What Bulimia Taught Me.

hi

so this is not how i imagine doing a ted

talk

and it’s not how i think any of us

imagined this year

was going to be but i am here

and i’m going to share my story with you

14 years ago i was handcuffed to a bed

i had my clothes taken off me and i was

put in a gown

and i had my belongings taken i had just

been admitted to a psychiatric ward

because

i tried to numb my pain permanently

that was probably the first time

that i felt that visual image i had just

given you

i felt matched what was going on for me

inside

trapped and handcuffed

do you remember the first time you ever

felt

emotional pain or

did something to ease that pain numb it

i do and i was 10 years old

and i was going to my dance class and i

had my favorite t-shirt on

it was two little ducks and

uh they looked like little belly dancers

and i thought i’ll be able to wear this

today

so i went confidently into my dance

class and my teacher said to me

oh that’s a really cute shirt i said

thank you

because it was but you’re gonna have to

take it off

and i remember just freezing in that

moment thinking

but then you’ll see me and i’ll be

exposed and my stomach dropped

if you can imagine whatever age you are

just standing in a leotard with your

peers how exposing that can be

and what that feels like and

i couldn’t cope with that i wanted to do

everything i was doing

but i also knew that i couldn’t cope

with the pain that came with it

so how’d you deal with that my mom came

and picked me up

and i begged her i

probably threw a massive tantrum to get

what i wanted

so i begged her to take me to mcdonald’s

and

i went to mcdonald’s and she waited

outside i ran in

i got a happy meal but as quickly as i

said can i have a happy meal

i asked for a burger on the side and

when i got that food

i took that burger and i unwrapped it

and then i inhaled it

so fast i threw the rubbish away

and got into the car like nothing had

happened and continued to eat

my happy meal

i had forgotten what happened in that

dance class

that was the beginning of me numbing

myself and my pain

i love hockey even though i was a

professional golfer hockey was my first

love

and i just

i just loved it it’s my favorite sport

and so when i was selected to play for

scotland at 14

it was the best thing ever i can still

feel that excitement today

we were coming back from the european

championships and our coach was giving

us one-to-one feedback constructive

feedback you know

for the next few years that we could

work on moving forward so

i was looking forward to that i’d also

scored my first goal

for scotland and that was so exciting

so i went in there eager to hear what

she had to say

i cannot remember what she said to me

apart from this

she said watch your weight

watch your weight i mean i don’t even

know what that means today if i say to

someone what’s your weight

and i said to her am i fat

and she said no but just watch it

and i’m thinking i’m now not working or

thinking about any skills

or anything like that now all i’m

thinking is

i need to watch my weight that was the

most important thing

enter bulimia

bulimia let me tell you about bulimia

and shatter

any illusion or idea you might have

around it

it’s not talked about enough

and it’s super important

it’s super important to hear about it

because it’s a very hidden

hidden disease bulimia

creates an immense amount of shame when

you already have

a huge amount of shame it teaches us to

lie

to deceive to manipulate you always have

to be three steps ahead of

something god forbid you get found out

it also i also found myself

performing because i had to hide myself

so i was never ever myself i was so

disconnected from myself i was putting

on performances daily

um so as an actor i knew how to do that

give you an example so i went into the

grocery store the supermarket

and i picked up the trolley because we

don’t use a

basket when you’re bulimic and you’re

binging you need a trolley

and i filled it up with all the food

that i knew that would

go down easily and come up easily

trust me i’ve learned the hard way with

that and i go up to the

to the checkout and

i suddenly would see someone behind me

and the cashier

and then i thought i need to hide this

they might find out that i’m going to go

to my car and binge on this and throw up

it was probably the furthest things from

their minds but you become so

self-consumed

and that’s all you can think about so i

picked up my phone

which i’d already put on silent

and i said hi it’s just to say i’ve i’ve

got all the food for the party

do i okay yeah leaving enough pause by

the way

for the person to answer even though no

one was there

aha brilliant oh shall i get some extra

chocolate bars

great okay bye

and i’d hang up the phone and i’d put

some extra chocolate bars that i’d spied

because i thought i might miss out on

them

i would turn around and i say i’m so

sorry about that i’ve got a party

they’d be like it’s okay and i’d get my

food

and i’d smile because once again no one

knew

and i go to my car i drive to the other

end of the car park

and i put out my food and i’d eat my

food

and i’d take a drink i’d open the car

door and i throw up

i’d eat drink throw up

i was eating over every emotion you can

imagine

and i was throwing up everything you can

imagine

what i felt about myself what i thought

you felt about me

i was getting rid of it all so i didn’t

have to feel it i was getting rid of it

so badly until my

throat was so raw and i was throwing up

blood

throwing up till i felt empty inside i

had nothing to feel

and then i took my rubbish and i tied it

up and i threw it down and i throw it

away and leave it

just like how i felt about myself trash

rubbish

and i get in a car and drive away

and that that was what i thought

helped me do what i wanted to do but now

i was out of control it was controlling

me

it was doing the exact opposite i was

numbing my whole life

in recovery i hear stories from people

who

have talked about how scared they’ve got

at times when they’ve either binged or

been eating in the car or doing

something and they’ve almost crashed

i did crash i totaled my car and i

nearly killed myself

and i could have hurt other people and

that’s when i realized this is

so far out of my control because i only

wanted to hurt myself i never ever

intended hurt other people

but that was now happening so what do

you do

what do you do when it’s so out of

control

and you can’t stop it

i said to my mum

i said mum i’m going to die

i need help and that was

probably the most fearless thing i’ve

ever done in my life

was ask for that help

and it was as simple and as hard as that

i didn’t know the hard work was about to

start i also didn’t know that life was

going to get absolutely incredible

and amazing

and i didn’t know to get

to a great life i had to feel pain i had

to move

through the pain i had to feel my

emotions to get there

and that’s hard

so

to get there how do you get there

honestly not just going to therapy

i had to be completely honest with

myself now this is very difficult

when i have been trying to hide since

about the age of six

i would tell strangers that my name was

victoria

and they would go up to my mom and say

oh we just met your daughter victoria my

mom would be like

victoria my daughter’s susanna

so even at that age i’ve already been

trying to hide who i am

so and it’s not even the honesty of what

you might say to your best friend you

like my new haircut

i’m talking about an honesty that is so

deep that i wasn’t even aware of

and honestly that isn’t i threw up 15

times today i broke my diet

i binged it was an honest day of

why why did i go

to binge why did i eat what was

what happened that made me feel that i

need to punish myself

in any shape or form what was the actual

feelings that rigorous

honesty is what i was being taught

to do a few months ago

i i was asked

no a few months ago i was told that

surely

i regret my bulimia because it’s taken

years of my life away

not one bit there’s not one bit of me

that regrets my bulimia

it has not taken life

years away from me it’s given me years

years that now i look forward to where i

don’t

diet i’m not constantly

going to diet clubs or

just solely focused on my weight

or trying to numb my pain don’t get me

wrong

like there are moments when if i get

stressed

the old voices will come in and say

you need to eat something or my favorite

is you need to lose weight

because that will sort it out it won’t

sort it out i don’t need to lose weight

what i need to do is deal with the

feeling

it took up so much head headspace and

actually stopped me doing whatever i

wanted to do with my life

recovery has taught me amazing things

and i’m still learning these things and

i think one of the most important things

that it’s taught me

is about the power of connection

my granny died in april and i was very

close to her

and she always said two things to me

every single day

keep structure and keep connection and

those are two of the

things that actually help my recovery

today especially connection because the

more i found i connect with other people

and share my story the more i hear about

them

the more empathy i have for other people

less judgmental i become

but it wasn’t just about connection to

other people i had to connect with

myself

and as a bulimic i was separated

and as i told you i was throwing up i

mean at the worst i was throwing up 15

times a day

and my teeth were starting to

disintegrate disintegrate

i couldn’t i couldn’t digest

any food at all every time i wanted

recovery i just would relapse

so i had to trust something that

i’ve never i don’t know the outcome to

and that was to relearn to eat to trust

that

i could live a life without being

dependent

on something to numb my feelings or

control my weight

and it does work and it did work and it

is working because i’m here telling you

about it today

but that’s only because i keep that

constant connection with myself as well

i had to relearn to eat just i had to go

back to probably i would say how a baby

learns to eat

i had to eat foods that

i hadn’t been taught were good for me i

thought salads and veg are what i

was meant to eat i didn’t realize my

body couldn’t digest

salads are pretty hard to digest you

wouldn’t give a baby a salad

so i had to eat foods that would help my

digestion

and i started to learn that while i do

that and learn about that i start to

feel better

and as i started to feel better i

started to move my body

i started to want to take care of my

body i started to see changes and all

that kind of

worked together i started to feel better

in my head

and i didn’t want to lie i didn’t want

to deceive i didn’t want to manipulate

so recovery

is always a work in progress but it’s

really

is really important and

that connection to yourself

and to other people is something that

i will always deeply nurture my friend

shared with me a quote

and that she had heard and i want to

share with you too

because it really hits home for me and i

hope it might with you

it’s one day we are going to die

together

and i want to live knowing

that i loved you

so thank you