Its okay to be me

um

thank you everybody for having us today

um i’m richie from awesometistic and for

the last 34 years i felt an absolute

freaking weirdo

and it was until i got diagnosed with my

autism two years ago that i decided to

believe in myself and open my business

which is awesome tastic

today i’m going to tell you a little

story it’s open and honest and i wear my

heart me sleeve

and it is a little bit sad but obviously

i turn all that around and try and

triumph when i was two and a half i was

adopted because of child abuse and

neglect and my parents left us in the

house for three days by myself

and i was all beaten up and stuff and i

went into the hospital um

by the way i have to just touch this

spot because i forgot to touch it before

because i said i wanted to be in the

middle

um okay so back on the game

right yes so obviously that wasn’t a

very nice time and i got put into k and

i’ve got i got well in things and then i

got adopted and sadly when i got adopted

with these parents i didn’t strive with

these and i had a very child

um troubled childhood bringing up

because not knowing i had autism at the

time a lot of things were things like um

i wish i never got you you’re thick and

stupid um they used to say i’m going to

send you back

i used to wet the bed and used to show

me like my friends that i used to work

the bed and stuff

and asked because i couldn’t strive to

get with these people because of my

adoption i had a detachment disorder

and what happened is i am i needed a

space not understanding who i was but in

this toilet what happened is

like i told you i’m very open and honest

i used to play with poo and i have been

doing that for the last 25 years

um without knowing why and it was

because of the smell and the feeling of

all this texture and stuff

but try and use your little imagination

here when your dad doesn’t understand

what’s going on and you open that door

you come out with air and he sees this

kind of behavior

even wayne in the sink or whatever it is

is you get wrong in a particular way and

i don’t you want to speak for that man

but

try and use your imagination how wrong

that i got but what i did learn that day

was a lesson in what that lesson was is

what socially accepted to show you guys

and what i actually really need to do

when i was not very confident myself and

i was only a tiny little lad

and i realized well what i can do is in

that toilet when i’m doing them kind of

things i can clean it all up and

absolutely fine when i come out of there

my dad looks and goes oh well that

butter can sorted him out that’s

absolutely fine that

problem solved but that problem wasn’t

solved i really realized that in this

toilet is a safe place and i used to do

a lot of things like um smell tissue

paper

and the tissue that was in there bang me

head off the back of the base and i used

to hit myself on the back of the head

like this all of the time

when i was in the bath i used to do it

and i quickly learned that i’m gonna

have to start getting the grips with

what i can show everybody else and what

i need to do and i created this little

boy called presentation rich and that

was the presentation that i was gonna

show to everybody um

and what i would do is i’d compress that

at school and i’d come across like i was

a bit like the naughty lad at school and

i’d come across i was

like hyperactive people used to say i

had adhd that i can’t drink pop and coke

and things like that

i quickly learned some other life

lessons that i am i didn’t want to be in

house with these people so what i would

do is i’d run home but i want to go out

and play with friends straight away but

i couldn’t play out with my friend

straightway because they all have their

lovely family tea

so i quickly realized right well what

i’ll need to do is i’ll have to put a

little cookie box and in this big field

i had this little box that was locked up

and stuff

and a little tupperware box when we cut

me in i’d run home from school

microwavable chips

shove some fish fingers in jump over the

fence and then sit and eat me tea

because i didn’t want to be in the

household because this is where

things would like i’d get hit and things

nearly pushed down the stairs smashed my

bedroom up and it was horrible

um but then i quickly learned another

lesson that actually if i go home and

i’m dirty

then they’re going to kick off that i’ve

got dirty clothes in the tired of

washing them all the time so then

therefore i would find the puddles and

i’d go down to this little railway track

and i used to wash all my clothes in

there

and it just built up and up and up and

up and now obviously we’ve been 35 i got

really good at compressing myself but it

wasn’t until i got diagnosed with my

autism when

obviously it says it’s okay to be me

that i realize that i need to start

showing this

and what it is is the box of tricks that

i had so we have i’ve got a box over

here which has got lots of um

like different types of sensory items

and squidgies and all these type of

stuff but my box was a box that had

measurements in it it had a cassette

player in there

which is something i used to stim off um

which had like a little bit of ribbon in

here that i would steam off and i

kind of burned my fingers off it um and

what would happen is i created this draw

inside my bedroom this hidden drawer and

i even created my own nappy as well

because i was tired of wetting the bed

and getting my friends showing it and i

quite become more self-aware and more

self-aware

so sadly i didn’t have a box that looked

a little bit like this one here which is

what everybody grows up in this lovely

sensory world

but that was my sensory box and because

of that that’s what made us feel like a

freak and i started looking over my

shoulder to see why people were staring

at us and then all of the other boys and

girls

were doing the same and what i found out

is surprise surprise as i was going and

i was having a troubled childhood

i didn’t get any gcses the g like the

ones between e and c the other gcses

that i got were um

g for german f for french g for

geography um and d

for drama so i thought that was pretty

cool because all of them kinda rhymed

um so that was pretty good a lot of

people i’ve met when i’ve been doing

these stuff is is that you can compress

at home and then they let it all out at

school or they’ll compress it um it’s

school and let it all out at home

but for me i didn’t really have that

escape because at school i felt like a

freak and at home i felt like a freaking

because i felt very alone all my life i

didn’t have anywhere to go

um and my first job was a job at frankie

and benny’s when i got that job

i quickly realized that being really

hyperactive and being center of

attention got us a lot of friends

because in that social government on a

night time when everybody’s busy and

stuff and he buzzing around all of them

tables

everybody’s starting to like us but what

they didn’t really realize is that i was

still going to the toilet

um and playing with like stuff like

tillwalls and stuff because of that

sensory stuff so every time i would do

that that would make us feel a bit like

a freak and a weirdo again and again and

again

um and there’s only so much a human

brain can take before you have a

meltdown

in my meltdown hit rock bottom try to

commit suicide twice

i started self-harm on me i am me

backing me legs um i started into the

gambling i’ve spent three or four

thousand pound in the boogies

um and it was really going down and down

and down i was on loads of

anti-psychotic medication it was all

going more medication more medication

and i remember this one time

i took 90 pound seat model 90 ibuprofen

and a bottle of pursuer and i took it

all in one go and it didn’t do the job

thankfully and i remember waking up the

next day i thought rich somebody’s got

to try in there and look after yourself

and you need to you need to do this

and i woke up that dna says i’m going to

show everybody that i’m strong and i

started doing seven years worth of

therapy

and that’s 73 i did i’m cognitive

therapy cbt cat therapy group therapy

one to one

and i really worked really really hard

and i came out and this is when i

started realizing that um you know when

i say his life finds a way i’m a big

believer that um

things happen for a reason and when i

first believe it or not what happened is

i phoned the service called after

adoption

and the first time i phoned them in the

same hour and the same day my birthman

phoned that person

and says oh hi i’m looking for this lady

and i obviously told her name he’s oh we

just had this person on the phone i was

like no we

and that was the moment that i realized

that things are going to start happening

for a reason and when i’ve met her

and the first thing she said was rich

just let you know when i had you i used

to cut myself

and i thought oh well i’ll go home and

do that because that’s what my mom’s

doing that’s why i want to live and that

started like doing that all over again

and things

so that even went more spiral time with

conversation went down down and down

even when i was seeing some of the

professionals i mean i don’t know if

anybody’s seen the film lost boys but

when somebody would say rich right

thank you for coming the session what’s

your favorite film i’d say the lost boys

he says that because you feel like a

lost boy

it didn’t actually have anything to do

with that because it’s a bloodsucking

vampire film and it’s absolutely

fantastic

um so that kind of confused and i

quickly learned i just have to be on

there and people say yeah i’m all right

thanks and just tell people what they

want to hear

all of the time again compressing myself

and whatnot and then after that

i kind of came out with that phone and i

came on top of myself i thought

if my birth parents walk through this

door now i would not be bothered i’d

probably give my high five because i’m

very grateful for the life that they

give us because i’m standing in front of

you guys doing what i do

and what it was is i thought well i’m

going to prove to everybody out there

that i’m not thinking stupid that i’m

going to go and get a qualification

what’s really weird about the days is

actually i used to come to newcastle

college

um and i blagged myself on when i was 28

on the newcastle college course um

b-tech level three um and he says rich i

tell you what if you get student a year

i’ll give you an ipad

i say it’s right no problem so i’ve got

a student here and i’ve got three years

in a row and i’ve got 57 distinctions

and i’ve got a full foundation degree

mechanical manufacturing engineering and

one

and i basically got the highest

qualification that like score that you

can get and it still stands i made a

handout

device which was had a 3d printed drill

and things i just did that

to prove and i impressed them that much

they actually gave us a job and i worked

here for a little while

so that was quite cool so that being

around i turned my life around a little

bit more and i thought right

well why don’t i try for some kids so me

and me porter tried for some kids and

sadly that didn’t work

and this one again when things happen

for a reason and we went down the ivf

route

the second attempt on the first two

didn’t work sorry and then the third

attempt

um it did work so everything’s going

really well but then sadly we lost it

quite late in

um and it’s going to sound really

bizarre but i’m really proud that we’re

lost i’m really grateful that we lost

that child because i’ve now adopted my

own two children

and when me growing up being adopted and

then to adopt some children

and that was really cool and that’s been

like a long ambition for me

this is still without being diagnosed

with autism by the way because i was

great at brain presentation which

because at home

i still wouldn’t show the person i was

with that i was doing all these things i

was still going into cupboards smelling

magazines playing with sellotapes i mean

masking tapes which i’ve got over there

i’ve got all big different types of

smell and stuff

um and it was until after my daughter

had a really loud scream and my daughter

had this big big scream and i thought

why am i getting so angry so i thought

right

what i’ll do is i’ll go to the doctor’s

because i know when i need some help

i’ll go to the doctors and ask because

i’m proud

when he says rich i think he might have

this thing called autism

sadly i don’t have a long time to

explain this to you but there’s a big

part of that chapter that it was really

hard to learn myself over that 18 months

and when i was long story short for that

when i got diagnosed

um in front of this doctor he said it

was rich you’ve definitely got autism

and i’m so sorry

again things have no reason that person

that diagnosed was the same person i’d

seen as 10 years beforehand

and he turned around and said he’s sorry

so when i was getting diagnosed he said

it was rich you’ve got this insight that

i’ve never seen before and that insight

is because of the life that you’ve had

that you’ve been so scared and you’ve

became so self-aware because you’re

scared of what everybody else in this

room thinks of you

that you make sure that you compress

yourself while i do this talk but really

after this i’m gonna have a big meltdown

i’m gonna bang in my head on the back of

my bed i’ve got all these centuries i’ve

got my lovely little teddy down there

but people never see that kind of stuff

they just see me

so i thought you know what is i’m going

to quit my job i think this is

absolutely yours i’m going to make sure

that no child has to feel the same way

that i did because i am sick of

waking up in the morning and doing this

massive curve which made me feel like an

absolute freaking weirdo i’m going to

make sure that every single child

actually feels awesome about having

something because when you’ve got autism

you’ve got it for life

so you can either like it or lump it and

there’s nothing you can do about it so i

always try and think of myself

let’s try and flip things in life into a

positive

so when i opened awesome tastic and this

has only been open a year

i went afford garage and i told him that

i was awesome and i says rich i said to

ford

i’ve got autism and it’s awesome i’ve

got a vision i want to pull up and

afford mustang gt5 lita

let them children know that people with

autism are bloody awesome you went

i says will you sponsor us you went yeah

so they give me a free car

so i drive that around all over the time

so that’s pretty cool isn’t it

um so since i’ve opened awesome tastic

and everybody’s taking a liking to us

and i’m trying my best like i said you

before i’m just richie trying to be

somebody that can just finally be myself

and that’s why it says on the back my

top it’s okay to be me

because i’ve got people making these

cakes i’ve got people um going to world

book day wanting to be like richie

people making this moral calls

people making those lego models and it’s

absolutely fantastic um

i have helped two and a half thousand

families three thousand children

i’ve done 179 talks um i’ve literally

all done all this

i’m not gonna cry um i’m gonna be a shot

on this all by myself

and to the point that i got crowned um

the autism hero

um ate christmas on the way down and

that was a massive achievement i

actually started really being upset

because i

always thought i was gonna be a freaking

weirdo forever

and i knew when i won this award that i

wasn’t a freak anymore

and then i decided to write a book so

this is all in the year so i kind of

done all of this in one year and i wrote

a book called

the artween and the sink and it’s all in

detail obviously i’ve only got a short

period of time to talk to you guys today

but all of my big life stories in there

and now i’ll make sure that any no child

mixes or wants to feel like a freak

and i’m just going to end it there

because i’ve kind of caught up myself so

thanks very much