decide what

to feel

because we are not robots but it’s

possible to change

your attitude against negative feelings

so we can understand that this is normal

and we can prepare how to cope with it

like bad breath

we brush our teeth like understanding

that we have bad night vision so we

we it bring a light when we go out at

night

we don’t see the doctor because we sweat

oh doctor i’m sweating no we know it’s

normal we prepare

we shower we use deodorant same thing

with

negative thoughts devaluation of our

life

we have to understand it’s normal and we

have to have

coping strategies do work out do

mindfulness

see friends eat chocolate whatever is

your cup of tea

but you have to work hard to

have some happiness and some

satisfaction in your life

because you are a hunter-gatherer so

when you come home from work

hungry and tired and you want to sell

your kids

to the circus maybe kill your husband or

wife

and burn the house remember

you’re a hunter it’s normal

so don’t use time on bad conscious for

feeling that way

but you have to cope with it because you

can’t burn down the house

but you have to have coping strategies

we have to learn this to our youngsters

what are we learning them down nowadays

first of all

we protect them from everything that is

uncomfortable

smart get a preparation for life then

and then we tell them you can expect to

be happy and satisfied

and third when we send them out to study

or work

maybe we even buy them a flat and we

think

hope she will be satisfied hope

he will be happy please

you have to be wiser we have to

understand you have to tell your kids

yourself being a hunter-gatherer you

have an

instinct for not being satisfied and

happy so if you

want to achieve some satisfaction

happiness

you have to have a strategy you have to

work on it every day

changing your questions and inner

dialogue is to my experience

something that makes an enormous

difference and this is free

you just be prepared

it’s going to try to sneak in what’s

wrong with me i hate my life

even though i have everything i wish for

i know i have nothing to complain about

i still can’t be happy it’s going to

enter your brain

be prepared and say perhaps this is

normal

perhaps i’m normal it’s a much better

starting point

for coping with being a hunter-gatherer

in 2020

okay thanks for listening

i wish you all a perfectly normal

not perfectly satisfying rest of the day

and rest of your life good luck

you