Let the First Love of Your Life Be YOU

[Music]

i would like to start this talk by

asking you to take an exercise with me

during times where we can’t hardly

control anything

controlling the way we breathe is

probably

one of the few things left within our

power

so i want you to take a deep breath in

through your nose

and exhale through your mouth

i want you to close your eyes and do

that three times

and whilst you do that i want you to

focus solely on your breath

forget what’s for dinner forget the

emails left to reply

be here now in this present moment

and with your eyes still closed i want

you to think of the three people you

love the most in the world

don’t think about it too much whoever

comes to your mind

who are those special someone that has a

special place in your heart you can open

your eyes now

now let me ask you a question in which

place were you on your own list

first second third

or like the vast majority of us you

didn’t even make it

to your own list my name is fabidoria

i’m a self-love expert and that’s

exactly what i want to talk about today

the importance of self-love we are

taught

so many things at school except the most

important one

which is to love ourselves

without confusing self-love with

selfishness

you should always be the first love of

your life and you want to know why

one you’re the only person you can ever

divorce

and two you cannot give to others what

you cannot give to yourself

so if it’s love you’re looking for you

must be able to love your

whole self first now let me tell you

something about my

own journey to self-love i don’t know

about you

but i’m from the disneyland and princess

generation

and for a while i did expect prince

charming to come and save me

for myself and i waited

and waited and waited a little bit

longer

but he never came no one told me

i was the orchestrator of this fine

symphony called life

and that if i did not get my sword and

slayed your dragon myself

i would have never experienced this deep

love within

now this wasn’t an easy journey

but it all started with a simple

but yet powerful question i’ll take you

back in time

who am i am i my name

or my profession am i the daughter

or the son am i the whisperer

or the one that listens can i be all

and yet be none and as the water

washes away all that i am and yet i’m

not

i realize that my true being

lies deep down inside my core

who am i

you see i have been asking myself this

question as long as i can remember

growing up in sunny brazil where our

skin is often exposed

having the perfect curvy body

felt like an obligation add that to a

society that judges you by the way you

walk

talk what car you drive where the

university went to and

if you have a ring on your finger

oh yes that’s very important your civil

status is a measure of your worthiness

as a woman

oh and kids you must have kids before

you’re 30 i mean

you’re here to procreate and perpetuate

the species right

add that to the pressure of being the

youngest of two perfect happily married

sisters

what a weight i spent years trying to be

the perfect student

strictly straight ace the perfect

daughter the perfect girlfriend the

perfect citizen

i spent my life hiding under the shield

of perfectionism

in order to hide my own sense of

inadequacy for myself

and others so many labels that led me to

believe that i’m only worth

as much as the carrots on my fingers and

that the more stuffed money titles

i had the more available to others into

society

i would be but what happens if i lose

the object

that i tie my value to will i still be

worthy

what if i gain weight or if i don’t get

married

will i still be worthy of love of care

of compassion i never wanted to be

perfect

i just wanted to be seen to be really

seen and not just looked at

not to feel ashamed of having cellulite

or to feel less for not having kids

but i didn’t know better i was fat the

one fits already made cake recipe for

happiness

which was get a job that pays even

though it doesn’t bring you happiness

get married have kids and maybe but then

just maybe

travel once a year i mean that sounds

like an awfully happy life

right my sisters did it so could i

and so was i i got my bachelor’s in law

and i was engaged to a good

man the problem with that

is that i felt sad lost

lonely and disconnected from everyone

and quite frankly from life

and the pressure to be happy just

worsening things

i mean how ungrateful was i i had

everything a woman could

wish for and yet i felt worthless

who was i that cake they fed me

tasted horrible and so i decided to pick

up my

own ingredients and bake myself a

delicious chocolate lava cake

i got on a plane and i left life as i

knew behind

career country fiance family fears math

identities

you name it i decided to dig deep into

the ocean of my soul

to find the pieces of me i lost along

the way in order to become

something or someone i was expected to

be

11 years in london by myself a changing

career

and a whole lot of lessons later i

finally discovered that the choice

to marry myself first was the best

choice i’ve made in my life

that self-love was the only way within

so that i would not live life without

and thanks to that i now know that my

worthiness is not linked to anything

external

i’m not defined by my possessions or by

my civil status

i’m not defined by my diploma or the car

that

doesn’t sit in my garage i

am does my wife deliver to a stranger

i am the warm hug when a friend needs

i am the love i choose to spread and i

choose to spread love

every day of my life so now when people

ask me if i’m married

i say hell yeah i consecrated the holy

matrimony to the only person i’ll never

be able to divorce

can you guess what that is and not only

do i know my worth and who i

am but i baked my cake

and it tastes delicious so my question

to you is

what’s your flavor luckily for me

i was able to use my pain as full and

leave everything behind

had i stayed and listened to people’s

opinion i would probably

be stuck in an unhappy life because i

didn’t choose myself

i would have probably become a product

of people’s expectations and as a matter

of fact

i wouldn’t be here with you today

sharing my story

had i not chosen to be the first love of

my life

i would still be wandering around

feeling half

empty looking for another halftimp

person to

complete me and that’s exactly where

it realized the problem the problem with

relationships is that people

are trying to build a relationship from

the outside in

when in fact we need to learn how to

build a relationship from the inside

out for the simple reason that the

relationship you establish with yourself

permeates all other relationships in

your life and we repeat

the way you relate to yourself dictates

how you relate to money

to your coworkers to your partner to

your family

and to the world around you and as a

matter of fact you can be happy single

and you can be happy married but it’s

impossible to be happy

in the absence of self-love now

this doesn’t mean you have to take my

journey to self-love

on the contrary it means that you get to

choose you

at any given moment in your life it

means that before finding someone else

you need to find yourself first can you

close your eyes

and imagine just for a moment

how your life would be if you just

choose you

just for a brief moment

now let me take you back to that

expression my other half

let me ask you a question are you half

human being

wait let me answer that one no

you were a complete whole indivisible

expression of nature

perhaps looking for another complete

whole human

to walk alongside by you on this journey

called life

can you distinguish the difference

between complete

and complement when you say you want

someone to complete you

it means you’re either lacking or you’re

missing something

anyone that someone to fill in a void

that it’s yours to feel

and that’s not fair to you or to the

person

it’s not fair to the person because you

place an unrealistic expectation on the

relationship

and it’s not fair to you well for the

same reasons

but when you say you want someone to

complement you

it means that you have acknowledged that

you’re both wholesome

and hence the relationship becomes a lot

lighter and wholehearted when you accept

yourself as you are

you accept the other as they are

you don’t look at a rainbow and say i

wish there was a little bit more of

yellow or a darker tone of blue

you just appreciate the rainbow as it is

so next time you think of changing

someone

think of them as human rainbows

beautiful and majestic

with all its colors and nuances

because true freedom can only exist

when there is acceptance of your whole

self

true self love can only be reached when

you acknowledge that you’re complete

but yet imperfect and that every

situation

every motion deserves to be looked at

and

embraced and understood with kind eyes

for all that we are

relies at the very core of what makes us

human

of what makes our stories unique

change won’t happen to you

change will happen from you

so what are you waiting for princess

kill the enemy created by your own mind

jump out of the castle that imprisons

you only you can save yourself

don’t ever place the keys to living a

wholehearted life

in someone else’s pocket what’s your

story

in this book called life

now to end this talk i would like to

propose a final exercise

and for this exercise i want you to

think of

all the traits that you envision

your special someone to have

it can be personality traits financial

circumstances

and i want you to do a checklist and

once you’re done with this checklist i

want you to go

item by item and ask yourself with all

honesty

do i embody and cultivate this trait

within me

and if your answer is no to any of these

traits i don’t want you to wait for

someone to give it to you

i want you to roll up your sleeves and

get to work

because this is your voice to feel this

is your responsibility

now one last thing i would like to bring

out on my journey to self-love

i spoke about my journey to wholeness

and how that implied

leaving behind my necessity to fit into

spaces i no longer belonged

and i spoke about what it took to get me

here it wasn’t an easy journey

actually saying it wasn’t easy it’s an

understatement

it was very hard and arduous and lonely

but had i not gone through that i would

never be able to be here

with you today had i stayed

and try to be accepted and loved by

everyone else

but myself i would have never allowed

life to flow

through me and yes the sense of

belonging is great

when it doesn’t cost you peace when it

doesn’t cost your soul

when you don’t have to pay the price

with your life

so i’m incredibly grateful for having

the courage to

choose me and i hope you do too

because in a world that constantly

demands you to choose

something else choosing you

is an act of bravery thank you