Till the end

[Applause]

[Music]

hey

[Music]

hey

i looked down i looked down and i could

see the flow

playing its own game it was moving

and my feet struggled to stay stable my

eyes couldn’t hold it all anymore

they too let me down in the middle of

everywhere

tearing and shivering i ran to the place

people asked for some privacy

the washroom and dial the numbers that

can

immediately take me to the person who

can stop me from lashing my life

out of me my little brother

i told him farhan i think i will give

him today

i cannot fight any longer save me before

it’s too late

suicidal thoughts have always lurked in

my head

merges whenever it feels like

tempting me to give into its demand

i don’t even when i want to

i refuse to give in i fight it

and my mind it has two voices

one is emotional one and manipulative

and the other is very logical and matter

of fact like

and caught in between the two is me

fighting your emotions and thoughts

drains you down mentally and

physically too sometimes you feel like

enough is enough

anxiety quite a close friend of

depression i would say

i’m no psychiatrist to list the

difference but i’m that girl

who’s in relationship with it and this

is what i know

of uh of it with my personal experience

both are very unpleasant to be

with and very very clingy

it has always towered over me it’s a

piercing feeling

and it cannot i cannot pin it down

and say this is exactly how i feel

what i want you to imagine is a

puppeteer maneuvering a puppet

i always bear a beautiful smile

like i’ve been crowned with the title of

being you know queen of happiness you

can say

i’m funny i crack jokes if no one laughs

i laugh at them i’m very talkative

i’m always chirpy and cheery but in my

head

i’m always twitchy deep within lies

something

faceless something nameless and i don’t

know how to christen it it’s a void

is it a fear i don’t know

a wound could be taking time to heal and

healing two hurts it’s beastly 2

hibernates when it wants to and suddenly

it wakes up

and when it wakes up i change

it eats me and i let it

a worm for sure magnetism

wriggling through my mind eating away

the peace

the confidence hope

once the maggot is awake when it is in

action you become weaker and

weaker mentally and physically

the tour that i took you with me now was

into my mind

did this all begin can i trace it back

and my answer is yes let me tell you a

story

the first time i felt i was alienated

i broke down called my friend and i

cried

now i know what akuna would have felt i

stopped

in the u.s all by herself and my

confused friend asked me

who’s akuna anyone i know the main

character the thing around

her neck was my solemn answer and she

blurted out laughing she found it very

funny

i did not i really did

feel what akuna would have gone through

and it was not funny because i was going

through it

and it was a daunting feeling dark

and ugly i’m a literature student

an alienation is a recurring theme in

many texts

i’ve analyzed it i’ve critiqued it

and i’ve met many lonely characters

trapped in pages

of the books but never was i

ever unlucky before to experience the

horrors of

alienation i had not felt it before

until i decided to brave it and take a

step out of my comfort zone

i left my safe haven and relocated

myself to a new place

which was challenging every possible

sense

and here i was like an alien

in the midst of nowhere so this is how i

was introduced to

depression or anxiety or whatever you

may call it

but the attraction was very strong and i

became

weaker and weaker in its grip

and eventually started to lose myself

those months for purgatorial like the

video

in the movie the ring

spiraling nauseating scary

sleep became a stranger now is wide

awake throughout the day

night time did not seem to have a

difference

day night it came it went

and it didn’t matter to me because i was

wide awake

it had been weeks since i had slept

i was drowning in an existing

existential crisis

i was feeling purposeless worthless

lost uprooted scared

hopeless suicidal that was when i

started to talk to my dad

he told me everything would be fine his

voice was reassuring

he started to spend more and more time

with me and that was not right

i shouldn’t be having these

conversations with him

because he’s no more sleep deprivation

has resurrected my dead dad and i’m not

exaggerating i was having these

conversations with him and

i call these time this time of my life

the dark ages

i was seeing my therapist my friends

were there my family too was around

despite all this support i was

struggling in my head drowning in my

thoughts

a fear a doubt was always there

and i felt alone and lost mind was

murky i don’t want to reveal i don’t

want to relive those days

i’m it’s very scary

this feeling of alienation is disastrous

destructive and dangerous

robin williams braved it with a belt and

i can

totally understand it depression

or anxiety or whatever you may call it

is

very kind it hugs you tight until you

suffocate

until you can’t breathe and it does not

let you go

it holds you by the hand and shows the

path

it is by your side cheering when you

push yourself down the sixth floor

of that building it is by your side

assuring everything will be fine when

you gobble down the 60 pills from the

prescribed medicine

and you are supposed to take only two

it’s by your side

insisting to run straight into the lake

let it all end or worse like

robin williams hang yourself with a belt

that thought itself is painful but when

you want to end it

you want to end it simple as

but well there’s always about

always and here is the but

in my story an important part

but it takes immense strength to fight

all this back

it’s usually impossible that is why many

give up

it’s easy to give in and end all this

misery

the confusion but some don’t

some fight it and i fought it too

i couldn’t have done it all alone

surviving

you need support you need to reach out

you need people to stop you from being

stupid

and i did that i learned to live

i learned to love myself i learned to

live actually

and to date it is the most difficult

challenge to stand and

to stand in front of the mirror and tell

yourself

that you are worth it i cried in front

of the mirror

unable to utter those three words to

myself

i couldn’t bring myself to stay i love

you but i didn’t give up

with the help of an amazing human being

i slowly

opened the doors to self-love i resorted

to self-care

fitness training kept my

mental health same and i am consistent

and i go on there are days even now

i feel like a sloth can’t

i want to give up i feel sluggish i feel

like

enough i’m tired i feel like walking

into the sea and end it all

jump off that cliff it comes it goes

but i don’t dive into those thoughts

anymore and i don’t let myself indulge

it’s a constant fight forever my split

mind

bickering with each other but luckily my

logical mind

always wins because my two daughters

always stand by the side of it

and they give me reasons to go on not to

give up

so it is it takes immense strength

to wear these insecurities doubts and

fears

as a cape to be a wonder woman not a

woman who

wanders over things it takes immense

strength to stand up

because it takes a lot of menstrua

mental stamina energy to do so

you are already emotionally drained

sometimes it’s

humanly impossible but that is probably

why

and that is probably why people try to

listen to the arrival of a train

by fearlessly resting their head on that

track

looking for answers they cannot find in

their life

they choose the most gruesome way to end

it all

because living through all whatever they

are going through

seems more grueling at that moment

at that moment and they end it

well what i have learned from not giving

into this horror is that anything is

possible

anything is humanly possible

in this mind-boggling maze when you are

lost

tell yourself let me find my way

out it is important to reach out

call out save me please sometimes help

arrives people come

try to save you sometimes help does not

come

sometimes you can’t find it in others

no one might be there for you

that is when you should look for that

someone

that someone who can save you there was

someone who saved me she stilled us

someone very powerful myself

i found me there was someone very

powerful within me

like i told you my mind is both rational

and emotional

let the rational mind take control of

you and you will save yourself

the hardest walk in life is walking

alone

but it is also the work that makes you

the strongest

it is this is true in every possible

sense of it

i don’t call it loneliness or alienation

anymore

i call it me time the time i’ve been

given

to discover myself it allows me to think

assess adjust and find myself

eventually i fall in love with that

beautiful person who desperately want to

be loved

by me now i find reasons to

fall in love with myself over and over

again i love the fact

that i run with my three inch heels if i

want to

i love the fact that i have jumped over

a gate when i was fully pregnant

right i’ve discovered me

and i’m working on a healthy

relationship with myself

i still i still struggle but i

i am going on i’m going on it’s i will

be consistent

and i will continue let us not

let life give us lemons

because there are plenty of recipes out

there

with those lemons right we can whip up

something amazing

each time every single time

so i’m not born to take my life away i’m

born to live my life to the fullest

until my lord decides it’s time come now

thank you

you