Perhaps you are normal
[Music]
[Applause]
i’m so happy
i’m so satisfied life is so good life is
so great
and everywhere i see i see happy people
i see successful people and i know why
life is easy life is good
i’ve told my kids the fairy tale a
thousand times
good things happens to good people
and we can expect life to be fair and we
can even expect to meet the right person
and live happily ever after it’s the
least we can expect
it’s normal it’s normal to have a happy
and satisfying life isn’t it
or is there someone here not perfectly
happy
not perfectly satisfied
well i guess that would be kind of
difficult then
feeling sad among the happy ones
and actually this is a case for a lot of
people now and this is especially on the
rise
for young people and this talk is about
that
how we need the wind of change and how
we talk about life
and expectations from life to ourselves
and our youngsters
because small problems luxury problems
drive them into serious anxiety
depression and even suicide
when you expect to be happy it’s
expected from you to have a happy
life and you can’t get it right you
start
asking yourself questions what am i
doing right
what am i doing wrong why can’t i seem
to be
satisfied what’s wrong with me have you
ever said that
it’s kind of strange with us people we
only seem to value things
two times in life before we get it
and after we lost it
how come how come
a lot of you have fantastic jobs you
worked hard
to get the job you applied for a job and
you maybe you celebrated when you got
tired
but i see you now on your way to job and
i don’t see you celebrate inside the car
aloft though you have fantastic partners
you fell in love
you were happily married but are you
living happily ever after
actually married with children was a
comedy with al bundy
remember and we all understood the joke
this is like being a ted talk or you
dream of it
but when you’re announced you’re proud
but do you think the guys backstage is
loving it right now but afterwards it
was the best ever
this is kind of a tragedy because we are
always living
right now why can’t we be satisfied with
what we have
right now well
when we want to understand something
it’s a good thing to investigate what it
is
and what are we we are homo sapiens
we are hunter-gatherers and actually
we know a lot about our hunter-gatherer
history
we know it was a constant battle for
survival and
only the best hunter gallery survived
and we can actually compare campsites
from homo sapiens and the more lazy
relaxed
homo rectus which lived at the same time
and competed over the same resources
and we can see that it seems as homo
sapiens
had a productive paranoia a drive
that made them evolve new tools new
weapons
new hunting techniques at a much higher
pace than homo rectus
it seems like homo sapiens never were
satisfied with what they have
and we can understand the logic because
those who are too happy and celebrated
for long for too long
that catch and dinner of the day they
may have starved tomorrow
and those who were really satisfied oh
this is good enough
they might not have survived winter and
those who were wandering around
quite happy might more often be killed
by lions than the worried ones
but we have to remember we have the same
instinct in us today
don’t be satisfied want something more
watch out we who in 2020
are chasing happiness are not made for
being happy
we’re not made for being satisfied and
celebrate celebrate what we have
we have to know that this is kind of the
effect we have
or else we are at risk for being
depressed the same genes
that made us survive for 200 000 years
can now make us depressed
how come this paradox is such a kept
secret
i think one of the reason is that when
we think we’re doing something wrong
and we look for a quick fix we are very
good consumers
we buy new house we buy a new car
we get a new hospin we get a new job we
even get a new nose
but it will not fix the problem because
the challenge is
hunter-gatherer jeans hunt together
instincts telling you
don’t be satisfied with what you have
get something more get something better
get something new
when i think of all the challenges and
problems
of my patients i think i can sum it up
in one sentence and it’s quite
accurate the sentence is
i’m not as fill in what suits
as i thought i should be there’s a
deficit between expectation
and what they perceive as reality
when you expect to be happy and you
think everyone around you is happy it’s
kind of stressful
when you can’t get it right like trying
to sleep at night
and you think everyone else is sleeping
like babies it enhances the problem
it creates negative stress and this
negative stress is actually the
challenge
not the problem not the situation i see
this
close up all the time people with same
kind of problem
totally different outcome and the
outcome is often decided from the
questions asked in in a dialogue
so please be aware of the question you
ask in your inner dialogue
if you ask what’s wrong with me
hunter gather brain will start work on
that question and
we’ll find answers
so we have to be aware what am i saying
to myself
the scientists who work on this they
call it depressive rumination
and they can document that the stress
for believing that there is something
wrong with you
actually leads to self-fulfilling
prophecies
believing you are sick can lead to
sickness
and we all understand it’s kind of
depressive to think
there is something wrong with me i’m
doing something wrong
what burns us out in 2020 is seldom hard
work
it’s the constant questioning constant
rumination
about our life and ourselves is
this good enough am i good enough
hunter-gatherer brain is likely to
answer no
because our instinct is do something
more
get something new so we have to
understand this
or else we are at risk at ruin our life
chasing happiness so desperately
that it actually ruins a life that could
have been quite good
because you get another new house an
even
younger wife and even bigger more
expensive car
and not only the nose but also the
breasts and new tattoos
of course but it will not fix the
problem
cracking this code and understand it’s
hunter-gatherer brain
it’s hunter-gatherer instincts that
makes it difficult to be satisfied
that will might make a life this
decisive change
so we need to get into coping mode
we have to understand that this is
expected
this is normal because then we can
prepare
we can prepare i promise you
it’s impossible to change your instincts
and it’s very difficult to decide what
to feel
because we are not robots but it’s
possible to change
your attitude against negative feelings
so we can understand that this is normal
and we can prepare how to cope with it
like bad breath
we brush our teeth like understanding
that we have bad night vision so we
we it bring a light when we go out at
night
we don’t see the doctor because we sweat
oh doctor i’m sweating no we know it’s
normal we prepare
we shower we use deodorant same thing
with
negative thoughts devaluation of our
life
we have to understand it’s normal and we
have to have
coping strategies do work out do
mindfulness
see friends eat chocolate whatever is
your cup of tea
but you have to work hard to
have some happiness and some
satisfaction in your life
because you are a hunter-gatherer so
when you come home from work
hungry and tired and you want to sell
your kids
to the circus maybe kill your husband or
wife
and burn the house remember
you’re a hunter it’s normal
so don’t use time on bad conscious for
feeling that way
but you have to cope with it because you
can’t burn down the house
but you have to have coping strategies
we have to learn this to our youngsters
what are we learning them down nowadays
first of all
we protect them from everything that is
uncomfortable
smart get a preparation for life then
and then we tell them you can expect to
be happy and satisfied
and third when we send them out to study
or work
maybe we even buy them a flat and we
think
hope she will be satisfied hope
he will be happy please
you have to be wiser we have to
understand you have to tell your kids
yourself being a hunter-gatherer you
have an
instinct for not being satisfied and
happy so if you
want to achieve some satisfaction
happiness
you have to have a strategy you have to
work on it every day
changing your questions and inner
dialogue is to my experience
something that makes an enormous
difference and this is free
you just be prepared
it’s going to try to sneak in what’s
wrong with me i hate my life
even though i have everything i wish for
i know i have nothing to complain about
i still can’t be happy it’s going to
enter your brain
be prepared and say perhaps this is
normal
perhaps i’m normal it’s a much better
starting point
for coping with being a hunter-gatherer
in 2020
okay thanks for listening
i wish you all a perfectly normal
not perfectly satisfying rest of the day
and rest of your life good luck
you