Listen to your Quiet it has a lot to tell you

[Music]

sometimes

the loudest thing you can do

is sit back

and be quiet

we live in a world that often encourages

us to be loud and outspoken

and the challenge for me hasn’t lied so

much in

accepting my

loudness but rather in accepting

my quietness

and throughout my life i’ve often

noticed that i’ve focused on this more

extroverted

louder side of me

and i was ignoring a quieter more

reserved part

to my peril

i was in my second year of high school

and all throughout my years i had been

this goody two shoes and everyone knew

that about me

but for some reason on the specific day

i decided that i wanted to be cool

so i decided that i was going to skip

half of my psychology class it’s very

rebellious

and

so i walked out onto this big concrete

courtyard outside of the cafeteria in my

high school

and immediately a bunch of kids pulled

me into this game of american football

and everyone started running around and

throwing the ball

but as if it were yesterday

i remember this feeling of this wall

just going up around me

i froze

and as hard as i tried to snap out of it

i couldn’t

i couldn’t even look anyone in the eye

so instead of removing myself from this

uncomfortable situation i decided that i

was gonna sit down in the middle of the

courtyard and let everyone throw the

ball over me and run around me

and someone even said looked at me and

they’re like why is she sitting there in

the middle of the game like that

what’s her problem

i honestly don’t think i remember a time

in my life where i’ve been more

embarrassed than this

but here’s the thing

i didn’t have a problem

there was just one thing that i didn’t

know

in that moment sitting down

i was socially drained

and shutting down in this way was my

body’s way

of telling me

you see

throughout my life

i had often been forcing myself

throughout high school to be

a more extroverted person

and the reason why i froze up in this

moment was because i had spent and

overspent this energy

and i wasn’t taking any time to recharge

the energy that i was spending

and this moment was kind of a light bulb

for me

realizing that i had so much to learn

about myself

and i’d like to tell you a few things

that i learned

i learned that the main difference

between an extrovert and an introvert is

in our response to stimuli

an extrovert often needs lots of

different types of stimuli like big

friend groups at school or lots of group

work to thrive and to function at their

most optimal level

but an introvert on the other hand often

needs far

far less of this sometimes none at all

but an ambivert is the combination of

both extroverted and introverted traits

and freezing up in that courtyard

as an ambivert was my quieter

introverted side telling me that i was

experiencing too much stimuli

and throughout this journey

i had to learn to live as an ambivert

and it means constantly balancing the

expenditure and the recharging of energy

let me give you an example

here at ehl

my weeks are filled with lots of meeting

new people

lots of group work and communication

with my peers

it’s a lot of stimuli

so i know myself that on the weekends i

need to take a day to myself

to recharge the energy that i’ve been

spending

but i didn’t always understand how to

create this type of balance

and throughout my journey i’ve learned

three tools that have helped me balance

my life as an ambivert and i’d love to

talk to you about them a little bit in

the next few minutes

the first tool

that i often use and i still use all the

time today

is learning that it is okay

to set time for self-care

and i don’t necessarily mean buying

expensive skincare products or hair

masks which can be nice as well

what i mean is that i take a few minutes

or an hour

every single day or every other day

to do something that makes me feel in

touch with myself

and whenever i get this feeling of

i’m so demotivated i don’t want to do my

homework i don’t want to do anything

i’ve learned to turn to physical

exercise

and it doesn’t matter if it’s a walk in

the forest if it’s

taking 30 minutes to cook something what

matters in that moment

is that i

let all those worrying thoughts those

worries and those responsibilities just

fall to the side

and i focus on how i’m feeling

in that very moment

but there was a time in my life where i

thought that

self-care was something completely

unimportant and just frivolous i never

paid attention to it

i did my first tedx talk way back in

2019 it’s actually not so long ago

and i spent the week leading up to it

constantly rehearsing talking to my

coach talking to my peers about my

speech

and i spent no time i ignored my body’s

need to recharge

and after i delivered that speech i was

so socially drained that i had to spend

two full days curled up on my little

couch like a shrimp

because i was so drained

and what had happened during those weeks

leading up to the talk was that again i

had spent and overspent this energy

completely ignoring the need to recharge

it

but

while i was sitting on the couch one day

and i was scrolling on instagram

and i saw that one of my fellow speakers

was at this big party and they were

partying all night

and i thought to myself

god i wish i wish i could do that i wish

i had the energy to do that

but i knew within myself that i didn’t

but after a few years i realized that in

that moment i could have had the energy

had i managed

myself differently

you see in that moment i didn’t so much

want to change my personality from an

ambivert to a full out extrovert

but what i could have done is changed

how i managed

the balance between the extroverted and

the introverted side

and learning to do so

is exactly how i can stand here in front

of you all telling you about it

the second tool

that i used

was learning to set those necessary

boundaries

i’ve learned that

saying no

is the key to saying yes in other

situations

and i’ve noticed a pattern in myself

where i say yes to plans or activities

because i’m afraid that if i say no i’m

going to offend someone

and learning to set those boundaries is

extremely challenging for anyone

but i’ve noticed that when i

consistently overstretch myself in this

way

i end up having less joy for doing

things i would normally love

another tool that i’m working on is

remembering the next sentence i’d like

to say in my talk but

that’s another that’s another story

but i was in my

first semester here at ehl actually

and

i was walking to school one day and i

thought to myself that i hadn’t taken

a day or some time to myself in many

weeks

and i was starting to feel drained in

this way that probably my daily double

espresso wasn’t really gonna cut it for

me anymore it wasn’t enough energy

and i made a pact with myself i said

okay tonight

i need to stay in

do something that relaxes me something

that makes me feel myself again

but as soon as i walked into school one

of my classmates came up to me and they

were like hey a bunch of us are going

out tonight you should totally come

and without even a second thought i was

immediately of course i would love to

come i’ll be there

and i was ignoring this intuition

that i needed to say no

what happens in those moments is that

there’s an extroverted voice or part of

me if you will

that overrides or is louder than

this introverted side

and it makes it really difficult for me

to make these balanced decisions

and maybe it helps to think of it as an

economy of energy

my extrovert is the spender

and my introvert

is the recharger

and learning this balance is exactly how

saying yes

requires me to say no

and last

but really not least

i discovered the value

in being

fully quiet

maybe though if you ask some of my

friends or my colleagues that know me

really well

if i’m this always this very reserved

quieter person

they’re gonna look at you like you just

grew an extra head or something crazy

like that and it’s true i’m an ambivert

so i don’t always choose to be this more

quiet person

but also

i’ve learned that being loud and

vivacious

does not necessarily give me value

as a team member or as a leader

i got elected my fourth year of high

school

as co-captain of the nordic ski team

and at that time i had barely any

leadership experience at all and i was

convinced that to be respected by my

peers i needed to be the center of

attention at

all times

and after a few weeks of being the

captain and trying to force this

extroverted persona

i realized all it was doing was making

me feel drained

so when i had the courage to accept

my quieter leadership style

i realized

i could notice so much more about my

team i noticed patterns cohesions and

needs that i had never noticed before

i had discovered the value in being a

part introverted leader

and i’d realized that actually

quiet

leadership is not an oxymoron

but

if you’re an extrovert or an ambivert

like me or even an introvert where can

you all start with all this

i remember at the beginning of my

journey i felt so overwhelmed i had no

idea where to start it would have been

nice if maybe wikipedia had one of those

step-by-step guides on where to start

the journey

they don’t i checked

but if i were to give my past self a

little bit of advice this is what i

would say

start small

like ridiculously small

take five minutes in the morning before

you even get out of bed

just to meditate for five minutes or or

just do a little bit of stretching

and once that feels a little bit more

like a habit

practice setting some of those

boundaries with your friends say guys i

need to take 10 more minutes to clean my

room or to just do this assignment then

we can go

nothing big

and when that feels a little bit less

daunting

next time you’re sitting with a friend

practice

listening to them without jumping in

and see just how much you can learn

about them

and throughout this journey i’ve learned

a lot about myself i’ve learned that

it’s really necessary for me

to take time for self-care

and i’ve noticed that

i thrive when

i’m able to set boundaries and say no

when i need to

and i’ve noticed that there’s nothing

weird

or embarrassing about sometimes choosing

to be the quiet one

but knowing what i know today

i want to take you all along with me

back to the beginning when i was that

little high school sophomore second year

wanting to be cool and impress my

classmates

and imagine me as i walk out

onto the concrete courtyard outside of

my cafeteria

and notice as i begin to feel

uncomfortable

but this time

instead of forcing myself through the

situation

i honor it

so i walk over to a tree

all the way at the end and i lay down

and i feel the prickle of the grass on

the back of my arms

and i realize that in this moment

i don’t feel left out

i feel peaceful

and i lift my head from the grass and

watch as everyone’s throwing the ball

and running around and laughing

i’ve realized that in this moment

it feels perfect

to be sitting back

and just being

and i’ve realized that once more

sometimes

the loudest thing

one can do

is sit back

and be quiet

[Applause]

you