Redefine your Life with Meaning Following Profound Adversity

[Music]

[Applause]

let’s address

the elephant in the room i am quite

possibly the best ventriloquist

that has ever graced the tedx stage

watch closely during this talk i

guarantee

that you will not see my lips move

fortunately for you that will be the

last

joke that i tell i am not your typical

tedx speaker

i can speak and work independently

through the use of a gays technology

if i did not of this technology my voice

would be trapped in thought

speaking to you today as a mcmaster

university tedx speaker represents a

full circle moment for me

thirty years ago i started my family

medicine residency at mcmaster

university

at that time i was excited and eager to

become a great physician

i thought that my future was limitless

i was mistaken this leads me to ask you

to ponder the question

what would you do if everything that you

identified within your life disappeared

your career your health and most

importantly your future dreams

fourteen years ago i was a healthy and

loving husband and father

and a respected physician als

struck without warning and i instantly

became a person with a terminal

illness i knew that eighty percent of

people pass from this illness within

five years of diagnosis

but not before losing the use of all

their voluntary muscles

including the muscles that enable us to

breathe

with the unconditional love and support

of my wife

and three sons i accepted this fate

and adapted to my ever-changing

abilities with determined purpose

fortitude and kindness

i took solace in my belief that i had

taken the proverbial bullet

for my family i believe they would be

protected from

further tragedy i was mistaken

on a clear beautiful afternoon five

years ago tragedy struck again

my 21 year old son zach

and his beloved girlfriend kia suddenly

passed in a freak accident

these losses sent me and my family as

well as guide his family

into the deep abyss of profound grief

this tragedy broke me open the story i

share with you today is one of

resilience

my family’s story is one of rising from

unimaginable depths to fine meaning

stories of resiliency have a powerful

impact on inspiring others through the

provision of hope

this is my purpose for sharing our story

we will all face adversity in our lives

many of us will face tragedy

the past year of living in a pandemic

has highlighted this universal truth

when adversity strikes it can leave you

feeling broken

hopeless and untethered whenever a heart

is broken

and a person’s life can be divided into

the before and after

profound adversity has occurred the

renowned grief therapist david kessler

made this relatable by saying the worst

loss is always

your own loss it is important to make

clear that if i had the choice to avoid

these horrific losses i would have been

a heartbeat

like most adversity the choice of

whitaker’s is beyond our control

no matter how much we want to believe

that we can prevent

any harm from entering our lives

we now had to grapple with the

unimaginable losses of our vibrant

and healthy son and his beautiful

girlfriend

the loss of a child devastates any

family

mine had to also deal with the

pervasiveness of my

als deep grief ravishes the body

mind and soul like no other human

experience

fortunately we had courageous friends

and family members

who despite their own grief were willing

to hold the sacred space with our family

i knew that a big part of our survival

would be

contingent on how we chose to respond to

our tragedies

i knew while in our deep grief that we

had to try to make peace with our

unspeakable losses

we had to find a reason to keep living

when we faced als our sons were our

primary focus

and the reason for seeking to still live

a meaningful life

our sons would remain our reason to seek

a path toward healing

we knew we needed to limit this tragedy

so that it would not propagate

into their future lives we had heard

stories of parents retreating in pain

upon the loss of their

child adding further despair to their

family unit

these served as cautionary tales

we also knew healing our family would be

the best way

to honor zach and kaya this

path would require tremendous work from

all of us

but first to emerge from profound

adversity

and allow the healing to begin

one needs to hit rock bottom

and allow time for the brokenness one

needs to turn

toward the pain rather than resisting it

this eventually leads to finding

strength

recovery and healing as one moves toward

acceptance

the grief journey is unique to each

person

reaching acceptance is a great challenge

let me be clear acceptance does not mean

that you are ever okay with what has

happened or that it is ever fair

it quite simply signifies a willingness

to move toward a healing

path healing can only truly begin when

one releases their focus on the what was

and move toward accepting what is

experience has shown me that not

everyone chooses

or feels capable of finding the strength

to move toward healing

although not often framed as a choice

it is a choice to hold on to feelings of

anger

bitterness resentment and hopelessness

addictions and other avoidant coping

strategies are common when one gets

trapped in the depths of their

adversities

the negative consequences of not being

able to work through

traumatic life events are often felt

throughout a person’s lifetime

good relationships and the timely

provision of necessary resources

such as the provision of medical and

counseling support

are greatly beneficial for building

resiliency

and preventing future health problems

the act of choosing to heal from

adversity opens the possibility for

light to re-enter our lives

the goal being to reclaim peace meaning

and eventually joy and begin the

lifelong journey of healing

once you have accepted loss how do you

make the huge step towards healing from

adversity

and redefining your life with meaning

i would like to tell you that time heals

a broken heart

unfortunately the truth is you will not

truly make peace with adversity and loss

until you decide to do the active work

towards healing

to do this effectively you will need to

build your own unique tool

box this will contain a multitude of

helpful strategies

for us these include self reflection

reading talking about our losses taking

comfort

in the shenanigans of our pup

mindfulness practices

redefining spiritual beliefs exploring

mediumship

and journaling my grief journal

in which i share my inner thoughts on my

losses

and newfound teachings became my

published memoir

still life writing enabled me to fully

express

my life with als and my life as a

bereaved father

most importantly it has provided an

example of finding a way out of despair

towards resiliency hope and purpose

i have discovered that i can reduce my

suffering by noticing negative thought

patterns

quickly once i observe these

i try to limit my time in this space

i have learned to be grateful for the

abundances in my life

instead of being angry about the

scarcities

healthy self-definitions are essential

for me

i have come to realize that i am so much

more than my physical abilities

with regular practice all of these

learned behaviors have become

habits as you accept and move forward

from loss

you must remember that grieving from

profound loss is not a linear process

setbacks are inevitable with work and

time

the depth of grief and the frequency of

overwhelming grief will lessen

eventually you will discover that you

can hold the feelings of sadness and joy

at the same time i believe that

when this has occurred you have made

peace with your adversity

and can truly do meaningful things

without them taking from your being

many people believe that they have one

meaning

or purpose in their lives to fulfill

i believe that these are constantly

manifesting in our lives

when we are at peace and are open to

them

i would not be here today sharing my

experiences

without this belief a lot of purposes

have begun from adversity and

loss terry fox and his marathon of hope

and the ice bucket challenge are

wonderful examples

both started from adversities and when

they began

expectations were small it is

astonishing

how often small seeds of kindness

proliferate

i have seen some personal seeds find

root

because of kindness shown to me and my

family

these include our hugely successful

community walk to nals my kind medical

school

class for choosing to establish a legacy

project to fund medical research into

neurodegenerative diseases

and zac and kyle’s resiliency foundation

which provides scholarships to youth

who have shown resilience following the

passing of a loved one

i am so grateful that zach and kaya and

my family can inspire these acts of

kindness

we are not alone in trying to make good

things occur following tragedy

adversity and loss shine a light on

societal problems which have been too

often left in the dark

i have found that often small acts of

kindness have the largest effect on a

society

these are often so small that we do not

realize

that we are doing anything special

little things

such as a kind gesture a phone call

or taking the time to really listen to a

person

are easy for most people and can affect

others immensely i know that my families

and my own adversities will never go

away

every day has its challenges and we are

still living within the confines of a

physically disabling

terminal illness truthfully some days

we feel forever lost in our

circumstances

fortunately most days we are able to

live in the present

and appreciate the little joys in life

my physical passing will be more loss

that my family will have to endure

i believe that we have built a

foundation for resiliency that when this

inevitability does occur

my family will once again be able to

move forward with peace and meaning

30 years ago as an aspiring medical

doctor my life was leading towards a

different

direction life changes

i could not imagine then that i could

live without the ability to move or

breathe on my own

i could not imagine then how anyone in

this physical state would be able to

positively affect more people

than my years as a practicing physician

i hope that my story has shown you that

it is possible to redefine

life with meaning following profound

adversity

this ability is available to us all

through choice

although it is not an easy path to

follow

healing enables a person to move forward

from adversity with peace joy love

gratitude and meaning i dare

each of you to face your life

adversities and choose to add meaning to

your life

i believe in you the world needs your

purpose

the world needs your kindness

thank you

you