Listening Ourselves Out of Polarization

[Music]

hi

today i’d like to talk to you about

the polarization in our world and

the solution to that a new language we

should learn

the triple e language we live in a

divided world

there’s a tsunami of polarization we

have discussions and debates

and the debates are win-lose

i am right you are wrong it’s all about

my views

my perceptions are elevated to the truth

and even the intolerance is even that

far going that we cannot imagine that

something else could be thought

that the other thoughts are

inconceivable we see it also on social

media

where the positional thinking and

discussion like

twitter is going wild and

this has emerged obviously

to a large extent with the trumpest era

in the united states but even before

that even here in belgium where we have

decades and decades of experience with

discussions

between the flemish and the francophones

but not

understanding each other and it’s gotten

worse

with all the challenges that touch us as

a society

climate energy and recently covet 19 how

to deal with corona

discussions where everyone is starting

from their own right their

own position and there’s no listening

towards each other and

we see it also at universities there’s

many many polarizations

and debates in the academ academic world

and you you know you want to you want to

get an example there’s plenty of

examples

and i don’t want to give an example

because the moment i give an example

the polarization will start and i’m here

sitting in a monologue

and we need a dialogue to get

over this polarization so we are trapped

into a divided world and we

need to get out and the solution to get

out is precisely

to try to engage in a true dialogue

and to do that you need to learn and to

speak

a new language it’s a triple e language

the esperanto

of emotions and empathy i i once wrote

that we should start with this in

kindergarten

we don’t we’ve never learned that

language and so

i think there’s no better place than

university to start

learning and experimenting experimenting

with this new language

so university i’m sitting here in my

office at the university of leuven

this is a university that was

established

in 1425 we’re almost six centuries

around and so in the middle ages

universities were a community of

scholars and students

a learning community and in the early

ages

first universities in europe like

bologna and paris were about the 12th

century even

there were no buildings there was

university was

um without physical space a connection

a bonding of scholars and students a

community

and i think corona if corona has thought

is one thing

it is that we can that we don’t need

buildings and physical spaces that we

can go

beyond the the boundaries of buildings

and that we can connect

with each other in the digital world and

that’s where i think we should start

the new true dialogue dialogue what is

it

because i say the polarization and the

divide comes from discussion

debate win-lose positional thinking

dialogue is something totally different

dia in greek

through the words and in ancient greek

logos may even refer to gathering

together

relationships so it’s a dialogue is a

stream

is a flow of meaning a flow of words

between and true and among us and it is

like

where through such connection

in relationships between people

through such connections all the

differences of opinions

kind of evaporate and emerge into a new

meaning

dialogue is not about

getting my opinion as

the the truth dialogue is more about

suspending my opinion and listening to

other opinions and views

and then together find with creativity

a new way a new understanding a new

connection so there’s others saying that

dialogue is like the outer counterpart

of the inner non-judgmental awareness

and mindfulness

it is the connection and the

communication you make by the

the miracle of wonder by the questioning

by opening up yourself and not sticking

to your own positions and opinions

and you may say well you know this all

sounds nice but it’s very

abstract so let’s make it more concrete

how can we

engage in a true dialogue that is by

speaking a new language

the triple e language of the esperanto

of emotions and empathy so how do we do

that

what what does that exactly mean uh

emotions and empathy and speaking that

new language it’s through active

listening

so let’s first think about what empathy

is there’s a lot of misunderstanding on

empathy

some confuse it with sympathy it’s not

sympathy

it’s not agreeing my my mentor

and and professor and friend professor

nukin

he many years ago told me i’ll i can

demonstrate empathy

as a jewish law professor at harvard law

school to

a nazi ss officer so that’s certainly

not sympathy

or agreeing it’s demonstrating that you

can see

the world through the eyes of that other

person that you can

understand their perspective on things

and so when we try to connect

we need to try to listen actively

and you may say well i’m doing that well

you’re not because

and and i certainly can witness that i

often don’t do it and maybe even now at

this very moment you’re watching this

clip

you are not really listening to me

you are in your head thinking lots of

things and you may be referring to

experience you had

and you may be maybe even daydreaming or

you may try to find arguments against

what i’m saying

or you may say that’s not like me or oh

i know all of this

whatever you’re thinking you’re not

listening to me

active listening is about shutting up

your inner voice

it’s about getting out of this

judgmental

biased perception of the world it’s

about opening up

and really be with the other side you

know we all

judge all the time and judging obviously

has a benefit as a shortcut in a

dangerous society to protect yourself

society today is a bit less dangerous so

we we should judge less but we are still

stuck with the judging

and so when we see another person when

we engage and and talk with another

person

we immediately start judging from our

own perceptions and our biases everyone

who read canaan and turski knows about

the biases

and the tunnel vision we have and so we

should

try with active listening get rid of

these judgments

the other person is a diamond with one

thousand facets how can we

judge that person if we only see three

facets

and then you can ask but okay how do i

do that

i tried to shut up my inner voice i

tried to be with the other side and i

tried to really

listen and demonstrate my empathy

we do that by using the empathy loop

ipa is not only a beer it’s also

a very interesting skill to try to

listen to someone

inquire with open questions paraphrase

what you hear in your own words

check in so that i can adapt and

fine-tune and correct you if you didn’t

get it right

and then acknowledge the feelings you

see and hear and feel

and what will happen if you do that in a

genuine way is that other that other

person will feel understood

acknowledged they will become more

positive

he will share information and views and

perceptions

and at some point they will open up and

then you will be able to give your views

so in that sense the the active

listening

is a tool to generally connect with

someone else and i use

often the frozen land metaphor to

explain this better

imagine you see a farmer standing on a

frozen land

with a big bag of seeds and he’s

throwing all his seeds

on that land you will probably say hmm

this is a silly man why and then the

silly man tells you no no no i’m

throwing my seeds

flowers and vegetables will grow and you

think that’s silly the ground is frozen

well you know that’s exactly what you

and i do

when we listen when we try to persuade

someone

with our arguments we are like the silly

farmer throwing seeds on the frozen land

so active listening and empathy is about

working on the land opening it up

defrosting it

fertilizing it so that the other side

feels acknowledged

and then you can bring in your arguments

your seeds and see

if you can get somewhere with a dialogue

um it’s also about the emotions

in the active listening i like the you

know we are

95 emotions and we are very

emotional beings and i like the saying

of douglas null who says let’s

listen each other into existence which

means

i see it you are frustrated you are

disappointed you are angry

you are hurt you are

you know you’re irritated you’re

frustrated you’re happy

when i can do this in a genuine way

i connect with you and with your soul in

a

i i listen yourself into existence

and when we do that together for each

other that’s when we speak the new

language

and that’s where we engage in a dialogue

where something new will emerge

it’s like when we start the conversation

and i have a glass of water and you have

a glass of water

by doing this we kind of end up with a

new glass

of liquids where there’s some of mine

and some of your water but something

totally new

has emerged and then

you know universities should stimulate

that that kind of dialogue

learn us to speak that language of true

understanding and empathy

and listening to each other and

universities can stimulate that

by creating safe spaces safe spaces it’s

a delicate topic

it has many meanings there is the safe

space

where people who have been historically

discriminated against can

be together in a safe way where there’s

no judgments

and where they can support each other i

think universities should create

environments like that where you can

feel the empathy

and work on the emotional

security that you deserve and the

support you deserve for the wounds

and the hurt that has been committed in

so many many many instances

and then the university should also

create a safe space where the real true

dialogue

can emerge it’s a safe space where

differences of opinions

are flowing and floating around where

there’s differences of beliefs

and where there’s a safety

where that protects you uh to

to to be able to engage in free speech

safety

you know you will be tolerated there

will be respect and empathy for your

views and opinions

and so it at the same time it’s a

non-safe space because you can

engage in a non-safe dialogue you can

talk about

very delicate and intense things and

you’re sure

that there’s psychological safety for

you to speak up

and there will be respect for your views

and tolerance

and if you have this this dialogue of

empathy for each other then

uh what will happen is that this this

connection uh this dialogues this

thinking true relationships

will emerge and there will be a

connection

in free speech so for me the protection

of free speech

is not so much as it was uh

defended in the enlightenment the the

right for you to insult me the right for

you to offend me i think

we we kind of took it to the next level

where the free speech is about

i could say what my views are my

opinions are because

i’m in a safe place where you

will give me the empathy and i will give

you the empathy and we will respectfully

listen to each other talk with each

other with not to each other

we will dialogue and a new meaning will

emerge so

my hope and my call for all academics

and and students in universities around

the globe is that we together we engage

in speaking this new triple e language

the esperanto of

emotions and empathy that we stop

discussing that we stop debating that we

stop

positional argumentations that we stop

the intolerance that we start

really connecting and listening to each

other with empathy

that is what universities are about

creating new understanding in research

creating new understanding in

relationships in connections with people

and that is what we as academics can

contribute to society

a society that is in desperate need for

guidance to escape

out of the polarization that is softly

killing all of us

so let’s speak up together tripoli thank

you