The Meaning of Life

[Music]

[Applause]

the dalai lama was once asked

what is the meaning of life he smiled

and answered

not a hard question that’s an easy

question to answer

the meaning of life is happiness

hard question is what makes happiness

is it the car is it the house is it the

money is it the accomplishments

or the friends or is it compassion

and good heart this is something

that every human being must try to

answer

what makes true happiness

it was death my death that made me

wrestle

with this question

the planning to kill myself

by hanging myself from the beams of

a surrey hotel or driving my car into a

large

oak tree or throwing myself off the

balcony of a tall building

and when i finally did decide to kill

myself

one evening lying in my cold empty bed

with a bottle of whiskey and a handful

of pills

and a plastic bag it was my cuddly

affectionate cat tabasco

that jumped on my chest and sat there

purring

and the love that i felt for him

in that moment was what i needed

to stop what i was doing

for that moment i felt hope

could i be happy again could i come back

from that dark abyss

that had been caused by the death of my

beautiful kind husband jeremy in 2016

from a rare form of renal cancer

he was my soul mate the love of my life

and we had fought family opposition and

societal judgment to be

together and we had been together for 19

happy years

in that time i had built an inner

resilience as a result of family

estrangement

struggles at work and with anxiety and

depression

and then jeremy’s cancer diagnosis

and harrowing treatment

i held jeremy’s hand in those last few

moments of his life

the death rattle getting louder and

louder

and his breath getting more labored

i urged him to let go his body was

ravaged

by cancer and his soul did not need it

anymore

and then when he took his last breath

and the life drained out of him

a part of me died too he was gone

and with him all our promises and dreams

of a happy future together

i was alone with my whole life ahead of

me without the love of my life without

my rock without my very

reason for being

jeremy’s death broke me

and for many months after that i shunned

everyone to become a

complete recluse and i turned to

destructive ways of coping

i just wanted to die

and then 18 months after jeremy passed

away my father ashok

also began to lose his battle with

cancer

and i was hit with this huge realization

here i was throwing my life away

and these two men had fought to live but

cancer had got them

i had life i had health i had

youth and i was throwing it away

for what

as my father’s eyes closed for the very

last time

my eyes began to open it was a time of

awakening

i wanted to be happy again i wanted to

live again

i just didn’t know how

you see grief is a merciless master

and it will pull you down to the depths

of despair in its vice-like grip

and in that darkness you think you will

never be happy again

grief is so personal and yet is so

universal

you will all understand this because you

will all have gone through grief and

loss in this past year

covet 19 has caused

job loss loss of financial security

perhaps you have lost your health

physical or mental

or perhaps you have lost someone that

you love to this

awful disease globally

we have lost the freedom to move

the freedom to make connections the

freedom to live what we believe

our normal lives

and all this loss has caused a

collective grief that each and every

person on this globe has felt

how you deal with that grief

will determine how you fare

if you like me turned to alcohol

and painkillers to numb that pain of a

broken heart

or over ate comfort food to fill that

void you were feeling inside you

or turned on the tv or radio to block

out the

sounds the anxiety the chaos

in your head or drown out the relentless

silence around you then you like me

were turning away from grief and not

allowing yourself to heal

you see to truly heal i realized i had

to turn into the grief i had to accept

it i had to acknowledge it

and i had to work through it because if

i didn’t

it would eat me up from inside and leave

me completely depleted

life is hard

it will throw us so many challenges to

which we will respond

between each challenge and each response

is a space and we must learn to use that

space

wisely and mindfully so that our

response serves us best

how you respond to those challenges

will determine whether you survive

whether you thrive or whether you fall

after jeremy’s death i realized that i

had to acknowledge that i was

at my most vulnerable

but from this vulnerability comes great

courage

i had to acknowledge the devastating

pain that had been caused

but from that place of pain comes

compassion

i had to accept that these wounds were

being inflicted on me for a reason

and only then would i gain wisdom

i had to build on that inner resilience

that i had

harnessed over the years so that i could

move forward with my life with new

beginnings

and a new life

but before i could build my life i had

to build every aspect of myself

my mind my body my spirit

and so i turned to different techniques

for the mind i did mindfulness

and acceptance and gratitude for the

body

nutrition and sleep and exercise

and for the spirit

altruism connection

and compassion

and as i practiced and learned these

techniques

i realized that you don’t

find happiness you create happiness you

cultivate it cultivating happiness is

not just about positive thinking it’s

about positive action

to create that deep contentment that we

all so desire

within us

i realize that when jeremy died

i was living with the regrets of the

past and the fears of the future i

regretted not

saying something to him or doing

something for him and a life without him

a future without him

was paralyzing in its fear

and so i turned to mindfulness

and as i sat there aware of my body and

my breath

i became aware of my thoughts and my

emotions

and i realized i had to start processing

that grief that was within me

and i did

i cried i shouted i ranted i

wept i screamed and then

when i was spent i sat still in silence

and then i did it all over again day

after day after day

it was exhausting

but then over time the silence and the

stillnesses grew longer and longer

and in those meditative moments i even

began to smile and laugh at some of

those

experiences and memories i had had with

jeremy

he had a fantastic sense of humor quite

dark

in those last few days as we were

planning his funeral he said to me

when my coffin goes through the curtain

to be cremated

i want you to play that song from our

favorite film

dirty dancing now i’m having the time of

my life

many of you will know that song i looked

at him in disbelief

why on earth would you want that song i

said

and with a cheeky grin he said

because i will be having the time of my

life up there

thanks a lot you cheeky beggar you’ve

left me here to deal with this

but you see that’s just it because every

time i think of jeremy’s funeral and his

cremation

i am i am left with a sense of peace

because i know

that he is okay and that he is having

the time of his life

and perhaps it was this knowledge that

made me realize that

i wanted to live the best version of my

life down here

so that when i did see him again and i

will see him again

i can tell him that i built that

mountain cabin in your name

on the equator in nanuki

and that i did learn to ride a motorbike

on the streets of surrey

and that i did have my own radio show in

nairobi

and that i did drive that took took

around the island of sri lanka

and as i had these amazing life-changing

experiences i was filled with a sense of

gratitude

and so i began to write in my gratitude

journal every day

and this simple act of giving thanks

made me realize

just how much i had and not how much i

had lost

if each and every one of us here gave

thanks

for what we had we would cultivate so

much happiness

human connection became a big part of my

healing

because without it i was drowning in the

meaninglessness of it all

when we are connected to one another we

are connected to our very own souls

and when we nourish connections we

nourish ourselves

and each other altruism

the act of giving is hardwired in us

as a species

that act of giving to someone else

and creating a bond with no expectation

of a reward is rewarding itself

as a way to channel my grief i

set up an education fund in jeremy’s

name

and we now support 15 children through

secondary

and tertiary education in northern kenya

what could you do to make someone’s life

just that bit happier

because believe me it will come back

tenfold

compassion the act

of kindness and spirit of generosity to

people animals and the environment was

so important

but compassion must start with the self

looking after oneself eating well

sleeping well

but also giving oneself gratitude and

self love

and as my compassion for myself and

others grew i realized i had to make

sense of this loss that i was feeling

and so i trained as an end-of-life doula

someone who sits with

the terminally ill as they transition

from this life to whatever is next

perhaps helping with funeral

arrangements or

legalities of death or just listening to

them

as they talk about their fears of dying

or holding their hand

as they take their last breath so that

no one dies alone if they don’t want to

if i could do that for jeremy then i

could definitely do it for anyone else

holding space

for someone in need

is such a humbling experience

it makes us realize what is important in

life

and so using all these techniques i

began to heal

i began to believe in life again and i

began to believe in myself

again and i began to believe that the

path i was on was the one i was supposed

to be on

i began to realize what the meaning of

life was

and if we are looking at the big picture

what could be bigger than the meaning of

life

you must decide what the meaning of life

is for you

and if it is simply to be happy as the

dalai lama says

then it is up to you to cultivate that

happiness

it is up to you to embrace the grief of

loss that you will definitely encounter

in this lifetime and change

that vulnerability and pain

into courage and compassion

i believe that the big picture

and the meaning of life is about

being happy today

every day now

being happy is the decision that we make

a brave one

in the face of and as a response to all

challenges that life will throw us every

single moment

the big picture

is being happy

the big picture is now

thank you

bye