Revolutionary Self Love

[Music]

[Applause]

i divorced the white man and married the

revolution

i committed to liberation i got a

restraining order from machismo and said

i do to women getting their wings myself

included

i vow to be a reason why this world is

better for our children and our

children’s children

i promise to not believe that my beauty

is tied to my silence

my beauty is tied to my power and how

well i’ve learned to love myself this is

the genesis of my own revolution

this story starts in my grandmother’s

swimming pool

it was just me my mom and mithita

i was recently divorced i really did

divorce the white man

yeah

i know

and i was spending the summer in l.a

i was walking towards the diving board

and i could feel my grandmother looking

me up and down

she asked me now that you’re divorced

what are you doing with your life

who asked that

but proudly on the top of the diving

board i told her i’m designing a course

on intersectional feminism for my

master’s program i dove in and when i

resurfaced i could tell that she was

ready to fight

she’s like

instead of doing your feminism stuff you

need to close your legs and find

yourself a good man to restore your

value

see then spent the next 20 minutes

telling me all the things that i

shouldn’t be doing

like being myself expressing myself and

doing what makes me happy

she told me that the beautiful

respectable women didn’t look act or

speak like me

she was afraid that if people aka men

saw me be so wild and free they wouldn’t

take me seriously and they just used me

i stopped and i said them they don’t use

me

i make the calls i do what i want who i

want when i want and i do it all with

self-love i stopped doing things that

didn’t feel loving to me anymore

that’s why i got the divorce i started a

business i wrote two books i’m getting

my masters in marriage and family

therapy and most importantly i’m healing

that adds value to my life a man is

irrelevant compared to all that

she was looking at me like

i was speaking a different language

saying words that nobody had taught her

after she recovered from her shock she’s

like

i don’t know if i should slap you

or clap for you she’s like i’ve never

met a woman like you

my mom this whole time was sitting in

the corner in the shallow end quiet

stuck in between this intergenerational

kerfuffle she didn’t want to be as harsh

as her mom and yet her daughter was

going against everything she was taught

on the car ride home

i felt like i had wings

i finally spoke up for myself and i did

not internalize that shame that they

were projecting

i felt like my self-love was working my

mom finally spoke up and she’s like you

know how your teeth can be

how many times do i have to tell you

you look most beautiful when you’re

quiet

too many times

almost every latina has heard this

phrase

yet women all over the world have felt

this one way or another it’s a lie that

tells us that we are most beautiful when

we’re quiet

it tells us that we’re meant to be

looked at not heard

it is a lie that is passed on from one

generation to the next

it is so woven into our culture that

sometimes we don’t realize how harmful

it truly is

the first time you mommy told me that

she was weaving my hair into braids and

i complained because she was pulling too

hard she said it so casually because

it’s something that her mommy taught her

and her mommy’s mommy taught her

soon i started to tell it to myself

this is a lie i internalized and it

became a false truth that silenced me

for most of my life

i grew up being afraid of my voice

afraid of my truth

even when the abuse started

at nine i stood quiet because i was

afraid that if i spoke up i’d be doing

something wrong

or

it would be i turned ugly and nobody

would want me so i stayed quiet and the

abuse continued for years

i learned at the age of nine what the

ache of a voice that begs to be heard

feels like but yet i would numb it out

shut it out and put on the biggest smile

i mastered the art of self-silencing and

concealment

they held my hand as i walked down the

aisle a week after graduating college

because it’s what good girls did

i stayed quiet when the marriage turned

oppressive i shrunk as a white man took

up more and more space

i felt like i was drowning and my flame

was fading

i

hid behind trying to be a good quiet

bonita too many girls and women have

mastered this art of hiding and

shrinking themselves as an act of

survival it’s what we’re taught we’re

supposed to do studies show that latinas

are at an increased risk for depression

and anxiety and we’re not receiving the

treatment we need when you teach girls

to be quiet you don’t teach them how to

advocate for themselves or communicate

their needs i didn’t even know i had

needs until a therapist told me

we were raised to take care of everybody

but ourselves

these studies show that the major

factors contributing to this increased

risk were self-concealment

self-silencing and low self-esteem

when you raise nina’s to internalize

oppression

you you dictate how you they see

themselves and how they take up space in

this world it impacts our sense of self

worth agency it often leads us to

unhealthy relationships or perpetuate

those cycles of oppression and abuse

that we grew up seeing and believing we

deserve

i have a thea and i’m sure we all have a

deal like this who would wake up make

everybody breakfast go to her mom’s

house take care of her go to work teach

kindergarten pick up her grandkids make

them lunch clean the house make dinner

clean the house again and stay up way

past midnight

ironing her husband’s clothes his

underwear included

one night i stayed up with her and i was

like dia

are you

happy she

she laughed and she didn’t even look up

when she said ai mika

happiness has nothing to do with it

i remember thinking i don’t want a life

or a marriage in which happiness has

nothing to do with it

i started to think about the women in my

family and a lot of them were in lives

and marriages and happiness was not an

option

this turned into cycles that turned into

trauma that was passed down through the

veins of one generation to the next and

i knew i wanted healing to pass through

my veins

in order to do this i had to love myself

first

the thing was i didn’t know how

there was not a self-love manual for

mujeres like me

the things that the self-help book said

and the white therapist said didn’t seem

to fit

so i stopped looking for manuals and i

just started to ask myself how will i

love myself today

when making decisions big or small i’d

base my answer on what was most loving

to me

soon i learned that i had feelings i had

needs i stopped being numb

these feelings were heavy as my heart

and my body started to speak to me and

tell me i need this i want that

that hurt

don’t do that again

i love that

i started to speak up

and even though my voice trembled i felt

powerful for the first time

i realized

i unearthed my inner guerrera my inner

warrior woman

and i vowed i will never be a kayata

again

i’d rather have people think i’m ugly

and love myself than be quiet and

beautiful the rest of my life

i learned with this question of how will

i love myself today

that led me to my power it led me to

myself and it taught me to divorce all

that wasn’t loving to me and commit to

fully loving myself

the more i stepped into power the more i

stepped into love and i realized

i am a walking revolution

i gave myself wings

[Applause]

okay calm down now

[Music]

i wanted these swings for the ninas and

mujeres everywhere

silence will not be our home

we become a revolution when we love

ourselves enough to heal and give

ourselves wings

this world needs more mujeres who love

themselves and see the beauty in using

their voice

this is the generation that breaks the

silence and uses their voice

this is a generation that commits to

loving themselves as an act of evolution

we will be a reason why we stop passing

on that liquid

we want to see ninas mommies diaz

abuelas mujeres fully loving themselves

and stepping into their power

we stand on the shoulders of queer trans

black indigenous women of color who have

fought for you me and these wings

it is time

you start to ask yourself how will you

love yourself today

every revolution starts from within it

is time you unearth that inner guerrera

because without women

there is no revolution

thank you

[Applause]

you