Till the end
[Applause]
[Music]
hey
[Music]
hey
i looked down i looked down and i could
see the flow
playing its own game it was moving
and my feet struggled to stay stable my
eyes couldn’t hold it all anymore
they too let me down in the middle of
everywhere
tearing and shivering i ran to the place
people asked for some privacy
the washroom and dial the numbers that
can
immediately take me to the person who
can stop me from lashing my life
out of me my little brother
i told him farhan i think i will give
him today
i cannot fight any longer save me before
it’s too late
suicidal thoughts have always lurked in
my head
merges whenever it feels like
tempting me to give into its demand
i don’t even when i want to
i refuse to give in i fight it
and my mind it has two voices
one is emotional one and manipulative
and the other is very logical and matter
of fact like
and caught in between the two is me
fighting your emotions and thoughts
drains you down mentally and
physically too sometimes you feel like
enough is enough
anxiety quite a close friend of
depression i would say
i’m no psychiatrist to list the
difference but i’m that girl
who’s in relationship with it and this
is what i know
of uh of it with my personal experience
both are very unpleasant to be
with and very very clingy
it has always towered over me it’s a
piercing feeling
and it cannot i cannot pin it down
and say this is exactly how i feel
what i want you to imagine is a
puppeteer maneuvering a puppet
i always bear a beautiful smile
like i’ve been crowned with the title of
being you know queen of happiness you
can say
i’m funny i crack jokes if no one laughs
i laugh at them i’m very talkative
i’m always chirpy and cheery but in my
head
i’m always twitchy deep within lies
something
faceless something nameless and i don’t
know how to christen it it’s a void
is it a fear i don’t know
a wound could be taking time to heal and
healing two hurts it’s beastly 2
hibernates when it wants to and suddenly
it wakes up
and when it wakes up i change
it eats me and i let it
a worm for sure magnetism
wriggling through my mind eating away
the peace
the confidence hope
once the maggot is awake when it is in
action you become weaker and
weaker mentally and physically
the tour that i took you with me now was
into my mind
did this all begin can i trace it back
and my answer is yes let me tell you a
story
the first time i felt i was alienated
i broke down called my friend and i
cried
now i know what akuna would have felt i
stopped
in the u.s all by herself and my
confused friend asked me
who’s akuna anyone i know the main
character the thing around
her neck was my solemn answer and she
blurted out laughing she found it very
funny
i did not i really did
feel what akuna would have gone through
and it was not funny because i was going
through it
and it was a daunting feeling dark
and ugly i’m a literature student
an alienation is a recurring theme in
many texts
i’ve analyzed it i’ve critiqued it
and i’ve met many lonely characters
trapped in pages
of the books but never was i
ever unlucky before to experience the
horrors of
alienation i had not felt it before
until i decided to brave it and take a
step out of my comfort zone
i left my safe haven and relocated
myself to a new place
which was challenging every possible
sense
and here i was like an alien
in the midst of nowhere so this is how i
was introduced to
depression or anxiety or whatever you
may call it
but the attraction was very strong and i
became
weaker and weaker in its grip
and eventually started to lose myself
those months for purgatorial like the
video
in the movie the ring
spiraling nauseating scary
sleep became a stranger now is wide
awake throughout the day
night time did not seem to have a
difference
day night it came it went
and it didn’t matter to me because i was
wide awake
it had been weeks since i had slept
i was drowning in an existing
existential crisis
i was feeling purposeless worthless
lost uprooted scared
hopeless suicidal that was when i
started to talk to my dad
he told me everything would be fine his
voice was reassuring
he started to spend more and more time
with me and that was not right
i shouldn’t be having these
conversations with him
because he’s no more sleep deprivation
has resurrected my dead dad and i’m not
exaggerating i was having these
conversations with him and
i call these time this time of my life
the dark ages
i was seeing my therapist my friends
were there my family too was around
despite all this support i was
struggling in my head drowning in my
thoughts
a fear a doubt was always there
and i felt alone and lost mind was
murky i don’t want to reveal i don’t
want to relive those days
i’m it’s very scary
this feeling of alienation is disastrous
destructive and dangerous
robin williams braved it with a belt and
i can
totally understand it depression
or anxiety or whatever you may call it
is
very kind it hugs you tight until you
suffocate
until you can’t breathe and it does not
let you go
it holds you by the hand and shows the
path
it is by your side cheering when you
push yourself down the sixth floor
of that building it is by your side
assuring everything will be fine when
you gobble down the 60 pills from the
prescribed medicine
and you are supposed to take only two
it’s by your side
insisting to run straight into the lake
let it all end or worse like
robin williams hang yourself with a belt
that thought itself is painful but when
you want to end it
you want to end it simple as
but well there’s always about
always and here is the but
in my story an important part
but it takes immense strength to fight
all this back
it’s usually impossible that is why many
give up
it’s easy to give in and end all this
misery
the confusion but some don’t
some fight it and i fought it too
i couldn’t have done it all alone
surviving
you need support you need to reach out
you need people to stop you from being
stupid
and i did that i learned to live
i learned to love myself i learned to
live actually
and to date it is the most difficult
challenge to stand and
to stand in front of the mirror and tell
yourself
that you are worth it i cried in front
of the mirror
unable to utter those three words to
myself
i couldn’t bring myself to stay i love
you but i didn’t give up
with the help of an amazing human being
i slowly
opened the doors to self-love i resorted
to self-care
fitness training kept my
mental health same and i am consistent
and i go on there are days even now
i feel like a sloth can’t
i want to give up i feel sluggish i feel
like
enough i’m tired i feel like walking
into the sea and end it all
jump off that cliff it comes it goes
but i don’t dive into those thoughts
anymore and i don’t let myself indulge
it’s a constant fight forever my split
mind
bickering with each other but luckily my
logical mind
always wins because my two daughters
always stand by the side of it
and they give me reasons to go on not to
give up
so it is it takes immense strength
to wear these insecurities doubts and
fears
as a cape to be a wonder woman not a
woman who
wanders over things it takes immense
strength to stand up
because it takes a lot of menstrua
mental stamina energy to do so
you are already emotionally drained
sometimes it’s
humanly impossible but that is probably
why
and that is probably why people try to
listen to the arrival of a train
by fearlessly resting their head on that
track
looking for answers they cannot find in
their life
they choose the most gruesome way to end
it all
because living through all whatever they
are going through
seems more grueling at that moment
at that moment and they end it
well what i have learned from not giving
into this horror is that anything is
possible
anything is humanly possible
in this mind-boggling maze when you are
lost
tell yourself let me find my way
out it is important to reach out
call out save me please sometimes help
arrives people come
try to save you sometimes help does not
come
sometimes you can’t find it in others
no one might be there for you
that is when you should look for that
someone
that someone who can save you there was
someone who saved me she stilled us
someone very powerful myself
i found me there was someone very
powerful within me
like i told you my mind is both rational
and emotional
let the rational mind take control of
you and you will save yourself
the hardest walk in life is walking
alone
but it is also the work that makes you
the strongest
it is this is true in every possible
sense of it
i don’t call it loneliness or alienation
anymore
i call it me time the time i’ve been
given
to discover myself it allows me to think
assess adjust and find myself
eventually i fall in love with that
beautiful person who desperately want to
be loved
by me now i find reasons to
fall in love with myself over and over
again i love the fact
that i run with my three inch heels if i
want to
i love the fact that i have jumped over
a gate when i was fully pregnant
right i’ve discovered me
and i’m working on a healthy
relationship with myself
i still i still struggle but i
i am going on i’m going on it’s i will
be consistent
and i will continue let us not
let life give us lemons
because there are plenty of recipes out
there
with those lemons right we can whip up
something amazing
each time every single time
so i’m not born to take my life away i’m
born to live my life to the fullest
until my lord decides it’s time come now
thank you
you